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Issues reconnecting with my father

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Tl;Dr: My dad has been really difficult to maintain any sort of relationship with, especially in the past few months or so. He doesn't seem to respect me at all, as far as I can tell we don't have any common interests anymore and I'm feeling really conflicted and angry over something he said on social media. It's to the point where I don't even want to talk to him. Any suggestions? I'm a male in my 30's and he's in his 60's. Longer: I'm sure I'm still going to leave stuff out but I'll start with him moving far away a few years before the pandemic. We tried to keep in touch for a while but life just kinda got in the way and we stopped talking as much. Earlier this year he just started hounding me for attention again, even going to other family members and telling them I hate him to try and get my attention. Finally, I suggested just doing a weekly Facebook call since my cell reception is terrible at home and I'm always really busy at work. This has not worked out as well as I had hoped. We don't seem to have any common interests anymore, he gets visibly bored with topics I'm interested in and will often just randomly change the subject, sometimes while I'm still talking. Normally that sort of thing doesn't bother me as much coming from him (he's just like) but it's definitely gotten worse and this lack of any interest in me when he tried so hard to get in touch with me feels really awkward and off-putting. He is ALWAYS trying to get me to travel around and after a while of trying and not getting me to agree to at least come visit him he asked why? I told him honestly that I'm not comfortable traveling right now and I'm often busy with my full-time job. I was especially hesitant to travel out of state during and even after the pandemic. I know traveling has gotten safer but it still makes me uneasy. I also told him also working a really good full-time job that I actually enjoy for once and it's kind of hard to break away from it. He clearly couldn't care less because getting me to travel when I really don't want to has become one of the only things he wants to talk about. I have explained this all to him multiple times and especially when we're on videochat, I can see it just going in one ear and out the other. Earlier this year my cousin sent off wedding invitations and at first I was going to say no but I rather stupidly let him talk me into it. This was bad! The trip went well for the most part, I had fun and it was really nice to see people I haven't seen in a really long time (including my dad), but now all he ever wants to do is pressure me and guilt-trip into taking another trip. He'll use the fact that

Issues reconnecting with my father

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Apparently this was too long. I posted the whole thing on reddit a few days ago, I wasn't expecting over half of this post to just be erased as soon as I posted it here. I even edited it a little before posting but those edits are mostly gone and I can't even edit this and try to boil it down more. I know people probably don't like it when I do this but the full version is https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/comments/16kif1e/what_do_i_do_about_my_dad/

Issues reconnecting with my father

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Sorry for the wait - respondents (all voluntary) are thin on the ground at the mo. Please bear with us? :)

Issues reconnecting with my father

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It's fine. Clearly no one else cares at all anyway. I posted this on reddit almost a week ago, 292 views and nothing. Plenty of newer posts have gotten a lot more attention. I've had some time to cool off and clear my head but the more I think about everything the less I really want him in my life anymore. Before this last falling out I kept thinking that because he's my dad I should just be patient with him and maybe I'm being too hard on him but he's made himself very clear multiple times and made it very clear that he meant the things he said to me. I'm not sure we can have a healthy relationship anymore and it makes me sad. I didn't want to just give up, but this is the second time this has come up (actually kinda the third time) and it's just as bad as it was the first time. He's had years to think it over, plenty of opportunities to at least apologize or something and yet he still said what he said and stuck to it. It's not that I don't want to forgive him, but I'm finding it really difficult to and that's even more frustrating because I know he isn't capable of understanding why I'm struggling with this. I wish I were just being mean about that but honestly, I'm not.

Issues reconnecting with my father

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Hey, it's not personal. People are busy - it's still annual holiday season, remember? Flights were too expensive during August, plus everywhere was too hot anyway, everyone delayed til Sept. Right now, there's only me. Anyway, you're next in the queue - be with you tomorrow...well, later today, now. Definitely by evening.

Issues reconnecting with my father

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I should clarify, I don't really take it personally here specifically because I did notice a few days after posting that this place seems a bit slow. I had worried that maybe I found yet another dead forum but I guess not? It seems like every post lately is kind of lacking responses. Is this site not based in the US? I just tried to look up what annual holidays are in September and the only one that I recognize as a national holiday is Labor day lol. Reddit on the other hand is usually crazy active but my post just gets ignored.. *shrugs*

Issues reconnecting with my father

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Bit slow? LOL - understatement! You can dig in if you want, answer other people's? Anyhoo... (not reading ahead)... "Tl;Dr:" LOL, I'm a wrinkly (well, compared to you) - what does that mean? "My dad has been really difficult to maintain any sort of relationship with, especially in the past few months or so." Has anything happened to crank him up in those few months that you know of (or suspect)? "He doesn't seem to respect me at all, as far as I can tell we don't have any common interests anymore and I'm feeling really conflicted and angry over something he said on social media. It's to the point where I don't even want to talk to him. Any suggestions? I'm a male in my 30's and he's in his 60's." What did he do? And - REALLY? A grown man and father, being offensive to you over social media? Have you ever wondered whether you're adult and he the kid? "Longer: I'm sure I'm still going to leave stuff out" No worries - they'll occur to you as we go. PS: worried and whittling mindset noted. "but I'll start with him moving far away a few years before the pandemic." How far (you can say which countries - that's not nearly enough to identify you)? And have you had a kiddie yet or are in a secure relationship? "We tried to keep in touch for a while but life just kinda got in the way and we stopped talking as much." What had been the split, roughly, between who would call whom? And how often did a call take place - once a week or fortnight? "Earlier this year he just started hounding me for attention again, even going to other family members and telling them I hate him to try and get my attention." Do you mean, you weren't taking his calls at first? Why - because you were busy (because his attempts were unplanned) or because you were cheesed-off with him? "Finally, I suggested just doing a weekly Facebook call since my cell reception is terrible at home and I'm always really busy at work." Fairenoughski. Good compromisory negotiation there? :) But why had he been 'hounding' out-of-the-Blue? "This has not worked out as well as I had hoped. We don't seem to have any common interests anymore, he gets visibly bored" How rude! "with topics I'm interested in and will often just randomly change the subject," RUDER. "sometimes while I'm still talking." (He needs a slapped face.) It's called Conversational Narcissism (go google and if you find him - paste it in here (with a link)). Means you aren't necessarily a disordered narc, just ('just'...PFF!) that you're high on self-absorption and selfishness - and the phone makes 'barging in' more easy than face-to- - sorry - in-person....Think road-rage over-cockiness. What do you tend to do or say when he becomes bad-mannered like that? "Normally that sort of thing doesn't bother me as much coming from him (he's just like)" ***Was that supposed to be 'he's just like that', as in, that's just what he's like?*** You're starting to sound exactly like a 'victim' of a disordered Narc so I guess we have an-OTHER-nother one "but it's definitely gotten worse and this lack of any interest in me when he tried so hard to get in touch with me feels really awkward and off-putting." His 'hounding' and now using you as an audience of one, makes perfect sense if from the start, all he needed (hence his absence before then) waas a brick wall, not a son - don't you agree? Doesn't it also, if we imagine he's a young teenager, expecting you, the parent, to behave on the phone just LIKE a parent does: "Uh-huh...oh, that sounds good...oh, right...well done!... .Well, anyway, I just need to te-... oh, okay - what?....oh, yeah, that's terrible, but look, before you go, I do-......(uh!).....". Me-Me-Me-Me-Me-Me-ME - and you're super-interested because you're my dad. How long ago did they divorce? What is it he's mainly talking about? "He is ALWAYS trying to get me to travel around" You mean, you to do all the travelling...'The mMuntain coming to Mohammad'¿ Is it a case, at least, of 'You go, I'll pay'? "and after a while of trying and not getting me to agree to at least come visit him"... (WELL DONE!) ---"he asked why?" (He cracked...and I'm betting - played along, just waiting for his perfect moment to get his petty revenge - yes?.....stupid question, you can't hear me LOL...well, let's see, then (bet myself a Tenner!...)) "I told him honestly that I'm not comfortable traveling right now and I'm often busy with my full-time job. I was especially hesitant to travel out of state during and even after the pandemic." Fairenoughski that last sentance. And - the first: it's called, you - *you*... have a life. Evidently, he doesn't. And doesn't understandie-wandie Reciprocity/Sharing. Or is he skint and just doesn't want you to know? "I know traveling has gotten safer but it still makes me uneasy." I know an even better excuse: Because, Dud! - you're not worth the bloody effort because you refuse to put the bloody effort IN, despite YOU'RE supposed to be the (usually) richer adult with greater leisure time. Your Love Account in my bonce is thereby EMPTY. (...And give me back my years of Love Coins, you conning basstd :p). "I also told him also working a really good full-time job that I actually enjoy for once and it's kind of hard to break away from it." Nuff said - Finding for the Prosecution! Little (spoiled version) Forrest obviously hasn't got as far as realism and real-life jobs and responsibilities, etc., and is still experimenting with his Crayolas. (Yuh, right.) "He clearly couldn't care less because getting me to travel when I really don't want to has become one of the only things he wants to talk about." Aaaaaaarrrgh! YEP, HOUSTON, WE'VE GOT ANOTHER ONE - CASE CLOSED - BEING HIGHLY NARCISSISTIC AND EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATIVE OR IS ONE (long-term difficulty equals A Pervasive Pattern, meaning, IS one. I just need the answers to all of my questions, please/thanks. "I have explained this all to him multiple times and especially when we're on videochat, I can see it just going in one ear and out the other." Nah. This incessant nagging and gaslighting (didn't hear you/I forgot) is payback for something. PROBABLY, that you are now mounting a protest to the wholly unjust, unfair, unwarranted, unearned, crappy dynamic. NOTICE HOW HE'S A WICKLE FICKIE WHEN IT SUITS AND THE NEXT MINUTE, CONDESCENDINGLY FORCEFUL? It's called Coercive Control. (Noice.) (Not.) So it's just dawned on you, now that he's fairly recently showed a lot more of his arse than ever before and you can tell it looks Narcy? (That's usually how it happens, yeah...) "Earlier this year my cousin sent off wedding invitations and at first I was going to say no but I rather stupidly let him talk me into it. This was bad!" So's Covid. (Counter-manipulation-for-the-power-of-good style evil cackle - join me if you like?.....Doesn't God provide, though - eh? EH? Or the Chinese, whatever.) LET'S SHOUT IT AND GIVE IT A TUNE...."AND SOOO IZZZZ CO...VIIIIIID!" (Fank-oo, Lord/Fate/whatever) Oh, I see - you went! " The trip went well for the most part, I had fun and it was really nice to see people I haven't seen in a really long time" (It's always the way, when you're dreading a bash; turns out to be fun - don't you find?) "(including my dad)," Uuuuuugh. "but now all he ever wants to do is pressure me and guilt-trip into taking another trip." Option A: 'Daaaad?' 'Yes, Son?' 'F*ck off?' Option B: Ignore most of his calls and train him down to less frequency (and duration). Wean that wickle addict OFF his No. 1 Brick Wall. (PS: When you were little, did he play Tennis off of you as well?) Bottom Line Question: Why are you so reluctant to throw this chocolate teapot to the back of the cupboard? What is it you're worried about creating or losing? Oh, well - next time - 'Me gats Covid (uh-HUH-uh-HUH!)....me-kant com...'. 'Why the stupid Jamaican voice?' 'Mi-found out mi real faather was di greeat Bob Marley, mon' (You can do this - refuse to cooperate...take the piss...entertain yourself at his expense - if he forces a call on you. Passive-resistance is allowed when you've nowhere else to go. It's called Self-Defense (because HE'S NOT DOING IT! - your so-called protector - hah!...IN FACT, HE'S THE ONE CONSTANTLY COMING *AT* YOU). Pretend the facetime thingy is broken, take it back to just voice - AND HAVE FUN-FUN-FUN with your DUD-DUD-DUD, which will mess with his head and - welcome to YOUR world, eh! If that taste of own medicine (refusal to conversationally and otherwise, cooperate) doesn't snap him back out of it or back to the Twatus Minoris level he came from (?? you sure-sure-sure??), then you'll know that wickle Forrest can't learn from consequences...which will need a slightly new approach. In case you hadn't noticed: 1. You have total control 2. He needs you, you don't need him 3. You CEASED needing him BECAUSE he taught you never to rely on him 4. Now you're going to make him live his own rules with you (but without you). Onto your next post...

