My mom has harassed and threatened my cousin. Now he's threatening meg

My mom has suspected BPD and I am her FP. When she moved out of the country, she would start calling all my friends and family when I didn't reply to her messages for a day or two. When she came back we fought a lot and I couldn't handle her obsession with me anymore. I eventually moved out and that was devastating for her. She was rushed to the ER many times during the last few years. She has also been telling me that she was dying for a couple of more years, since about 2014. I have recently gone through an extremely hard separation from my S/O. During this time my mom and cousin helped me a great deal and even helped to patch things up between us. After I moved back in with my S/O, I decided to cut ties with my mom because of some negative comments and toxic relationship advice I was getting. She has been prepping me to move money out of my account in case he wanted to divide our finances in case of divorce. She also told me to look for backup boyfriends. I had no inclination to believe that he wanted to fight over money but I was tired of dealing with a paranoid mom who didn't truly want me to happy in a romantic relationship outside of her existence. She had been making accusations against my social group ever since I "grew up", and I was tired of her manipulating my social life, and the worst past is she doesn't even know she's doing it. I cut ties with her rather abruptly as I felt there was no point reasoning with her. I felt extremely guilty about this because she took me in when I had nowhere else to go and helped me rebuild my relationship. I also felt, on the other hand, that I was not in a good place, mentally, to "pay my debts" to her and still retain my sanity. she came to our house to try to reason with me. I wouldn't change my decision and she resorted to telling me that she was dying and that didn't change my decision. She left in a very distraught state, saying she didn't want to live anymore. I yelled at her "there's more to life than your adult child!" After two weeks, I received a call from my cousin. He was very upset but he told me calmly that I had no right cutting ties with my mom. We are Chinese and he is very traditional about that. He asked me why I abandoned my mom even though she took me in and helped me at my helpless time. He began to pressure me and I got angry and said I never asked for her to be my mom and other emotional things. He told me to calm down and that if I don't at least text my mom, he will ruin my relationship. My cousin was the one who helped my S/O forgive me and my cousin was the one who had to listen to me cry and complain every day. He was there to give me reassurance and I know I annoyed him a great deal. I can understand that he was fed up with both my mom and I. I asked him why he would do that and he said I know how to calm you down, but I also know how to keep you in your place. I was terrified as I knew or felt that he was capable of this because he saw me at my worst and knew all of my worst secrest that I didn't want to tell anyone else (besides mom and him). Our phone conversation ended in me quietly agreeing to contact my mom. I then got a screenshot of the texts my mom sent him. She had accused him and his mother (my aunt, her sister in law) of taking away her family, including me, from her. She at first said she will beg his mother to forgive her and me because she believed that my cousin and his mother wanted to convince me to commit suicide (I also have BPD and have attempted twice, nothing to to with my cousin whatsoever). Today she told him that she believed my cousin and his mom were trying to isolate me from my friends and family (when in fact she had been the one doing it). She believes that they wanted me to take my own life again. She ssaidthat she will protect me no matter what and that if I do attempt to do it again, that she will "make them pay" for plotting hee daughter's suicide . I feel like this is illegal as she is making accusations against them that they are plotting my death and that she is also threatening the safety of my cousin and possibly his family. At this point I don't know what to do. I came clean about a lot of the things I have been hiding to my SO as I wasn't ready to tell him before that. Still, I was terrified that my cousin was so fed up with my mom and terrified for his family's safety that he is actually willing to wreck my realtionship, but he wasn't willing to take legal action as she is still family. I know I can never repay him for what he's done for me and having to deal with me at my worst, but I also know he is a very strategic person and if he wanted to, he probably could wreck my life. I also don't want my mom back in my life because I don't feel that I am in a mentally healthy enough place to maintain my romantic relationship, a full time job, therapy and her negative influences on me. I am very desperate and I don't know what to do. Please help

Hi ANTONYZANE, sorry for the wait already. I'll be with you tomorrow unless any other poster beats me to it.

