A beta male in a sexless married because I need to be alpha in sex

Hi, 50 years young music producer / IT developer here. Married for 15 years, family with a stepson 24 and our song 13. I am here to say out loud whats been bugging me lately a lot, and it's a sexual problem. I really like my wife and our marriage and I would like to stay with her until the end. She really makes me the man that I want to be. BUT. There is a big elephant in the room and that is sex, or better lack of it. We are sexless for around 7 years now, and before that it was a falling curve since our son was born. Now I think that midlife crisis is starting to hit on me hard and something is starting to happen to me. Not sure who is to blame for our situation, but I can and would lke to speak for my side. Yes, there is this strange thing with me and I am now fully aware of it. Hear me out and please share your view on this. I am a really really nice and emphatic guy (as others say about me) that cherishes women and think highly of them. I hate macho bullshits and all sorts of misogynist crap. I really like being led by a woman, as I think women are better leaders, and this is how our marriage works. I am the one that cooks and takes care of our son's school etc. I am also the main money maker, earning 3-4 times more than my wife. I manage to do it all somehow. Everyone tells my wife that they would kill for a husband like me, even men. :) . Nothing is hard for me and I live 120% for my family, neglecting totally my social life etc (been there done that). The only "small" problem is that in sex I am not like that. I pretend to be, because to be honest I am ashamed to admit how I really feel. In sex, I want to be, in short, a dominant alpha macho male, primitive and commanding. I like to be pleased and like to have a partner that is totally occupied with my satisfaction. Nothing too kinky like BDSM, not into that. But I want to have it my way. I also like anal sex, always have, and I had it before whenever I could. I like porn kind of sex, am very visual and get really aroused only if women have a really really nice looking body features, hourglass body, full natural breasts and feminine curves, big ass, narrow waist. I hate anything artificial. I like natural beauties, that are totally self-confident and feel good about themselves. he thing is, all of that is only so in my mind, because only for a short period of time in my 30s I had this kind of sex and that kind of partners. And it was great sexually. But those women wanted me to be also the leader and alpha otherwise, which I hated. So I am realising now in my 50s that in fact, in order to be monogamous, I would need to have a female partner that is alpha is normal life, but submissive in bedroom, and with that really a sex bomb physically! I know it sounds totally unrealistic, but that is what turns me on. So right now I am starting to obsess with phantasies of cheating my wife with VIP escorts (even started collecting phones numbers secretly), also it so happens that a number of my ex sexual partners from old days somehow started to appear, and I had a couple of very intense hugs where I almost got a boner, which is otherwise really hard for me these days. What is going on and what am I to do? It seems like I have only two options - either start leading a double life for the first time in my life, and see where that gets me (where I would really really hate to fuck lives of my wife and son, and mine with them... but perhaps I could pull it off for a couple of sexually active years I have left...), or I simply focus on moving those thoughts away, and basically admitting to celibacy, focusing on my family, my work which I really like and where there is so much more for me to do... because, I have really had my share of sex with beautiful women... ...the only thing is that I really NEVER managed to have sex with women I really really wanted, the really totally hot chicks everyone was crazy about, perfect body types... somehow my energy was always off and we never clicked (I was both attractive and locally famous so it was not impossible in theory). I did have a lot of really sexy partners, but only those that I felt quite flat about, didn't really care. And that would attract them like flies. Is paying for sex the only way I can manage to have sex that I want and need? And not feel ashamed of it, because it's a simple transaction? And is it worth it? Not the money, but all that comes with this, if I start to like it. Thanks for reading and for eventual reply!!!!

Hi and welcome, OLAFINSKI! Apologies for the delay. I or someone else will be with you asap. Please meanwhile feel free to respond on other posters' threads, including those likewise still waiting (and I'm posting this same message to them)? That's how it works here - a free-for-all come tit-for-tat. :) If you feel nervous about doing that, you might find it helps enormously to read other present and past, established threads - and, ditto, where concerns finding a problem similar to your own. :)

Bumping you up for tomorrow as well! So sorry...too many posts, too little time, lately.

