Lost

I am little confused. These past few weeks have been very confusing and mentally difficult. So, my husband and I have had issues because of his family and because of how he has acted towards me because of this. We have been together for a few years now, things have changed but only because I started to defend myself. We also did couples therapy after we had an argument because of his cousin. But really not a lot change from his part. Our therapist told me how he could never give me what I want or be who I want him to be, due to his own issues and traumas. So I started letting go of the person who I needed him to be. I mourn the version I always wanted. Fast forward, he did a 360. He is now a changed men. He is even telling me that I am beautiful or tries to be romantic. He started listening to some podcast and because of this he learned that he never had boundaries with his own family ect. He told me that he can finally breath with me and feel at peace. This did not make me feel better. And I hate myself for that, because this is what I wanted right? This is were I get confused. I thought about it and it gets mad that strangers in a podcast made him realize this. And now I am the one that cannot breath. But I feel like I should be grateful and just forget the past. But due to his mom and him, I have very low self esteem and this whole 360 makes me feel even worse. Like me alone could not be enough. Somebody else, a complete stranger, told him that he is actually at peace with me. I just feel not good enough. I can't explain my feelings and it just feels like I am the one that doesn't want things to get better. Because I should be happy with his change but I am not.

Apologies for the delay, "Lizbarba". (Deliberately not reading ahead, going in gut-first...) "I am little confused. These past few weeks have been very confusing and mentally difficult. So, my husband and I have had issues because of his family and because of how he has acted towards me because of this. We have been together for a few years now,"... How many years? And how many months/years into the relationship did this trouble begin? But anyway - how he's acted towards you because of this, tells me, NOT PLEASINGLY, not how you'd expect from a husband. (First Scooby Clue) ..."things have changed but only because I started to defend myself." (Ah-hah! Second Scooby Clue) "We also did couples therapy after we had an argument because of his cousin." To make it easier for respondents, could you describe what what happened and how, please - go into as much detail as you can. What I'm picking up on so far is that you have a problem getting him to be loyal & protective towards you, his WIFE. And I'm betting this cousin is female - but, still keeping an open mind... "But really not a lot change from his part." (Third Scooby Clue.) "Our therapist told me how he could never give me what I want or be who I want him to be, due to his own issues and traumas." That's code for, he has N.P.D and therefore won't/can't ever change/improve, least of all for another human being's sake, not even their legal soulmate. (As I suspected...which, FYI, includes how you sound...basically, like an NPD's victim.) "So I started letting go of the person who I needed him to be." What do you call letting go? Dropping all the usual, normal-healthy, marital expectations? Great...smashing... (not)... "I mourn the version I always wanted." I'll bet. Not just the person, either. ALL of it - past, present and future. (Noted that you understate a lot. Who and when trained you to do that, then?) "Fast forward, he did a 360. He is now a changed men. He is even telling me that I am beautiful or tries to be romantic. He started listening to some podcast and because of this he learned that he never had boundaries with his own family ect. He told me that he can finally breath with me and feel at peace." All from some Podcast, eh? Gosh, what an ephiphany...what a miracle (*rolls eyes at Old Chestnut*). And there was your educated, trained, verifiable, REAL-LIFE FACE-TO-FACE counsellor telling you there was no hope! (Curiouser and curiouser, said Alice...) (you can tell who I believe, can't you) (scuse sarcasm but that's what lying, manipulative/Machievellian Narcs do to me). "This did not make me feel better." Me, neither. "And I hate myself for that" I don't. Even if I were you (and I have been), I wouldn't (I'll explain in a tick). ", because this is what I wanted right? This is were I get confused. I thought about it and it gets mad that strangers in a podcast made him realize this." As above - they bloody didn't. He's Gaslighting you. You didn't ask for pretence at a miracle in the form of Insta-change, you asked for genuine change (despite the *genuine* therapist actually planted his/her flag by basically telling you - Ain't gonna happen luv, and if you want to stay with him you're going to have to forget having a normal, loving mariage and lifetime). "And now I am the one that cannot breath." (Giant Scooby Clue...not that we need any more) Try Commando Breathing: Inhale...2...3...4 - Hold...2...3...4 - Exhale...2...3...4. Repeat until anxiety eases. Also, to ease the chest pain (diaphram tension-lock) - Yawn until it becomes a real yawning fit. "But I feel like I should be grateful and just forget the past. But due to his mom and him, I have very low self esteem and this whole 360 makes me feel even worse. Like me alone could not be enough. Somebody else, a complete stranger, told him that he is actually at peace with me. I just feel not good enough. I can't explain my feelings and it just feels like I am the one that doesn't want things to get better. Because I should be happy with his change but I am not." Repeat: it's ollocks. And I'm not surprised, since you sound and are experiencing symptoms of someone having had mucho chunks taken out of them. REGARDING, WHY DON'T I FEEL BETTER: Easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy: You're in Cognitive Dissonance (google), which is what their madness produces in you. No matter with what or how Conscious You tries to convince yourself otherwise - you KNOW he's lying. He also knew your therapist could see through him. This Podcast (pffff) is his attempt not to get fired. You also can tell that, with that the (only logical) case - he's lying behaviourally, too. Putting on the charm and better behaviour. ....WHICH PROVES TO YOU THAT NOT ONLY DID HE ALWAYS KNOW HE WAS BEHAVING AND TREATING YOU INAPPROPRIATELY ALL THE WAY TO ABUSIVELY - THUS KNOWS RIGHT WAY VERSUS WRONG WAY TO TREAT A WIFE/MARRIAGE, BUT THAT WHAT FOLLOWS IS THE FACT THAT ALL THAT PREVIOUS STRUGGLE HE MADE YOU GO THROUGH WAS WHOLLY AVOIDABLE AND UNNECESSARY, AND THEREFORE HE'S A (mentally-emotionally corrupted) SH*THEAD. BANG!, has gone a large portion of your Cognitive Dissonance! This is why I describe them as 'Stupid in a very clever way'. They're howevermuch incapable of considering consequences, let alone planning for ramifications and contingencies. Podcast, my arse. All he's done is learned how to tell you what you want to hear and behave as you want him to behave. Re-"Love-Bombing you" in order to get you re-hooked whereby you lose the confidence of your new-found knowledge to leave him. He doesn't care about you like a normal-healthy can or wants to, but Narcs HHHHHATE when their 'romantic' slave/lackey/scapegoat get 'ideas above their station' and leave the Great Master. THEY will decide when or if ever this fauxlationship ends...which will be when they find a 'better' person (more easily dominated slave, actually). MEANWHILE, KNOWING ("Malignant Narc - predator senses") that you're debating whether to end it - he'll be on the prowl for your replacement (to be the dumper to preserve his deluded status of Master). A Blog would be a good red-herring or mere cover story for justifying screen time, etc., wouldn't it. I expect the only thing you (mostly) now feel towards him is this: "Yoooooooooou.....nasty, nasty little baaaaaars**d". (Or is that just me? LOL) Well, anyway, I hope I've put you straight about you not being enough. Your problem, in actual fact, like 99.9% of all victims, is that you're TOO much - as in, more than he bargained for, as in, too intelligent, too independent-minded, too all-round lovely, with your own brand of Je Ne Sais Quoi. You make delicious Narc Num-Nums...well, if only you were thick and weak, that is. LOL But then - they find out what YOU'RE truly made of, too, don't they! Everything you have felt and are feeling now, at the time and in-reaction to this new (pff) 'development' - is normal and healthy. (Say it with me: "Go ahead, Punk - make my day". :) ) (Angry) Thoughts? PS: That podcaster must be a Billionnaire by now (:p).

