Is no answer the answer?

I had a group of friends from high school and we stayed friends through college and beyond. We are all almost thirty now. I would have thought that since we lasted so many years we would continue to last. Around age 27 people started really going in different directions. I was single and struggling with dating (now finally happily in a healthy relationship!) two of the girls where living with serious boyfriends, one girl was still partying excessively, and one moved away for a new job. I distanced myself for a little bit as I was feeling insecure about being single but also not as interested in excessive partying anymore. and started spending time with other friends from work because we had that in common. However I did still reach out and we would see each other for special occasions and events. I will say that I did start feeling pretty disconnected just because of how our lives were going in different directions. One of the girls I'll call her A, was always the most absent one ever since we all started being friends in high school. She wouldn't come around much and that would irritate the other to the point where one girl told A she didn't want to be friends anymore which created some awkward tension. I was always the one who would defend A because I understand that people have their reasons why they can't come around often. Anyways, fast forward and I end of having some issues with one of the girls ill call M. M and I met up so work out the issue but A showed up and involved herself yet did not say what her issue with me was. M and I resolved the issue. M and A had been getting super close which is totally fine of course.This was about a year ago. M still assures me that she has no issue and everything was resolved. It's great that they have become so close and that's totally within their right. However for about a year they have been doing sooo many things together and would NEVER invite me. I had even talked to A about it twice. Of course it's totally fine for them to do things just the two of them but since we are a friend group wouldn't it make sense for me to be included at least some times????? The girl who had moved away is not involved here of course since she is in another state. But sometimes they would invite our friend H from our group as well. Also A would include her friend O who isn't from the group but seems nice. Even after talking to A nothing changed and I dropped the topic but would reach out to see how she was doing and stuff. I never received any reciprocity. I decided not to attend her wedding shower (wasn't in the wedding) because I was feeling like that was a big ask from someone who didn't make even the slightest efforts with me. I did attend her wedding and gave a super generous gift. She didn't even include me in the pictures she took with the other girls from our friend group. I haven't said anything to her since and haven't heard anything from her either. I've since reconnected a bit with H and a bit with M. Generally I feel a lot of disconnect with all of them to be honest minus the girl who moved away. It's become unattractive to me to pour my energy into people who don't reciprocate. However, I know that I probably have a role here and it's been eating at me trying to figure out what to do. My therapist advised me to reach out to people 1:1 and then ultimately wait for the tables to turn which they inevitably will. A was the only one who seemed not interested in reconnecting. So I guess the advice I'm looking for here is whether I should approach A for one last conversation? At the very least get some closure? Or do I cut my losses and take the hint? I don't want to go where I'm not wanted and valued. I'ved changed a lot as a person over the past few years. I'm more cognizant of my people pleasing tendencies and have way more self respect. Generally a lot of friendships have felt less attractive to me since I've changed because I have more self love and respect and am seeking out healthier relationships. Do I need to part with this friend group?

Welcome, CTYTCHR, and apologies for the delay. Someone will be with your shortly. Meantime, feel free to read others' threads and post your thoughts, comments and opinions (and I'm asking them to do likewise). :)

At the end of the day, you'll count your true friends on one hand throughout your entire life. Yep, you've grown up & realised that your friendship isn't cheap & that the people who realise that, will be the ones who will become firm friends & who will value your company & your conversations/opinions etc. In other words they will value you for who you are. One of those people is who you are with in a happy relationship now, but others will also be in your life for their own reasons. Only you will know if you NEED this friend group you describe because only you know them properly, but as you describe them, there's some selfish & self centred people amongst them. Where you are now will also let you make wise decisions when it comes to other people. If they won't want your friendship & you're not on their radar, then so be it & all you need to do is just walk on. One of the most important lifelong friends you'll ever meet is the one looking at you in the mirror every morning...but you already know that. Cheers & have a happy life.

At the end of the day, you'll count your true friends on one hand throughout your entire life. Yep, you've grown up & realised that your friendship isn't cheap & that the people who realise that, will be the ones who will become firm friends & who will value your company & your conversations/opinions etc. In other words they will value you for who you are. One of those people is who you are with in a happy relationship now, but others will also be in your life for their own reasons. Only you will know if you NEED this friend group you describe because only you know them properly, but as you describe them, there's some selfish & self centred people amongst them. Where you are now will also let you make wise decisions when it comes to other people. If they won't want your friendship & you're not on their radar, then so be it & all you need to do is just walk on. One of the most important lifelong friends you'll ever meet is the one looking at you in the mirror every morning...but you already know that. Cheers & have a happy life.

