How can I forgive and forget?

Hello! This forum has been amazing. There was a time (last year), when I was ready to give up on life. But, after posting here and getting replies from so many wonderful people, I have managed to make it till here. I truly hope that those people get all the happiness in life. And, I really thank the people who have created this forum. I will reshare my story briefly and then explain the current situation. I fell in love with someone over Facebook. We chatted and since we were from the same ethnic background, we immediately clicked. All was fun and just wonderful. I was a teenager, and he was 21 or 22 maybe. I am 4 years younger than him (That's what he told me). After spending 2 years, we accepted the fact that we love each other and I was the one to talk about it. I belong to an extremely conservative culture, where girls aren't even allowed to step outside, get co-education or even marry the person they love. I am the exact opposite of what my culture was about. He used to ask me if I was scared of him, and every single time, I would say "no". I am not scared. He used to comment that girls shouldn't have a high ego, and that I am aggressive. That's because I always argued when it came to rights, beliefs and my goals. There came a point when he made me delete my facebook ID where all my friends were added (Male and Female). He told me that I wasnt allowed to talk to male friends, and only communicate when necessary. I made a new ID and gave him the password etc. Meanwhile, he kept introducing me to his female friends, and I being blindly in love, didn't even realize that what was happening. I interacted with his female friends. In addition, his friends used to comment on his pictures, left love emojis, were extremely frank and there were a lot of them. During that time, I gave him gifts, accepted his point of view and he was literally my friend, my everything. Now there came a point when I felt like there was something wrong. I gathered a lot of courage to ask him his Facebook password. He gave it to me. I logged in and went into inbox. There were no messages from any female friends. Next I headed towards "archives". And there they were... Not only his messages with his female friends, but sooo many other chats with foreign girls. They were filled with heart emojis. I couldn't even read them. My heart sank. I felt dead. And so, I called him. and I couldn't say anything, and the only thing that blurted out of my mouth was "get lost". What's surprising is that, he didnt apologize.. Instead, he said "how dare you said "get lost" to me". You can't speak to me like that. I have very faint memories of what happened after that, but I remember, he covered it somehow and I was the one who said sorry to him. Because, I didn't want to lose him at any cost. But, there was a voice inside my head that said "he cheated". During the time, I was applying for university. And so, for the first time in years, I made the decision, that it's time to let him go and focus on education. I told him that I can't do this to you. And I remember, I broke it off and never contacted him again. 3 years go by. During these 3 years, I get into the best university of the country. However, I didnt get into any relationship. I used to miss him. And I felt like if I would engage with someone else, it wouldnt be fair to them. So, I didn't. I spent my time alone, and with friends. After 3 years, I got a message on my new facebook Id. He reached out... My heart. I felt like it skipped one to two beats. How could I ignore him? It was him... I replied. And, he asked me if I was involved with anyone or engaged. I said no. We chatted. He told me that he got involved with someone right after me. And then there was someone else after that. It made me sad but I was the same dumb, stupid person who was in love. We started talking again. Please note that after 3 years. He went to a country to get a PhD. And I was halfway through my university. We talked for three more years. And then, he said I want to marry you. I was more than happy. I loved him. During these three years of our relationship (That we started again), he made sure that I delete my facebook, that I stop talking to my male friends (university). I couldn't go on lunches, trips or even stay late for a party. I was not allowed to put up any picture on any social media platform. He made sure that I cover my head and stop wearing jeans. He said that after we get married I will have to cover my face. In addition, I can't work in an office. I can work online. But, he preferred that I become a stay-at-home mom. He said that we will have babies right away. He also said that I should spend less. I shouldn't buy clothes often. I should wear the old ones. A little bit about his background: He came from an even more conservative family. They weren't well-off or atleast wanted to show that they werent doing well. He told me that if he buys good clothes and live a good life, his relatives might ask him for money. So, he preferred to live in an extremely backward neighborhood where girls couldnt even go outside. During these three years, I accepted whatever his said. I changed myself to a point where I was not me anymore. I was a version of him. How he wanted me to be. I even started arguing women rights and went against freedom of speech. I was truly devoted to his success. I wanted him to win. My goals were secondary. His goals became mine. I saw a future where he will flourish, I will have his kids and we will be a loving family. Covid struck. He came back. He was jobless. Whereas, I got a job, then another and then an extremely amazing one. I had three jobs. one physical and two online. He was 29 or 30, and I was 26. I worked hard. Day and night because I loved my work. He was struggling to find a job. And so I made it my mission to get him one. I started applying everywhere. Everyday after my job, after 3 am in the morning, I would sit till 5 or 6 and find him jobs. I used to design his CVs, made him a website. Wrote his cover letters. Made him interview guides. Practiced with him. There was a point where I worked less hours on my job and talked to him more. I used to leave meetings for him. Because he wanted to call and talk. Whereas, I couldn't ask him to call me twice a day because he didn't wanted to. He became my everything. Again. He was my day and my night. Eventually, I got into masters degree. I left the physical job. And I worked hard. I got into every university that I applied. I chose one university. However, he told me that though you are joining this 2-year program, you might not finish it because we will get married and you will have to leave your education. I agreed. Him and his family came to my house to ask for my hand. My parents were a little worried because he had no job. Plus, his family was expecting me to become someone who was totally opposite of who I was. They wanted to get rid of my confidence. But, they agreed because I told them that I loved him. So, they accepted him whole heartedly. I worked hard, hustled to find him a job. It was the power of two. And he got a position in Qatar university. He was happy. It was a 3-month job. And so, he came to my house. My parents officially said yes. And he went to Qatar. This was in 2022 March. Let's rewind a little. January 2022. He was talking to me and asked me why did I left him the very first time. Well, I just told him that I was hurt. You cheated on me. He made such a huge fight out of it. He told me that I disrespected him. That I will have to swear on my parents' lives that I will not disrespect him again. And I said sorry. Because now my family was involved and I wanted to get married. I recorded a voice note because he said I will have to record it and send it to him that I will never repeat this or disrespect him again. Now let's jump to march. In our culture, there are marital gifts. Girls have to take dowry and the boy's side of the family will give gold or property as a gift. I was opposed to the idea. I believed in equality. But again, our society is horrible. If the girl's side doesn't give a tough time to the boy's family and refuses gifts, that means that their is something wrong with the girl and the parents want to get rid of her. So, we couldn't deny. Although, I made it extremely clear to him. I did not wanted to take any gifts. But, at the same time, I did not want to give any dowry. I believed that marriage is about building life together. He said, you will have to bring dowry. You will bring furniture, fridge, everything because you are not poor. I agreed. His parents on the other hand, sort of bragged. They talked about how much they wanted to give me. Well, honestly, I started loving them. It felt like they were my parents. And, I told myself that I will return the property and money right after our marriage because they need it more. Not to be disrespectful, but because I knew their financial situation and I hated doing this to someone. In addition, my parents planned to give him a car, and a new house too. I am glad till date that I didnt break this news to him. His parents said that they will give me a property (land), some gold and money. He on the other hand, said that I will have to bring everything to furnish his house. His fridge was almost 30 years old, so was all of his furniture. So, I will bring everything. I had no choice, I said ok. But, as the time went by, he told me that the land his mother said that she will give to me has not been purchased. They have paid less than the quarter of the amount. So, the land would not be transferred. I said fine. I don't want it anyway. He then said that the gold will be less. I said fine. I don't want gold, I want you. And, then he said that the money he wanted to gift me on our wedding night, which is not only a cultural, but a religious thing too, he wont give it. Because, he