"Hi, 50 years young music producer / IT developer here. Married for 15 years, family with a stepson 24 and our song 13. I am here to say out loud whats been bugging me lately a lot, and it's a sexual problem." (Haha - music producer....'our song'! Like it....and, well - I guess that's what happens when you make sweet music, hahaha!) So her son had been 9 when you two got it together. And your shared son was born 2 years into the marriage. 1. That was quick, wasn't it? 2. And had you no previous kids or marriage or serious live-in, prior to her? 3. Was her son born in wedlock? "I really like my wife and our marriage and I would like to stay with her until the end." 4- You really LIKE her? Don't you mean, like and love her? "She really makes me the man that I want to be. BUT." Damnit, I just knew there had to be a 'but' (you were bigging-her-up that tad too much, see, to cushion the coming 'blow')... (FYI, I deliberately don't read ahead in opening posts.) 5. First-off, though: name me all the ways in whichever life-arenas (and/or house-rooms), she, quote, makes you the man you want to be, unquote - so that I can understand exactly what you mean? I mean,...haha! - the man you want to be could be Coco The Clown but in suspenders and high-heels for all I know? (Haha...Did you used to be in advertising?) "There is a big elephant in the room and that is sex, or better lack of it." Uh-oh... 6. Married for 15 but romantically together for how long in total? (...And I'm guessing, it's not you.) 7. How old is SHE? "We are sexless for around 7 years now," WOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH. That's not funny. Bloody huge kudos, though, for having such strength of endurance! But then I guess, what with your being a Creative, you're using up quite a bit of your sexual energy on your artistic output. (8. Work late, do you?) " and before that it was a falling curve since our son was born." Haaaang on a cotton pickin' minute!... You saying the sex started rapidly drying up as soon as she sprogged?...which was just past year 2? (Oh, no....) (ignore me...for now...but that's a huge Scooby Clue that there might be a villain around here...and I don't mean you.) (Shiteanora, they're pigging everywhere.) ***INTERMISSION*** I NEED MORE DATA BEFORE I READ AHEAD. Please answer the above questions and meanwhile I won't peek at the stuff below I've just pasted in, which I'll just cordon off (- I slit my eyes to blur my vision, LOL...does work, though.) These are imperative. I need to know how you met, how soon you went steady, when you moved-in, when you married. And (unless it's down there) what your sexlife had been like during those first 2 years, in terms of Marks Out Of 10 for Artistic Impression and ditto for Technical Merit. And the average frequency per week (or per night). Please. :) ****************************************************************************************************************************************** Now I think that midlife crisis is starting to hit on me hard and something is starting to happen to me. Not sure who is to blame for our situation, but I can and would lke to speak for my side. Yes, there is this strange thing with me and I am now fully aware of it. Hear me out and please share your view on this. I am a really really nice and emphatic guy (as others say about me) that cherishes women and think highly of them. I hate macho bullshits and all sorts of misogynist crap. I really like being led by a woman, as I think women are better leaders, and this is how our marriage works. I am the one that cooks and takes care of our son's school etc. I am also the main money maker, earning 3-4 times more than my wife. I manage to do it all somehow. Everyone tells my wife that they would kill for a husband like me, even men. :) . Nothing is hard for me and I live 120% for my family, neglecting totally my social life etc (been there done that). The only "small" problem is that in sex I am not like that. I pretend to be, because to be honest I am ashamed to admit how I really feel. In sex, I want to be, in short, a dominant alpha macho male, primitive and commanding. I like to be pleased and like to have a partner that is totally occupied with my satisfaction. Nothing too kinky like BDSM, not into that. But I want to have it my way. I also like anal sex, always have, and I had it before whenever I could. I like porn kind of sex, am very visual and get really aroused only if women have a really really nice looking body features, hourglass body, full natural breasts and feminine curves, big ass, narrow waist. I hate anything artificial. I like natural beauties, that are totally self-confident and feel good about themselves. he thing is, all of that is only so in my mind, because only for a short period of time in my 30s I had this kind of sex and that kind of partners. And it was great sexually. But those women wanted me to be also the leader and alpha otherwise, which I hated. So I am realising now in my 50s that in fact, in order to be monogamous, I would need to have a female partner that is alpha is normal life, but submissive in bedroom, and with that really a sex bomb physically! I know it sounds totally unrealistic, but that is what turns me on. So right now I am starting to obsess with phantasies of cheating my wife with VIP escorts (even started collecting phones numbers secretly), also it so happens that a number of my ex sexual partners from old days somehow started to appear, and I had a couple of very intense hugs where I almost got a boner, which is otherwise really hard for me these days. What is going on and what am I to do? It seems like I have only two options - either start leading a double life for the first time in my life, and see where that gets me (where I would really really hate to fuck lives of my wife and son, and mine with them... but perhaps I could pull it off for a couple of sexually active years I have left...), or I simply focus on moving those thoughts away, and basically admitting to celibacy, focusing on my family, my work which I really like and where there is so much more for me to do... because, I have really had my share of sex with beautiful women... ...the only thing is that I really NEVER managed to have sex with women I really really wanted, the really totally hot chicks everyone was crazy about, perfect body types... somehow my energy was always off and we never clicked (I was both attractive and locally famous so it was not impossible in theory). I did have a lot of really sexy partners, but only those that I felt quite flat about, didn't really care. And that would attract them like flies. Is paying for sex the only way I can manage to have sex that I want and need? And not feel ashamed of it, because it's a simple transaction? And is it worth it? Not the money, but all that comes with this, if I start to like it. Thanks for reading and for eventual reply!!!!"