Issues reconnecting with my father

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Is this site not based in the US? I just tried to look up what annual holidays are in September and the only one that I recognize as a national holiday is Labor day lol. Reddit on the other hand is usually crazy active but my post just gets ignored.. *shrugs*" Because people in the know can tell you already know what he is and what you are - and always were - dealing with. They're not appreciating that you're still (somewhat - less than ever, however) stuck in Cognitive Dissonance. I CAN'T dump him - he's My Dad. Yeah, you can. It's a Verb before it can be a Noun. Or you can just dump him for a while....because you've got some work project beginning and are not to be disturbed? You simply don't get ANYWHERE when you use the truth with him - think about it! So if telling the truth is futile, never works - CHANGE IT AND CREATE A NEW CHAIN REACTION. The barrier's in your head, though, isn't it. PS: ""I had worried that maybe I found yet another dead forum but I guess not? " Woo-oooo-ooo-oooooo......WHOOO-OO-OOO-OOOOOOO-OOOOH! (*rattling chains*) Welcome aboard The Marie Celeste, LOL. "It seems like every post lately is kind of lacking responses. " No - really? Can't say I'd noticed (LOL LOL LOL).

Issues reconnecting with my father

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PS: No, we're English. Now British. But I myself sold up and fled during the break in Covid to Spain. I knew what was coming. You're American, yes?

Issues reconnecting with my father

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So - go on, then... What (typically) disparaging, insulting, unbefitting, inappropriate(?) thing did the mean little Still-Teen say on Fakebook? And was it an ambush?

Issues reconnecting with my father

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Only three attempts?...and already more than halfway out the door? Good going! The average is Seven. Only 3... HE doesn't have any other charms to recommend him, then?

Issues reconnecting with my father

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"I just tried to look up what annual holidays are in September and the only one that I recognize as a national holiday is Labor day lol. Reddit on the other hand is usually crazy active but my post just gets ignored.. *shrugs*" Never heard of Fate? Don't believe in it? Because apparently, it believes in you...? (You wait till you're over 40....weird sh*t starts happening and you realise, there be stuff beyond your 5 senses, thereb... ohhh yesss.)

Issues reconnecting with my father

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I advise you DON'T cool down. Not too much, anyway. Normal-healthy relationship: anger not good. Narc Fauxlationship: anger (you, the vic) good. It's your Turbo....VRRRRRRRRRRRRRuuuummmmmmm!

Issues reconnecting with my father

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Have you tried writing him a Dear John letter? Actual, postal letter? I'm betting what came (or failed to come) back would settle your decision for you and make you not just comfy but grateful for it. Plus, you will get to say everything you were ever censored by him from saying. You can eve do a draft here, if you like - I can help.

Issues reconnecting with my father

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Here... The (wryly) hilarious side of being you - up against Dud: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DE3r_CgScms

Issues reconnecting with my father

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"It's not that I don't want to forgive him, but I'm finding it really difficult to and that's even more frustrating because I know he isn't capable of understanding why I'm struggling with this. I wish I were just being mean about that but honestly, I'm not." You're not Jesus. It's not possible for you to forgive - unless and until the perpetrator 'falls at your feet' (understanding exactly what he's done) and begs for it. It's DEFINITELY impossible for you to forgive a Narc. They can sense it and they HATE it and HHHHHHATE YOU!!!... because it represents you being loftier than him...looking down on him.... (I know...just shoot the buggers).... LIKE A (NOWADAYS) EQUAL ADULT - in fact, the ONLY adult. And don't you know it. The ONLY barrier here is.....adapting to the idea first or starting with Baby Steps. Once you start, it's amazing. Talk about game changer.

Issues reconnecting with my father

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(Oh yes - No, it's not an official holiday, it's that so many people avoided holiday-ing in August and went abroad in September instead. (And that caused over-booking/under-staffing and plane delays..saw it twice first-hand with my own guests too.) Because of all the OTT July/August heatwaves, they reckon that September is going to have to become the new August.)

Issues reconnecting with my father

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“Bit slow? LOL - understatement! You can dig in if you want, answer other people's?” I probably will, maybe this weekend. I haven’t really even been that active on the advice subreddit either lately (I’m usually more active). “Has anything happened to crank him up in those few months that you know of (or suspect)?” Not really. Admittedly, what happened on facebook was sort of my fault (I’ll get more into that in a bit). I was irritated and when I saw one of our relatives (I don’t even remember how I’m related to this person) commented it just reminded me of how he treated me over this in the past. “What did he do? And - REALLY? A grown man and father, being offensive to you over social media? Have you ever wondered whether you're adult and he the kid?” Actually, yeah. I’ve felt like that many times over my lifetime. My mother and I have long suspected that he has some sort of undiagnosed disability or something. Mom used to blame it on his excessive weed-smoking habit (which was a major part of why they divorced) but I’ve known plenty of other stoners, none of whom act quite like this. Imagine someone who’s tried weed for the first time and smoked too much. It’s kind of like that, but he’s always like that. I smoke weed myself from time to time and even when I’m really high, I don’t get like that. I’m actually currently taking a break from it for a handful of reasons. Actually, I’ve had friends talk to me about this too and I’ve heard a number of (unprofessional) theories just based on his sometimes weird behaviors. Like, one friend suggested maybe it’s some form of schizophrenia or bipolar because he does sometimes seem to have a split personality but I don’t know. We don’t have schizophrenia running in the family (though weirdly enough he does sometimes hear voices, not really sure what that means) and although I do have a history of depression I’m not so sure it’s related to whatever’s going on in his head. “How far (you can say which countries - that's not nearly enough to identify you)?” I had to convert this from miles, it’s about 7520 kilometers away. Still in US, just a different state. “And have you had a kiddie yet or are in a secure relationship?” Sadly, no. I do have a pretty good, though kind of distant friendship with one of my exes but she’s been married for a few years now so there’s no potential there. “What had been the split, roughly, between who would call whom? And how often did a call take place - once a week or fortnight?” Usually he’d call me and somehow he never managed to call when I could actually answer the phone. I’ll never understand how he manages to time his phone calls so badly. It got to the point where I started leaving reminders on my phone to call him back because often I’d forget or sometimes I’d make a point to call during my lunch break or (if I could) after work. I’d say we’d talk like once or twice a week, sometimes less. “Do you mean, you weren't taking his calls at first? Why - because you were busy (because his attempts were unplanned) or because you were cheesed-off with him?” Well, often because I was busy and his attempts were unplanned. Sometimes I’d ghost him because I was annoyed with him but I didn’t intend to do it as often as I did. “But why had he been 'hounding' out-of-the-Blue?” I’m not even really sure to be honest. He missed me? It’s weird because you’d think someone who misses me that much would be a little more interested in talking WITH me instead of just TO me like he often seems to do. Like, our first few conversations after we decided to do weekly calls were oddly short of dry. It seemed like we just ran out of things to talk about. “What do you tend to do or say when he becomes bad-mannered like that?” It kind of depends on how bad it is. At least, in the past 8 months or so I sort of just sigh and go along with it even if I was in the middle of saying something. More often than not, that just seems to lead into him trying to pressure me to travel again and more recently, guilt tripping me into traveling. Saying things like “Oh, so you’ll only leave if there’s a wedding? Pfft!” or something like that. Honestly I kind of just tune him out when he gets like that and smile and nod until he notices I’ve stopped talking. Last time that happened that was pretty much the end of the conversation. ***Was that supposed to be 'he's just like that', as in, that's just what he's like?*** Yup! That’s my dad. For some reason I never really thought of this as unusual but I have known him to just kind of space out and stop paying attention regardless of whether or not anyone was talking to him. Like he’s in his own little world. “You're starting to sound exactly like a 'victim' of a disordered Narc so I guess we have an-OTHER-nother one” Awkwardly, you’re not even the first person to say something like that. “How long ago did they divorce?” 27 years ago. He’s remarried since then and although I do not like his wife, I can at least get along with her if I have to. There are plenty of reasons I don’t like her, she’s said some pretty awful things to me, like saying my childhood best friend deserved to die because he did drugs (this was a few months or so after his suicide). I’ve heard some of the drama they’ve had and I’m kind of surprised they stayed together after some of their nastier fights. She’s kind of part of the reason they moved too. I guess they’re happier out there? Idk, he hasn’t really opened up to me about that in a long time. “What is it he's mainly talking about?” “What are your travel plans”, “Wouldn’t you like to visit sometime”, “Where would you like to travel to”, “Wouldn’t it be nice to go <anywhere but home>?”, “When’s your next trip?”, “Don’t you want to go <somewhere else>?”, “Wouldn’t <anywhere else> be nice? Why don’t you plan a trip there?”, “You should come visit sometime!”, “When are you coming to visit?” and so on and so on. More often than not he wants me to come visit him and he’ll often suggest places near where he lives. “Is it a case, at least, of 'You go, I'll pay'?” Yeah, as long as it’s to visit him (and his wife). “Fairenoughski that last sentance. And - the first: it's called, you - *you*... have a life. Evidently, he doesn't. And doesn't understandie-wandie Reciprocity/Sharing. Or is he skint and just doesn't want you to know?” Exactly!! So, this at least kind of gets into what finally happened between us. I work in IT. I’ve done a number of IT jobs, including social media management (and that’s kind of the one I liked the least). I currently work as IT support for a local school and for the first time in my life I have a steady job, great coworkers, nearly constant work, and I’m happy here. I’ve been here for a few years and it does kind of seem like the work never really ends, even when teachers and students aren’t around. On the other hand though, I don’t think my father’s EVER had a full-time job in his life. He was just homeless through a huge chunk of my life and only took the odd job, usually freelance art of some sort. He’s good at what he does, but was only able to get work here because he lived here for so long and had built up a decent reputation among the businesses that would actually hire him. Where he lives now, he has no such reputation at all. I knew that, and having already done some social media stuff for another artist I figured it would be nice to set him up with a facebook business page, instagram page and twitter. I kind of worked pretty hard on this, especially the facebook. Since I knew he’d probably be busy, I scheduled posts to go out regularly for him so he could get settled in and start getting to know people in the area. Since he’s moving somewhere where most places are probably going to at least google him and look him up, it would help a lot if they actually had stuff to look at, like examples of his work and glowing reviews from his regulars here. I even set up my old smartphone at the time so that all he had to do was open the app (primarily facebook) and post a picture. I walked him through all of it, explained very clearly how and why he needed to take pictures (because obviously, I cannot follow him around with a camera), stressed how important it was that he at least posts on a somewhat regular basis. I even offered to do all the promotional and SEO stuff for him. ALL he had to do was post pictures of his work, that was it. After a few months went by all the posts I’ve scheduled just stopped. I know he understood everything I had said, I saw he had been posting on his personal facebook but never even touched the business page. For the most part, I sort of just let it go. I tried for a bit to keep up with his posts but kind of gave up. Maybe like a year or so later, we’re talking on the phone and he mentioned he’d been trying to get freelance artwork again but no one wanted to hire him. He tried posting on craigslist and people keep flagging him, so I suggested again “Why don’t we start up that facebook again?” His response word-for-word: “No. I’m not going to use that. I’ll never show it to anyone. I won’t put it on my business card. I’m never even going to look at it. The only reason I’m leaving it up is because you made it!” Even the tone of his voice was poisonous when he said that. It was such an unexpected and hurtful shift in him. I was kind of shocked and I asked him why but the only thing he’d say is either “because I don’t care” or “because I don’t want to.” This was supposed to be something we could work on together! It was supposed to help promote his business and get him work so for him to just turn on me like that was kind of insulting and infuriating. It kind of didn’t occur to me until recently, but that was kind of around the time we started talking less and he even had the nerve to ask me to make him a website a few months later. Of course, I said no. For some stupid reason, I sort of just let this go after a while. When we finally started talking again I didn’t even bring it up and kind of didn’t think of it at the time. It didn’t even really bother me until some relative of ours left a comment on that business page and I remembered what he said. I responded basically just telling her that this page was dead and my dad didn’t care. My dad responded a few days later with something very similar to what I quoted above and I haven’t been on facebook since. I immediately removed myself as an admin, unfollowed the page and logged off of facebook. I haven’t been back since then and it’s been almost 2 weeks now. I know I probably should tell him he needs to take that page down but knowing him, explaining this would just get him to blame me for his business failing the way it has. If this were just a case of “can’t teach an old dog new tricks” I might feel a little more forgiving, but he’s made it crystal clear that is definitely not the case here. He knows what he’s doing and it feels like he’s stupidly doing it to spite me for some mysterious reason (not realizing that this spite of his is actually harming him financially). “Nah. This incessant nagging and gaslighting (didn't hear you/I forgot) is payback for something. PROBABLY, that you are now mounting a protest to the wholly unjust, unfair, unwarranted, unearned, crappy dynamic.” I’ve actually been thinking this all day, even before I read your responses. I can’t for the life of me even imagine what on earth I could have done to deserve this treatment from him. I thought I was doing something nice for him, trying to get him set up with at least a facebook page to promote his art, offering to research potential clients, tagging businesses he’s worked for so they can easily find him and leave good reviews. Nope! Apparently he is so ridiculously ashamed of me that he won’t even consider using anything I’ve made for him (specifically because “I made it”). It’s kind of biting him in the butt now though because no one wants to hire him. He rarely gets work, no one even knows how he is, when they look him up all they find is a dead facebook page, possibly a long dead instagram and Twitter, and an ancient old Pinterest account that he abandoned a very long time ago (kind of unrelated to the rest of this). These people are probably flagging him because they think he’s a scam or someone’s just ripping off his artwork for whatever reason. The only reason I can think of so far for any of this is maybe I somehow ruined his life when I was born? I mean, it’s not like he was doing much with it at the time, so I don’t know. " The trip went well for the most part, I had fun and it was really nice to see people I haven't seen in a really long time" (It's always the way, when you're dreading a bash; turns out to be fun - don't you find?) "(including my dad)," Uuuuuugh. Yeah, figures I’d have a great time and HE’S the one to make me regret going at all. “Pretend the facetime thingy is broken, take it back to just voice - AND HAVE FUN-FUN-FUN with your DUD-DUD-DUD, which will mess with his head and - welcome to YOUR world, eh!” Funnily enough, it actually IS broken. I have the parts and tools I need to fix it but I’ve been dragging my feet on that because I want to save up and replace another part that’s about to break too. I have a pretty decent laptop, but it does need a little work. “In case you hadn't noticed: 1. You have total control 2. He needs you, you don't need him 3. You CEASED needing him BECAUSE he taught you never to rely on him 4. Now you're going to make him live his own rules with you (but without you).” This is mostly true but unfortunately he does have some leverage, my inheritance money from my grandmother (his mom) passing away a few years ago. I’m actually not 100% sure why he got it and I didn’t when she left it to me but he has sent me some of it. At the time, when we talked about it and he said he was sending some of it he said he’d put the rest in a trust? But as far as I know, he hasn’t. Last I heard, he still had it and I kind of could use it right now. Even though I do have a decent job, I’ve recently had to spend a lot so I’m kind of broke for the time being.

