My boyfriend broke up with me but instantly revoked it.

Hi all, and thanks in advance for any advice given. My boyfriend and I have only officially been together 3 months. In this time, I have been very happy with how things have progressed and really feel like he is a really good boyfriend. Prior to us getting together, we were friends who had conflicting feelings for one another - we both didn’t necessarily want a relationship but it just happened. He was very open with me about his insecurities as he was scared of “wasting my time”. I set this precedent as I didn’t want to start a relationship unless he was sure he liked me enough, alas, he did. Yesterday, we had our first “incident”. A conversation arose regarding his feelings. He told me he still wasn’t 100% and that he didn’t know if he was mature enough for this. I will admit this was prompted by my own drunken nagging. My feelings were incoherent as I was just visibly upset but not expressing anything (again, we were in a bar!) and at a certain point I began to ask “is this it, is this it” until he finally said “yes.” He was also crying ATP. Fast forward not even 2 minutes later, he revokes this statement as he said he did selfishly want to be with me, and would much rather be with me than not, but that my reaction and our emotional mess made him think I expected more from him - he has had doubts surrounding whether or not he should be doing or feeling more at this stage, ( he had intended to speak to me about this, just not right there and then ) and my inexplicable crying, pushing, etc confirmed those doubts, so he broke up with me for all of 5 minutes. We spoke afterwards about these doubts in detail. All of what he said was fine - we’re at an early stage, we’re happy, but we’re not in love or planning long into the future. I was comfortable with the conversation we had as I feel we’re on the same page, only difference is he’s insecure about where he should be at and was worried for my happiness, thinking I would want more etc, whereas I’m not stressed about how peaceful and non-intense everything is. My issue is that after the “break-up”, I find it hard to believe this is what he really wants. He told me he had no prior intentions to break up and that he’s happy day to day. I asked him 100 times over if he did really want to proceed and he said yes, but I can’t get the incident out of my head. The conversation as a stand alone was completely okay, but coupled with the 2 minute “break up”, I am questioning if he really does feel enough for me or that if we should be in love at this stage. I was happy with how natural things seemed to be going, but now I’m just waiting for him to really break up with me out of nowhere. It really hurt me and I’m not sure how to get over it. Should I be concerned? Or is this something I can get over?

Hi, HouseOfBalloons (haha, I'd love to know what made you choose that name). Not reading ahead as I go... "My boyfriend and I have only officially been together 3 months. In this time, I have been very happy with how things have progressed and really feel like he is a really good boyfriend. Prior to us getting together, we were friends who had conflicting feelings for one another - we both didn’t necessarily want a relationship but it just happened. He was very open with me about his insecurities as he was scared of “wasting my time”. I set this precedent as I didn’t want to start a relationship unless he was sure he liked me enough, alas, he did." Three months is nothing. FAR too soon to pass verdict like that! We can ALL be a really lovely whatever for 3 short months (think of the 3-month job trial and remember that is for minimum 5 days per week every week and the "dates" last all day long, so it's much more concentrated and therefore in effect is longer than 3 months of dating - prior friendship or not... ...People always make the mistake of thinking a previous friendship is safety-check enough, thereby prematurely throwing themselves into the romantic relationship, but it counts for very little when with some personalities, it's not until you get within more intimate range that you see their true or truer colours - and with Narcissists, especially once they can tell you're hooked and thereby going to find it too hard on the heart to 'vote with your feet' and end it or call a separation when they start acting up and crashing boundaries. As just friends, you're not so attached that doing so hurts as well as feels panic-inducing. As just friends, all you learn is what they're like as a friend. Only by becoming closer do you learn what they're like as a boyfriend/gf (and hopefully beyond). Reason I suspect Narcissism (should just call it Bastardism, really, shouldn't we) or over-high natural narcissisticness could be in the mix is because of where you say he - in the context of getting romantic, and this being a warning, come, preparation/priming from him - was 'very open' with you about his "insecurities". Big Red Flag. Also, the fact that you're coming onto a forum after only three months. One, with a healthy-normal bf, you tend not to need outside help and advice, you can conduct it just as easily as you could any other friendship (mere venting to friends is different, I'm talking, 'Help!'). And, Two - if the bloke is normal even at close-range, having had that prior friendship should make it even easier again. Giant Red Flag. So is, being 'worried about wasting your time'. He's making pre-excuses ....already, so soon in....basically wasting no time in setting the bar very low and setting you up to know, that if you get into a romantic relationship with him you'll have to give him a free Hall Pass when it comes to how he might feel and react about this, this and this.... *** Note: even if they're not diagnostically Narcissistic - there are too few attitudinal, relational and behavioural differences between that and an intrinsically normal but very insecure bloke, anyway. You can't and won't succeed unlessh he seeks professional help. *** 1. ...Plus, I'm guessing he hasn't ever gone into detail about how long he's had these 'insecurities' nor whether or how badly they obstructed his prior relationships? 