said that he will invest it somewhere and what will I do with that money anyways. I said, I don't want the land, the gold, or the money. I want you. However, I did say that the money part is a bit surprising because it was a religious thing. And, he was the one who fixed the amount. I just said that "wasn't it a religious thing though". Because just like boys get an engagement ring for the girl to propose, giving money on wedding night as a gift is necessary. And after that one line, he got so angry that he stopped talking to me. He made me say sorry. The very next day was when his parents had to visit me. This was during the time he went to Qatar (March). His parents came, had a little ceremony and celebrated that my parents had said yes to their proposal. But, I noticed that his parents were different. His mother started telling me how his son found her "very young" and how he praises her. Next, she said lets stand together and see who is tall. He started talking to me after a day or two after I said sorry due to the money incident. I said keep the money. I don't want that too. Please note that we didnt involve our extended families. I didnt invite any of my uncles because we thought that we will invite them in the wedding. Plus, my grandmother and uncles are extremely toxic. They are against my education. And, they hated the fact that we move due to my education. His side of the family was a little toxic too. Next, there are a series of very chaotic events that I won't go into detail. I discussed them last year. In short, I helped him find supervisors in the USA. I made him prepare everything. And, he finally got a position as a researcher. It was the best day of my life. I told my mother, she was more than happy. However, his side of the family didnt call my parents to share the news. In addition, he called that night and said that my mother is saying that you will not tell your parents. I was amazed and shocked. I said my mother loves you. And, we are a family now. He said shut the hell up and you will not disobey me. And he slept. He turned off his phone and went away. Next day his mother called. And said that because my son is very important to me and because he is male and generations are going to get affected based on the marriage decision, we have to make a careful decision. My mother was like, what are you saying. His mother than said that why didnt you involve the extended family. We have to see the blood of your family. Because my son is very special. My mother was shocked. Obviously she knew about the US thing, but she kept queit. But then, his mother became extremely rude to my mother and said you know what I don't want to hear your voice. My mother said that if you are behaving with me in this way before my daughter has been married to your son, what will you do when they are married. Because we have to live in a joint family system. Well, she kept getting rude. And then, my mother said, fine, please go and look at the extended family and lets put a pause on this. This line of my mother's was like an attack on her. She told her son. She called him and lied to him. Then she called MY father and said "control your wife" then she blocked my mother, blocked me. Then his sister called me. She is even younger than me and was extremely disrespectful. Then she blocked me. The other sister blocked me. Next day, his mother went to my grandmother's house. She went behind our back. Next, she went into the entire neighbourhood. She was telling them how I was talking to her son. Then, she called me and she cursed me. She threatened me. She was so disrespectful, she was shouting. And I couldn't say a word. I just couldn't. I told him. I called him. I even called him during the time his mother was shouting. He said that "she is emotional" and that "she loves me and she cares thats why she is behaving this way". At the very end. His mother came to our house the next day at 7:30 am. And she and her sisters just started arguing. They made my mother so confused. They were cutting each other off, they were loud, they were saying that you have a daughter and look at your ego. Basically, the line that my mother said that "maybe we should put a pause", He said that his family wanted my mother to appologize to his mother and beg that this marriage takes place. But, my mother was strong. She said no. During the time his mother and his mother's sisters came to our house, They were shouting and jumping from argument to argument. I called him and I begged himt o stop his mother. I literally said "I am begging you. I am begging you please don't leave me. stop your mother". I felt like my head was spinning and I said " my head is spinning" and he shouted "so what can I do with your head". and "no I cant do anything" and he cut off the call. Little did I know that his mother was recording the conversation with my mother. Her sisters created such a chaos. it was 4 against 1. and then they sent it to him. Somehow, they manipulated everything. And they wanted to make him believe that my mother is being rude. When they left. He texted me and said, I dont want to live with a liar. You and your mother is a fucking liar. I was crying, begging, that I havent lied. That I love him. And he said "relief me of this pain, Block me from everywhere". And that's when I died. I said and this was my last message "I will never stop loving you. but, I will never forgive or forget this". There are so many other incidents and instances when he has been very aggressive, absolutely ignored me. Made me cry. Made me beg and made feel like he is in control. This was in June 2022. It is now July 2023. Every day has been a challenge. I try to forget everything. Somedays, I am angry. There are other days where I miss him and also myself. I used to give someone so much love. I miss giving love. There were days when I used to beat myself. I used to scratch my face. I used to curse myself. I recorded myself crying. I stopped celebrating anything. I have this huge hole in my heart. and honestly, I feel dead. I really feel like something in me died. I don't laugh the way I used to. Everything is boring. Everything is meaningless. I used to feel like the floor is moving, then there were days that I would feel cold splashes on my face. There were times when I felt like someone was cutting my heart. I used to talk to him every single day at a specific time. And I hate that I cant anymore. I feel old. And trash. I am 28. I turned 28 two days ago. And I feel like neither will I love someone, nor will someone love me because how old I am. I have tried to recover. I have tried everyday to forget. And it has been really hard. Two days ago, I mistankingly opened website maker. I wanted to build a website for my dad. and the website buider opened up. It was book marked so I mistakenly clicked the link to the website that I created him. To my surprise. He is still using it. He even made it better. He is using the words that I wrote, the CV that I made him and made it better. He is now in the USA doing th job for which I HUSTLED equally. He is earning. He has published two papers. He is there, he has made it and he is happy. Here I am, trying to forget every day. Wishing I were dead. My life has been so static. I am standing right there where he left me. I have been miserable. And there he is. Absolutely fine. Happy. Maybe married, or engaged. Where is God? Where is Karma? What kind of justice is this? He used everything. The fact that he used the website makes him the person who least gives a fuck about me. I have spent almost a decade, loving him, missing him, adjusting to his lifestyle, beliefs, values. I couldn't even look at his profile after blocking him the day he asked me to. And there he is, using everything that I wrote. I am not angry at the fact that he is using the website. But at the fact that he doesnt care. Wouldn't he remember me when he sees those words? The amount of effort that I put in? Am I trash? Trash that he can forget so easily? As if he climbed on my shoulders to get to the US and left me when he got it. Since the last two days, I have felt miserable. All the progress that I made went down the drain. I want to die. Why can't I get my justice? Why isnt he facing difficulties. Not only did he made me feel terrible. My parents are feeling terrible too. Every other day my mom asks me if it was her fault. Every other day my father asked me that if he would have apologized, maybe that would have been better. Because they look at me and they feel terrible. But, they try to make me understand how horrible him and his family was. Please show me a way. How do I recover from this. How can I not care. How can I let go. How can I stop loving. How can I stop feeling the need to take revenge. I feel like trash. I hate my face. There is no mirror in my room or bathroom. I like to look at my face. I remember how he used to tell me that even after he sent me the proposal, his mother wanted to look for other girls who were "doctors" and who were more fair & had white skin than me. He used to tell me that I was losing hair and he would make fun of me. But in every way, shape or form. I accepted him. Loved him. Even when he got the US job he said omg I will earn 48000 dollars per year and look at you, you make 7000 dollars. Looool. I never took anything to heart. But now when I reflect back. There is anger, sadness and feelings of revenge. Especially from what I saw two days ago. He is fine. I am not. How can I be fine. Please help me. I will be grateful. Because I cant sleep, eat, think or live. I feel like this is the end. I will never be loved, or have the ability to love. I miss him. He doesn't even miss me. After all those years. He is going ahead and growing and I am moving backwards. I live in the past. I doze off several times in a day smiling and thinking about the past. I need your help. What should I do?

