Celibacy

Broke my 3 year celibacy today and I feel absolutely horrible and terrible about myself. I regret it very much. I very much dislike sex, and every time in my life I've felt obligated and pressured to do so. I do it and have done it because it's expected of me. I want to cry. I feel good about myself when I abstain. I feel at peace and connected to and with myself. I feel pure and a cleansing for all my sins. .now I feel like a piece of trash. Garbage. I feel soo dirty and unclean. I feel diseased. I can't believe I did this to myself again

Hi Tidd! Thanks for your patience. :) I've been celibate, now, for (...counts toes....), coming-up 8 years. Crikey, I hadn't realised it was that long! (I would have added, "Blow me!", but...haha, that would be a pun too far....IF one had a dirty mind because, OBVIOUSLY, I would have meant, 'Blow me down with a feather'............I'll just shut up, yeh?). I've found it highly transformative. It's like after a while, that whole department just shuts down...which is then you realise how much of your brainpower it took up and how much more you can get done! In me, it's come out especially as heightened creativity - because creative (and sporting) energy is actually sexual energy, anyway ( - interior and exterior design but I now feel the urge to get really "arty and crafty" and start mosaic-ing or painting murals on walls...OR on certain annoying people's faces, haven't quite decided yet (haha). I still get eyed and hit on, but...I am JUST. NOT. INTERESTED. Well, not yet, anyway, although I'm "going through the Friendship" door with a lovely, gentlemanly, witty, Spanish chap here, ...well, test-driving and frisking him...but I made him perfectly aware that it'd probably be a good two years before I'd even snog him - and that's if we lasted that long as friends, of course. Them's me Terms & Conditions - he can take em or leave em. Happily, he's taken them because that suits him too (has post-traumatic heart probs at the mo so basically daren't 'get excited', which is fair enough AND HURRAH!...couldn't have done better if I'd ordered the situation myself! Meanwhile, we meet once per week and are getting on better and better as friends. And that's what had been missing with my previous relationships and fauxlationships: you've got to LIKE them first, and THEN fancy them, not the other way around (that way gets you trapped by addiction to someone you discover you DON'T like)....which is difficult to bear in mind when, back then, you're under the power of a raging libido and repro hormones (and yours and their chemistry) I guess - neither Supaglue yourself to what you think is a door or a fireside hearth or they could turn out to be an iceberg or the side of a volcano. (...I think?) Just a bit of Blu-Tak for the first 2 years, methinks. What about you? If you could have a Romantic relationship but which was platonic for that long, whereby you could grow fonder and fonder until you fell in-love with them - would THAT make a difference? IS it just the sex bit, I mean? And where do you think that disposition of yours hails from? Or is it solely down to this obligating and pressuring (from whom?....When What Where Who How?). Three years is a good Innings. And you wouldn't beat yourself up if this was a one-off "falling off the bandwagon" in that entire 36 long months, would you. (Would you?) Wouldn't you just think, oh, well - spilt milk!, and just get back on the wagon? "I feel pure and a cleansing for all my sins. .now I feel like a piece of trash. Garbage. I feel soo dirty and unclean. I feel diseased. I can't believe I did this to myself again" Look, if you really felt you had it all sewn up like that then you wouldn't have had a need to come here, would you. Give me the details of this event (not the X-rated ones, obvs) - from the lead-up to the event to "the morning after", including, who this person was, their age, etc. - AND LET'S SEE, shall we, whether what you did was a bad thing or a good thing. I mean, if it's a case of, your inner animal mutineered and forced you, then, obviously it's got other ideas and a reason for that, and a great deal it wants to say!

"Three years is a good Innings. And you wouldn't beat yourself up if this was a one-off "falling off the bandwagon" in that entire 36 long months, would you. (Would you?) Wouldn't you just think, oh, well - spilt milk!, and just get back on the wagon?" Sorry - I meant to put - if this were a calorie-controlled diet and for ONE day you had been unable to resist a cream cake and a packet of chocolate biscuits.

How old are you, btw? And which gender and orientation?