I can only apologise again, AZ! Hopefully you set up your account to receive alerts or are still checking in? I'll get straight to it: "My mom has suspected BPD and I am her FP. When she moved out of the country, she would start calling all my friends and family when I didn't reply to her messages for a day or two. When she came back we fought a lot and I couldn't handle her obsession with me anymore." Okay, first off: I realise it's really hard. When someone's smothering you, you just want to create distance. But can you see how you created that reaching of the end of your tether by not answering or even acknowledging those messages for up to two whole days, as, for want of a better word, facilitated your moving-out? She's still your Mum, yes? Motherhood is 99% guilt and worry, even for healthy neurotypicals...would have panicked any mother. So now add BPD on top Correct me if I'm wrong, however (I haven't read ahead). You wouldn't have known this, but, with types like this you have to wean them off you, gradually, even offering active help, e.g. signing her up to a social club and going with her the first few times, to fill your gap, and to text to warn her to bear with you for a few days because you're 'up to your neck' in things at the mo. How old are you, btw? "I eventually moved out and that was devastating for her. She was rushed to the ER many times during the last few years. She has also been telling me that she was dying for a couple of more years, since about 2014." Confused over the timeline. Did you move out in 2014, since which, she's had - what - Panic Attacks or actual cardiac problems and warning-signs? (Not that, telling you she believes she's dying is appropriate; of course not.) "I have recently gone through an extremely hard separation from my S/O. During this time my mom and cousin helped me a great deal and even helped to patch things up between us." Ah! The mist clears in this regard. Okay - your bonce just didn't have the room nor time for someone else's problems on top. Yeah - too much. Why extremely hard, btw? Why the decision to have a separation in the first place? "I decided to cut ties with my mom because of some negative comments and toxic relationship advice I was getting." Such as? "She has been prepping me to move money out of my account in case he wanted to divide our finances in case of divorce." With or without any basis to be suspicious of him? "She also told me to look for backup boyfriends." BACK-up boyfriends? What's wrong with being single and getting over it? Does your mother have a few narcissistic traits (or narc. fleas from toxic parents/exes?) because that sounds uncannily like a narcissistic attitude to me? "I had no inclination to believe that he wanted to fight over money but I was tired of dealing with a paranoid mom who didn't truly want me to happy in a romantic relationship outside of her existence." You don't believe there was any motherly concern for your welfare based on things she'd picked up on? Or are you saying she's purely paranoid on that score? More info required please. "She had been making accusations against my social group ever since I "grew up", and I was tired of her manipulating my social life, and the worst past is she doesn't even know she's doing it. I cut ties with her rather abruptly as I felt there was no point reasoning with her." How do you know she doesn't know? So you admit you regret that you made it so - well, TOO abrupt? For her, I mean? Who, do you feel, was or were the root or tipping-point perpetrators of her erstwhile, present-day state? "I felt extremely guilty about this because she took me in when I had nowhere else to go and helped me rebuild my relationship." So you're regretting it now that you've had time to calm down? "I also felt, on the other hand, that I was not in a good place, mentally, to "pay my debts" to her and still retain my sanity." Are you now thinking it'd have been cannier to have written her a letter/email? Oh, well - spilt milk. "she came to our house to try to reason with me." Yes, any mother would have to do that; no way could they sit around with that size of injury (severing of the psychological umbilical). Does she have intense fear of rejection and abandonment, btw? "I wouldn't change my decision and she resorted to telling me that she was dying and that didn't change my decision." Why not? Did you think she was 'crying wolf' again? "She left in a very distraught state, saying she didn't want to live anymore." I can relate to that - as a parent, I mean. "I yelled at her "there's more to life than your adult child!" Did you have to yell? Couldn't you have sat her down for a calm talk - suggest a separation period? Why have you been this cruel about it when there were - as you yourself, palpably, have shown you knew they existed? At whom is that anger really directed at or even partially? Is it REALLY all for your mother alone? "After two weeks, I received a call from my cousin. He was very upset but he told me calmly that I had no right cutting ties with my mom. We are Chinese and he is very traditional about that." Oh, I see. You had no right according to traditional culture, he meant - yes? "He asked me why I abandoned my mom even though she took me in and helped me at my helpless time." And what did you tell him? Okay, I'm at a sticking point until I know what both parties said - could you be a sweetie and go into that for me? I'll just cordon this rest off for now (I don't read ahead in opening posts) and wait for you to (hopefully) post again anon. :) _________________________________________________________________________________________________________- "He began to pressure me and I got angry and said I never asked for her to be my mom and other emotional things. He told me to calm down and that if I don't at least text my mom, he will ruin my relationship. My cousin was the one who helped my S/O forgive me and my cousin was the one who had to listen to me cry and complain every day. He was there to give me reassurance and I know I annoyed him a great deal. I can understand that he was fed up with both my mom and I. I asked him why he would do that and he said I know how to calm you down, but I also know how to keep you in your place. I was terrified as I knew or felt that he was capable of this because he saw me at my worst and knew all of my worst secrest that I didn't want to tell anyone else (besides mom and him). Our phone conversation ended in me quietly agreeing to contact my mom. I then got a screenshot of the texts my mom sent him. She had accused him and his mother (my aunt, her sister in law) of taking away her family, including me, from her. She at first said she will beg his mother to forgive her and me because she believed that my cousin and his mother wanted to convince me to commit suicide (I also have BPD and have attempted twice, nothing to to with my cousin whatsoever). Today she told him that she believed my cousin and his mom were trying to isolate me from my friends and family (when in fact she had been the one doing it). She believes that they wanted me to take my own life again. She ssaidthat she will protect me no matter what and that if I do attempt to do it again, that she will "make them pay" for plotting hee daughter's suicide . I feel like this is illegal as she is making accusations against them that they are plotting my death and that she is also threatening the safety of my cousin and possibly his family. At this point I don't know what to do. I came clean about a lot of the things I have been hiding to my SO as I wasn't ready to tell him before that. Still, I was terrified that my cousin was so fed up with my mom and terrified for his family's safety that he is actually willing to wreck my realtionship, but he wasn't willing to take legal action as she is still family. I know I can never repay him for what he's done for me and having to deal with me at my worst, but I also know he is a very strategic person and if he wanted to, he probably could wreck my life. I also don't want my mom back in my life because I don't feel that I am in a mentally healthy enough place to maintain my romantic relationship, a full time job, therapy and her negative influences on me. I am very desperate and I don't know what to do. Please help"

PS: for now - I noticed this - ""I had no inclination to believe that he wanted to fight over money but I was tired of dealing with a paranoid mom who didn't truly want me to happy in a romantic relationship outside of her existence."" - her not wanting you to be happy in a r/ship - flies complete in the fact of her action of having assisted, along with cuz, in mediating and patching your relationship up. Didn't you notice? Or is that an error on my part due to the slightly hard-to-follow timelines?