"So I guess the advice I'm looking for here is whether I should approach A for one last conversation? At the very least get some closure? Or do I cut my losses and take the hint? I don't want to go where I'm not wanted and valued." Your closure is there for the taking - via this question: Would you...EVER have treated a friend like she has done, even after they'd tried to help you? Deliberately and knowingly ostracised solely her from and denied solely her very existence in this long-term group? For NO CRIME THAT SHE KNEW OF ON HER PART? If not - why not? Yes, precisely! WHICH SHE IS *NOT*. So that makes her.... What now?

There WILL, however, be strong sentimental attachment to that grouping though, very tightly bound ropes. But you're an Elastic Heart so.....just carry on with the baby steps, shuffling awaaay, shuffling awaaay, oooh, so busy at work,....awayyyy..... (dot in the distance). Then when you feel SAFE is when you untie the ropes and let GO of the ropes ...and watch them caterpault at supersonic speed, back to her ....IN HER FACE. They cannot STAND being walked away from (or suddenly realising you have but not having noticed you go because you shuffled imperceptibly). Or there's the next meeting (probably summer) and you go - Who's for an ice-cream, I'll go buy us one....and just never come back. Whomever texts gets this: Nah, I decided you lot were cold enough...see ya, wouldn't wanna be ya. Just not - ever-ever-ever - BOO-HOO, why are you being so MEAN to meee? Always: EW...YOU SMELL....ew...yuck...get away from me, uuugh. Even just vibed. Just whatever you do or don't do - do it properly and consistently. Yup...you think you know people... Some of them are out-of-order or fake and you just haven't seen them in whatever circumstance as proves their tipping point, wherepon, OUT comes their arse and it's huge and shocking and-and. Invasion Of The Body Snatchers: Who the beeping beep are you and what you have you done with (name)?! "I don't under-STAND it, she was NEVER like this before?!". That's Covert for ya (hidden....COMPLETELY, EVEN FOR DECADES, "until". E.g. you become the next target.).

"I was always the one who would defend A because I understand that people have their reasons why they can't come around often" Can't or won't. But what was hers?

PS: "At the end of the day, you'll count your true friends on one hand throughout your entire life." Yup. Tight friendships (where they'd want to be the person to take your call even at 3am if, say, you were upset or had a crisis, and would feel offended if they found-out you hadn't), take regular effort and upkeep, and getting-together at least once per fortnight at a minimum (and in the interim, a text exchange or phonecall). And when you factor in your everyday life minutae - job, weekly chores, personal grooming, errands, phonecalls, things from left-field landing in your lap, admin and banking, family get-togethers, necessary Me Days, etc., etc. - any more than 2 (or 3 at the most if you exclude mere acquaintances), in practical application, tends to be found to be pushing it and 'diluting' your limited availability. PLUS, as Manalone also says - you should be your own best friend, making it 3-4 of you. But if you're romantically partnered up on top of all that, maybe only 1 or 2 close friends/quasi siblings. Quality over quantity ANY day! Anyway, this A sounds like an emotionally cruel b*tch (AND cow) to me. And how come none of the others defended your right to be included in those photos? Sorry, if it'd been MY friend, I'd have said - Listen, if she's not in it, neither am I (and watched everyone follow suit, as per - "baaaaa-aa-aaa"). What a bunch of self-interested cowards. Weaklings, basically. Or again - don't want to be the bully's next target (they have to have a target-any target, can't be without). The fact you find it atrocious behaviour AND THEY DIDN'T tells you all you need to know: they are not fit to lick your boots. So what are you doing still hanging around a load of stunted wimps? Answer: because you and they have history which makes it harder - yeh? This isn't a case of, Are they cows or not? It's about, yikes - highest diving-board, queue of kids behind me...one, two, three, JUMP! You won't FEEL or MISS much because the hole they've been occupying of late is too tiny. The thought is worse than the reality (always).

You also need to know that the EFFECT they have on you (drip-drip-drip) lowers your social allure. Minute you get rid - grieve for a few weeks - suddenly you have new 'applicants' presenting themselves spontaneously. And you HAVE a vacancy so you're interested! Or vice-versa! Put it this way, given humans' ability to SENSE things: who would want to become your full-time project partner if their desk still had the ex-partner's stuff all over it and inside the drawers, briefcase on the chair-seat, still? What vacancy - where?? Clear their desk.