Issues reconnecting with my father

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(Heya! Bumping you up for tomorrow eve - or sooner if I can)

Issues reconnecting with my father

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Ohhhh, round objects! I am so sorry - too many posts and no longer organised. I hope you're still there? I'll make you first on my list tomorrow.

Issues reconnecting with my father

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Everything you've put makes sense. Literally everuthing. You're BANG-ON with 99% of it! You just need MORE studying to work out the things that are right now still confusing you for not making sense, behaviourally. Reddit's loss is our gain if you end up wanting to make this your some-time home and learn more by advising, like you're used to doing? We need an emotionally intelligent gentlemen advising/opining. What a treat! :) He's either a Narcissist (who gets off on needling you by refusing to cooperate with your schedule...hooking you via annoyance (fail)) or a bigger, Narcissistic Sociopath/Socopathic Narcissist (N-Spath) himself who's (whoops) tried to replace your mum in a hurry and mis-picked under-pressure his female 'counterpart' (more deadly than the male). QUESTION: Has HE ever said something that is tantamount to stabbing you in an open wound and twisting the knife like she (UGH!) did? (Talk about unconscionable, sacreligous, sadistic....FOUL, FOUL WOMAN, UGH!) Trouble at t' mill. Withdrawal of interest in him by his once so super-keen wife-thing. Cue Secondary Supply (you). And you threaten her agenda so he's probably trying to triangulate her with that OR wants her to think he's talking to another woman. Power Struggle (never-ending...until she squishes him - oh, goes around, comes around - fantastico). He sounds like he was just one step up from an unemployable tramp/drifter. Yup - Spath. Broken to pieces, doesn't work right, couldn't be a father if you shoved a How To manual up his bum. Hence only managed 3 years ( (((((HUG))))))...but thank god!). Plus, I want to punch the pair of them (or tie them to live train-tracks) for you. That's a sign too. So is the fact you sound like my son and all son-victims like your good self. You're in the exact same position. Including, that Dud's 'relationship' (SECRET DAY-JOB, MORE LIKE!) was more important than his kid (what do you do with those things?). He MIGHT knowingly be TRYING to wear you out and sabotage your work performance. All malignant Narcs no matter which type, are Pathologically Envious - even, or especially, of their own kids! (When it comes to a REAL man - don't you dare SHOW HIM UP, now!) Gowoogle...) Wow. IT *yet* (no doubt thanks to your warrior-survivor Mum finally given free rein to rear you healthily) with Emotional Intelligence as well. YEAH, BABY! A genuine real, tough AND soft (depending), rounded man! You'll make a fantastic dad....once you've finished clearing these decks of yours of detritus. What do you want to do - and why: (a) Gently but firmly peel him off your back and plonk him back in his safely distant cage, or (b) Dump the Dud "until he..." (c) Dump the Dud for-good? You sound ready to me. B is good. You might find you keep wanting to extend your planned deadline but a Separation weighs less heavily as you get used to the reality of his gap and start to fill it, e.g., once you're ticketyboo, meet and click with some older bloke who always wanted a son and can be the kind of dad-come-role-model you ..er DON'T need but would like to at least have for mutual, long-term or lifelong comfort reasons. News for you, though: you're your own Dad. You raised yourself under your mum's tutorage and example (bloody hard worker, is she?). He was at best your younger (disturbed and abusively-neglectful) brother. Pingety-Ping? "ALL he had to do was post pictures of his work, that was it." Yeah. But you were 'telling him what to do and how' and his sick ego can't take that so he just doesn't....cuts off his own nose in the process (yup - typical). He doesn't want to work. He'd rather cheat his way through life. He times his phonecalls to be irritating. Swat Narx Do. On both counts: YOU don't get to tell HIM what to do because HE'S "the Daddy". (Only he's not - he's a toddler trapped in an adult suit.) Oh, and wifeypoo-poos is trying to (don't laugh) ISOLATE him! By being rude and sadistic to you...kicking you EXTREMELY VIOLENTLY, NOTE, when you were really DOWN, NOTE, you'll feel even less like continuing going. See it? "This was supposed to be something we could work on together! It was supposed to help promote his business and get him work so for him to just turn on me like that was kind of insulting and infuriating." Nah. It was your last-ditch attempt to put paid to the suspicion - undoubtedly thanks to 'broken-record' claiming on his part - that's it's not him, it's the world and everyone in it, holding him back from success, blah-blah-blah. And malig Narcs, Spaths espec, could nag for the entire United States! "he even had the nerve to ask me to make him a website a few months later. Of course, I said no." Jeezuz-AH! How mind-bendingly frustrating! Good for you! GOOD FOR YOU!!! You are very impressive, my lad, and a huge standing ovation for yuor mother and you (you made a great mum-son team, clearly). But you might not have been, had your sperm-donor not been such a twit-with-an-A. Seriously. Raise a glass to him - I would! Yeah.....That wasted site, the WELL-timed phonecalls, actually... He doesn't want to see you succeed or he will finally have a truthful mirror that reflects back the total, dysfunctional nutjob, stunted, mean-minded, back-to-front-upside-down kid he is (and try saying that after 10 pints!). Could even be that he's smeared you to his new wife, hence her revenge, and likes torturing her (and you) with your visits. Her resentment would have to be too off-the-charts for her to have gone so cruelly OTT, though. Nah. He's met his match and then some. He's going down. Did she have money? They ALL 'just turn on you'. N-Spaths LOVE to Ambush their victim, out-of-the-Blue, seemingly provoked by nothing or actually, by nothing. I'll fetch you a link or two later/tomorrow. But - you? You're so incredibly intelligent AND gentle AND tough AND talented - you're the whole package, mate. Course you'll be married and have a kiddie. And that's why you did this last-ditch, hence humungous, favour type experiment on him. So now you know he's not normal nor logical. He's literally Out-Of-Order and self as well as other-destructive. Oh, yeah, you'd be humiliation-on-legs to him AND her(it), you would. As for this bit: "I responded basically just telling her that this page was dead and my dad didn’t care. My dad responded a few days later with something very similar to what I quoted above and I haven’t been on facebook since." Oh. You ex-POOOOOOOSED him to a member of his public instead of kept his insulting crime against you, schtum. High. FIVE! "I immediately removed myself as an admin, unfollowed the page and logged off of facebook. I haven’t been back since then and it’s been almost 2 weeks now." And now you're just showing off, hahaha! Get it drummed in now: he is NOT ashamed of YOU, he is ASHAMED of himself because, looking at you stood beside him in the full-length magic mirror, he can no longer avoid the truth. You da man, he da toddler who COULDN'T RUN A BATH! He could if he wanted. But the trouble with these giant, too-far-gone Narcs is that, they DON'T want. Because THEY DON'T CARE. Especially about tomorrow. Just right now. Worse than a goldfish but in the forwards direction, not the reverse (past). Abusing you - and your time - is how he makes himself feel cleverer than you again (HAH!)...sorry, DELUDE himself he is. You're too good for him - by miles - by solar systems - by galaxies! Your mum must be so proud of you. I know I am. Your gen and under are changing the wooorld for the better - YESSSS! All because you guys have been talking-talking-talking and comparing notes and reading up and listening to your mums, etc. Please would you stay once you feel better and no longer need this thread, or even duringtime, and join our resident posters? I know you don't have much time so, even just one post per month would do? Hell - whenever you liked! Oh, and just to drive my point home - you're ahead of me, I've just read! : "I know I probably should tell him he needs to take that page down but knowing him, explaining this would just get him to blame me for his business failing the way it has. If this were just a case of “can’t teach an old dog new tricks” I might feel a little more forgiving, but he’s made it crystal clear that is definitely not the case here. He knows what he’s doing and it feels like he’s stupidly doing it to spite me for some mysterious reason (not realizing that this spite of his is actually harming him financially)." Yep. I repeat: 2nd (er) wife has money and it's her house he moved into, yes? Divorce settlement, per chance? And - nope! Explain nothing. YOU DO *NOT* REWARD SOMEONE TOXIC FOR BAD BEHAVIOUR. So it's - Eff you, you ungrateful eejit and now bog-off and let me make myself a life that YOU are too broken to have wanted - because I DO care! Because, in spite of you - I work right. Some say, beautifully. Oh, and sthat 'some stupid reason' is because you're into your career and future and capable of prioritizing and and and. Don't ever use the S-word in front of you again - dya hear? Aaaaaaand another thing (LOL): "The only reason I can think of so far for any of this is maybe I somehow ruined his life when I was born? I mean, it’s not like he was doing much with it at the time, so I don’t know." Awww, shat-aaaap. HAHAHAHAHA! He won the Lottery and knew only to set fire to his lottery ticket because his short-term, dysfunctional feelings trumped all non-future non-considerations!!! How's that anything to do with you? Your dad was a barely domesticated animal. He CAN'T bond to other humans - even tiny cute ones. Yep, more studying-up on NPD-AsPD required! You have a look for pertinent links and post them and I'll look and do likewise...can never have enough. I probably haven't finished but I need to eat.

