Girl is obsessed with my boyfriend

I’m not sure if there is much else that I can do differently or that my boyfriend can do. The situation makes me so uncomfortable and I feel like this girl would do anything in her power to get me out of the picture so she could have a shot with my boyfriend (even though she still would not). I think she has delusional beliefs that she would. In her small defense he has a very gregarious and fun personality and he’s very good looking and she is not the first woman to believe there was something there when there is not. To lay the back story… him and I have been on and off due to long distance. Once when I came to visit I apparently met her and her then boyfriend but it was in a group and a long time ago so I didn’t really remember her at all. During our mostly off period over the last year, he hung out with this girl a decent amount as she is best friends with his best friend’s wife. So they would all constantly be at the same events, etc. She made it known to him in no uncertain terms that she wanted to date and sleep with him (it sounded like it might have been brought up on more than one occasion), to which he gently rejected/let her down. He swears nothing inappropriate ever occurred between them and he wanted to keep it that way because of the friend group and how much he hates drama. Fast forward, him and I start talking again and get back together. I decide to move to end the long distance issue. I posted on a FB group for the new area because I wanted to try and find friends since I would be leaving an amazing and loving friend group behind, I included a picture of myself for the algorithm. This girl, who at the time I had no idea who she was, immediately messages me and demands to know if I am the ex of “Nick” and says she thinks she met me when I visited him once. My post clearly states that I am moving to the city he lives and she was clearly fishing for info. I tell her the bare minimum that we are back together and yes I am moving to be closer to him, and we probably did meet a long time ago. She apparently also sent a screenshot of my post to him immediately, before I had responded to her, saying “isn’t this your ex? Why is she moving here?” Etc.. even though they hung out quite a bit, they are not close emotionally and she knows nothing of his personal life, he generally keeps that pretty private. So he also responds and lets her know that yes I am moving and we are back together. She starts pushing how much she wants to be my friend when I get here (to both of us). My boyfriend also informed me that a girl he dated seriously during our off time had become friends with this same girl after they met once at the mutual best friend’s wedding. Then they broke up shortly after that friendship formed. It is hard for me not to believe that her only motive for wanting to be my friend is to get inside information on my boyfriend (what makes him happy, what it’s like to be with him, what do we fight about, etc.) and even possibly for her to try and use that information to split us up. It’s possible she did that in his previous relationship too. After the first initial messages she sent me friend and follow requests on social media which I accepted at first. Not knowing exactly all of the above info I now know. Once I got moved I started making my own friends. I didn’t really feel comfortable with being friends with this girl so I didn’t pursue at all. Then next thing we know she’s at our local gym constantly (he told me she doesn’t live in our area). The first time we run into her she tells my boyfriend’s name across the gym to get his attention, so we come over and say hi. The interaction couldn’t have been more awkward and forced. I tried to be nice regardless. She messages me immediately after I leave the gym that we need to hang out and sends her phone number. I play nice and say that sounds great but I never text her. This has happened to me plenty for I’m sure various reasons so I thought she wouldn’t read too much into it. Maybe a week or so later, she texts my boyfriend on Valentines Day that she is lonely and needs more friends and asks him to please try and coordinate with her for us to all meet up so she can be friends with me. My boyfriend doesn’t respond as he already knows I’m not keen on the idea. Throughout the month or two I’m connected with her on social media she deactivates her account like 4 times and immediately reactivates within a day or two. My boyfriend and I celebrate the anniversary of our first kiss which means a lot to us both even though we’ve had some on and off, as it’s when our relationship went from a year of friendship to something romantic and meaningful. We have an epic weekend and I share a lot to social media about it and how happy we are. She unfriends me and unfollows me (I noticed because she was always the first person to look at my story unless she had deactivated her account). I thought at first her account was deactivated but no it’s active and she is of course still following my boyfriend. He shares very little to social media and very rarely about our relationship. I am sure she is going to be a recurring theme in our life because of the mutual friend. How do I handle this? My boyfriend and I have been back together for 5 months now with no sign that she is over this “crush” or “obsession” she has with him. It scares me a little. He’s done nothing to lead her on or give her hope and her level of pushiness, obsession and lack of self-respect or restraint give me great pause. Would she do me harm if she could? Would she try and find some way to sabotage our relationship and cause issues between us? I just don’t know how to handle such an uncomfortable situation. I hope that it all blows over and she moves on but it doesn’t seem like she has any self-control or the ability to have healthy boundaries for herself (if she knew seeing us together would hurt then why follow/friend me in the first place). I also believe her text to my boyfriend was an outright manipulative lie. She is always hanging out with people and seems to have no shortage of friends both on social media and in person. So her demand that I need to be her friend because she has none, lacks any sort of veracity and reeks of ulterior motives. I’m very thankful that he has not forced me to be her friend and has listened to what I’m comfortable with and I don’t know what else he can do in this situation either. It has created a stressful situation where it feels like a lose-lose. The only true solution seems to be for her to accept and move on but I’ve seen no sign that she is or will be doing that any time soon. Does anyone have any insight or advice?? I’m at a loss for how to handle this weird and uncomfortable situation.