Sorry for the delay - we're under-staffed at the mo. I'll be with you as soon as humanly possible! And welcome back! :) PS: out of interest - what was your Alias last year?

I understand and it's okay, I can wait. I haven't changed my username. It was the same.

Hello HHK8798, I read your post and it really touched my heart. I felt the pain you must be going through. I just want to let you know that I’m here and I’m listening. Please don’t hesitate to pour your heart here. I know when you are in love with someone it’s really hard to get out of it. But remember, time is the best teacher. As a third person or someone who is observing your story, it seems like you were obviously in a toxic relationship. You seem to be an intelligent , ambitious, modern girl with strong values. I know this time is tough but you have to move on. If you keep thinking about him and expecting him to regret, I’m not sure if that day will rise. He didn’t care when you were going through all of this, forget anything he will feel now. I’m not sure why you are giving him that much power. Why your happiness depends on what he thinks now more than ever. Why do you still blame yourself or regret for what happened. From your story, I don’t think you or your family did anything wrong. So, I think you should stop blaming yourself. I would only suggest to cut all the ties with him and try to MOVE ON. I know easier said than done but you have to start taking small steps. Good Luck and Best wishes!!

(Lovely post, again, Blue_Sky...really lovely. And you're correct about Toxic, look...) Hi again, HHK8798! A chap from your culture, posting on Quora, has summed-up your entire relat- no, sorry - FAUXlationship. Now believe, it was NOT YOU, it is NOT YOU, there's nothing wrong with you and everything wrong with him and his nutjob parents and family! ______________________________________________________________________ Akhil J · Follow (INTJ-A)I Read Daily, Read over 736 Books Psychology, NeurosUpdated 4y ______________________________________________________________________ Indian Narcissist Red Flags⚠ Yes Narcissism is very common in India among Indian men and women but more commonly found in men than women, it is mainly caused by harsh or over controlling childhood upbringing. Indian culture promotes narcissism, there are the 10 symptoms for narcissism. ⚠1)Easily Critical and over exaggerating you're fault's, can't forgive because deep down they can't forgive themselves ⚠2)Don't care much about your emotions/feelings(Except to manipulate) ⚠3)They hijack Conversation ⚠4)Lack true reflective thinking ⚠5)They Blame Shift on to you(They don't take responsibility, hides vulnerability) ⚠6)They insists things go their way follow their plan or agenda. Little flexibility except forced to be flexible. ⚠7)Conflicts become contests(They are jealous & want to be right) Dealt with Explosive aggression/Passive aggression ⚠8)Exaggerated their positives, minimize negatives ⚠9)Materialistic, impressed with external success, money and Power. Plain/Authenticity not appealing ⚠10)Close minded and impatient, don't want to listen. Secretive, not revealing topical only, shallow. Immature Why do they do it? These people were brought up in families with over controlling parents, most of their childhood was about their parents critizing them and controlling them and they were never allowed to think independently. All these people lack self compassion, they may have a high self esteem(High self worth:Ego) but they lack self compassion, they think their superior to other people but they hate themselves. So narcissists feel superior to others but don’t necessarily like themselves. In fact, narcissists’ feelings about themselves are entirely based on others’ opinions of them. People with high self-compassion, on the other hand, are satisfied with themselves and do not feel a sense of superiority over others. Instead, they perceive themselves as valuable individuals, but not more valuable than others. They desire close, intimate relationships with other people and do not need to be excessively admired. Those with high self-compassion rarely become aggressive or angry towards others. Treatment: DSM-5 Criteria for the Personality Disorders trauma). Narcissistic Personality Disorder. No one can help them only they can, the treatment is self compassion. How to deal with a narcissist? ☑1)Avoid them completely if possible. ☑2)Have very firm boundaries. Protect your interests with great care. Never ever confide in them. ☑3)Avoid becoming their enemy or a threat by challenging their grandiose self image. ☑4)Avoid involvement in their plans if possible. ☑5)They are horrible planners because they are delusional. ☑6)Realize that in some way, everything they say is a lie to manipulate you in their sick world. Their grand stories may impress you, charm you, and make you feel good, but its all designed to manipulate you into their web of lies. ☑7)Don't let them gaslight or bully you. They will always try to convince you that you are somehow mistaken, not clear, illogical, deluded, ignorant or dumb. You just aren't making any sense!Don't trust them ever or rely on them for anything. ☑8)Don't make vague promises to them like - I will help you. If you have to do something for them, make it simple and clear. ☑9)Don't kid yourself that you have the problem or that you are to blame. ☑10)Resist the urge to hate them and get back at them. In time, things never end well for them. ☑11)Realize that for them, protecting their self image is like survival. It may not be important to you, but to them the worst thing in the world is to be seen as just average. They will go to great lengths and expend great energy just to feel as though they are great. ☑12)Don't try to fix/change them, they won't change in 98% of the cases and they'll manipulate your mind to make you think that you're the problem. They will make you feel as though there is something really wrong with you and that they are without fault. ______________________________________________________________________ Now read it again. Five more times for now, please - or more if you're hard enough ;) (I think so.) Now I'll nutshell that whole article for you in a way that'll be easy to remember and will recall to mind the article's crux points: Right Qualities (mine)! WRONG RECIPIENT (him...it) What are your thoughts and feelings now? Are you shocked that your ex-boyFIEND resides in more bodies than his own? That these days he is everywhere? Do you see, now, just what an ugly and, frankly, downright interpersonally-INSANE person he is? That he does not think right or work right? That he has zero empathy for others, no matter their position in his life? OBJECT, you said. Yup. Feel sorry for him (but only him as a kid, before his mind and ability to feel the finer, human feelings got corrupted and he turned into a monster like them. Thanks to his own parents and theirs (and theirsandtheirsandtheirs...), he will never know what it is to love nor be genuinely, lastingly loved by another person and will die alone and lonely - or, alternatively, surrounded by equally off-the-scale selfish, controlling, heart-less people like him (the only types that can tolerate him for long because they're not fit to cast the first stone), who don't care he's dying and in fact just wish he would hurry up so that they can go home or get straight to finding out if or what he left them in his Will. He'll get exactly to where his disgusting, despotic, DOWNRIGHT ARCHAIC (its 2023 for god's sake!) beliefs, attitudes and behaviours AND GROSS MENTAL LAZINESS could only ever have led: Hell.

(Sorry, I forgot the link: https://www.quora.com/Is-narcissism-in-Indian-males-so-common-I-couldnt-find-a-single-person-in-India-who-really-loves-their-wife-with-respect)