Oh. 'Tumbleweed'. Okay... Well, I'll see if I glean what I need as I read and answer the final half, in case some lurkers were into this (similar situations)... "Now I think that midlife crisis is starting to hit on me hard and something is starting to happen to me." You could just be grossly sexually-deprived, you know? "Not sure who is to blame for our situation, but I can and would lke to speak for my side. Yes, there is this strange thing with me and I am now fully aware of it. Hear me out and please share your view on this. I am a really really nice and emphatic guy (as others say about me)" Did you mean 'emphatic' or was it meant to be 'empathetic' (being able to put yourself in someone else's 'shoes' and not just understand and sympathise but feel how bad it feels or would feel, too)? I'll assume, empathetic. ..."that cherishes women and think highly of them. I hate macho bullshits and all sorts of misogynist crap. I really like being led by a woman, as I think women are better leaders, and this is how our marriage works." I might be commenting prematurely but it should be equal, weight-for-weight. Think of it like a seesaw. Sure, when you're down and unable to function - ill, injured, miserable, whatever - that's when she takes the boss/high position - but that has to go two ways or you get stuck on the ground while she gets the great views. Up, level, down, level, up, level, down, and so on, the rhythm varying here and there but overall, an equal ride using equal bodily effort. Did she KNOW you wanted a marriage where she'd be the non-stop boss? Why do you have to be 'led' by anybody? Confused....I'll keep reading.... "I am the one that cooks and takes care of our son's school etc. I am also the main money maker, earning 3-4 times more than my wife. I manage to do it all somehow. Everyone tells my wife that they would kill for a husband like me, even men. :) . Nothing is hard for me and I live 120% for my family, neglecting totally my social life etc (been there done that)." You do all the cooking and everything to do with your son's schoolife - on top of a, presumably *full-time* career - plus you earn up to 4 times her income (ergo your career should come first and be supported)?? Hang on - that doesn't gel with you being 'led by' a woman? Me, I thought you were going to say that you're the boss at your work so she's the boss at home or something. Are you in charge of what hours you work each day/week/month? What does she do? Does she work longer hours despite less pay than you? Or is she vastly lower-energied than you (you a bit hyperactive), making the share actually fair, proportionally? "The only "small" problem is that in sex I am not like that. I pretend to be, because to be honest I am ashamed to admit how I really feel. In sex, I want to be, in short, a dominant alpha macho male, primitive and commanding." Well, I'm not surprised if the rest of the time you're feeling somewhat emasculated from doing more than your fair share? Does she show appreciation and do other things, like, give you head-massages, make you cups of tea, let you choose more telly programmes...? Or, as I say, do you simply have more free time than her? Why on earth would you have got into the habit of pretending to your own wife that you are as 'passive' in the bedroom as in the more 'domestic' rooms? Who needs to pretend with their own wife? And for presumably FIFTEEN WHOLE YEARS? And DO/DID you 'need' to? Why? "I like to be pleased and like to have a partner that is totally occupied with my satisfaction. Nothing too kinky like BDSM, not into that. But I want to have it my way." You mean as an occasional treat or, henceforth as routine? And would SHE get her share of turns at having it all her own way, too? Otherwise, you can't expect the latter, I'm afraid. That's what prostitutes are for. Which is why they don't do it out of love, but purely for cash, and won't ever involve kissing. They're not emotionally vulnerable in your hands, unlike a wife, so getting kinky or whatever doesn't affect them, it's purely mechanical for them (until THEY meet and fall in-love with someone). Is this "wish-list" for-real or the sound of your sexual over-frustration finally bursting out?? Your way is not workable unless it's for special occasions only. Is that what you mean - just 'sometimes' want it Your Way? "I also like anal sex, always have, and I had it before whenever I could." Most women don't. Some pretend they do, to pander and ensure they hook you (bleugh), but, not usually... Probably because they know it's potentially extremely dangerous (ask any nurse, she'll tell ya). "I like porn kind of sex," Thank god you've said that!!! Yeah, you did sound like you were getting a bit carried away. That's what an over-long abstinence can do, eh. I mean...no offence, but you do sound sex-starved. And it's been - what - eleven years of nothing? Hardly surprising, then, that you want to go crazy climbing trees and playing with 'mud pies'. I'm not sure I believe you could have held it in that long, though. Be honest: Have you been having affairs during this last 11 or so years? "am very visual and get really aroused only if women have