What does it mean when...

My boyfriend's had quite a few one-night (to a few week) stands in his past. He's a great guy overall, but there's this one thing that bothers me (and we've talked about it, but it still persists).. I have access to his FB search history (he doesn't know) and what I see there is him looking up his exes, his one-timers and just random girls with big boobs, nearly every day. If we're apart for longer, so is the list of profiles he's visited. What he does while looking at their pictures, you can imagine. Quite the "hands on" experience.. I know that he masturbates to their pictures, possibly remembering their time together, and that makes me upset, to say the least. I don't recall how exactly I asked him about it, but he did admit he does that and then said that he has no interest to do anything sexual with them. That's the part I do not understand - if he wants to jack off when I'm not around, he could look at porn. Simple. But he does that weird twisted profile search.. I've asked him: why look at pictures of women you know, you could have my pictures.. His answer was that it's just how he is, it doesn't mean anything and when "he's done", he has no interest for it anymore. Until the next day, or even a few hours later (my observation). I'm just worried if that may be some kind of addiction or a form of cheating. He doesn't seem to care for the way I feel about this particular thing, he's even said it's a fetish of his.. He's said he's done the same in his previous relationship, but now I see him searching for his ex's profile. Is there anything I could do, considering breaking up is not an option and he doesn't want to quit doing that.

Sorry for the wait - respondents (all voluntary) are thin on the ground at the mo. Please bear with us? :)

Hi Cassiopeia, "My boyfriend's had quite a few one-night (to a few week) stands in his past. He's a great guy overall," Contradiction in terms, sorry. No-one who uses women as free-of-charge prostitutes is a great guy overall. This should have been your first Red Flag....Although, reading that, I'm sure there are more to come (I don't read ahead). "but there's this one thing that bothers me (and we've talked about it, but it still persists).. I have access to his FB search history (he doesn't know)" What made you do that and how come he doesn't know? (No judgement - straight question.) "and what I see there is him looking up his exes" Okay, I've heard enough already. Narcissistic. "his one-timers and just random girls with big boobs, nearly every day. If we're apart for longer, so is the list of profiles he's visited. What he does while looking at their pictures, you can imagine. Quite the "hands on" experience.. I know that he masturbates to their pictures, possibly remembering their time together," Their TIME together? He doesn't give a SH*T about their TIME together. Just the sex he has ON them, THROUGH them. He has zero respect for himself, let alone any for women. And in this day-and-age, he's taking HUGE risks with his AND your health (symptomatic TICK!). "and that makes me upset, to say the least." No sh*t, Sherlock!? (LOL) Gimmie me the gun and I'll shoot him RIGHT NOW for you! With a Silver Bullet. (Sexual (and the rest) Vampire) "I don't recall how exactly I asked him about it, but he did admit he does that and then said that he has no interest to do anything sexual with them." OLD CHESTNUT RESPONSE (tick!). Also - define "with them". (This using words this vaguely and cleverly suggests Covert Narc, and is Gaslighting (tick!).) That aside, ANOTHER gain is that it shreds your confidence. He wants you so broken down you no longer have what it takes to dump and run. Well,...just look at the trouble so many of his exes are having. NUFF SAID - that's a Gotcha - I've GOTTIM already. Case closed. "That's the part I do not understand" Because you're viewing him, like all still-victims, through the Normal Bloke in Bad Phase lens. Read up on Covert Narcissism in terms of WHY they this/that. (Answer: because it's Abusive and they can only feel okay by making their victim miserable and completely reliant on them on all levels.) " - if he wants to jack off when I'm not around, he could look at porn. Simple." Again - the porn star couldn't suddenly "take him off you" (OH, PLEASE DO, ANY OF YOU!). Whether he "is" or is "emulating and acting like" a Covert Narc - who cares. The fact is: you are being subjected to chronic Narcissistic Abuse - End Of. "But he does that weird twisted profile search.. I've asked him: why look at pictures of women you know, you could have my pictures.. His answer was that it's just how he is, it doesn't mean anything and when "he's done", he has no interest for it anymore. Until the next day, or even a few hours later (my observation)." Excuse me for a sec...I just want a quick, quiet word in his shelllike... IF YOU WANNA DO THAT - GET TO BEHAVE (TWISTED) SINGLE - YOU TW*T-IN-THE-HAT, THEN BE BLOODY SINGLE! *THAT* IS THE WHOLE POINT, MR THICKIE-TRICKY FROM PUNCHVILLE!...not how YOU AND ONLY YOU FEEL ABOUT IT!) (...but he knows this already - get that through your head and fast). "I'm just worried if that may be some kind of addiction or a form of cheating. He doesn't seem to care for the way I feel about this particular thing," Yeah, well, for that, you need to like and respect women and be capable of loving someone, having bonded with someone, whereby naturally that creates never wanting to hurt them. Oh, and that little thing called, working Empathy (emotional as well as (twisted) cognitive). Clearly, in HIS case - "Computer says No...". "he's even said it's a fetish of his.." ((Oh, eff-off, Pinocchio PiNokia)) "He's said he's done the same in his previous relationship, but now I see him searching for his ex's profile. Is there anything I could do, considering breaking up is not an option and he doesn't want to quit doing that." Breaking-up is not an option? Que? Explicas, por favor?

PS: Standard Covert form of denial: "I admit to my fault and - that'll do. I ain't gonna change it as well. But I don't mind if meantime that admission gives you hope that I'm willing to take the next step of DOING something about it, even if just to save my 'relationship'. I don't need you, I've got a whole Black Book of them...plenty where you came from, you're nothing special anyway." ((Then why not simply let the 'mere' one woman who DOES hugely object to it, go?! I KNOW why. GOTCHA AGAIN, YA CHEATING BSTD CREEP-FEATURES!)) You must be MORTIFIED. AND furious! I know I am and I'm not the one who has to live with him!

Hi CASSIOPEIA, I read your post. First, I must say, it is very well written describing the problem. Take compliments for that :) . I'm not sure if I agree with SOULMATE's response on this one. I just skimmed through her/his responses and not sure if we should think extreme like the boyfriend must be narcisist or cheating. When you say you don't have an option to breakup that means you really care for this guy I assume and willing to take steps to correct his behavior. We humans are filled with good and bad, everyone has it to some degrees. It is your acceptance and focus on those qualities make your relationship work. Masturbation / sex is as natural as other bodily functions. Everyone has different tick when it comes to sex. As we can 'control' our other bodily functions so as this one should be done too. Anyways, I guess your problem is not about his masturbation but him doing that with photos of his Ex's. I can totally get that you must be feeling very insecure or jealous. It is completely natural and it just shows that you care about this relationship. You talking to him revealed that looking at Ex's photos or profiles during masturbation does not mean much to him and he uses it only as a tool. It does not mean much after his deed. I would agree with him (from my own experience). Whatever we use to get orgasm (porn, sex tools, pictures, etc) feels totally meaningless later. You would hardly remember the details later. I would suggest you to trust him on this one unless you have other evidences of cheating. Apart from that, distractions may work here. If he allows and if you have access, why not join him in his sessions, to make things better between you two. If it puts him off, why not dress / act like his Ex to get him in the mood? May be play some sex games or distracting him altogether from those pictures to get him in the mood. I'm not saying you should do that often but trying to understand from his point of view may work better. I know it looks like you are putting too much effort in it, but if you value him that much and vice-versa it's worth a try. If he has lost sex appetite with you altogether, then it may be serious and you will need to have a serious talk. That's all from my side. Good Luck and if possible, keep posting the progress.