11 y/o daughter feels uncomfy around my mom's bf

Hi, my mom is a widow and has been dating her boyfriend for 8 years. Let's call him Tom. They do not live together. I don't feel she is in love with him, but he does nice things for her, and serves a companion role. Unfortunately Tom is awkward and a bit weird. My 11 year old daughter says he stares at her, and she finds him creepy. She does not like when he is around. I am divorced, and my ex wife and mom strongly dislike each other. Before we split, Tom made several inappropriate sexual comments to my ex, which was not cool. He tried to apologize, but it was always uncomfy after that. My mom thinks my ex is feeding my daughter ideas about him being creepy, which may be true. But even so, I can see why my daughter feels uncomfy in his presence. My son also prefers him to not be around - he says Tom is annoying and weird. So my mom is now considering ending the relationship, but she first wants to talk to my daughter about why she feels uncomfy around Tom. I'm not sure I like that idea, and would only consider it if I was also present for the convo. I've already talked to my daughter about it, and so far I've validated her feelings. I have been doing my best to keep her away from him, including suggesting to my mom that he not be around when me and the kids are visiting her (whch is often). I need help figuring out how to talk to my mom about this, how to continue my dialogue with my daughter about it, and whehter to let my mom talk to her about it directly. Ultimately it's my mom's decision whether to stay in the relationship, or whether to only see him when we are not around. But I know she is looking to me to help her make the call, which is a lot of pressure! Hoping to hear some thoughts and recommendations here. Thanks :)

Hi Snowball, Thanks for waiting. :) You don't take any chances when it comes to Child Protection. You respond as if the person is guilty (which Tom needn't get wind of, can be told she has chicken-pox or something), you get the child outside the person's access, and THEN talk about it. ESPECIALLY as you've got actual evidence that this guy's 'weirdness' gets taken out for walkies and aimed at A.N. Other - this case, your ex/daughter's mother. I note there is no-one supposing that anyone influenced your *ex* into saying Tom had made in appropriate, sexual remarks? So why daughter? SEXUAL. Extra-especially when it's obvious that this Tom is unsettling to more than just your daughter (and son) - FACT. Are you ALL wrong? Keep her (and your son) away from him while you and all family members concerned, sit and discuss how to move forward. Granny will have to come to your houses, on the days she doesn't see Tom. However - questions, if you please: 1. Were you there to witness Tom being inappropriate towards your ex? 2. How old is your son? But, regardless, you should NOT take chances in these situations. It's just not worth the risk. Also, it's YOURS AND YOUR EX'S job to discuss daughter's AND son's feelings about him. This is a job for MumDad, the parental unit. Granny can be present, but just as a listener, since she has no evidence one way or the other. You and ex will have to put your personal feelings towards one another aside for the sake of your babies. But, personally, as Granny has already expressed wavering bias (Cognitive Dissonance), I would confine the conversation to just Dad, Mum, Son, Daughter....Family Meeting - confidential until you get a better sense of whether or not the Zero Contact should continue...and THEN let Gran know you had the meeting, and the 'Family' (Parental) Consensus. If this guy's a sexual predator on-the-quiet, he'll be after anything that moves (and smells vulnerable/needful). So it's entirely believable that he creeps son out, too - and all of you! PS: Not too impressed with Granny, I have to say. She's sticking out like a sore thumb, isn't she. Who would WANT to keep seeing a 'boyfriend' that creeped virtually everyone else in the family out??? Something's wrong there... Over to you?

"Ultimately it's my mom's decision whether to stay in the relationship, or whether to only see him when we are not around. But I know she is looking to me to help her make the call, which is a lot of pressure!" How many years has she treat you like 'the man of the house', the husband without the bells on, so to speak? Did she used to leave all the important decision-making to your late father? PS: Lots of suggestions for the pow-wow, no worries, but one step at a time on this tricky path (so we don't 'drop' anything).

Actually, on second thoughts - plump for Plan B: Granny unaware until after the event and final decision. If she so much as makes one, single Doubting Thomas(ina) type of noise or movement, she could compound daughter's already increased sense of vulnerability. Even just her presence might inhibit the kids. Yeah, no, I'd keep it to yourselves. I forgot to say, Well Done!, btw. :) And PS: Regarding your mother's (cough! - Google!) Parent-Child Role Reversal with you: 'Mother, I cannot possibly make the decision over whether you should end the actual relationship versus see him separately. One, I've never slept with him ((;D)) and, Two, quite frankly, at the very least, your picking the latter *while* trying to decide over the former, should be a No-Brainer'. PPS: Has she told Tom what's going on? (I hope not.)

Hello Snowball6, Firstly well done Dad that you've raised a daughter who is comfortable enough to address such an adult topic with you. Kudos to Miss Eleven Years Old for being brave enough to tell others how she is feeling. All I can say here is (having worked with children in a Childcare role in bygone years and based off my own odd sexual encounter at 12 years of age) when a child has their 'spidey sensors' tingling it needs to be addressed seriously and urgently. Better as a parent to be relieved you were mistaken than risk your future life and that of your daughter/son to be forever marred by not having taken serious action promptly. What does YOUR intuition tell you? As you know all the characters involved personally and we are just outsiders looking in. As for Granny...priorities please! Your Grandchildren's safety, health and happiness comes before any 'outsider' whose 'joined the fray'. My Grandmother delighted in saying 'blood is thicker than water'.

Thank you so much for the thoughtdful replies. I have told my mom I don't want him around the kids. She has not yet agreed as a final answer, but for now she is keeping him away. I feel bad for her because she will be lonely if she dumps him, but I also think she can do better than him!

Me too (think she can)! How many of us does that make, now, including DD here? I repeat: it SHOULD be a no-brainer (if he's too iffy for my grandkids, he's too iffy for me). And evidence shows, you EXPECTED it to be. So normally it WOULD be. Why not now? Answer: because he's iffy... he's ruining her confidence and ability to make decisions, he has a hold on her (not just her loneliness). Your solution, actually, would be - invite Granny on her own MORE OFTEN. FILL HIS GAP TO SQUEEZE HIM OUT. ADDRESS HER LONELINESS and with her NEED for him GONE, she'll be left with purely Want....and realise she DOESN'T want and never would have "if not for the fact she WAS lonely". Then, when you can see her confidence starting to return (from your increased interaction with her), that's the time to seek out appropriate clubs in her area and offer to go with her the first one or few times. This is what I call, upping YOUR (manly) shine to provide a greater contrast with his darkness. It's probably you she misses the most anyway. Short-term effort for long-term contentedness. Cheap at half the price. WHEREAS...if he manages to work his way officially into your family....PFFFFFF, well - you can imagine, can't you!

Hi Snowball6, it was great to hear back from you. I like that you're being 'The Man'. Dad to the rescue! Your kids are precious. You don't need me to tell you that. I can tell you know it and feel it. I'd say to my Mum (if she were the Granny) put him on the curb and don't recycle trash. You don't need him Mum. You've got us.