Why do I constantly make bad friends? Where are the good ones?

I am a student at a university, it is my last year here and I still feel like I have no good friends. I will admit, in the past, I have made some mistakes with choosing some not-so-nice things to say about my "friend" but we are all human and make mistakes. She really hurt me and in retaliation I said hurtful words to my other "friend". The second friend decided to go and tell the first one, claiming she was just trying to help me. This was all over a year ago, but I fear I am still paying the price. I talked with the first friend and owned up to everything, I apologized and explained how hurt I was but told her I know it is still not okay. Since then, I have done so much better with my words towards her and the second friend. I have grown and shown a change toward them. Both of them know that I would do anything for them at any time. We all started hanging out again like nothing had ever happened and for awhile we were all close. Then they started to grow closer and that is fine, but they both completely stopped putting in the effort to hang out with me. I told them how I felt and they gaslit me and would tell me that I do not third-wheel them and that I do not feel left out even though those are my own feelings. Both of them have gone to my other friends too and have told them that they feel bad they dont reach out to me, so why dont they? It takes 30 seconds to send a text. I know they have the time for it. I have done so much to make up for everything and I know I was forgiven, it was all in the past. They will invite me to things and then only talk to each other and I just sit there. They will claim they've been busy and then sit in front of me and talk about all the fun things they've done the day before and the week before since they hang out almost every day. I do not take their excuses seriously, them being busy or being in the same classes, since they used to invite me to study with them even though it was different subjects. I see them on social media hanging out with each other or other mutual friends but never including me and then making excuses. I have tried to pull away but they always suck me back in. I have mutual friends who see this too, I have 2 friends who are good to me but I rarely get to see, and both of them always talk to me about how the other girls treat me so poorly. Why am I never good enough for anyone? no matter what I do im always put last or not thought of. I'm told by them that they miss and love me and then they never ask me to hangout and then tell me that I need to be the one to reach out to them. How do I get over the sadness of this? I try to ignore it but it creeps up on me and I get really sad. How do I make good friends? Where are they? I have never once had a good friend who has treated me well, no matter what I do for them. Are there any genuine people out there?

Hi Mr Bean - I or someone else will be with you by tomorrow so please bear with us? Thanks! :)

You need to surround yourself with people who share your values & standards as well as your interests in life. Don't waste your time with people who know no better than to gaslight others to give them their kicks. Why would you bother trying to hang with people who hurt you with their very actions let alone their words??..life's hard enough without having to be dragged around by false people. 'I have 2 friends who are good to me but I rarely get to see, and both of them always talk to me about how the other girls treat me so poorly'...these people are the ones who are telling you what you need to hear, rather than what you want to hear & they have the makings of a 'true' friend.