What are you thinking, HHK? Are you starting to realise what a huge, lifelong favour he and his equally disgustingly-behaved family have done you? "Chavs" and "Chavvy" Behaviour we Brits generally call it (or used to before we learned about NPD-AsPD aka Narcissistic Sociopath (or Sociopathic Narcissist, or, 'hot-headed, thick type of Psychopath). Underneath any false charm - gobsmackingly over-entitled, domineering, shockingly rude, obnoxious, and aggressive, illogical, back-to-front, outrageously hypocritical..., and they're usually Narcissistic Sociopaths, raised in a dysfunctional Narcissistic (NPD) family AS WELL AS dysfunctional personal environment and culture, meaning, no respite anywhere, nowhere and no-one to run to in order to recalibrate and de-compress, equals, NPD-AsPD (narcissistic and anti-social personality disorders). Of all the NPD types, they're the worst, the heaviest, the most negative, "can't do", fun-spoiling, trouble- and chaos-making, the most physically intimidating (to get their spoiled giant-baby way) into disturbingly explosive-aggressive, as in, going from Nought to Sixty in 1 second (if they don't; or to avoid a probing "talk")... the craziest, most illogical, pathological liars (albeit, also the most gullible/counter-manipulable, happily for us Rescuers; not that this is applicable now). And (without witnesses around, "behind closed doors") very little sets them off. By their hyper-reaction, you feel like yelling (back), 'This is crazy...You're acting like I've just killed your Granny! All I said was, Can you please use a Coaster!'. But you can't say that or they crank it up higher. Because, as I've just illustrated... (and memorize this too): They are not abusive because they're angry They're angry because they're Abusive. YOU naturally, mistakenly think - I *must* have done *something* wrong without realising it or else why would he be *this* incredibly-inhumanly upset and furious?! Nope. It's not about you, it's about whatever he wants or needs to do (or evade/avoid doing) behind your back at any given moment. And if the hours-and-hours of verbal cruelty and violence-ambush doesn't work (the foul accusations and names they call you are out-of-this-world SHOCKING) - they resort to doing the Silent Treatment on you, which will last for as long as you keep refusing to crack and apologise (for daring to mention/critize *his* crime against *you*...daring to stand up for yourself, basically), whereupon, if you can last it out, THEY will crack (and wheedle around you but still don't apologise or talk about it). They never dump you or leave you dumped unless they have found someone MUCH better than you and all their other lovers/fans (i.e. more like ta pre-1950's powerless, simpering, obsequious "Doormat"). Someone WEAKER than you, basically. And by the way, you aren't/weren't JUST in-love with him. In fact, OVERLY, you were/still are... ADDICTED. The way they deliberately AND naturally-automatically 'push your buttons', starting with the OTT "Honeymoon Period" or just overly-sustained Great, Dependable Guy act (Love-Bombing), basically makes your brain become a drugs manufacturing plant and you become addicted to these 'rushes' during Honeymoon and then thereafter, each time he (after being too horrible) suddenly switches to being super-loving again. Google "Jekyll & Hyde" and "Narcissistic Cycle Of Abuse". That's the neurological-emotional side of the addiction. Meanwhile, they've made you dependent on them on the practical side too: even through their needing YOU so much ("Mamma!"), whereupon they bring into play your Mothering (including Motherly over-responsibility, guilt and unconditional love) instinct too. Although many do - they don't have to know what they're doing or don't have to be doing it deliberately ALL the time. All THEY need to know is that HOW THEY ARE AND BEHAVE GETS THEM THE SWEETIES ON THE SHELF AT THE CHECK-OUT. ...Big baby, *constantly* lying, denying (gaslighting), manipulating, over-domineering, foul-mouthed BULLIES whose tantrumsand (back-up) marathon sulks make your average tantrum-ing Toddlers look like Zen Buddhists. (They're fantastic practise for being a mum, I tell ya!...which is how a lot of women your age become hooked...."Awww, poor wickle, fluffy kitten, let me pick it up and love it.....ahhhhh----OW, IT BIT ME!". You end up having to have it put-down. You're lucky. Your randomly-rabid kitten ran away...to someone who WOULD, unhealthily, give it only Catnip every day until it got ill from malnutrition wherepon it'd be all your fault despite it's a grown man, not a kid or a kitten. (Ovaries have a lot to answer for!) You...did nothing... but act normal, natural, and as accords with your basic, human-relational rights and correct understanding of the world and how relationships work (so we know YOU'RE programmed right!). I.e. *didn't* act like his grateful SLAVE according to HIS belief of what a partner-wife means, no matter that you'd 'apologise' each time (to finally *make* shut him up). I noticed that, each and every time - you held out for that bit too long - you AND your parents - seemingly-meekly 'insisting' that they play by sane world and relationship rules, before finally 'apologising' (Good for you! :) And good for your obviously healthier, mentally flexible - **if under-OUTWARDLY-assertive - parents!). The way you have been reacting and responding is normal, too; don't let the fact it was new and unknown/abnormal put you off, because - all that 'dragging