Deciding to move in together and telling religious parents about it

I have been living abroad for more than 3 years, doing my PhD. I am financially independent, and have been on a stable relationship for almost 3 years. I'm 30 years old, female. For about a year now, me and my boyfriend have been discussing moving in together, which is something I want, as a next step in our relationship. The idea is that I will move in in his apartment, and we will be there until the end of my PhD (about 2 years from now),and then decide where to go next. One reason for that is that there is the possibility that I might have to go back to my home country after my studies, but that is not definite. Moving in with him will allow me to buy a car, which I will need for an internship next summer, so that is a big motivator right now. However, I grew up in a very religious family, where my dad is a Pastor and very old-fashioned about many things, like getting married before living together. I keep telling myself that I am 30 years old, have been living by myself, financially independent from my parents for years, that I want to live with my boyfriend and also that my best option to do the summer internship is to move in with my boyfriend (so that I can afford a car). However, I can't stop thinking that my dad will have a really bad reaction to this, maybe even exclude me from his life, or isolate himself from others for being ashamed of me. This is the worst case scenario, but knowing my dad, has a 50/50 chance of happening. I guess my question is how to manage this situation. Is it worth hurting my dad for something that I want for myself, being that I might have to go back home in a couple years? And then, how to talk to my dad about this in a way to avoid really bad reactions from him?

Hi and sorry for the long delay! Forum regulars are too thin on the ground at the moment. It is a free-for-all public forum of the traditional/old-fashioned variety, though, so, according to how it's supposed to work, please would you post a reply or two (your impressions/opinion/advice or sympathy - or just say Hi and that you're taking an interest in their problem!) to the other thread-creators who are sat waiting with you? (And note this same message is going to all of you.) Once our regulars, including myself, are in a position to, they'll no doubt contribute as well. Thanks! Soulmate

Sorry for the big delay, RAYNN13 - I've been ill and I'm suspecting certain threads were left for me to deal with, meaning, there's a Narcissist in this story somewhere (and it ain't you)......"Let's go, baby!"... (Taking it para by para...) "I have been living abroad for more than 3 years, doing my PhD. I am financially independent, and have been on a stable relationship for almost 3 years. I'm 30 years old, female." Thank-you. :) Like your organised thinking already... "For about a year now, me and my boyfriend have been discussing moving in together, which is something I want, as a next step in our relationship. The idea is that I will move in in his apartment, and we will be there until the end of my PhD (about 2 years from now),and then decide where to go next. One reason for that is that there is the possibility that I might have to go back to my home country after my studies, but that is not definite." Oh, great. That's not a nice thing to have hanging over your head, is it. Is this the new immigration policy? Where are you? "Moving in with him will allow me to buy a car, which I will need for an internship next summer, so that is a big motivator right now." Okay. I presume that's just a side-bonus and wouldn't be the decider here? "However, I grew up in a very religious family, where my dad is a Pastor and very old-fashioned about many things, like getting married before living together." Well, good for him! But you're not him. This isn't his life. Yeah, you can tell I can tell what's coming, can't you... "I keep telling myself that I am 30 years old, have been living by myself, financially independent from my parents for years, that I want to live with my boyfriend and also that my best option to do the summer internship is to move in with my boyfriend (so that I can afford a car)." Again - yes, right?... "However, I can't stop thinking that my dad will have a really bad reaction to this, maybe even exclude me from his life, or isolate himself from others for being ashamed of me. This is the worst case scenario, but knowing my dad, has a 50/50 chance of happening." Riiiight (earwigo)... "Problematic" personalitied father... "I guess my question is how to manage this situation. Is it worth hurting my dad for something that I want for myself, being that I might have to go back home in a couple years?" YES: IT IS. Always. Regardless of Ifs and Nuts and Maybes. Or you'll just be "feeding the monster" and will exacerbate the arrogance of the man to believe he can dictate your life FOREVER by threatening to withdraw hisself and his 'affection'. That's Emotional Blackmail of the highest order. MANIPULATION. COERCIVE CONTROL. "And then, how to talk to my dad about this in a way to avoid really bad reactions from him?" Google 'How to Negotiate with a Narc', have a read, come back and run your thoughts/ideas past me. But to be honest - you could approach a Narc Controller as if you were Jesus Christ himself and it STILL wouldn't make any difference. If it's not what THEY want (because they OWN YOU) then it ain't happening, "OR ELSE!". It's called, waving the sword of Damocles. I would have thought that whether your Visa gets extended or not, or this relationship goes all the way or not - this period is your ideal opportunity for asserting your right to YOUR OWN BLOODY LIFE (sorry, lol), like NORMAL parents 'let' their grown-up kids DO. All a correctly-programmed human parent has the right to do is - HOPE that, whatever job you do, people you mix with, you'll like your life, cope with the bad times, but basically be safe, secure, content or even happy at times. BER-BOM. Anything else - tell it to Hitler! Saying that...you COULD, if you knew how (cough), pre Counter-Manipulate him before he gets to do it to you - or even, wants to do it to you?

Here's an idea, though. You lie. Pretend it's a female friend. Because it's NONE OF HIS BUSINESS ANY MORE! UNLESS YOU CHOOSE IT TO BE! Don't tell him until there's something TO tell him - yeah? It might not work out, in which case, pissing-off your highly piss-off-able father would have been all for nothing. Yeah.. This is the one I'd do. If he can't do the parental work (unconditional support), then he doesn't get the parental PERK...of being confided in about everything personal in your life - YOUR - YOOOOUUUUURRR life. Yep, that'sn the one I'd do. If he's made it so you can't tell him the truth then - fine...his bed, he can lie on it. (Abuse Boomerangs back to him - love it!)

What's your bf's name. I don't suppose Fate is smiling down and his name is nicknamable to what could be a woman? Like - Sam? Or Nicki?

Rayenn13, Soulmate linked me to this thread, I invite you to read my thread too just a different problem but similar problem however my problem came about after telling my family and the outcome was quite iffy at first with my family not talking with me for a while but then they came around though they still disapprove and even after 20 years of married life they would be happy if we were to separate. https://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/13574/Cross-border-couples-from-warring-countries#jumptobottom As for your problem you are still at the other side before making that "commitment" to this relationship. I would say hold off on telling your father until you and your partner are totally committed to a relationship with each other. and once you 1000% sure go ahead tell your dad or whomever you wants to and let the dice fall where they may. You completely know that your father would be "hurt" but don't let that stop you from telling him what you want to do with your future once you are ready to move to the next level. With me it was because I chose my spouse from other religion my mother was like why couldn't I choose my spouse from the same country as mine even if it be other religion, and I am thinking that's the lowest you can go mother. Also if you are moving together not because your relationship is going to another level, but this allows you to get a car too (car should be bonus, thnx soulmate for that) and not motivator for you guys to move in. Motivator should be you two. Have a great weekend and happy new year!!!!!