Manny! Hi, stranger! You've been sorely missed. How the devil are you and how's the weather in Aus? I hope you can stick around again for a while? PS: You still got your pub? ********************* Mr Bean, I agree totally with Manalone. Take a look at this: "I am a student at a university, it is my last year here and I still feel like I have no good friends." Having read ahead, I can see why. It's quite simple: you're nice (and healthy-minded and as mature as you should be at your age) - they aren't They're behaving narcissistically/uber-selfishly and cruelly....face it - they're acting like you're all still in the playground and them, The Mean Girls. Here's the kicker: while you're hanging with them, you're not attractive to other (normal) people...they can sense it, even if they aren't aware of it, and are put off (a little-known effect). Alternatively, unbeknownst to you, other people who'd be your friend normally, sense they're iffy and nasty and can either get the wrong impression of you, or just daren't approach you until they find out you rejected said Iffies. You need to Dump the Duds and get over them, to attract true, healthy friends (as such, whom wouldn't *want* to be the messenger that upset 'the other friend', ergo, wouldn't ever have told her what you'd said in the first place, let alone betray your confidence when any normal friend would have understood why you were angry and simply needing to VENT (duuh?). This "first friend" is no friend...she saw an opportunity to drive a wedge (...saying that - the second friend let her - so they're both duds). You'll be alone for a few months but, once you've recovered from this (go Google) narcissistic-style "Emotional Abuse"; "Gaslighting"; "Triangulation" (which was to engratiate herself as well as simultaneously position you into becoming their Scapegoat plus lynch-pin (an emotional toilet so that they can "stay nice" in front of the people they do want to impress...as well as, the 'enemy' who binds them..which they need because they're not friend material...you probably help them to look and sound more normal). Get out of their crosshairs and I promise you this: they'll either find another Scapegoat (surprisingly quickly) or start on each other....or, if you do it disgustedly enough, will do "Silent Treatment" on you and when that doesn't work, try soft-soaping and begging you back (don't go back - after a too-brief "honeymoon" they treat you FAR-far worse - to teach you a lesson for daring to escape in the first place and to knock the requisite, remaining confidence for breaking-free out of you. They don't want you, per se, but you're useful all the way to vital - and a lackey doesn't get to call it Over, only they do (- yup - "cuckoo!") "Then they started to grow closer" No - YOU did. They can't bond. "and that is fine," Well, it's not...because that's when they demote or dump you...the minute you start naturally to behave according to the fact YOU have just gone up a Bonding floor in the Bonding Department Store. They don't want to deliver true friendship because it involves DOING things as takes EFFORT but they both completely stopped putting in the effort to hang out with me. I told them how I felt and they gaslit me and would tell me that I do not third-wheel them and that I do not feel left out even though those are my own feelings. Both of them have gone to my other friends too and have told them that they feel bad they dont reach out to me, so why dont they? It takes 30 seconds to send a text. I know they have the time for it. I have done so much to make up for everything and I know I was forgiven, it was all in the past. They will invite me to things and then only talk to each other and I just sit there. They will claim they've been busy and then sit in front of me and talk about all the fun things they've done the day before and the week before since they hang out almost every day. I do not take their excuses seriously, them being busy or being in the same classes, since they used to invite me to study with them even though it was different subjects. I see them on social media hanging out with each other or other mutual friends but never including me and then making excuses. I have tried to pull away but they always suck me back in. I have mutual friends who see this too, I have 2 friends who are good to me but I rarely get to see, and both of them always talk to me about how the other girls treat me so poorly. Why am I never good enough for anyone? no matter what I do im always put last or not thought of. I'm told by them that they miss and love me and then they never ask me to hangout and then tell me that I need to be the one to reach out to them. How do I get over the sadness of this? I try to ignore it but it creeps up on me and I get really sad. How do I make good friends? Where are they? I have never once had a good friend who has treated me well, no matter what I do for them. Are there any genuine people out there?"