a really really nice looking body features, hourglass body, full natural breasts and feminine curves, big ass, narrow waist. I hate anything artificial. I like natural beauties, that are totally self-confident and feel good about themselves." Yes, men are more visual (artists especially), women more audial, but - .....right? The feminine ideal/fantasy - yes, and...? What's unusual about that? Psst!...All you're really saying is, you want a woman who's sexy, looks after herself and comfortable in her own skin. And with glamour-model proportions after 2 kids and the stress of a failed marriage (smirk). What caused her divorce? "The thing is, all of that is only so in my mind, because only for a short period of time in my 30s I had this kind of sex and that kind of partners. And it was great sexually. But those women wanted me to be also the leader and alpha otherwise, which I hated." Going from one extreme to the other, then, huh? That'll e because your pendulum was still swinging, rather than slowing down like it should have been (time to Get Over the relationship). Sounds like you serial dated. Also sounds like, you feel you have unfinished business back before roughly year 2000. Or it's become your fantasy fodder because you HAVE been wholly abstaining these past 11 or so years?! E.g., literally starved for weeks before sitting down at a 5-star table and the meal is free... you're not going to choose sausages if there's lobster and Chateau Briande on the menu, are you. "So I am realising now in my 50s that in fact, in order to be monogamous, I would need to have a female partner that is alpha is normal life, but submissive in bedroom, and with that really a sex bomb physically!" And what makes YOU worthy of a sex bomb, physically? Also, why are you skirting around the idea of trading-in your wife and making it sound like it'd be a case of returning her to the shop you bought her from and purchasing a new one? Did you and YOUR WIFE never discuss this huge and rather rapidly-emerging sexual incompatibility and what to do about it (strike deals, woo her more, etc.? Or are you actually telling me she has no idea of how you've been feeling about all of this? "I know it sounds totally unrealistic," ("Oh, phew!" - again!) ..."but that is what turns me on." Yeah. Your perfect fantasy. Involving 30 year-olds, I presume? Mate, your desperate hankering of a fantasy shag whereby you go OTT and don't have to be considerate of The Other, is NOT the strange bit here! That's the LEAST of your problems. In fact, it's merely the symptom. "So right now I am starting to obsess with phantasies of cheating my wife with VIP escorts (even started collecting phones numbers secretly)," STOP RIGHT THERE. You're putting it into action. That is no longer just a fantasy! Get OFF that slippery slope. You put the other foot on and you'll live to bloody regret it. Often, the grass is greener on the other side because it's FAKE. And why do you have to cheat on her? If you were really so hell-bent on throwing away something supposedly entered into for-life and which still has potential for revival (because you've mentioned no attempts to talk/resolve) - as well, throwing away your family life and PROPER Daddy position! - for very short-lived, instant-gratification, just BEING SPOILED in bed...UNTIL IT GETS BORING ALL OVER AGAIN... then the decent, grown-up, moral - REAL MAN - thing to do would be to ask for counselling and if that failed, for an as amicable as possible divorce. You cheat and you're doing both kids heads in for potentially a very long time and more likely than not, ruining your own past, present and future welfare. "also it so happens that a number of my ex sexual partners from old days somehow started to appear, and I had a couple of very intense hugs where I almost got a boner, which is otherwise really hard for me these days. What is going on and what am I to do?" DO BLOODY NOTHING - DON'T TAKE *ANY* ACTION - STAY EXACTLY WHERE YOU ARE! YOU'RE ON THE EDGE OF THE PLUGHOLE AND COULD GO DOWN ANY MINUTE! And for what - because you're sex-starved and starting to be controlled by your libido rather than you in control of IT. Your brain's melting. You're turning thick. Sorry, but you are. Over-arousal, over-bunged-up like that - for over a decade(?!). That's enough to make anyone take stupid decisions and risks! You are very, very precarious right now - understand? This is not the way. It's not her fault you left this undealt-with for so long (...what - for "a quiet life"? - how's your quiet life working out for ya now!...yeah, precisely). Well, anyway. At least you've done the right thing by coming for help getting your taboo barriers and bollards fortified, that's something. Well,...it depends on your intention (permission to cheat or genuinely wanting help to be strong and sort this the grown-up Man way). "It seems like I have only two options - either start leading a double life for the first time in my life, and see where that gets me" What do you mean? YOU CAN'T DO THAT. YOU'RE LEGALLY MARRIED. YOU SIGNED A CONTRACT - REMEMBER? THAT'S WHERE THERE'S A FAMILY COURT (duuh?). (And they detest adulterers, I'll tell you