Get your BF to man up whether he dislikes drama or not, & tell her direct what her best option is when it comes to interfering in his relationship with you. If he respects you & your relationship together, it'll be an easy thing for him to explain to her that he has been with you for the previous 5 months & that you are in fact, a couple. If she persists with her silly crushing & inane demands, then it could be interpreted that she is stalking you guys because she has been warned off by your BF. Work as a team, rise above it & get on with living your life.

I get where you’re coming from with that response but she’s been so sneaky about everything how is he supposed to call her out and be direct? She could argue that her friends wanted to go to our gym and that’s why she’s always there, etc. And I’m not sure why/what she would argue for trying to push to be my friend but I’m sure she would come up with some convincing lie. She seems to always get what she wants in life or she throws temper tantrums when she does not (thus the dramatic behavior of deactivating and unfollowing). She posted a thirst trap of her in a bikini and my boyfriend did not like the post although he had liked most of her previous more innocent posts. She deactivated her account the next day for a bit and she deactivated it on/before Vday again. I think if she does anything else that is more direct and confrontational with me or him that he would probably say something even though he avoids conflict, but so far she’s just created a pretty terribly awkward social situation for us all. She’s causing drama because she can’t have him and because she cannot force me to be her friend. We will both unfortunately probably have to deal with her in the future and I also hate drama and do not want to make this any worse than she has made it. I guess I was looking more for suggestions of subtle ways that he or I could get her to accept the situation and move on. Something not so obvious or direct.

I don't understand why you guys just don't stand up to this woman & tell her where to get off. You've spent more than enough time analysing the issue & the answer doesn't have to be difficult or convoluted. The woman's a self centred individual with an obviously skewed personality with a crush on your BF. Why give her the satisfaction? because the more you dick around with this, the more you're playing into her hands. You need to get off social media etc & just let it be because once you guys start making moves to cut her off & get her out of your lives, then you've made a decision to do so, without the mucking around & looking for other ways to shut her down subtlety as you suggest. One thing you need to understand is that it's none of her business what you guys do as a couple; absolutely none!..so again, don't give her the satisfaction by playing her game.

Because the solution to everything isn’t massive confrontation which can create nasty ripples for years. It’s a small community and if she does have a lot of friends here then I would be doing myself a disservice by making an absolute enemy out of her because I’m new here and that would just give me a bad reputation. Right now I have done nothing wrong and my boyfriend has done nothing wrong, if we confront her in some way she could easily twist anything we do or say to make us into the bad guys and she would have proof to show people. As it stands she would look and sound like the crazy, obsessed person that she is. I speak from experience here. I had a girl back home spread lies and rumors about me for years because I didn’t want to be her friend and I made the mistake of telling her that instead of just ghosting the friendship (yet another woman in her 30’s not a 20-something) I don’t love avoidance or ghosting, it’s 100% against my personality type to do either but I fully understand why people do those things sometimes when trying to deal with the issue creates worse repercussions and drama. My post was asking for advice on what we could do that wouldn’t stir up any drama or make things worse. Your advice is quite the opposite. You could just say that it sounds like we’re inbetween a rock and a hard place and you have no advice.

Because the solution to everything isn’t massive confrontation which can create nasty ripples for years. It’s a small community and if she does have a lot of friends here then I would be doing myself a disservice by making an absolute enemy out of her because I’m new here and that would just give me a bad reputation. Right now I have done nothing wrong and my boyfriend has done nothing wrong, if we confront her in some way she could easily twist anything we do or say to make us into the bad guys and she would have proof to show people. As it stands she would look and sound like the crazy, obsessed person that she is. I speak from experience here. I had a girl back home spread lies and rumors about me for years because I didn’t want to be her friend and I made the mistake of telling her that instead of just ghosting the friendship (yet another woman in her 30’s not a 20-something) I don’t love avoidance or ghosting, it’s 100% against my personality type to do either but I fully understand why people do those things sometimes when trying to deal with the issue creates worse repercussions and drama. My post was asking for advice on what we could do that wouldn’t stir up any drama or make things worse. Your advice is quite the opposite. You could just say that it sounds like we’re inbetween a rock and a hard place and you have no advice.

I'll take a look at this later for you as well, Cordilla. Bear with.