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PS: Do me a favour since you're in the states and live mostly in the web, and type really coherently? Pff! is my word. Started it on a US forum in the early 2000s. There's no T at the end. It's when you blow through your loosely closed lips and top teeth. No 'Tuh!' on the end. I said that and said that until I was Blue-in-the-face at the time, they minute they picked up that habit of mine (I constantly play with and create new words and terms), but did they listen? Did they heck. Can you also pretty-please (just as you go on your ether travels) correct anyone when they say this: "I could care less". It's "I COULDN'T care less (because I care so little already)". That's not mine, obvs. Been around for eons. Misquotes make me itch. LOL Sorry. Unconventional, I know...

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PS: Narcs are weed-users and their victim-survivors are weed-users (but the majority). Difference is - Malig Narcs abuse everything and everyone they touch. Intinsically Normal-healthies, the only temporarily damaged with the healthy functioning to HEAL, show it respect and tend to come off it consciously or without really realising, once they feel better/stronger. Same as your especially insightful statement up there about how weed is merely one of his symptoms, not his disease, and a excuse to hide behind...a "go to" Blame receipient...an excuse for NOT getting better when the truth is, they JUST CAN'T. Their beliefs, attitudes, thinking and therefore equally warped (limited range of) feelings, got set in concrete at an early age. Hence their Groundhog Day-ness. Hence can't learn and grow. Or rather, lack the will or care to. Hence can't. They prefer people to think they WON'T. To cover up their childish inadequacies. (See how that works?) They (haha) 'couldn't care less' because caring leads to their exposure by needing follow-through. And some poor victim with money or even just more money than him, is always there to enable that ("Ma-ma!")....until the Sugar Mummy wakes up and spits him out. In summary: he's 'Chucky' or 'a Gremlin' with talent, who doesn't want to do it to earn money because he doesn't have the adult mind with which to run with it, to know how to, to have the self-discipline of a freelancer, but knows how to be a dangerous pest. You're right. He was intending to blame you for the dead site and you foiled him. Well done, Batman! Bullies of all types rely on their victims' silence. Blow that whistle for all you're worth - always, always, always!

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Ooh- what were the chances!? "Funnily enough, it actually IS broken. I have the parts and tools I need to fix it but I’ve been dragging my feet on that because I want to save up and replace another part that’s about to break too. I have a pretty decent laptop, but it does need a little work." Fate works in mysterious and bloody cleverly customised ways!

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"I’m actually not 100% sure why he got it and I didn’t when she left it to me but he has sent me some of it. " Come on now, don't stick your leg back on when you're so nearly off that horrid Matrix. Stay with me... He got it because he got awarded Power of Attorney and so was in a position to say, it comes to me, and, trust fund. He'll have spent it already or have it in some account that's secret from her (while he gets richer off of her whenever he feels like doing a day's work once in a while that she never knows about, anyway). They ALL 'blame' a trust fund and then you find out it was ollox. He sent you a bit of his/her cash to strengthen that illusion. Spaths: smoke & mirrors a speciality. Sorry. But I would bet my house on it. Wouldn't you, if you're bravely honest? The GOOD news is - this means you're FREEEEE!!! Tell him to stick his pretend money up his arse - i.e. both ends! You're nothing like him, are you. In fact, you're the opposite. Are you a mini-Mum in looks and practically everything else, but, say, got his nose?

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If it was a really decent amount, however - you could consult a lawyer? Imagine that....you, taking your Dud to court. I wonder if all the rellies would get to know? Bet they would. That'd get him coughing-up if he can, eh.

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Does your Mum know about the inheritance money? What does she reckon?

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PS: You don't want that money anyway. That was YOUR excuse of a delay tactic: Oh, I know I should cut this canerous lump out of my life like Mum wasted no time in doing (so he couldn't taint you, her little masterpiece), but, there's the inheritance. But if you look at your feet.... 'Job I enjoy for-once'....they're busy trying to forward-fill that gap because THEY know a man like that...well, put it this way: to have and to hold from this day forward...till death do you part / I will. He will. Yeah. He says what he means and means what he says, he does. Yeah. If he can't make a commitment when it comes to THAT size of seriousness - no way can he do a more 'trivial' and (you'd think) easier thing of not spending YOUR money (probably to chat up women for manipulating into his secret, satellite-style harem behind his wife's and conqubine's backs) (it's a full-time job being a Narcopath, you know. No room for anything else. And I'll bet they "lend" and save him money, too.) But you and your Mum should be so proud of yourselves because you've joined the Narcissism-slaying elite of Empaths - you are another Full-Stop ("Cruelty to children must stop, FULL-STOP!"). His misery-making disease will NOT keep getting passed down YOUR line. You have saved sooooo many babies into adults into babies¡ quality of lives, you cannot possibly imagine!

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Hey, look - case in point - spread this round too if you like... "Misquotes make me itch." Misquotos...bite then make you itch. (Psychological version of mosquitos - obvs) (Me like.)

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And yes, I am, thank-you for asking. Because it's Saturday night and Me Time (the two coinciding is rare), and I don't like alcohol. And because you won't mind. :) It's like the sea. Have a bit of bloody respect and appreciation for its power and none of the usual arrogance ("I can handle it...other users are just weak") for something that could quite easily drown you, by staying in the shallows where you'll keep your footing even if a giant wave crashes in. (....I think? Haha!)

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Alternativo - you could always just outright SAY to him: Can you send me the rest of my money from Gran, now, please, as I really could do with it now. I had a sub of X Dollars so there's a balance of Y. You'll be able to tell from his reaction whether he's touched it or not, and/or whether he has indeed been deliberately keeping it from you (for far too long - you're in your 30s ffs!) so as to have leverage. You might need to counter-manipulate with Future-Faking (oogle) a good month or more before asking, e.g.: Have you ever been water-skiing because I was thinking we should try it together next time I visit yours. Or horse-riding or absailing - whatever you think he'd say yes to. Even start sending him links. We could discuss the nitty-gritty, but - just in principle, what do you think? Cuh!...withholding your inheritance well into your 30s.... SHAMELESS! (major tick!) (which is what he is, actually)

Issues reconnecting with my father

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(Bumping this up...)

Issues reconnecting with my father

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WOW!! I am really sorry I've been gone for so long! I should probably fill you in on some news before I get to replies: My dad finally called mom and she SORT OF explained why I hadn't been talking to him but I feel like he's just going to apply his own stupid theories to this and she didn't explain it that well. I noticed he'd been calling me off the hook on facebook and then I went on vacation. When I got back, he had sent me a message but I only saw the message preview that simply said "Everyone makes mistakes" which told me everything I needed to know about his response: It's all childish CYA crap and no real apology or anything. Even what mom told me about their phone call confirms this, he just accused me of losing "irreplaceable photos" which, if they're the ones I'm thinking of, it's his own damn fault they were lost. This sort of leads nicely into the first question: QUESTION: Has HE ever said something that is tantamount to stabbing you in an open wound and twisting the knife like she (UGH!) did? (Talk about unconscionable, sacreligous, sadistic....FOUL, FOUL WOMAN, UGH!) Yeah, kind of. I should start with explainging how the photographs were lost. At the time, I was living with him and his wife and he had given me a few photos of his art to scan for him (for some reason). At the time I was kind of stuck between jobs, I had recently turned down a live-in caretaker job a few months earlier because I thought I had to stay with dad and help take care of my grandparents but then we ended up putting them into a carehome. He knew I was still looking for a place (and a job) and one day, when I got hom I found he had removed all my stuff and thrown it out in the back yard under a tarp. He claimed he thought I had moved out already because I hadn't been home for a few days despite clearly seeing that I hadn't. I would have been homeless on the streets if a good friend hadn't taken me in after that. The previously mentioned photos were probably angrily thrown into that heap under the tarp at the time. I have no idea where they ended up after that. Another incident happened a few years before that, when he his wife had left me to take care of the house for like 8 months alone. For months before that they had both been telling me I could help myself to all the alcohol because they don't drink and of course, over the 8 months they left me, a 22-year old, alone in a house full of alcohol. I had a small group of friends over a couple of times and of course, we had some drinks. Then one day dad comes over to spend the night and he spends the entire night accusing me of "stealing his alcohol", trying to gaslight me into thinking I somehow drank it all in one night, telling me I'm an alcoholic and that I need to clean up and get help, etc. There's NO WAY I could have had ALL THAT alcohol in one night but he was pretty convinced of it for some reason. A few months after that, I had a friend who needed a place to stay and offered to rent out the spare room. This friend actually IS an alcoholic, but he had a good job and would have been able to pay the rent. Ever since I had moved in, both dad and his wife had been telling me I should get one of my friends to rent out the room and this friend was the first to show any interest. My father was not kind to him at all! He refused to rent to him, triend to hide the whole situation from his wife, was very rude and disrespectful towards my friend to the point where he just left after a rather nasty conversation where dad called him "worthless trash" and saying things like "you don't matter" and "pretend you don't exist" and things like that. This particular friend was already going through a lot himself and I feel like that kind of just made things worse for him. This wasn't the first time I had a friend tell me they get a bad feeling from my dad but this was probably the worst incident of it. I know they had some other dispute right before my friend leftt but I don't think I ever knew what exactly happened. Dad claimed he found an empty bottle of hard alcohol in the room my friend was staying in but my friend refused to even touch any kind of hard alcohol. He preferred beer. I truly don't believe that "empty bottle of hard alcohol" my dad claimed to find ever actually existed, but it's given him yet another excuse to believe I'm an alcoholic. Yeah. But you were 'telling him what to do and how' and his sick ego can't take that so he just doesn't....cuts off his own nose in the process (yup - typical). He doesn't want to work. He'd rather cheat his way through life. You kinda hit the nail on the head there. His stubborn refusal to cooperate at all really hurt him in more ways than one (financaily, with his relationship with me, also he pretty much publically embarassed himself by saying what he said on social media). He times his phonecalls to be irritating. Swat Narx Do. YUP!!! I decided to just block his number at this point. Oh, and wifeypoo-poos is trying to (don't laugh) ISOLATE him! By being rude and sadistic to you...kicking you EXTREMELY VIOLENTLY, NOTE, when you were really DOWN, NOTE, you'll feel even less like continuing going. See it? Yeah, this is exactly why I don't like her. Not the first time she's said something that rubbed the wrong way and she has a bad habbit of doing that. No wonder her own children (from a previous marriage) won't talk to her! Nah. It was your last-ditch attempt to put paid to the suspicion - undoubtedly thanks to 'broken-record' claiming on his part - that's it's not him, it's the world and everyone in it, holding him back from success, blah-blah-blah. EXACTLY!! Did she have money? She was rich before she met and married him. I'm not sure how well-off she is now but I know she suffered a lot financially and kind of blamed on on the economy, which is kind of true I suppose. Oh, yeah, you'd be humiliation-on-legs to him AND her(it), you would. Sure seems like it. It feels so weird and childish to me that he goes and tells mom some sob story, then just makes up excuses for his own bad behavior. ....until the Sugar Mummy wakes up and spits him out. I don't know, I get the feeling his wife enjoys keeping him as a pet or something now. She was more attentive and caring towards him than I expected when I saw them on my trip a few months ago. "Attentive" and "caring" were definitely not words I'd usually use to describe her. He'll have spent it already or have it in some account that's secret from her (while he gets richer off of her whenever he feels like doing a day's work once in a while that she never knows about, anyway). They ALL 'blame' a trust fund and then you find out it was ollox. He sent you a bit of his/her cash to strengthen that illusion. That sounds JUST LIKE him too! Does your Mum know about the inheritance money? What does she reckon? She does, and she reminds me of it every once in a while. Whether or not he still has it, who knows? He claims to but you're right. I really wouldn't put it past him to "dip into it" for various reasons, especially between jobs. Last I heard, he was working a part-time dead end minimum-wage job and I wondered how he could possibly be making enough money to live the way he does... assuming his wife isn't just supporting him, which she probably is. I don't know what she does now but she used to do a lot of real-estate stuff. She owned a few houses and condos before she met him but last I heard she had sold them all. I don't feel like I really deserve as much praise as you've been giving me, but you're right about far too many things here. The more I think about it, the less I actually want this man in my life at all. It feels so weird to me that he'd go crying to my mom but then if I give him any attention he behaves the way he does. He claims to be enjoying our conversations but I question whether or not he's aware that his own face is visible in these calls and I can clearly tell when he gets bored. Even without the visual aid, some of his rude behavior still hints that these conversations aren't as stimulating to him as he claims. It also feels weird that he'd tell mom he "still wants a relationship with me" but treats me like garbage for even trying to do anything nice for him and his behavior with me feels so disrespectful, especially in hindsight, like when he tries to guilt-trip me into visiting him after I already said I didn't feel comfortable traveling. Something that definitely sticks out like a sour thumb, now that I really think back on it, is how he used to treat me whenever we both visited my grandparents when I was a kid. He always behaved like he was absolutely furious with me and once it got to the poing where he pinned me against the wall and almost punched me in the face. That particular incident sticks out very strongly because I was only about 16 at the time. I was out with some of my cousins having a good time and all the sudden he shows up, absolutely livid with me and forced me to come back to my grandparents condo with him. He claimed that grandma wanted me back but when I got there, neither of my grandparents were even expecting me back. I tried asking my grandma, she said she had no idea what I was talking about my dad angrily kept talking over her until I pointed at him and shouted at him to stop. That's when he pinned me against the wall like that. To this day, he has NEVER properly explain what the hell that was all about. Even when we did talk about it, he didn't really give me a straight answer. It got so bad that I wouldn't even travel with him anywhere after that, so no surprise that I don't want to travel to visit him.