2. How long were you even friends for? Also - 3 months is too soon to have doubts or problems per se, as well as to the extent where you need (objective) help. "Yesterday, we had our first “incident”" There we go. I was right (sarcastic yayy). What's he been doing, then... "A conversation arose regarding his feelings. He told me he still wasn’t 100% and that he didn’t know if he was mature enough for this." Ohhhh, earwigo..... RED FLAG - OLD CHESTNUT! - "I don't think I can dooooo thiiiiiiis"...."I neeed spaa-aaaace / a breeea-eeak (mew-mew)". 3. That was a bit quick, wasn't it? Only three months to start the using and manipulation games? Ah, but, then...we have that "convincing but fake friends foundation". See how that works now? Seen it all before, heard it all before. Classic. It's to secure themselves a break...so that they can start dating around for one or more women to start secretly two- (or more) timing you, without you suspecting a thing, but meanwhile, you hanging around, logically expecting a reunion. That way - you don't move on and nor do YOU get yourself other boyrfriends! (Only the Narc is allowed to cheat around - you're his inferior, you don't get the same rights and perks (yeah, I know - cuckoo!...totally deluded).) "I will admit this was prompted by my own drunken nagging." Don't take his blame. Nagging is what happens when the partner/spouse is passively or passively-aggressively refusing to do what they're supposed to be doing. (Dismissed from the enquiry - that's a forced reaction, not an action or antagonism instigated on your part). The fact he responds with (fake) noises to suggest he's "getting cold feet" (again), in response to your "nagging" him for owed goods/services (i.e. asserting your needs and expectations in a Last Resort manner), makes his message clear: "Don't you dare ever complain or I'll end it!". It's called, Waving the Sword of Damocles above your head. (Really? Your two's strength of relationship, according to him, is really that incredible tenuous that one tiny (and RIGHTFUL!) prod and it could collapse into dust? AT HIS SAY-SO, NOTE? (What about yours?) Yep...he's got another victim he's suddenly working on and which is going well (i.e. she's more placid and bully-able than you).) Yep, he's risking losing you because if he does, he does (he's got his safetynet in place), and if he doesn't and you prostrate yourself (making future behavioural abstinence promises that are unhealthy and unfair to yourself), then - fine, he'll keep you because maybe you WILL make a good little emotional or whatever-else slave, after all.) He's censoring you against, to get you out of the habit of, sticking-up for yourself - using Fear of Loss/Abandonment...to make you too insecure. He is already Priming you. Methinks you're Secondary Supply, not Primary, but just don't know it. (Have you researched Signs of a Narcissistic Boyfriend on the web?) I'll read and comment to the rest but I know what he is already, it's as plain as daylight. It's the same old, same old, same old, over-worn manipulation campaign and script (they even all spout the same phrases, like they've all attended some special Arsehole College course or something!). Aaaall the classic hallmarks. I'm betting he wasn't your friend to begin with...just pretending, in order to bide his time and work his charm and/or manipultion on you...to get you into his little harem. BTW, he's a Covert. Normally they take 7-9 months to start going hot-cold, push-pull. Hence why this boy needs you hooked in record time - it'll be for getting another woman back under his control (using jealousy, sense of inadequacy, including female competition (- don't...it's too thick - he's the perp, not her, her OR her). Google, Narcissistic Boyfriend - Triangulation / - and threats to end the relationship. Mind you, if he's got more than one other woman - or two at a push - then we could be talking 'next level up' - Sociopath with Narcissism...Spath/Narcopath. (Hopefully not, but that's what I'm searching for signs for now I've established he's "a narc" or doing an over-convincing job of one...) "My feelings were incoherent as I was just visibly upset but not expressing anything (again, we were in a bar!) and at a certain point I began to ask “is this it, is this it” until he finally said “yes.” He was also crying ATP." (What do you mean, AGAIN you were in a bar? Do you have another thread on the go?) The cowardly little drama-king couldn't even tell you in a private setting? Yup, that fits. Your Covert and Covert-Vulnerables (pretend babies) - both Malignants - are nothing if not giant cowards and/or sooo Superior Complex-ed that they will do anything to avoid any "irritating" confrontation from she whom is too stupid compared to him (oh, yes - you google, you'll see!) (just BECOMING THEIR GIRLFRIEND makes them hate you more!) to have the cheeck to question His Royal Highness....