I am falling apart and my relationship of 4 years. Need advice.

Hi, all!I am female, and I and my fiance have been together for 4 years. We rarely had any difficulties or arguments and were very happy together. He would always compliment me on how loving and passionate I was, but for the last 2 years, I feel like I am just never good enough and he is showing me the part of him he wouldn't show before because he was showing his best to get me to like and love him. The one and main issue we have always had is that we were struggling financially, he is more than I and we can barely spend time together or have time alone. He would always complain and continues to complain about this. I do not like that we can not have it any other way either. I have my apartment but I live with my sister now, he also has an apartment that needs renovation so he has always lived with his parents. However, the solution he found to solve what he was always complaining about after my sister moved in with me, was to find the cheapest hotels where we could spend some time being just he and I, and I did not like the idea. I live in a community where I might get in huge trouble because I do not even wear a ring yet (he has not proposed with a ring yet). I have suggested going hiking and renting a small cheap cabin somewhere near but not in the city, but although he is very adventurous and never misses such opportunities suggested by friends, when I have such ideas he does not like the weather, or the price of gas, or the price of the cabin, or he is tired. And that's when I just start losing my mind and thinking about all the other stuff that just does not resonate well. The only thing I do not compromise is to go to the cheapest hotels with him without a ring on my finger, to protect myself. Even on my birthday, he spent much more than the price of that cabin or that cheapest hotel to take me to the nice concert because his friends were going there and we ended up planning a surprise for his friends who were thinking we would not make it to the concert rather than surprising me on my birthday or doing smth for just the two of us. He has an apartment that needs renovation in order to move in, but even when he gets a better job and more money to renovate it, it always comes last because he first needs to buy special equipment for the small business he is running. I have always encouraged him hoping that he would work things out for him to be able to work things out for us, and then we agreed to split expanses of renovating his apartment. But things did not go well with his job and I ended up giving all my thoughts, energy, and most of my salary to planning and paying for the renovation, to the point that I missed the appointments with my doctors, was not able to buy things for myself and spend nights studying to keep my new job with higher salary and he would not even take the cheapest bus to my house to see me and take a walk with me to the park. Then we would get to the shop to buy things for the renovation and he would choose the most expensive ones and would be upset that I preferred to not pay so much money because there are a lot of things we need to buy and we would not be able to finish the renovation for years. He would not listen and then I would agree. When things get better at his job he helps me a little financially but depends mostly on me. He would buy expensive shoes and clothes with little chance and money left and started joking around about what I was wearing, how I looked, why I felt sick, why I lost weight, why I did not have any ideas on what to do or why I do not see what movie premiers there are to suggest going to the theater, and when I tell him because I am tired thinking about everything, planning everything and make everything happen he gets upsets. He could not give me a ring yet, because he still couldn't plan even a small surprise, he bought gifts for my parents and asked them the permission to marry me and is spending a lot of time with me and my family because we really showed him love, but has never invited us to meet his parents. We have spoken about all these. He apologized and said that he needed time to plan everything and promised not to complain about things that I can not change at the moment. But then again for the third time yesterday, he told me he does not like that I am not affectionate, and he does not believe that I love him or I am interested in him and that he is sitting there thinking about maybe spending time with someone else, saying to me that he does not care about the apartment's renovation (I have had surgery because I buy the most expensive things he wants for that renovation and am left with no money every month to take care of myself but he does not care now?) because anyways the renovation is taking so long and he still can not be with me and he is struggling because he wants to be me with me but it just won't happen and that anyways I do not initiate intimacy anymore so nothing matters and that no man will like me and to help the relationship I need to change something. I do not want to end the relationship of 4 years on which I have spent so many things. I would characterize him as kind, positive, energetic, attentive, always willing to help, and adventurous but I think he got lazy and very secure. I do not want him to cry to get back to me again, instead, I want him to really understand what's wrong before getting back and for us to really work on it. Maybe there is something that I am doing wrong? How do I make him understand me or myself to understand what's going on?