Issues reconnecting with my father

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Bear with a little bit!...and thanks for your post-replies, they were first-class!

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No problem! Take your time. I'm kind of glad to be back.

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Umm.. Bump? His birthday was last weekend and I didn't call because I still don't feel like I could talk to him without getting really angry.

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(Nooo, don't say Bump, just post your comment. Bumping-up is a different thing, a Mod's responsibility.......gerroff, you, haha!......unless that was your hinted application to become my deputy/assistant???? You certainly seem assertive and insightful enough, and, truthfully, I could definitely do with one lately...(???)) Anyways...I'll respond in chronological order of posting... (PS you based in the US? Bar spelling Mum, Mom - you actually sound quite British?) "My dad finally called mom and she SORT OF explained why I hadn't been talking to him but I feel like he's just going to apply his own stupid theories to this and she didn't explain it that well." Finally called her back, you mean? I imagine if she'd ever been able to handle him - including getting him to call back within a reasonable, respectful time-frame and even GETTING to explain anything to him, without interruption, especially things he didn't want to hear - ...basically anything that came from her or any woman (they're the misogynists - or misogynistic fire-spreaders) - she might have stayed married to him, eh. You, FT, are going through what is actually a bog-standard post-NPD version of the Divorced Kid. In a nutshell, now that you're at the life-stage where you're not just understanding things in principle but also emotionally, thanks to your decades, now, of first-hand and even subliminal emotional education. He DOES bother you, but it's simply that certain Annoyed nerves have given up after not having been heeded too many times (your not having 'divorced' him, the constant source of aggro, 'because (technically) he's your 'Dad') and so just don't bother TELLING you they're hurting. But those constant insulting woundings, whether verbal or just ATTITUDINAL into behavioural/neglectful - still collect up, drip...drip...drip...until your Tolerance Bucket overfloweth. Part of you is trying to give him every opportunity to prove you needn't 'fire him'. Can you see what a child he is inside that adult's body? He's not your Dad. Your his. HE is your younger (estranged) brother. If YOU'D been your mother, you'd have chucked him out within 2 years of moving-in. He must have beaten her to a too-exhausted pulp if he had been the one to jump ship. Added to that - she wouldn't have wanted to break up your family home. You're free, though. He has zero hold over you, bar that money. Well, let's see what he said/she said on that score, then... "I noticed he'd been calling me off the hook on facebook and then I went on vacation. When I got back, he had sent me a message but I only saw the message preview that simply said "Everyone makes mistakes" which told me everything I needed to know about his response: It's all *childish CYA crap and no real apology or anything." *There we go - you DO see it. (I wonder if he does. Or even senses it about himself. What do you think?) PS: Is he a law-breaker, even 'pettily'? Even a little bit shady? "Even what mom told me about their phone call confirms this, he just accused me of losing "irreplaceable photos" which, if they're the ones I'm thinking of, it's his own damn fault they were lost. This sort of leads nicely into the first question:" UUUUUUUUUURGH! Oh, don't remind me. He's definitely Covert and 'Vulnerable'. HE'S now magically the victim to your perpetrator. It's more than galling, isn't it...it's outright, gross injustice. It's not possible, even with motivation (and for them, no other human is that, least of all women and children), for them to bust a gut and see/behave better in the long-run, even just by-rote, due to the sad fact that their 'toxic flatulence' just leaks covertly or involuntarily out of other 'holes'....as you see: his setting fire to the opportunity on a plate you created for him has suddenly been turned round to, you're the problem - you lost his photos. (Well, so would have even a Saint at that point so don't worry about it...but, my point is, he ignores the fact he started that whole chain reaction: pushed you too far past Too Far...you'd had enough of Having Had Enough. You could be reprimanded, had it been a FIRST resort. But it wasn't...by far. See the difference? It's one that victims too easily overlook when feeling guilty that they themselves didn't behave that prettily at breaking point.) Even if they manage it for short periods, you might come to find that this is enfuriating for you because you think, 'You nasty little bugger, all those years and turns out you COULD have kept yourself in-check that whole time!'...and that snuffs out the last of the spark. Alternatively/additionally, (anizzinit ironic), WITHOUT all his usual smoke & dust kicking-up nonsenses for a couple of months, this just gives you the room to realise that you actually dislike them intensely and/or find them incredibly boring and tedious (like that ManniShow short video -Gen Z versus Jeffrey Dahmer- ..."I'm done....Cos I'm bored...aaaaaand you're-boring!, so, byeeee!"). "Winning" is distancing if you can't dump (they just rapidly attach to someone else). Or just one-two-three, dumping (which you can do 'nicely'...which technique helps you get your closure, actually, in the form of understanding just how relationship-dysfunctional as well as hassley/nasty/vindictive they truly are.) (I'm going to do it in chunks...internet's a bit iffy of late.)

Issues reconnecting with my father

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"QUESTION: Has HE ever said something that is tantamount to stabbing you in an open wound and twisting the knife like she (UGH!) did? (Talk about unconscionable, sacreligous, sadistic....FOUL, FOUL WOMAN, UGH!) Yeah, kind of. I should start with explainging how the photographs were lost. At the time, I was living with him and his wife and he had given me a few photos of his art to scan for him (for some reason). At the time I was kind of stuck between jobs, I had recently turned down a live-in caretaker job a few months earlier because I thought I had to stay with dad and help take care of my grandparents but then we ended up putting them into a carehome." "We"? You sure about that? Also - Why? "He knew I was still looking for a place (and a job) and one day, when I got hom I found he had removed all my stuff and thrown it out in the back yard under a tarp. He claimed he thought I had moved out already because I hadn't been home for a few days despite clearly seeing that I hadn't. I would have been homeless on the streets if a good friend hadn't taken me in after that." WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHAT? Sorry - WHAT???????? Oh, he's horrid, ew... How could anyone do that to their son. Yep...yep...."cuckoo!"...he REALLY doesn't work right. Ok, now I know his level. Yep, he's used you to control his new wife, slandered you to her and told her you don't like her, all of that sh*t-stirring, school playground nonsense (because mentally-emotionally he hasn't progressed a day beyond that). So he's trying to isolate HER, in that case. Yep, she's got a settlement. Nope, he doesn't want to work, just wants an IMPRESSION of one. Seeing it now? He doesn't want to EARN money, he wants to leech it. He's an evil and retarded type of Gigalo. And you're Mr Fair...you might stick up for her if you saw how increasingly badly he started treating and affecting her. You had to go....is why he couldn't get rid of you fast enough. Seeing it now? Fits perfectly, symmetrically, simply - right? The Mist Clears... Dump the Dud. He's her lesson to learn now. The trust money would have been spent long ago bar that "impressions managing" initial lump-ish sum. And anyway - think about it - you would surely rather stick needles in your eyes than accept ANYTHING off him now?...not that you'd ever be given anything (they're pretent-Givers for the first "five minutes" - which is to set the victim's bar! - then Takers-amen). "The previously mentioned photos were probably angrily thrown into that heap under the tarp at the time. I have no idea where they ended up after that." GOOD. Those photos, as I've now explained, were just props anyway. Props. Your father is worse than a straight (C/C-Vuln.) Narc. He's a Sociopath. Straight Narcs are cleverer/subtler...Spaths need to butter you up loads, combined with seemingly legitimate Props as part of their own Masks Of Sanity/Respectability. He IS a crook. He's a Behind-Closed-Doors Domestic Conman with Narcissistic Disorder. My mind's made up now but I'll still read, in case... "Another incident happened a few years before that, when he his wife had left me to take care of the house for like 8 months alone. For months before that they had both been telling me I could help myself to all the alcohol because they don't drink and of course, over the 8 months they left me, a 22-year old, alone in a house full of alcohol. I had a small group of friends over a couple of times and of course, we had some drinks. Then one day dad comes over to spend the night and he spends the entire night accusing me of "stealing his alcohol", trying to gaslight me into thinking I somehow drank it all in one night, telling me I'm an alcoholic and that I need to clean up and get help, etc. There's NO WAY I could have had ALL THAT alcohol in one night but he was pretty convinced of it for some reason." If you were reading that on behalf of someone else here, you'd say - that's just full-blown crazy...whether because he knew he was lying but needed an excuse to puke into you, his private, personal Toxins Toilet or because he has managed to delude himself he didn't make the offer (e.g. pissed-off...regretting the offer...feeling bad....that means Other Person To Blame...equals, Hate Them...equals, Bully Them). Just crazy. YOU CANNOT - NO HEALTHY PERSON CAN - HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH "THAT". It's going to go tits-up no matter HOW champion one is at keeping jelly nailed to the ceiling. "A few months after that, I had a friend who needed a place to stay and offered to rent out the spare room. This friend actually IS an alcoholic, but he had a good job and would have been able to pay the rent. Ever since I had moved in, both dad and his wife had been telling me I should get one of my friends to rent out the room and this friend was the first to show any interest. My father was not kind to him at all! He refused to rent to him, triend to hide the whole situation from his wife, was very rude and disrespectful towards my friend to the point where he just left after a rather nasty conversation where dad called him "worthless trash" and saying things like "you don't matter" and "pretend you don't exist" and things like that. This particular friend was already going through a lot himself and I feel like that kind of just made things worse for him. This wasn't the first time I had a friend tell me they get a bad feeling from my dad but this was probably the worst incident of it. I know they had some other dispute right before my friend leftt but I don't think I ever knew what exactly happened." Bad feeling? That was a full-on ASSAULT! Who picks on (age-diff) a kid? WHO PICKS ON A KID? ONE THAT'S ON THE FLOOR AND VULNERABLE AS HELL ALREADY! Monsters, that's who! Sorry. But you know I'm right. How many friendships of yours has he damaged? Where you even aware of all of them? (You can't have more friends than he had at your age or that would show him up for what he is too!) Wow. Just wow. (Read the last quarter of Lily's thread, about Lily's Aunt's near-miss with "Craptain Von Crap" as I named him - you'll see. 'Cousins'. Practically carbon bloody copies. He's thick as pig shite as well...that was openly downright Anti-Social (tick - Spath-Narc). A Covert would never be that transparent and identifiable...they can stay under-the-table for DECADES AND DECADES (more's the pity). THANK GOD HE LEFT AND YOUR MUM (she's obviously quite passive and stubborn) FAILED TO BEG HIM NOT TO! (Couldn't wait to see the back of him, I imagine....still agonised and devastated, and guilt-ridden, though, I imagine - for you, especially.) Trust me. Being without a Dad is preferably to living with an irritating, expasperating, anti-cooperative - anti-everything, actually, emotionally- (AND financially!) dangerous, permanently-Out-Of-Order machine like him. Me, I'd rather nail jelly. "Dad claimed he found an empty bottle of hard alcohol in the room my friend was staying in but my friend refused to even touch any kind of hard alcohol. He preferred beer. I truly don't believe that "empty bottle of hard alcohol" my dad claimed to find ever actually existed, but it's given him yet another excuse to believe I'm an alcoholic." Oh, he LIKES that accusation, doesn't he... PROJECTION, YOUR HONOUR! Google Projection. It's one of their favourite tactics. Tell him, you're not an alcoholic, but that it's no thanks to him because, with a so-called father like him, too many sons *would* be by now. Bleugh. Well, I'm even more impressed with you now I've heard the fuller extent of ...."him" (It). (His poor second wife....) Did your mum ever carefully and sensitively explain what he was like and not to have any expectations or you'd end up insulted as well as disappointed (and less well-off)? Was your poor friend ok?