your feet' as wound them up more and more and more - is precisely what brought things to a head as made them realise they'd have to find someone 'more suitable' instead, undo your shackles, and set you free from their slave compound... like a stallion that couldn't be broken and trained to be ridden on, daily. (If they HAD managed to control and own you, by then they'd have just 'shot' you.) **Your parents , need to stand up for themselves harder...more overtly; their method is (albeit, understandable when up against AsPDs) passive-resistant or passive-aggressive; they need to try sounding more offended and 'bossier', more dominant. With types like that, I mean. If you out-dominate them, they instantly roll-over (they got perfectly comfy with being Slave as kids, you see; they're used to it; it's EQUALITY they find alient and can't tolerate). You're copying your parents' style when it's 'not truly You'. You're incredibly strong and secretly feisty. You know your Rights. I think you could teach your parents a few things. And don't ever look back and feel ashamed because you cried and begged, etc. It's *THE ACTIONS* that count, that show the truth. And what *I* couldn't help notice was, that despite each episode, despite you'd eventually say (his) sorry (for him), it never stopped you rebelling/enquiring/protesting the next time and the next... ***you never stopped rebelling***. THAT'S WHAT COUNTED. THAT'S WHY THEY'VE REJECTED YOU: BECAUSE YOU WOULD BE TOO HIGH-MAINTENANCE, TOO MUCH LIKE HARD WORK for expending on training-up then maintaining a new EMOTIONAL SLAVE and HOUSE SERVANT. You'd be like the British and Americans in Colditz, you'd FIND ways, gonsmackingly creative and DEEPLY COVERT ones (we normal-healthies - we can all do it too, you know, if we have to - AND BETTER!). So what you ARE all are (eh? LOL), is.... CLEVER...RESOURCEFUL...IMAGINATIVE...PROACTIVE.... Clever. And if you didn't know it - all three of you - YOU are what chose to make that prevously better-hidden toxicity in them come to a head. YOU did. And your parents joined you. Just in the nick of time! :) :) :) And you did that because ALL THREE OF YOU - led by Enlightening Woman You - DID know, deeper-down, that he and his family, underneath the fake highly proud and respectable veneer, were disgusting, inhuman, animalistic, twisted-thinking, repulsive scumbags, certainly where interaction or relation with other people are concerned (and where doesn't!).... Nutjobs. Loonies....Monsters. You're supposed to marry a man who wants to protect you from the monster under the bed. Not TURN INTO HIM, THE MINUTE YOU START TO FEEL SAFE (and bringing his s*dding mother-monster with him)! If you don't believe me yet, look at it this way and give it time: Plenty of women (in your culture) WOULD have done everything he said and taken his crap...and THEN where would have been the problem? I'll say it again: Plenty of women in your position would have. But not you. Plenty of women in your positon would have. Which means you could have too. But not you. You *chose* not to. And your parents agreed with you. :) You and your family went what I call "Floppy on the supermarket floor". And VERY convincingly. You didn't tantrum with it, you just all went, "Uuuuuuhhhh....I'm tryyyyying, I'm tryyyying, I reeeaaally aaaaam, but I just can't mooooooooove" or "I don't knoooowww how to stand up - really I don't!...uh!", and remained deadweights when they tried to yank one of you up. You acted superbly like THE most convincing Victims whilst secretly tunnelling yourselves at record speed out of there and simultaneously getting THEM to dig the final half FOR you! Seriously, if you haven't read Escape From Colditz, you better had, LOL - cos you're all 3 of you in there! :D You won't find this funny YET. But I do. Including this: you three drove those Monsters potty (pottier!) with frustration until you made their heads explode! :D I even noticed where "The Queen Of Hearts" (contrived and convolutedly) tried to back down a little and backtrack, clearly started realising they (as Spaths) had done what all Spaths do, which is, GONE TOO FAR (whoops). Yes, it hurts now, majorly and disturbingly, but in your case it's the struggling and worrying about the disturbing kind of hurting that hurts most (understand?). Relax into it, accept it, stop thinking you should be able to function as normal, still. You shouldn't: you're in Emotional Hospital with your leg in traction. Talk it out here, cry it out, read a lot, investigate him on the web a lot. But know that it's MOSTLY artificial emotion (toxins) coming out again...your mind recalibrating (putting things back where they should be and doing a damn good spring-clean), going through all the past mental files and photo-albums to remember everything under this newly-revealed light of What they were (not who) ...and how.... SUPER-SUPER LUCKY YOU ARE! You've escaped a life-sentance in a nasty prison. Someone up there must like you. *imagine* a husband like that for the rest of your days - go on, imagine! (...'IN An emergency, ladies and gentlemen, the Sick Bucket and Razor-blades are situated 'here', 'here' and 'here.') I'll say it again: GOOD FOR YOU! I hope all of your friends think and feel like you. And welcome to 'Womens' Lives Matter'. :) ...Imagine and keep imagining/extrapolating....