Sorry about that - I sent too early by mistake! (Butter-fingers!) I'll continue from where I was... "Then they started to grow closer" No - YOU did. They can't bond. "and that is fine," Well, it's not...because that's when they demote or dump you (and you find out what's behind it and what's badly wrong with them, these friend- or-lover pretenders)...the minute you start naturally to behave according to the fact YOU have just gone up a Bonding floor in the Platonic Bonding Department Store, where your expectations (even just your vibe) for more or for better reciprocity, likewise, go up a level. That irritates them, makes you prime for being sent back to Square One (via the abuse). They cannot thus "don't want to" deliver true friendship because it involves DOING things as takes EFFORT and being a normal, healthy, nice, kind, human being...and COMMON-SENSE and.....All working parts, basically. Sucking you back in is called Hoovering. Google. You have to go on a diet but, oh, boy, are you going to be glad you did...and that you came here....and that it's because YOU'RE NOT ANYBODY'S VICTIM. (You've got this and definitely can do this - we'll help if you want...it's just a diet..there WASN`T any Friendship, it was all pretense, pretension and cheap words (try "Future-Faking" - I'll bet they did that too Dump those prize b*tches and, as Manalone says, start working on spending more time and conversation, taking an interest, in your other acquaintances. Also, see if anyone finally dares approach you once they've seen you not with the witches for a while. But mainly, quarantine yourself, get to know yourself and who you are NOW, not in the past (throw away childish insecurities and hangups; they're not current or applicable any more) (how can I tell? - easy...two narcissistic witches responded so...if they didn't bash you down, you'd really start showing them up, just by being YOU....I bet they haven't even been aging and maturing since you met them...think back, you'll realise). "Why am I never good enough for anyone?" That's not a victim's problem. Their problem (being the lovely humans on the planet - the Empaths (givers, etc.)) is that they're TOO GOOD for scum like them, ONLY, DON'T REALISE IT. Ketchup Baby Tomato and use the diet to self-re-appraise and get to realise how you've grown, improved and changed and aren't who or what you once were. And then you'll realise a truth: that if YOU had a friend like you, of your calibre....YOU'D BE *DEAD* CHUFFED! You need to realise that and stop selling yourself short, just because you're out of date-synch with yourself (been through a trauma?). You're mixing with interrelational, very badly "brung-up" and/or neglected, and may as well be more feral than human, *scumbags* (no matter WHAT image they present on the outside) who - gosh, what a surprise - BEHAVE like ferals and keep stabbing you without-a-cause ....and then (you) turning round and asking, What is wrong WITH *YOU*. Hahahaha - think about it and laugh along with me! NOT ENOUGH is wrong with you. Even Benign Narcs are gobsmackingly over-entitled and think of themselves as celebrities. They don't choose Not Good Enough or Second Best. They want and expect AND DEMAND! The Best or at least The Best Unconventional/Quirky.... just someone who stands out, is attract-ive, very warm and approachable, sweet-natured....the kind other normal people like...all of that. You're so top-shelf, you then start to MAKE THEM LOOK BETTER AND "MORE SENIOR" THAN THEY ARE. And if you're down or distracted or both, at the point when they need to use you - THERE'S THERE CHANCE!!!...and so they pounce (because normally, normal, ticketyboo You wouldn't bite or stay biting, trust me on that). That's what's "wrong with you" and so many other victims. But I imagine now I've spelled it out, you can appreciate how that complete misinterpretation on your part can happen, yes? Have a good ol' surf and then, if you like, come back with your comments, 'dot-joining' and any queries. PS: "Are there any genuine people out there?" DEFINITELY. And IN here too! LOL