Psst! To open your eyes that much wider (towards climbing off his Matrix): "He told me that he can finally breath with me and feel at peace." Oh, can HE. How nice for HIM. What about you? Well...truth has its own vibration. You felt the opposite vibe. And not only did it show you what he'd wittingly, deliberately done to you for too damn long, but, worse, "TOO LITTLE, WAY TOO LATE, PAL!". PS: You're not particularly verbiose nor emotional when you type but WHAT you laid out and its order, was packed with all the information, both above- and below-the-table, that anyone who's familiar with NPD so-called partners/friends/whatever. You're certainly not the first person to realise your (hah!) partner has shot themselves in the foot by stupidly, via logical extrapolation on the victim's part, exposing their whole game. Same goes for feeling like you want to pulverise him. Resentment isn't the word for it.

(Tsk - sorry - lost the end of my sentance in the PS there: ....that anyone familiar with NPD, would easily recognise.) Anyway - sorry again for the delay. Really hope you're still reading and I'll keep a deliberate eye out for your response.

PS: I have to confess: yesterday, I had a mind, out of high amusement, to correct you when you said, "Fast forward, he did a 360", with, 'It's actually a 180 (think about it, haha)'... BUT.... then I realised what your mind had done: Basically, for a Freudian Slip, that was spot-on! He DID, to all intents and purposes, turn 360 because he only PRETENDED to turn. Starting at Nought Degrees, then turning 360 would just put someone straight back to Nought...or, more exactly in his case, we can say that he *may as well* have turned 360 degrees because he never actually moved a muscle....*except for his lips, of course*. (Narc joke: Q: How can you tell when a Narc is lying? A: They're lips are moving.) That's one of the best Freudians I've ever witnessed. Brilliant. Can't express yourself, you say? Hahahahaha, how wrong you are. PS: If/When you leave him, do us all a favour and make this your parting comment (if you can keep a straight face): 'Listen...Thanks anyway for all your hard work as resulted in your Insta-Epiphany & 360-Degree turnaround, there. ...But anyway, I'll be off now because I've got a very big day tomorrow'. And, when he asks what you mean (he would...he's a controller), all chirpily you say: 'I'm going to swim to the Moon and back!'.