Sorry for the delay, I or someone else will be with you asap!

Again - sincerest apologies for the delay! "Hi, all! I am female, and I and my fiance have been together for 4 years. We rarely had any difficulties or arguments and were very happy together. He would always compliment me on how loving and passionate I was, but for the last 2 years, I feel like I am just never good enough and he is showing me the part of him he wouldn't show before because he was showing his best to get me to like and love him." This is rather too soon to be turning so 'damp squib' already, isnt' it. And so chasmically. Only two years in, you say. That's a very characteristic length of time... So is, best foot obviously UNREALISTICALLY put forward. Google Love-Bombing, see if it fits. Saying that -... "The one and main issue we have always had is that we were struggling financially, he is more than I and we can barely spend time together or have time alone. He would always complain and continues to complain about this. I do not like that we can not have it any other way either." (Always, noted. HE complains regularly about this situation, too, noted. But are you implying he makes you feel like he's BLAMING you or making out that you mind it less than he does?...hence you saying, I don't like it either?) Noted that he is in more financial struggle than you. I.e. you are more solvent. Wait up!... " I have my apartment but I live with my sister now, he also has an apartment that needs renovation so he has always lived with his parents." How OLD is he? (Take it you meant - I have my apartment but my sister lives with me there, now.) How long has the renovation been taking, and when is it meant to be finished? And why BEGIN a renovation if you're low-earning and/or struggling financially or undoubtedly will be if you take on a renovation? I'm confused, though. If you don't live together, like a married couple/-to-be, then, how can you-plural be struggling financially? Wait a cotton pickin' minute... "However, the solution he found to solve what he was always complaining about after my sister moved in with me, was to find the cheapest hotels where we could spend some time being just he and I" Word & Action Salad Alert! He'd have you believe he earns less than you - and you've said, YOU TWO have always had financial problems...and yet, despite you have a perfectly good apartment, he would rather WASTE MONEY ON A HOTEL EACH TIME??? (Cheap is not Free, like it obviously would be at your place!) How does THAT work! It doesn't, doesn't it...it's a case of mouth saying one thing, actions contrdicting. *Sigh*....how much money have you 'lent' him so far? Secondly - WHAT about your sister or her just being there, was he always complaining about? Oh, god, it just gets worse: "I live in a community where I might get in huge trouble because I do not even wear a ring yet (he has not proposed with a ring yet)." THEN HE IS NOT YOUR FIANCE YET SEEMS EVEN THIS SOON INTO YOUR POST, TO BE GETTING GIVEN ALL THE PERKS OF ONE! If there is no ring at the time of proposal - there is no Proposal. End Of. You have zero proof he intends to marry you or ever did. All you have, is him wanting sex...and without your sister anywhere near you (uless your walls are paper-thin - why not?). No role-based work - no role-based perks (end of). I don't need to read any further - thanks to that GLARING evidence - including the fact you've just spelled out how he would NOT be getting these Perks were it not for your believing what he'd have you believe (yet isn't acting like nor treating you like) he was your Husband-To-Be. (Lucky for him that you do, then...Or did.) But I will read further, just in case there's anything to redeem him (albeit, I won't hold my breath)... Just a quick aside, though: "He would always compliment me on how loving and passionate I was" Notice how those describe what you do FOR HIM and how you make HIM feel?...and that they allude to 'in the bedroom? He is just not treating you with respect any more, basically, is he. He's making you feel like a cheap prostitute. (Ugh...AND WORSE...) "Even on my birthday, he spent much more than the price of that cabin or that cheapest hotel to take me to the nice concert because his friends were going there and we ended up planning a surprise for his friends who were thinking we would not make it to the concert rather than surprising me on my birthday or doing smth for just the two of us." So, let's get this straight: on your birthday, he dragged you along to a concert with his friends and called it your Birthday treat. PFF....! No, of course his friends wouldn't have expected him to turn up ON YOUR BIRTHDAY! They'd