(ugh). "Fast forward not even 2 minutes later, he revokes this statement as he said he did selfishly want to be with me, and would much rather be with me than not, but that my reaction and our emotional mess made him think I expected more from him - he has had doubts surrounding whether or not he should be doing or feeling more at this stage, ( he had intended to speak to me about this, just not right there and then ) and my inexplicable crying, pushing, etc confirmed those doubts, so he broke up with me for all of 5 minutes." WHAT emotional mess? You mean, the one he's just created? Expect more than what? - actual gf-bf rather than suddenly only a casual gf or mere f**k-buddy? (Yeah, I'll bet that's exactly what he means! - Google "Narcissist - managing down your expectations"). Confirmed those doubts - b*llocks! HUGE RED FLAG - GASLIGHTING - "WORD SALAD"! In fact, just further, firmer confirmation of what he is. BTW, what was it that he'd protractedly failed to do as had you having to ask again-again-again out of sheer frustration/desperation, like that? "We spoke afterwards about these doubts in detail. All of what he said was fine - we’re at an early stage, we’re happy, but we’re not in love or planning long into the future. I was comfortable with the conversation we had as I feel we’re on the same page, only difference is he’s insecure about where he should be at and was worried for my happiness, thinking I would want more etc, whereas I’m not stressed about how peaceful and non-intense everything is." No, you're not on the same page or any of his lies. He needs you head-over-heels over him into addicted. "It's called, Treat her mean to make her keen". Manipulating your emotions by giving you that scare. Google, Narcissistic Trauma Bonding and Intermittent Reinforcement. So it's HIM who wants "more" (but not for good, loving reasons). Google, Narcissistic Projection. Either he's priming you OR he DOES get stressed with how peaceful and non-intense everything is. However, the way he's doing it is too identifiable (Narc). "My issue is that after the “break-up”, I find it hard to believe this is what he really wants." Exactly. Doubts. Now you're "Walking on eggshells" (aim, fire, bullseye!). "He told me he had no prior intentions to break up and that he’s happy day to day." Then he shouldn't give you distinctly mixed messages. (Nah, he knows what he's trying to achieve.) "I asked him 100 times over if he did really want to proceed and he said yes, but I can’t get the incident out of my head." Because you know it's not adding-up. (Good - your instincts are still working and you're still listening to them! :)) "The conversation as a stand alone was completely okay, but coupled with the 2 minute “break up”, I am questioning if he really does feel enough for me or that if we should be in love at this stage." You might be (artificially) in-love, but he isn't. If this were a normal-healthy guy who actually wanted a mutually loving and respectful relationship then, he wouldn't basically hold your relationship over a cliff like that. He wouldn't dare. Just in case YOU blew your top and ended it (he seeks Master-Slave position, control over you including eroding your ability to end it, at all times). He's now got you destablized...and from here, you're even more manipulable (hmmm.. suspecting, not you, though, methinks you're not that influenceable....EXCELLENT!). "I was happy with how natural things seemed to be going, but now I’m just waiting for him to really break up with me out of nowhere. It really hurt me and I’m not sure how to get over it." SeemED, yeah. It's how it goes /Swat Narx Do. "Should I be concerned? Or is this something I can get over?" Yes, you should end it while you can. Because trust me - there's no winning with a person like this. But he won't end it....they don't...unless they realise you've got their entire number and can see right through them. But it is NOT a relationship. Google Narcissistic Relationship and you'll see. Anyway...only 3 months in and, already... He's in a hurry to get someone else to toe his line (but will keep you if you're present or future useful already....USE you, in other words. They don't do relationships. They do Bullying - reducing their "partners" to quivvering wrecks (or worse) - with Sex-On-Tap (which'll either suddenly stop or start getting weird and not enjoyable for you any more). Sorry... but your so-called friend and now so-called boyfriend is neither of the sort. They're not wired for or too broken-wired for bonding, equality, empathy....they don't care. They just want you for whatever perks/convenience/kudos/someone use as an emotional punching-bag and feel superior over... They're just on the take. They hate women (or men if they're women) - misogynistic pigs, they are - and use and abuse them badly and injuriously (sooo bad for your health, not called Toxic for nothing!) but still need sex (with someone to masturbate into) or a roof over their head, help with money, tools to manipulate through etc., etc. etc... whatever you've got that they want/need, so... Game over. Sorry. But well done for your great sense of logic ad Spidey Senses there! :) Have a google and then - thoughts?