PS: just to make it simpler (hopefully): You're a diamond. They "deserve" diamonds (bloody don't!) - "just because" they're "superior/perfect/powerful/genius beings" (*literally incredibily* delusional!) and so they're going to have you whether you want them to all that much, or at all, or not (commence "Love-Bombing"). But then, "Honeymoon Over - Go To.......(WHAT?!)...PROGRAMME CORRUPTED, PROGRAMME CORRUPTED....MWAAP-MWAAP-MWAAP!....INITIATE RETURN TO VIA CREATING CONFLICT WITHOUT RESOLUTION!.... So they start to pick on you and create dischord ("Devalue" - Idealize, Devalue, (Fake or Real) Discard). Because if someone(s) starts systematically treating you and signalling that you're "nothing" and "don't matter", eventually, it's going to convince your mind and make you begin to shrink and go dull. IOW, they can only Connect (or pretend to), not actually Bond (grow fonder and fonder of you with time and interactions)...especially as, as soon as their broken, mental, human-human Bonding programme/app kicks in, suddenly, that very shininess as attracted them so hard to you in the first place, now starts to pathologically IRRITATE (infuriate) them, make them *seethingly* jealous of it/you, and to have the sick-ego compulsion to start to increasingly peck/bash/kick you down until, as I say, you're tiny and no longer shiny/twinkly (no longer attracting other people), whereupon, NOW, they don't look quite so bad and "iffy" by-comparison. And because with time they've coerced/threeatened you into being and behaving like their No. 1 Fan no matter how disgustingly they treat you, that "getting away with it" is the part that makes them feel all-powerful (idiots), superior beings. Meanwhile, other people think you're still with them because they actually AREN'T all that bad, maybe really nice underneath it all. (Get it?) One could say, you're their deoderant because with you they'd stink to high heaven (they do sound pretty Anti-Social, putting it mildly). They thought your "fairy-dust" would rub off on THEM and make them magically (google "Narcs - Magical thinking") equally as or even more diamond-like and shiny than you (or else why would someone as nice as you be bothering with them....SEE HOW IT WORKS?). They don't realise this doesn't/can't work...because their programmes are ucked, making them close-human-relationship cripples/paraplegics/quadraplegics (whereas you're a psychological marathon-runner)...they can't see their own wheelchair, and they're permanently stuck in a mindset where their still-(nasty)-childlike solution to conflict is to be even more spoiled and nasty until their victim, (not you), finally, emotionally confused and exhausted, rolls over ('for a quiet life') (no such thing and never was!) and puts up with them and their atrociously nasty-kid attitudes, etc....until the victim's OWN legs stop working and escape is no longer possible without straining or breaking a heck of a lot of mind muscles. So.... they desperately want you ("shiny-thing-shiny-thing-MINE-MINE!!!")... then they realise, you not only ARE "all that" (some think you were lying and over-exaggerating like they were), but even MORE than could be told on the outside!.. "OMG, this person really is some sort of angel!". Cue "Pathological Envy"...now they resent/hate you for being such an attractive, interesting, warm- and big-hearted personality with your sunny, positive, Can Do disposition and/or vibe - everything their minds will never be able to develop into.... Victims tend moreover to be everything the personality-disordered narc or "just" narcissistic person desperately want to be but can't ever (god they hate you (plural), you've no idea). And (this is the Benigns) - THAT they resent you rather than can continue being into you and enjoying that Honeymoon rush (they're addicted to the Dopamine and other feel-good brain chems/cocktails) - this sudden new development must be YOUR fault (because nothing is ever their fault). YOU have "made them" hhhhhhate you! Now you must be punished. (And we must call Matron.) So now they downright hate your guts and sound of your voice (irritated beyond belief) for the fact they still need whatever enhancements you bring to them and their life (while pullings yours down) - so they hate you but daren't or would find it too inconvenient to dump you. Solution: to take that shine of your face and now you're closer to their lower league (or appear to be). Sense? There's even mroe than that to it, but - doesn't this now just totally match and make sense with how horrid and cruel they've been to you - including the sadistic toying with you (via refusing to cooperate/play it sane and straight), like two feral cats with a domestic-pet mouse?....torturing it with their claws and jaws for hours and hours and hours (human months and months and years and decades if you stay).... letting it go just to catch it again (re-commence torture) .....until it has a heart-attack or dies of exhaustion? They mistook you for a mouse. Fools. We don't GET mice here...takes huge bravery to post, I'm not stupid, I know that fact full well. Well, once you get to the point (if you get the opportunity or can even be arsed by then) you bite them in two and spit them out, do remember to inform them that they're NOT to come running to YOU. YOU wouldn't - COULDN'T - have EVER treated a friend like that, could you. Clearly not. So don't be accept as your friends, people who could and would and prove it by doing it again and again and again and againzzzz..... They're obviously not your counterparts. And don't change your generous-minded ways, either, or they've won. It's Right Qualities (mine) - WRONG RECEIPIENTS! Again, just take the time it takes to get to gradually know and gently, steadily bond with people like YOU. The more you know what elements YOU are made of, the faster you'll recognise those same qualities, etc., in others. Opposites Attract Then Repel (check!). Birds Of a Feather, Stick Together (find). (PS: those other friends are kind-PLUS-brave like you. If they're not available to be bessies with, at least bear them in mind as your search template while you're still taking stock of Yourself Today.)

Sorry - some words dropped off: "MWAAP-MWAAP-MWAAP!....INITIATE RETURN TO RELATIONSHIP SQUARE ONE VIA CREATING CONFLICT WITHOUT RESOLUTION!.... "

yeah g'day Soulmate, yeah I'll prolly hang around for a smidge. I've had a heart attack plus surgery so I'm kicking around doing eff all, but the Cardios have cleared me to go back to work, but I won't just yet. No I ditched the pub in 2017 & opened a Fish n Chipper until the Covid shut it down. As usual, Queensland's weather's a bastard this time of year, hot, wet & humid with the air con cranking flat out. 11am at night & 28 degrees Celsius outside. btw, have a good Xmas & safe NY cheers