expect him to plan something romantic, just the two of you! This is bullsh*t. Come on... you must be able to see it. He's not prepared to life barely a finger - not even, now, to get to be intimate with you. It's clearly not intimacy, then, is it. Was it ever? Or was it just INTENSITY? And right before that, Love-Bombing. All I see is this: he wants to do what HE wants to do, WHEN he wants to do, WHERE he wants to do - and who cares about your birthday. Not him. FIANCE? Nothing like. What IS he like? A duper-user. Who helps himself to sex-on-tap at his and only his convenience - anywhere will do! - and thereby saves himself the time, effort and money of taking women on dates. "He has an apartment that needs renovation in order to move in, but even when he gets a better job and more money to renovate it, it always comes last because he first needs to buy special equipment for the small business he is running." He smacks of a Covert User (Malignant Narcissist)...a spoiled but neglected, thus still spoiled and neglectFUL, baby who is getting his parents to subsidise his lifestyle, under the excuse of his 'renovation' not being finished, despite doing nothing to get it finished. Meanwhile, he's saving himself the cost of dating around or of a steady girlfriend (blow-up doll) who'd demand proper wooing. What on earth made you believe he intended to marry you? Just because he said so? He doesn't mind paying for cabins when his FRIENDS are going to be there, note. But you? Cheap motel only. He's using you. so again - how much money have you lent or saved him? Have you sat down and worked it out yet? Scratch that question! Just read this bit! SAY. NO. MORE... "But things did not go well with his job and I ended up giving all my thoughts, energy, and most of my salary to planning and paying for the renovation, to the point that I missed the appointments with my doctors, was not able to buy things for myself and spend nights studying to keep my new job with higher salary and he would not even take the cheapest bus to my house to see me and take a walk with me to the park. Then we would get to the shop to buy things for the renovation and he would choose the most expensive ones and would be upset that I preferred to not pay so much money because there are a lot of things we need to buy and we would not be able to finish the renovation for years. He would not listen and then I would agree. When things get better at his job he helps me a little financially but depends mostly on me. He would buy expensive shoes and clothes with little chance and money left and started joking around about what I was wearing, how I looked, why I felt sick, why I lost weight, why I did not have any ideas on what to do or why I do not see what movie premiers there are to suggest going to the theater, and when I tell him because I am tired thinking about everything, planning everything and make everything happen he gets upsets." Yup. He is using you sexually while financially exploiting, even downright conning you! He's acting EXACTLY like a Narcissistic Sociopath. A Predator-Parasite co-morbid with full-blown Narcissism (of the social climbing, cheating at gaining power, type). He is NOT struggling financially nor ever was. He's secretly growing richer thanks to you believing his lies including this one. NICE, ISN`T HE. It's what Narcissistic-Sociopaths (Spaths/Narcopaths) do. I'm sorry. But you must be able to see it? Because you are certainly now and increasingly over the last 2 years or more, FEELING LIKE IT. PS: Does your sister know the situation or, even better, seen it for herself? What does SHE think? ______________________________ Now check-out this site - in order of links... and I'll read the rest of your post tomorrow, just for confirmation, now, to know what else he's up to: 1. https://www.truelovescam.com/category/the-love-scam/ Extracts: "We don’t get anywhere trying to make things good. There’s always a particular moment when it hits us: something is very wrong here, and normal isn’t working to fix it… because they aren’t normal." "Once hooked in, we’re in a kind of hypnosis in a cloud of confusion. As the whirlwind of good stuff begins to wear off the crazy begins we’re twirling on a merry-go-round emotionally. We discover if we question them about specific unpleasant or odd things they’ve done, the sociopath gets mad. They lead us to feel convinced we did something to make it happen, or that it didn’t happen, or they ignore us. A sociopath wants us to stay locked in their spell. They know that an emotional reaction from us is a sign we’re “still in”. They truly do not care which of our emotions makes us stay." "Being in love with