(Seemingly) gorgeous and 'normal' one or a few days into almost constantly irritable and on the defensive, antagonistic, vindictive, dishonest, moral-less, LAZY and highly-over-entitled, highly misognynistic/misandristic, sexist, bigoted, racist, etc., etc....you, no friends left and not even allowed to step out of the house without permission (REALLY archaic beliefs and thinking)... they get angry if their twisted mind can twist even the most innocent act/query into an incoming insult, criticism, asking for information to which you're by-status entitled to, not treating them like the boss of everyone and everything, questioning their "authoritah" (they're not remotely qualified to have any power/authority/captaincy over anyone, not even themselves!). And they always DO find things to verbally and/or physically to beat you up over BECAUSE THEY LOVE THE ANGER...can start of merely irked but you can see for yourself that THEY CRANK *THEMSELVES* UP into what appears to have become a psychotic episode. (You're supposed to shut-up and roll over - or run (= end of rightful but threatening-to-a-liar question/request!)...................The good days start to rapidly die out, by the way..until all you'r left with is too often seeing and having somehow to deal with WHAT YOU'VE JUST SEEN AND BEEN SUBJECTED TO. TO FEEL THIS MUCH ACUTE AND CHRONIC PAIN ALMOST CONTINUALLY FOR ANOTHER TWO DECADES BEFORE SUDDENLY FINDING YOURSELF UNABLE...TO FEEL......A...NY....THING....A....NY....MORE. Zombie. And if you want to 'feel' anything again - all you can feel is the nasty, angry, negative, Other-draining emotions and mainly-contrived ego-boosts (but that cannot collect inside the self-esteem bucket because there's a hole in it)....You've become Narcissised into a Narcissist.... Brainwashed (with Stockholm Syndrome if you're lucky!) ...all of your parents' good work...their healthy upbringing rules and practises, their dedication - AND yours - long undone and dead, replaced by his and his family's (CALL THE POLICE!)..........And you've been prevented from making decisions for so long you've lost the skill... The person you used to be and could have continued becoming would have become dead and buried....a shadow of your former self, speaking only when spoken to.....AN ABUSE & HOME WORK & SEX (& RAPE TOY) AND SCAPEGOAT SLAVE! ........And any kids you had would - with his hard but subtle encouragement - lost all respect for you very early on and abuse you too, like "Scary dad" shows them, so that "Scary dad" wouldn't switch from bullying you to bullying him or her. OR model themselves on you and become too loverly and tolerant and get caught in the Romantic Victim net..... Back to dormancy, your genes - Hello HIS genes.... (Want I go on?) This is a stark difference between a normal-healthy marriage & family (realistically, as includes, sometimes-RARELY unhealthy during rare arguments and low spots) and a high-on-the-scale (which they are) Narcissistic one: Normal-healthy: Mum - in a sing-songy or excited voice, yells, "Daddyyy's hooome!" Yeeeaaaayyyy!, go the kids, running to the door. Narcissistic Den (but where you're still healthy): Mum or kids - in an alarmed voice, yells, "HE'S HOME EARLY! - QUICK!!!" All: "Shit, quick, do a check,... put that away...Christ, give it here, we haven't got time! (shoves it in a cupboard),...OMG, I can see a couple of crumbs on the dining-room floor...!!!!" Not quite The Waltons, eh. Meanwhile, the so-called spouse is constantly cheating on you with an unwitting other woman (or man, they don't care) - or (since the day you met them) cheating on their other lover with unwitting you. Not just one. Anything up to 15 unwitting Harem slaves who meanwhile have no clue and believe THEY are his (or her: the female N-Spaths do this too) only, exclusive lover-spouse (despite he blows hot and cold or starts traumatic arguments to have a great excuse to flounce-off and 'service' his other Harem members outside of your awareness). It wouldn't have borne any resemblance to a romantic relationship nor, especially, a marriage. Just Master-Slave...More like a physical and psychological war-zone. You NEVER feel secure in the relationship, always feel that you're one rightful comment/request/declination away from being dumped/abandoned. They get you behind closed doors and you're done for! And PS, these are the red-mist killers ("Crime de Coeur"). It would sound like this: 'He may be a b***ard...But he's *my* b***ard'. Except, he's not. A lifetime with him would have been, to all intents and purposes - CONSTANTLY as upsetting and destabilizing like this or near-as-damnit. You'd have spent your days in Fight Or Flight mode (which over time does huge damage to your psyche and bodily health). He would have eventually 'killed' you. It's ALWAYS the minute you give Narcs (or they get) any POWER over you that you see the Narcissism properly, fully emerge. I call it "feeding the monster". Every time they succeed, they grow that bit bigger and nastier and smug and superior and UUUUUUGH. Happy Re-Birth Day to you Happy Re-Birth Day TO YOU Happy RE-BIRTH DAY, Dear Aitch-Aitch-Kayy Happy Re-Birth Day to yooooouuuuuu. Give it time and you'll feel like singing it yourself. Meanwhile - like Blue_Sky says: spill-spill-spill, vent-vent-vent..... If you want/need. PS: I hope all of that was coherent and not too much information packed into the one post, it's just I've so little time at the moment but really wanted Conscious You to know that I spotted those well-hidden clevernesses and positives in amongst the too-convincingly Victims act. :) And that's GREAT! Who cares HOW you escape? As long as you do? :D AND YOU DID.