that right now. It's just logical - they're Pro-Family-Pro-Community eagles.) OOH, you're playing with fire! Listen. Cheating devastates. It's like releasing a Nuclea Bomb in your own living-room. If you love her so little that you could devastate her AND your kids like that - and sounding so cavalier when discussing/planning it, then, why the eff did you propose to her and make a baby with her in the first place?? "(where I would really really hate to fuck lives of my wife and son, and mine with them... but perhaps I could pull it off for a couple of sexually active years I have left...), or I simply focus on moving those thoughts away, and basically admitting to celibacy, focusing on my family, my work which I really like and where there is so much more for me to do... because, I have really had my share of sex with beautiful women..." Oh PHEW!!! again-again (stop doing that!....it's like being on a rollercoaster!) (oh effit, I'm not taking it para by para, it's impossible with you penduluming from one extreme to another like you are...I'm finding it hard to know which of you to believe!). I'll just finish this point though: Perhaps you could pull it off for a couple of sexually active years you-NO...YOU COULDN'T. Truth Outs. Too many world- and other-world influence variables. And I would add - and you shouldn't want to! But since your actual answer to, Do I want to risk cheating, is Yyyyy....Nnnn....Yyyy....Nnnnn - I'll take everything from here with a pinch of salt (and separate it from the pepper at the end). Christ, you must be WELL dizzy, though, because, you've managed to get me dizzied with you! "...the only thing is that I really NEVER managed to have sex with women I really really wanted, the really totally hot chicks everyone was crazy about, perfect body types... somehow my energy was always off and we never clicked (I was both attractive and locally famous so it was not impossible in theory)." Ah. Awwwwww, didn't you? I did. "Ha-ha!". And it got VERY BOOORING, VERY QUICKLY. It was JUST raging libido. Sex without romantic love is boring as f*ck. (Yes, precisely.) WITH love - NOW you're talking! Without sex, though, which becomes without much (if any) romantic love left..... "And you are 'Here'". "I did have a lot of really sexy partners, but only those that I felt quite flat about, didn't really care. And that would attract them like flies." Did you have a difficult childhood and hence are a late starter? Would ANY of this be even occurring to you were your and your wife still enjoying keeping the spark going that way (and you'd had that talk and steadily changed the bedroom dynamic)? "Is paying for sex the only way I can manage to have sex that I want and need? And not feel ashamed of it, because it's a simple transaction? And is it worth it? Not the money, but all that comes with this, if I start to like it." Paying for an STD, more like. (Times are hard, yeh?...biz ethics go out the window.) IT'S STILL BREAKING THE MARRIAGE CONTRACT (ADULTERY). "Thanks for reading and for eventual reply!!!!"" Blimey. Thank-you you think, more like, haha. Listen, take a bromide. I mean it - you've left this marital problem (including lack of honest talking, clearly!) for FAR too long - DANGEROUSLY too long! - and now, look, it's taking Conscious you over and pushing you to the back of your head where IT should stay sat (and it doesn't give a SHITE about the humungeous trauma it'll cause - for all of you - you included). Mutiny! Just don't MOVE. Except RSvP. *Thanks on behalf of your family, especially those kids, for being honest and reaching out in time. (*I think? Hahaha...gaaaah...............) Seriously... it's like watching someone about to walk unwittingly out through a hedge and over a cliff-edge to his death (or wheelchair life) below.....WATCH OOOOUT, STOOOOOP!!!! One more wee comment: little known fact: committing adultery is Self-Harming (just through A N Other but back to you like a boomerang...where it's covered in far more sh*t than when you threw it). Chances are, you'd end up a lonely, miserable old man whose kids were helplessly-endlessly bitter towards him. Don't be a sh*thead, it won't suit you.

Here's the nucleic problem that started all of this, btw (in combo with whatever specific problem or hang-up your wife encountered/developed - perhaps from childbirth?): "because...I am ashamed to admit how I really feel." Ashamed to admit you feel like getting raunchier and more dominant. Er. WHY 'ashamed'????????? You're supposed to be. It's called Testosterone. Ashamed of being a randy little ugger and passionate and 'in abandon' with it (sometimes)? Ignoring the over-exaggerations in your wish-list - who on earth told you it was shameful? Wait a minute....did you falsely present as docile in bed because you were out of sorts at the time...and then start to feel more confident and bring your truer adventerer out?....whereupon she didn't like that because she'd thought she was signing up for more passive and gentle than that? I still can't believe you've left this to fester for over a decade, though. And then you wonder why you've started bouncing off the walls? (Mr T voice:) "Fool!" (joke)