Issues reconnecting with my father

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Next chunk... ""Yeah. But you were 'telling him what to do and how' and his sick ego can't take that so he just doesn't....cuts off his own nose in the process (yup - typical). He doesn't want to work. He'd rather cheat his way through life." You kinda hit the nail on the head there. His stubborn refusal to cooperate at all really hurt him in more ways than one (financaily, with his relationship with me, also he pretty much publically embarassed himself by saying what he said on social media)."" Narc-Spaths are very deceitful and get up to a heck of a nefarious lot behind your back, but, NOT very good at being silent-but-dealy Spies, like the Coverts and Covert-Vulnerables. They're kind of too far gone....no longer just on the way down the plughole (Coverts are slower), but actually AT the plughole....and so they want to take one last "smug Perfect" (you, your mum, etc., etc.) down with him. This wife has shown she can be an overtly cruel b*tch, though. He may well be trying to isolate her and convincing her you're the heinous enemy, but methinks, either she'll put up a very long, hard fight that batters him just as much OR she's not a "poor wife" at all, but his match...and "the female is deadlier than the male". Also female Narc-Spaths are even more prone to violent outbursts than the males. Her cause still might well be his slandering you to her...but I reckon she'd see through that and have a reason all her own for using that AS AN OPPORTUNITY to put you off visiting again BECAUSE she's isolating HIM....and he hasn't a clue. Yet. He'll get his...hoh-hoh-hooooh, will he get his. Watch that space! "He times his phonecalls to be irritating. Swat Narx Do. YUP!!! I decided to just block his number at this point." I like how no-messing-about/ruthless you can be....no wringing your hands in guilt for months and months before you One-Two-Three, Jump. Honestly, you have the makings of a fantastic Narc-slayer. (Just saying :).) I like how you trust your Captain Kirk and what he's trying to tell you, via feelings without having to get anything more than a nod of agreement from your Spock. (Mum's influence again. :)) PS: What with her influence - do you think one could possibly describe you as sort-of Metro-sexual? (Not talking looks and liking moisturizer... I mean, for example, you get on as equally well with women as men, have strong female friendships too? Noted that you bent over quite backwards to help your down mate.) ""Oh, and wifeypoo-poos is trying to (don't laugh) ISOLATE him! By being rude and sadistic to you...kicking you EXTREMELY VIOLENTLY, NOTE, when you were really DOWN, NOTE, you'll feel even less like continuing going. See it? "Yeah, this is exactly why I don't like her. Not the first time she's said something that rubbed the wrong way and she has a bad habbit of doing that. No wonder her own children (from a previous marriage) won't talk to her!"" She doesn't like kids. And more to the point, they don't like her. And she's been trying to get rid of his kid (you). No kids (truth-speakers!) allowed. BINGO! So I'm right, then. He thinks she's his next victim but actually, he's hers. Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh... oh, defo watch that space. "Nah. It was your last-ditch attempt to put paid to the suspicion - undoubtedly thanks to 'broken-record' claiming on his part - that's it's not him, it's the world and everyone in it, holding him back from success, blah-blah-blah." "EXACTLY!!"" (Yup. Spath.) "Did she have money? "She was rich before she met and married him. I'm not sure how well-off she is now but I know she suffered a lot financially and kind of blamed on on the economy, which is kind of true I suppose."" Yes, then... but not so much post Brexit/Covid etc., etc..... But still a lot more than him, including, enough to support him so that he doesn't have to use his wasted talent and go to work like "his inferior beings" (soooo deluded!) (he doesn't give a shite about it, doesn't appreciate aesthetics, they're not important - he's too far gone...he just wants dosh, now-now-now!) ""Oh, yeah, you'd be humiliation-on-legs to him AND her(it), you would." "Sure seems like it. It feels so weird and childish to me that he goes and tells mom some sob story, then just makes up excuses for his own bad behavior."" That's because it is. Childish. And Weird. Especially at HIS on-paper, mature age! "....until the Sugar Mummy wakes up and spits him out. I don't know, I get the feeling his wife enjoys keeping him as a pet or something now. She was more attentive and caring towards him than I expected when I saw them on my trip a few months ago. "Attentive" and "caring" were definitely not words I'd usually use to describe her." THAT'S BECAUSE YOU (truth-speaker, defender) WERE THERE and she doesn't want you knowing how she's begun - or plans soon to start - to treat him whenever you're not. I'm betting you'd defend him just on the basis that she were the one clearly in the wrong in that particular instance. Am I right? Didn't he treat your mother like his Sugar-Mummy? But anyway, there are easier pets, eh. Prepare to laugh your face off, however, if this is indeed one of those times when you get TWO cases of mis-identification happening! Still, as I say, the female's deadlier. Or she might outrank him by far (she was definitely incredibly matter-of-factly, verbally sadistic that time, right?)...she could be a full-blown female psychopath. I mean, I notice you didn't get the Spath response of the woman pretending to advocate for her husband against you (e.g. ringing you) for having lost his pictures-blah-blah, right? She clearly couldn't give one. And yet sooo attentive, to an extent you'd never seeeen befoooore.... Curiouser and curiouser, said Alice. Not adding-up, right? Watch that space and see if he becomes her lackey. Now wouldn't that be Just Desserts. ""He'll have spent it already or have it in some account that's secret from her (while he gets richer off of her whenever he feels like doing a day's work once in a while that she never knows about, anyway). They ALL 'blame' a trust fund and then you find out it was ollox. He sent you a bit of his/her cash to strengthen that illusion." "That sounds JUST LIKE him too!"" "Wowwww, no waaay!" haha. NO. He sounds just like a (malig.) Narc (-Sociopath). He's not like "a person". He doesn't have a personality because he was too busy changing his every 5 mins (chameleons - change their dress style, music taste, to-suit the next victim - google Narcissistic Mirroring). ""Does your Mum know about the inheritance money? What does she reckon? "She does, and she reminds me of it every once in a while. Whether or not he still has it, who knows? He claims to but you're right. I really wouldn't put it past him to "dip into it" for various reasons, especially between jobs. Last I heard, he was working a part-time dead end minimum-wage job and I wondered how he could possibly be making enough money to live the way he does... assuming his wife isn't just supporting him, which she probably is." I don't know what she does now but she used to do a lot of real-estate stuff. She owned a few houses and condos before she met him but last I heard she had sold them all."" Yes, but if she's a female N-Spath or N-Psycho, she's not a Sugar-Mummy per se. She's using it - briefly! - to get him too dependent on him to leave, once she starts torturing him. Or just using him as a "shop window" to disguise her real self/lifestyle. She'll take on the money side of things until he no longer knows how - or how to even access it! Or just keep PAYING in the form of Supporting her little Toilet or smoke-screen of respectability on-legs (a normal married woman...nothing to see here, folks). And that now fits with what in this scenario is our definitive piece of evidence/jigsaw puzzle. She doesn't want you around. HE, meanwhile, is trying to get you to stay all the time ALL THE TIME....nag-nag-nag. He didn't want your help with making money. He wanted your help with - and before you get sentimental, remember he lacks NT motivations - so it's, wants your help, not for defending him against her but helping him get the permanent upper hand over her. Get out of their disgusting marriage, I would...you're nobody's domination tool. Now add the fact SHE is the one that's doing the telling - to you - YOU (and obvs him) - that HER wealth - *HER* wealth, not 'their'! - was ("oh, no!") ....REDUCED 'due to the economic climate'. Oh yeah?...then how come she wasn't keen on mediating or even helping you to help his business take a proper hold, finally? FUNNY, THAT! Case Solved. Seen it all too many times before, anyway. He'll have cardboard in the bottoms of his shoes next time you see him....and teeth that need doing....he'll look like shit...including skinner. 'Can`t be helped - wife says we're stretched'. Nope. Wife isn't willing to pay more than the too-little she can get away with for a window-dressing dummy. Most it'll be like for him is, a half-starved pigeon under her 5-star restaurant table. One last flourish: if you're normal or even just a benign Narc and you want and expect to be with someone long-term, presumably at their ages, for-life, you make damn sure you get on genuinely with their kid, DON'T YOU! (Did you spot those pieces didn't fit with each other - even in the back of your mind?) "I don't feel like I really deserve as much praise as you've been giving me," Well, I don't care if you think that? (*shrug*) You've been distracted FOR YEARS by him and his crap and legacy. You, like all kids given adult mental-emotinoal workloads before-time, probably have the same opinion about yourself from back when you were 12 or something. You'll need to catch up. Staying away from him will speed up your updated appraisal. "but you're right about far too many things here." Yes, including that. (See how that works?...hahahahahah - shaaadap and take genuine observational compliments, can'tcha? Or do you want to feel Awks for the rest of your days?) (PS: Doesn't your mum point out your good points to you?) "The more I think about it, the less I actually want this man in my life at all." Yeah, I knew you were at the cliff-edge. You're right on-script (the target's). "It feels so weird to me that he'd go crying to my mom" Why? She's his secret first mummy, and once their mummy, you're their mummy for-life (they decide...cuckoo...). You're the cuter, younger brother....myyyyeeeah...seethe-seethe...YOU?...help him? - help HIM?!....How verray dare you, you Inferior little brat, don't you know he's so much cleverer than you, he doesn't even NEED to go out to work every day like normal sappy (healthy and pro-social) people? He's evil. Don't you know that makes him a genius?.... and you a pussy? And so on. (And then you and everyone wonders why spouses who stick around too long can go almost as mad as them.) "but then if I give him any attention he behaves the way he does. He claims to be enjoying our conversations but I question whether or not he's aware that his own face is visible in these calls and I can clearly tell when he gets bored." New data! And what does he reply? (PS does he do anything disgusting like pick his nose?) What he's enjoying is the attention and the fact YOU bond that bit more during these convos - even just by ego-engagement (infurating you until you feel like a fight). Just keeping you in his zone for when he needs you to (don't laugh) ally up with him against her. "Even without the visual aid, some of his rude behavior still hints that these conversations aren't as stimulating to him as he claims." Wait a minute - is that a yes to the nose-picking? "It also feels weird that he'd tell mom he "still wants a relationship with me" but treats me like garbage for even trying to do anything nice for him and his behavior with me feels so disrespectful, especially in hindsight, like when he tries to guilt-trip me into visiting him after I already said I didn't feel comfortable traveling." Again. Because that wasn't the kind of help he's trying to position you for. You got ideas of your own. He had to go along with it...until he could manipulate the somewhat sabotaging of it. He doesn't want you initiating like a boss. He wants you doing as HE wants to do with you when the time comes, and you GAGGING to be on his side against her because, surely, SURELY, if you please him to THAT degree, finally he will realise he loves you. That's how HE sees it and sees that you'd see it. (WrrrrrrrrONGGGGGG. He's got crap people judgement, hasn't he, for a Spath. Yep, he's Low-Functional alright.) "Something that definitely sticks out like a sour thumb, now that I really think back on it, is how he used to treat me whenever we both visited my grandparents when I was a kid. He always behaved like he was absolutely furious with me and once it got to the poing where he pinned me against the wall and almost punched me in the face." WHAT THE UUUUUUUUUUUUCK?! (Yet another bloody confirmer.) "That particular incident sticks out very strongly because I was only about 16 at the time." I'll bloody bet! (And that'll be the event that stopped you from having the time and space to 'monitor' your progress since, I'll bet.) "I was out with some of my cousins having a good time and all the sudden he shows up, absolutely livid with me and forced me to come back to my grandparents condo with him. He claimed that grandma wanted me back but when I got there, neither of my grandparents were even expecting me back. I tried asking my grandma, she said she had no idea what I was talking about my dad angrily kept talking over her until I pointed at him and shouted at him to stop. That's when he pinned me against the wall like that. To this day, he has NEVER properly explain what the hell that was all about. Even when we did talk about it, he didn't really give me a straight answer. It got so bad that I wouldn't even travel with him anywhere after that, so no surprise that I don't want to travel to visit him." He's vile. He didn't want you happy and relaxed with them because you might eventually have felt confident and brave enough to have confided in them about what a nasty piece of work he really was. Same as when he tried to scare/freak-out off your down friend up there. Narc bullied first isolate their victim...either (via myriad ways) remove the victim from the supportive herd/herd-members or vice-versa (like behaving badly when your victim's rellies or in your case, friends and allies visit). If he'd explained - told the truth - e.g. Truth Serum . you'd have dumped his arse for-life right there and then and never, ever caved in...as in, dead to you from then on. Think about it. The truth was abnormal, heinous, unconscionable, downright mad, bad AND dangerous...that's your Spath-Narc/Narc-Spath. No WAY are they going to come clean with you! In order to work him out - and piss-easily, on-the-spot most times - you have to stop judging him by the Neurotypical User Manual and study up on the Narc and Narc-Spath (and Psycho, re 'step-thing'). Then you'll know exactly why he did, does and will do...everything. You'll even be able to predict what he'll do in the coming weeks, months, years, via extrapolation. Always, always, always have someone(s) to share your fears, suspicions and misgivings with, and don't ever be ashamed or shy of being human and having feelings and sensitivities as well as muscle and bravery. It's how real men are supposed to be. And women are supposed to be more masculine minded than they are, too, actually. Hence "the merger" is happening. Take Prince Harry (you heard he was all along in the right, I take it?)