PS: They usually end up parasiting a living off of you, too, like they really do think of themselves as secretly your child (but worse) (Chucky!)....suck you financially dry as well as everything else. "Social Parasites".

..."Someone WEAKER than you, basically." Not nearly as intelligent and switch-on as you. Weaker on every level. (It's a good job your mum and dad made you eat your fish and vegetables, isn't it! :) (just joking) (partly)

Thank you so much BLUE_SKY & SOULMATE. Yes, indeed. I am shocked, I have had several realizations and I can recall every little detail of the incidents that matches the narcissistic behaviour that you have discussed here. I was constantly pinning it on the mom. She is the "BAD PERSON". However, SOULMATE, you have made me realize that it was not her, but him... The amount of frustration, lethargy, constant feeling of anger and the painful feelings of "not being with him" have now changed into "Really, was I being manipulated that horribly?" Yes, deep down, there was a person inside me who was kind of aware that I might be making a mistake. But, I couldn't voice that inner-self. Maybe, I liked getting played. I loved his attention. I craved his love. Even after he was abusive, and I apologized & "said his sorry for him", I would love the kind of attention he gave me. Yes, it was a medicine & I loved getting controlled by him. Your message has truly been an eye-opener. Not only have I realized what kind of a sick person he was but I am now more aware of my emotions. I kind of feel sad though. I wish I would have been more strong. But I couldn't... I could never have been strong. Why? Because my mother is me. I am the one who got this "extreme urge to love" their abuser. Yes, my father has abused my mother for years. His family, his mother have done so much, that both me & my brother are traumatized till date. He still gives my mother silent treatments. I could see my "so-called Fiancée" but also a reflection of my dad & his family in what you described as a narcissist. I am trying to absorb this shock. I have now read these messages more than 10 times. Each time, I feel a chill in my spine. How can I be so naïve. I have this anger within me. Look at how I was treated & he is enjoying his life. He got to US because of me. He has a job because of me. I have spent this entire year, missing him, hating him, & just going from emotion to emotion. I have had such a hard time. I lost more than half of my hair. I gained too much weight without eating more. I constantly feel like I am falling on my back. It always feels like an earthquake when everything is still.... The abuser went away from my life an year ago yet the abuse hasn't left. How do I make myself feel okay with the fact that he has a much better life. He has made it to the top. I want to see him suffer. I would love to see him fail because he has made me feel like garbage. Also, I would really appreciate if you can tell me how can I make sure this doesn't happen to me ever again. How can I know that a person will not turn out to be this horrible. I don't know the traits of a "genuine" person because I live in a society where all men are the same. Whether its my father or him. We talk about red flags... What are the green flags. How can I learn to judge people properly & get away from them without getting involved? I am the first girl from the family to get highly educated. My parents, I & my brother left the village for my education. Then we shifted again. I have a master's degree now. & I want to go for a PhD. I am 28 years old now. I feel old. Like no one will marry me. Its true in my society because in short, they call me a grandmaa or old goods. Every time I think of PhD, I remember him. He is a PhD & is now in US for a post-doc & he is earning very good money. I was looking at the interview guides, CVs (Literally more than 50 versions), job search documents, Post-doc university hunt, presentation slides.... & I feel angry. I want to take away this success from him. It was all me. He was applying for low-paid jobs in our country. I motivated him. He used to say that "I cant do this" & I used to tell him "YOU CAN". And that, THAT makes me feel so mad. I feel like I was his mommy. Where was the "care", "love", "Motivation", "Belief" that I deserved. Reading your messages, it feels like, it was a constant "give, give & give...". So, I don't know what to do. What should be my next steps. I feel like its the end. Your messages have kind of revived me a bit. Atleast, I am not blaming myself or my parents for what happened. But, what should I do next. PS. thank you so much for answering. You have given me hope & really, I can think clearly. I don't remember the last time I was happy under my skin or looked at myself & felt pretty or confident. Well... I was kind of on the verge of ending it all. You have truly saved me. So, whoever you are, I really wish that you get all the happiness & success. I will always be grateful & pray for what you have done for me. Thank you again.