a sociopath – what you might call a narc, a narcissist, or “your nee”, isn’t a casual connection. – It isn’t a connection at all as much as a parasite embedded in your life. While we think it’s a real relationship, we’re all the way in. We want the fairy tale to stay perfect. We hang on tenaciously even as we feel it shifting and disintegrating under our feet" 2. https://www.truelovescam.com/5-stages-of-true-love-scam/ "...Maybe you’ve felt a sense that they’re lying, or you’re being ignored or were rejected, insulted, or they haven’t answered your texts for the zillionth time. This furtive search is inspired by what each of us experiences. By a fog and suffering that muddles what had been good. The thing that brings anyone here is that we start to see that the frog we kissed isn’t a prince, a princess, or even a frog, but some kind of monster." "Think of true love scam as a hijacking; a deliberate invasion and infiltration by a parasite. Every parasite needs a host who knows nothing of its presence in order to survive. This weird dynamic happens, in the same way, each and every time. – Let’s take a look at the phases of true love scam. True Love Scam: Stages One Through Five Catch Our Eye: Assess Contact: Win Trust and Empathy Bait and Hook: Take and Use Take and Use More Fail and Bail and Smear" (The Bait and Hook) "To the sociopath aka the narcissist, we’re an animated object, a natural resource to serve their purpose – or not. Their desire – their need – is to first hook us in order to bait and hook and to take and use anything and everything they want. They make use of any person they can hook and for as long and as far as they can. The way they get what they want is surprisingly simple: they drop the bait. Bait is embedded within every word they say. It’s rare that a sociopathic user directly asks for something but instead leaves dangling hints in trailing phrases... " "Sociopathic Users Believe Our Things are Theirs The other way they take and use couldn’t be more simplistic. They take it…whatever they want. Extra room in the closet, our credit cards, cash, cars, and our friends become their prey. These people who make use of others as a way of life take as easily as we breathe. They lie about who they are and what they intend. This is how they live. There’s no such thing as “boundaries” on what they will or will not do. We may not see this for a long time. The thing is, we as regular people look at the world through a lens of “good” and aren’t expecting or even aware that people who live by using other people exist. That’s okay – and that’s about to change. " ______________________________ Have a good long read of this website and then come back with your thoughts and any questions. Meanwhile - it's not about YOU not being enough. It's him. He's a Feral human being. If you didn't know those existed - you do now. Here to catch you when you return, no worries. :)

Wait.... I can't leave this bit out: (Same site. https://www.truelovescam.com/in-love-with-a-sociopath/ - bottom of page entitled, '13 Red Flags: In Love with a User') "13 Red Flags Shouting: Warning! Falling in Love with a Sociopath If we’re about to fall in love with Mr. Completely Wrong red flags will wave. If we’ve been in love with a sociopath before, these signs will be familiar. We are attracted and drawn to this person more powerfully than ever before to anyone. Or: we kinda aren’t interested, but we give them a try anyway for a nebulous reason we can’t even quite define. We can’t believe how amazing he is! We can’t believe this Prince Charming likes us! We live for and love every text, email, or phone call he makes to us; If he doesn’t call or text we crash, and plummet in an extraordinary way. We feel like we might die without him. Really, we think we just might be nothing without him (or her). He hints we are meant to be, soul mates, and the thrill is out of this world! He talks about an old girlfriend who was amazing; we feel bound to be better. A female sociopath will flatter her male prey saying that he’s “out of her league”, every normal man is inspired and driven to convince her she isn’t. We describe him as the kindest, sweetest, most perfect man in the Universe. We’re a perfect match we’re so alike. We click. We fit. In ways we never imagined. We think: Wow! It’s true: Kiss enough frogs and not just a prince, but a King has appeared! He makes every other man we’ve dated seem like a Cracker Jack prize we settled for. We feel over the moon. We feel we won the lottery. Only better. We quite adamantly think anyone – a friend or whoever – who says this guy isn’t the greatest thing ever is wrong Underneath it all, we feel unhinged."