Issues reconnecting with my father

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"His birthday was last weekend and I didn't call because I still don't feel like I could talk to him without getting really angry." That is very sensible and self-respectful of you. Indeed. We do not reward bad or toxic behaviour, let alone pervasive patterns of such. But we do reward people for good and sensible behaviour. So I suggest you use the money you'd have spent on him, normally, and either buy something for yourself or buy yourself a warm glow and gift your mum with something. Soooo many women beg them back or accept them back, you've no idea. Your mum saved you from a truly horrid home life and beyond. Because the little-known fact is this: malignant narcs, all types, only fake-dump. It takes A N Other primed in the wings for them to jump to before they'll dump the wife (and even that's just for a while until they need that She-tool again for some reason). Only the victim can end it. And then keep it ended. She dumped him, trust me. Just not the conventional way. Still would have 'half-killed' her. Appreciate what I'm saying? PS: How's your mum's life and love-life been since he 'left' when you were 3?

Issues reconnecting with my father

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PPS: Actual Personality-disordered Narcs don't do apologies. Either they do literally anything (word-salad, "DARVO" (google), flouncing, Silent-Treatment, lying, getting others to lie for them, etc.) to avoid having to say the S word or they say the words without meaning them, just to shut you up. They refuse to apologise for this very simple reason: Because they want to - indeed, fully-intend on - doing it again. And again.... Aaaand again.... Until you stop them. By getting out of their crosshairs and staying out of them. Then they have a dire need for another "Primary Supply" come secret Toilet (and in your dud's case - Punching-Bag). They literally - no, I mean, LITERALLY - cannot be ignored. Their ego is too puny and ill. The triggering them of their Fear Of Abandonment (it's alright if they do it to you, though) (giant hypocrites) sends them mental(er). They can't/don't self-regulate at the best of times, but - BEING IGNORED?! He might start showing his arse to other people in his circle...that's usually what happens. Or her (uh-oh, haha). Ever seen Fatal Attraction, starring Glenn Close and Michael Douglas? .....'I'm not gonna just let you IGNORE ME, DAN!' (EEE-EEEE-EEE!) Spot on. Fear of being rejected, actually...not least because of what it says to others and Spaths can't scam those close to them unless people keep believing they're GREAT guys, really trustworthy. He probably moved out of state because somemone was about to blow the lid on him and/or he was being chased, by even nastier types, for money he owed or had stolen/scammed. Good job you're not in the same state. ...oh, look. turns out he inadvertently did you a favour! :)

Issues reconnecting with my father

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(As said - I'm copying over what you said to Mapleleaf's on her thread - "Social Anxiety - Anyone else experiencing it?" - as it's connected. Just for Reference, as my reply to you (and Maple and Thea) is over there; just click this link: https://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/13562/Social-anxiety--anyone-else-experiencing-it "I definitely have social anxiety myself too. I don't really have much of a social life and only a small group of friends who all seem to have drifted apart over the years. It's really hard for me to really be social. Like, I don't seem to meet new people very often, I hate large crowds and avoid them like the plague (even before covid), and even online it seems I have some trouble. I've made a few friends online too but again, don't really hear from them very often anymore. I sort of know where my social anxiety comes from, it has to do with a handful of negative experiences in my early teens but I do feel like I've somewhat outgrown a lot of that so I'm not really sure why I'm still so socially awkward and closed off. I don't mean to be, it just seems to be part of who I am now. It's kind of a mixed blessing that I have my own office at work, hardly ever have to work with anyone and although I do live with family we live kind of secluded so I still tend to spend a lot of time alone (mostly by choice). Most of my coworkers kind of get this about me I think. I'm on pretty good terms with everyone at work too but even at work I avoid crowds and spend as little time as possible around people. It's only in extremely social situations (like, if I'm around more than 3 or 4 people at a time) do I feel anxious and that's normally the only time I feel any kind of anxiety.") ________________________

Issues reconnecting with my father

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Hey Fangtall - are we done (and you, happily flying solo, now) or do have any update(s)?

Issues reconnecting with my father

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Sorry, been kind of busy lately. I still need to catch up. We haven't talked even on either of our birthdays. Last I heard he was really upset I wasn't talking to him but it feels really off to me that he's so focused on whining about this to everyone else, trying to convince them he wants a relationship with me but when he actually has one, he doesn't care.

Issues reconnecting with my father

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Well that's good if you've been busy! :) Doubly good about the birthdays because they do so love to spoil those for their "loved"-ones. She must be keeping him busy, eh! :D I mean, if zero peep out of his son on his birthday wouldn't represent a ruddy great Green light for Cruella - I don't know WHAT would! Let the games commence. (Have you got any means of taking the odd peek once a month or so?) "Last I heard he was really upset I wasn't talking to him but it feels really off to me that he's so focused on whining about this to everyone else, trying to convince them he wants a relationship with me but when he actually has one, he doesn't care." Yes. And not only that - but as any genuine adult knows: if you've (even ALLOWED a situation to deteriorate to where you've) fallen out with your kid - as the ETERNAL ADULT FIGURE - you, the PARENT - are the one to approach with the Olive Branch so as to open up talks. Or you give them time but reassurance in the meantime ("I appreciate you're angry at me, I'll give you a bit space - I could probably do with a bit, too - but I still love you loads and am still here for you day or night...I'm still your dad/mum, so ring me if you need anything, doesn't mean we have to have a debrief yet...when you're ready xxxxxxxxx...") It's your bloody role duty AND PRIVILEGE. You don't ever STOP being a role-model to your kids, jeez...kids are not just for Xmas. At this point in your life, you can see he's your much younger brother now, yeah? "Whaaah, Mummyyyy - he punched me!" ("Yes, to nake you cease holding a live cigarette to my face, you evil, slimy basstd!") He is or is doing Covert Vulnerable - PRETENDING to feel hard-done-by. Trying to cash in on it, use it as a sodding, screeching violin so that people will chuck money at him, quick - anything to make him stop that racket! Plus, he needs the constant attention. He's kind of like a soap-operate type of WOMAN, really, isn't he. I reckon he's copying what his mum was like (but genuinely) after a pasting from his dad. A 'grown man' WHINGING LIKE A CLUELESS, HELPLESS CHILD that HIS CHILD, HIS BABY isn't talking to him and dign't witth him Happy Birfdaaay, mew-mew-mew-meeew. Shiiiit, maaan?! Send him a belated pressie - go on. A My Little Pony. Or a Toys R Us-style, miniature, plastic violin (heheheheh). (Or is that just me?! LOL) But that last sentance contains the crux, doesn't it: "DEFINE 'RELATIONSHIP' PAPA!" (...short for pathological-pathological) What the hell was his father (and mother) like?!

Issues reconnecting with my father

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He's not a Father. He's not an Adult Male. He's not sane enough to achieve *anything* with. If you want to keep touch with him OCCASONALLY, you'll have to picture him as he really is: your crippled and dribbling, Calipre.ed, but mostly wheelchair-bound, significantly retarded/dementia-ed (plus severely locked-in-angry-and-bitter) brother-ish....distanty relativey thingy....distant cousin (there it is).... You'd have to humour him a lot, constantly re-remind him, let his gobbledeegook go in one ear and straight out of the other.... And push him round in his wheelchair whenever he downed arms/had a tantrum/sulk in the middle of the High Street... And 'wipe his bottom'. Is that even just an analogy because, psychologically-speaking - it effing fits, doesn't it?! His parents or whomever, did an effing good number on him, didn't they, eh? What a waste of artistic talent. Soooo frsutrating, isn't it. You feel (for a while anyway) like Adele: "We could have had it all". You couldn't, actually. The Potential is so far down the abyss, not even specialist engineering equipment could reach it. But never mind because - Houston, we have a first on here! We're going to vicarously see a Covert-Narc-Spath get utterly pulverised by a FEMALE(!!) Spath or quite possibly Psychopath. Woa-ho-ho-ho-hoooooooh. (Who-s going to get the Popcorn in?) Don't you go anywhere (permanently), Fangs. This I WANT TO SEE. He did FAR worse than that nearly hitting you thing, didn't he. He must have. His punishment is....well, the worst, basically. Narc-Spaths are no match for bad Narc-Psychos. Only healthy, Empathic Psychos are (e.g. Firemen). Like Pulverises Like. But the healthy, fit one is much stronger, faster, cleverer. I'm right. He's going down. SOMEWHERE inside of you, my impressive laddie - you had to have FORESEEN the Green Light in your failure to act on his birthday of all days. It's hardly socket-science as a subtle consequence, is it....not after everything I'd just told and explained for you. (Show-Off ;p)

Issues reconnecting with my father

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Here - I've just found him for you! Andy and Lou (but you're not like Andy, your empathy doesn't steam-up your intellectual windscreen, so to speak, you see just fine)... Meet Andy. He is a cripple, nut no in the physical sense. See? His crippled-ness shows up in his insistence on playing Andy for a fool so that he can be LAZY and rely on the hard work of all other people (master-slave) and yet ultimately, he ruins his own days, his own quality of life.... Idiota! But this is hysterical and might be extra hysterical for the recognition and relief wave it unleashes so - make sure you've had a wee first, and no watching while holding or sipping hot coffee! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g2Mo724joyc It's him, isn't it! :D

Issues reconnecting with my father

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(Sorry, I meant you're not like Lou. Andy's the cripple. Lou's the Carer-Rescuer-Enabler with the patience of a saint.)