Heya! I haven't got time for a full post (I don't think?) but have a 'Heart Ibuprofen' on me: "How can I be so naïve." There are TWO answrs to that question: 1. Because NPDs shouldn't exist; their corrupt data/stimulus isn't compatible with our normal-healthily-wired brain. Being healthy thus adaptive, ours can learn their language. But your brain basically has to be a contortionist. That's a major portion of the sensation of "Heartache"...basically your brain working harder and faster than it's ever known (especially as coming to conclusions has a survivalist therefore urgent feel to it). 2. There are psychiatrists out there who are trapped in marriage with NPDs as we speak. So what makes YOU so special? ;D 3. You can't respond or react to abnormal until you're sure you're dealing with abnormmal (Did you spot what I did there? LOL) (anti-Narc joke - in case you've still got a giggle in you) I'll continue asap...

Let me ask you a very simplifying, levelling question when it comes to whether he is happier and better-off than you: "Happy People are Nice People / Nice People are Happy People Miserable People are Nasty People / Nasty People are Miserable People" Which one does he align with?

PS: New, Narc-related word - everyone spread it around! As these bozos ARE Feral: Abnormammal. Is that fitting, or is that fitting? :D

PPPS: "I miss giving love." No need. You're going to keep giving it. But to yourself. It's known as "Dating Yourself". It includes spoiling yourself rotten. And by the sounds of how giving, attentive and thorough you are - you're in for a real treat! :) But we'll get to that.

Just addressing some more points... "The amount of frustration, lethargy, constant feeling of anger and the painful feelings of "not being with him" have now changed into "Really, was I being manipulated that horribly?" Excellent. You have a very fast brain (as well as that it can carry a huge weight and still function). Helps hugely. And, YES, YOU WERE. As are so many others, as we speak. Yes, deep down, there was a person inside me who was kind of aware that I might be making a mistake. But, I couldn't voice that inner-self." You got mutineered. Your inner animal has sampled enough and wants you to Get Rid. If for too long, you fail to, it literally takes over. I've been there myself....had to manipulate my Spath out of the country and out of my life, and had seen enough to know it would be dangerous to let him get a single whiff of it (you can't have a civilised Dear John conversation with a Spath, no way, Jose!, and I had a son to protect)....it was like I was acting in a very distinct way, very smoothly, efficiently, and convincingly, but all on auto-pilot. I would keep coming round to my internal thoughts for a few seconds here and there, which were basically, What's going on here - what am I DOING...do I really WANT to be doing this?...but it was like someone kept switching my TV channel to another, the minute I landed on it...too fleeting to grasp or have any effect in stopping me....but I also remember feeling background really quite pleased and proud at how astonishingly well I was acting (gimmie me Bafta! :D). But, like you, there was no way to even pause, let alone, stop myself. It was like someone up there was controlling me via a Remote Controller. And there was a lot more to it than just tricking him out as well....lots of 'extras', as well as lots and lots of prep and having Plans B, C and so on, to deal with any unforeseeable variables. Anyway, long story short: It worked. Beautifully. And his head indeed exploded (The End), LOL. But - was that 'being on auto-pilot' how it felt to you? "Maybe, I liked getting played. I loved his attention. I craved his love. Even after he was abusive, and I apologized & "said his sorry for him", I would love the kind of attention he gave me. Yes, it was a medicine & I loved getting controlled by him. " No - you loved the DRUG he triggered your brain to self-manufacture. It's a Class A, I'm afraid (Opiate - e.g. Heroin). I mean, don't you realise you don't even LIKE him any more? (What's there *to* like!) You're in Cold Turkey, HHK. And you've been headf***ed. And you're grieving what you thought was your relationship. And you're getting used to the shock that you headf***ed him back....harder. That's A LOT to take in. A LOT a lot. But then, your mind would never have let you bit off more than you, uniquely, could mega-chew so - you'll handle it, you'll be fine. AND you'll get your revenge, which will be, you, rising like a Pheonix from the Ashes. But this time, even more mentally ripped than before so far higher flying than before, and a darn sight higher than him. (Little Lord Fontelroy has never even been made to chew his own food; he's a flaccid wimp underneath that false veneer!) What he's reaped is what, secretly, YOU sowed. So he won't be able to 'take it from there'. He'll fail at his job. That's what HAPPENS when you consistently make your 'friend' do your homework, eh! What goes around, comes around... There's no way of knowing how long it'll take to hit him, but it will. And the longer it takes is always because, the bigger it's going to be (hence takes longer to be lined-up). I know. I'm the type that always-always, years, decades later, checks (and keeps checking)!

(We'll get to your father and his family later. Own Oxygen Mask First Before Trying to Help Others On With Theirs. Anyway... your mother sounds like she herself is only inches away from rebelling. I think it's another reason for why she pitched in to such a degree: practise run. Especially as she's just watched her own offspring do it and not expire on the spot. AND she'll be watching how you do from here. ...Yep. You learn a heck of a lot from your own kids. People forget that.