Please excuse our brief conversation on your thread, Mr Bean - we won't be a tick. :) _____________________________________________________________________________________ G'day, Sport! Heart-attack??? Woooooooah... I don't even know what to say...! And, I REALLY want to ask you what that was like, but it kind of feels inappropriate, plus I know you're a very private person.... However, saying that - if you feel like sharing (and offloading) on a thread - in as much detail as you like - please do! No wonder, though....all that incredible stress and grief (-literally)... Ditching the pub after so many eons would have been fairly traumatic, all by itself. Then same again, buying, running and trying to keep afloat the new business....busting a gut, only to have it murdered by Covid. And then, if all of that weren't enough - the trauma of a mind-blowing, 'near-death' event! Oh, and, let's NOT forget your horrid divorce (and, by reverse-extrapolation - marriage)! I so hope Covid hasn't ruined you, financially? And that it hasn't too badly affected your confidence and gung-ho-ness? ...Doesn't sound like it, though...you're tough, you are (good genes) and can think well even under-fire, that's always come across loud-and-clear in all of your posts...As has, the fact that you've had plenty of run-ins with full-blown Narcs and other Iffies in your time. And now you have what sounds like July-August here in Spain.... Now you've been forced to stop and do nothing, you must be finally feeling how absolutely, completely, utterly EXHAUSTED you are! So your decision to take longer time to recuperate, I think, is incredibly sensible. It's your body/mind so - YOU'RE the expert on you and sensing/just knowing what's best for you. I'd undoubtedly do the same. In fact, I know I would. In fact, I imagine this is the first time you've ever really had the opportunity taken time-out to From a purely selfish POV, I hope your visit here lasts as long as poss! Your posts are not only A1 (you must be aware you were a Star Poster, yes?), they make my posting far easier (you identify, I explain - works well, I think). ...Wish there was something I could do for you. Actually - there is! To literally take the heat out of your situation, try this (works beautifully!) : Big, thick towel on the sofa or bed...Buy one of those thin cotton or cotton-rayon-mix beach-sarongs (or kikois) (not the see-through type; they're TOO thin)....wet it in the sink and wring it out, leaving it very damp... Lay on the towel, sarong spread out on top of you (as naked as poss, obvs)....electric fan blowing towards you (air-con is too much, you'll end up/wake up with your teeth-chattering)..... Additionally, have one of those plastic, trigger-action Plant Water-Sprayers from the supermarket/garden-centre to top up the moisture when/if needed (cold water, obviously, not Fosters, LOL) - Voila!...pretty-much instantly COOL AS A CUCUMBER! Works for getting to sleep immediately at sticky night, too... the beauty being, the sarong/sheet is too thin and not wet enough to make your bed/sofa wet, just you (it wicks the heat out of you), And that way, you'll be well-rested and with fuller mental and bodily resilience for heat-tolerance anyway. Seriously - that method is probably why the summertime heat didn't kill me this and last year. But ALSO (which I bought this year), you can now buy "Neck Fans"... They look like old-fashioned, slim, headphones, but you hang it around your neck (it adjusts to fit) with the 'earphones' blowing on your neck...RIGHT on your Carotid arteries, either side, with the ambient air-flow blowing up the sides of your face and temples and under-eye/upper lip area (stopping your face and hairline from sweating). Has three speeds but I found the Low speed perfectly adequate after an initial minute on High, then switching down to Medium, then Low....and they come with a charger (like a moby charger but faster, holding their charge for far longer...or you can leave them plugged-in, the leads are quite long) so you don't even need batteries. Best of all - not noisy, surprisingly quiet! Here, they cost about 12 Euros in the shops, or roughly 16 Euros via Amazon et al (what's that in dollars?)....pretty damn cheap for how effective they are, IMO! Either one, you'll be sorted, be able to relax and sleep, but there's no beating the two together whenever the humidity starts competing with the blistering heat.... Bliss. There you go - an Info-Hug. :D Keep up the good work - and here's a real one (sibling-type): ((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))) _________________________________________________________ And a friendly one for you, Mr Bean - and, back to you (no need to be shy - feel free to chat back, chat to anyone here... (((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))))

(Scuse the Yoda-ism: " opportunity taken time-out to " - opportunity to have taken time-out and wash the last of all that past trauma out of your hair. PS: Have you said hi to Scopes on Lily's thread? He's been having a hard time as well.)