Issues reconnecting with my father

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No - I've got it! Send him a Dummy (Pacifier)! Anonymously! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Issues reconnecting with my father

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And your "step-mama" (short for maniac-maniac)... " https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KrFBBCFrKaY"

Issues reconnecting with my father

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It gets bitchier: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nNBU1sndPmk

Issues reconnecting with my father

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Late outcoming data alert!!! What with the noticeable lull on the board this week, I've had time to think more deeply, and had a giant Ping! Kicking myself for not having joined these dots last time! Never mind, better late than never (there's no time-pressure). Try not to crack any teeth:. And if you need to punch something (out of having been galled too far) then ensure it's a sofa-cushion you punch, not your desk... ""but then if I give him any attention he behaves the way he does. He claims to be enjoying our conversations but I question whether or not he's aware that his own face is visible in these calls and I can clearly tell when he gets bored." "New data! And what does he reply? (PS does he do anything disgusting like pick his nose?) What he's enjoying is the attention and the fact YOU bond that bit more during these convos - even just by ego-engagement (infurating you until you feel like a fight). Just keeping you in his zone for when he needs you to (don't laugh) ally up with him against her."" He's trying slime hiw way back into your mother's heart....GETTING TO HER THROUGH THE MUMMY DOOR. (Your mum must have a huge nurturing instinct and appetite if he's this confident (arrogant) it could work!).... "Muum? He's been MEAN to me ('little boy cute but helpless face script')...he phones her to prove how hurt you've made him....so bad he needs mummy's help! That's how mean you were! Whether she'd believe him or not - doesn't matter. All that matters is that he obviously knows that going MEW-MEW-MUMMYYYY *MAKES HER SOFTEN ^TOWARDS HIM*. He's doing the Pity Me Mummy ploy as his wooing technique - this then is how he love-bombed her in the beginning, FYI!....SO THAT....IF his campaign to dominate his 2nd 'wife' fails....and she naturally chucks him out......HE CAN CALL PRE-WARMED-UP MUMMY WHO'LL FEEL SHE CAN'T POSSIBLY TURN POOR WICKLE HOMEWESS *BOY* . little Tiny bloody Tim there! - away. Doesn't matter if your mum saw through it and just tolerated the phonecall. This is about what HE thinks will or could happen. Christ, he's manipulative. He is a really well-disguised GIANT ONE. He is DEFINITELY a once-Covert Narc, into Covert-Vulnerable Narc, nowadays giant Allverts Narc-Spath. Notice how there's been all this noise and chaos going on above your table that we've been focusing on (think almost-rabid Bull)? Because there was TOO MUCH, with too much to it? And NOW look at how slimy, smoothly (think snake) Covert-Narcissistic ILLUSIONIST he's being UNDERNEATH your table? Narc-Spath: Allverts. Mix 'n Match. Cocktails. Silent-but-deadly, actual planning and plotting a whole beeping screenplay. He PRETENDS to be a stupid, immature delinquent. And doesn't he do it well. Fangs..... I feel for you and your mum and everything the two of you have been put through. This one definitely has ZERO shame. With No Limits. He would do ANYTHING to keep his bread buttered...sell his own granny. No compunction - nothing. REALLY doesn't care - a-bout a-ny-one. Just trampling agonisingly, even cripplingly, over the backs of other normal, decent, people (empaths). If your mother was taken in even just a smidgen - please put her straight, let her know what he is up to...planning and plotting you trying to soften and shape her, in preparation for. (PS: Didn't she herself wonder why he'd 'run to her'?) So - was she? If you're not sure: what was her disposition when reporting back to you (itself a good sign) that Dud had called and how he was during that whole, ridiculously childish topic? No need to panic, though. I know loads of ways you can get him opting to give her (and you) a very wide berth in future. But anyway. You might want to google NPD - Dark Triad (or Tetrad now) Machievellianism. I'll start you off with some snippets... "The theory of the dark triad recognizes specific characteristics associated with each personality trait. Thus, Machiavellianism is marked by a tendency toward manipulative behaviour, narcissism by excessive self-importance and grandiosity, and psychopathy by callousness, impulsiveness, and thrill seeking." But it's not SPONTANEOUS, OPPORTUNISTIC manipulation. It, as I indicate, involves sitting and plotting. He is still stupid by normal-healthy-person standards, though. So as I say, I can tell you how to block him - without him even realising you had anything to do with it and putting it down to bad luck on his part. Interestingly, though - this backs up my suspicion that she is deadlier (and cooler-, cleverer-thinking) than him. And that even he himself is starting to wonder/suspect. Hence trying to forward-prepare himself a human safety-net in terms of somewhere to live (for cheaper or zero rent) and someone to do all of, what should be, his adult chores FOR him. Important questions: You've left home, right? How long ago did you move out? Have you been seeing less of your mum too, what with your new job?

Issues reconnecting with my father

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That read-out woke me up, it did! ...PING!....."Eureka!". Going back to bed now...

Issues reconnecting with my father

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...In a tick. Need to know: Why is your Mum even TAKING his calls any more? Since you're over 18, now, why would any contact need to exist? Is she lonely? Enough to be desperate to have someone-anyone to talk to, even if they talk utter sh*t?

Issues reconnecting with my father

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If you've left her wide-open, you'd better get back to base camp quick sharpish! No WONDER he insisted on so many calls with you. It howevermuch deprived you of the time you could have spent on your MUM, INSTEAD! Get it? He manoeuvred you away from your mum. To give him a chance to get at her all over again. Because suddenly, he needs to use her again. Quick - call her! Fill that gap as well as you possibly can! Foie gras her with texts and phonecalls (relative to the amount you'd spend before this, I mean) if that's what it takes. SQUEEZE HIM BACK OUT AND AWAY AGAIN. And SINCE your mother is still tasty to him, that means she's still tasty to Narcs full-stop. I don't think it's a good idea to ever again leave her that alone for that long, okay? You're her only protector. You're much savvier and braver than her, as well (auto upgrade). You iz Da Man now. Jeez. That was close. If you don't have time to reply, just post me one sentance so I know you've seen this.

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In fact, he would have been doing "2 for the price of 1". Buttering you up, enough that you'd not see him homeless WHILST keeping you too busy to be around to know what he was up to with Mum. If you said no, shove-off - Mum would be warmed enough to (more likely) say, Okayyy then...but just for a few weeeeeks..... Cue five years later and he's still refusing to move out. (Well, that's hiw PLAN, if his takeover campaign fails, anyway.)

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So now you see why he wasn't actually interested in you or anything you had to say, despite seemingly doing the actions that said he WAS interested in you. It's so obvious, now, isn't it. Let's squish that dangerous social predator-parasite parading as a human-being. Yeah? You up for it? Say the word. He's a ruinous, blood-sucking monster-sized Deer Tick, riddled with Lymes Disease. He's not anyone's father or husband or anything. He's severely psychologically damaged. It's SOCIO-pathic, though. So you don't have to worry, you aren't carrying subversive genes just waiting to activate in your offspring, or anything. He was "socially misshapen" (steamroller-ed and beaten) into that grotesque shape. Underneath all of that, his genes would be perfectly okay. Fine as a Sperm Donor, IOW. God. It's so sad yet so repulsive at the same time, isn't it? (((((((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))))))))))))

Issues reconnecting with my father

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Tsk. Sorry, but this is not quite correct (its from Britannica), so it's bothering me... "The theory of the dark triad recognizes specific characteristics associated with each personality trait. Thus, Machiavellianism is marked by a tendency toward manipulative behaviour, narcissism by excessive self-importance and grandiosity, and psychopathy by callousness, impulsiveness, and thrill seeking." Mmanipulativeness is manipulativeness. It's done improv or is a fleeting, short-lived agenda (like, avoiding being blamed). Machievellianism takes Manipulation to a whole new level. As I say: actual stageplay production, a scipt written for every character in their immediate environment whom could affect the outcome of his nefarious agenda. Producer-Director-level. (He started VERY YOUNG.) This is Crooksville...the M.O. actual criminal scammers use. See the difference? But it means, he's so well-practised he may as WELL be a psychopath. Were it not for his hot head and shorter-running extrapolatory skill-ettes. Meaning, up against her - he's just a spath. While I'm here: also note whom out of the two of them - he and Cruella - was the CALLOUS one. Yyyup. That was her. Cool and callous. Saying something highly injurious with the same sort of bloody tone one would use to ask you - So do you want chips n peas with your steak? So like being sliced into with a very sharp knife as opposed to punched and kicked. Am I right? And did she seem almost smug and silently victorious for it as well? I'll no doubt have more after-Pings occurring tomorrow...just to warn...since this has opened up a whole new can of worms. PS: Try to find out how often and for how long he's been phoning her - and when it started (or if it somehow just never stopped, since he first left).

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OMG... Your father wanted that Fakebook site, merely as WINDOW DRESSING... a respectful shopfront that made HIM look respectable. (No wonder he got angry and antagonistic about it...was wholly ungrateful....You were trying to make him actually USE it...RUN it. (Wow. You must ne very persuasive and extremely hard to argue against! Cool.) In reality, the reason he doesn't need to make money off of his fake online sop, is because this man's REAL, ACTUAL job is: A SCAMMER. Oh my effing god. (Sorry.)

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You burnt down his "Mask (shop) Of Respectability". Haha. HAHA! Oh my god. I wonder what disguise he's hiding and laying low behind NOW? See if you can find out? Sh*t, your dad's an actual criminal. STAY AWAY FROM HIM (AND HER). This is one of those "no honour amongst thieves" situations. You do not want to get in their crosshairs or crossfire. Nor your mum. Keep that man WELL AWAY from you both - I mean it. We don't need proximity to squish him.

Issues reconnecting with my father

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This is EXACTLY how Lily31's Auntie got targetted, btw. You must read that episode. As you'll see, Lily's whole fam - like some expert special ops unit - literally telepathically played synchronised "seeing him off". EVEN THE LITTLE KIDS JOINED IN. It was incredible. I reckon he'd have gone into Narc Collapse that night. And there was no feeling sorry for him, either, because he so brought it all on himself. Underestimated them, didn't he, ol' Von Crap. And he controlled and needled his own daughter and her kids, as well. AND had tacitly allied-up with his disgusting, bully of a step-son (who tried to come on to Lily to make her too awkward not to sod-off and leave his ex-wife alone) (she didn't...honestly, you haven't seen such intelligent bravery in a kid so young before...AND that could take taking the initiative (in unexpected scenarios) to such a genius level as she did...started her own company at sodding piddly 19, no less!). Anyway, the family rectified the situation (took turns to phone her more, visited her and gave him the Evils, etc...her little sister was amazing, btw..in fact, her brother, too...lovely kids.), giving Auntie the perfect means for seeing HOW disgusting he was, in-comparison to them, AND was meanwhile worsening into (the comparison via contact with HEALTHY people, those she could trust). Do your mum and you have any relatives?

Issues reconnecting with my father

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Haha. Told myself a joke just now... Was thinking, Now that you've "set the hounds" on him, maybe your next thread should be entitled - Having Issues Reconnecting My Father. (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!) (sorry) (not really) (it was too funny, had to be birthed) ("...the shin-bone's co-nnected-to-the...leg-bone...The leg-bone's co-nnected-to-the...hip-bone..." :DDDD) Cooooome on you - stop leaving us in the dark. My popcorn's going stale.

Issues reconnecting with my father

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Hey, Fangtall! Are we done?

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