Hey-hey. Going to take this one-by-one, because my nosie smells Covert and it's veeeery missable yet still feelable/affectable, meaning, titchy-tiny, over-copious threads all tangled together, meaning, 'We're gonna need a bigger boat' (namme the film!) - and magnifying glass. ...slippery, shape-shifty, master of sneaky semantics, all of that....cowardly hateful weasel throwing invisible, heat-seaking missiles from behind her trembly little sandbags. Angry Wimp (but clever with it, as well as nutjob with it...NOT a good mixture). Don't know if she's Cerebral or Somatic yet. If she's noth - we're talking Narcissistic Sociopath or even just anywhere in the bloody neighbourhood of the two or even just trying to copy the basstds cos she thinks it's clever...Whatever, Trevor... still pigging disturbs and hurts! We just have to know what they and their favourite modus operandii are in order to best know how to - in THIS tricky case - TURN HER RIGHT OFF HIM! With a lovely, perfectly social smile on his face. "Out-Narc the Narc". It's for when you're TRAPPED with the uggers, like you two are. ...Poor yous. ;( Hope you haven't lost sleep over it all? First-off, however... "not the first woman to believe there was something there when there is not." Interestink... Does part of him like the attention, which they're taking as encouragement, or are you two experiencing a run-in with the or one of the village Narcs (pathological envy (of you), over-entitlement, covert aggressiveness, button-pushing, not taking No for an answer)? Or is he absolutely secretly terrified of confrontation with a woman whom, by her offensive, even antisocial decisions so far do support the suspicion that she's the type would LOVE a public scene? Or maybe incite you two to one and sit back and enjoy getting you two to lose the plot in front of everyone, whom, not knowing the backstory would naturally think you two were the unstable and disturbed ones? Oh, all the tricks. But do answer that one or anything in between, peas/tanks. "In her small defense he has a very gregarious and fun personality" She shouldn't have any defense. So what does this gregariousness and fun personality look and sound like when he's talking to her and other women? Let's start with that and take it from there. But doughnut worry. Seen this loads. Very common. They're not nearly subtle enough for me and I'm trickier. So will you two be once you've put this idioetesse back in her place. Easy-peasy-Covert-squeezy. :) Let's see if we can even make it FUN for you both - as well as (if need be - T.B.A.) raise husband's confidence at handling these types SOLO in the future! Another question: is she the village bike, secretly? Another: how does she dress. Is she (a) cleavage only (b) thighs only (c) show both merchant? Is she "bawdy"? Does she take liberties with people? Or is the she epitomy of respectability, normally. Even a pillar of the community? (And name the film ;))

Wait up....hang ooon a cotton pickin' minute: "(In her small defense he has a very gregarious and fun personality and he’s very good looking and she is not the first woman to believe there was something there when there is not.) "To lay the back story… him and I have been on and off due to long distance." How many times did you break up? In what way(s) was the distance to blame? What did it cause? "Once when I came to visit I apparently met her and her then boyfriend but it was in a group and a long time ago so I didn’t really remember her at all. During our mostly off period over the last year, he hung out with this girl a decent amount as she is best friends with his best friend’s wife. So they would all constantly be at the same events, etc. She made it known to him in no uncertain terms that she wanted to date and sleep with him (it sounded like it might have been brought up on more than one occasion), to which he gently rejected/let her down. He swears nothing inappropriate ever occurred between them and he wanted to keep it that way because of the friend group and how much he hates drama." Have you seen any sign to suggest this close couple would prefer his wife's best friend to be dating your boyfriend? (Yup, this is all sounding rather 'carbon-copy'.) What kind of adult(?) woman would literally offer her time and body as a first offer, like that? Be my boyfriend and you can have sex without working for it? How unrefined and unladylike is THAT! (Does she have a hairy or plucked chest???) That's tantamount to throwing her knickers in his face! In 2024???? What is she - a female Baboon??? See why I'm shocked? "Fast forward, (he) and I start talking again and get back together. I decide to move to end the long distance issue." What - to make the constant suspicion and insecurity go away? To take control of the whole situation FOR him? Did he OFFER that information of her cheap come-on or did something happen as led to his disclosure becoming apropos and appropriate? (It could only hurt you, yes? Was that necessary at the time he told you?) "I posted on a FB group for the new area because I wanted to try and find friends since I would be leaving an amazing and loving friend group behind, I included a picture of myself for the algorithm. This girl, who at the time I had no idea who she was, immediately messages me and demands to know if I am the ex of “Nick” and says she thinks she met me when I visited him once. My post clearly states that I am moving to the city he lives and she was clearly fishing for info. I tell her the bare minimum that we are back together and yes I am moving to be closer to him, and we probably did meet a long time ago. *She apparently also sent a screenshot of my post to him immediately, before I had responded to her, saying “isn’t this your ex? Why is she moving here?” Etc.. even though they hung out quite a bit, they are not close emotionally and she knows nothing of his personal life, he generally keeps that pretty private. So he also responds and lets her know that yes I am moving and we are back together. She starts pushing how much she wants to be my friend when I get here (to both of us).* In other words (equally possibly), 'Is it true you're his ex like he's told me you are'. (Are you in a foreign country, speaking/learning its language ny any chance?) Because it sounds more to me that she was fishing for VERIFICATION of what she'd been told, REGARDLESS of what your FB profile said. Picture it: "Ohhh, she won't let go and move on...but I want to let her down gently because she's been through tough times, lately" (my mind would go: What, like - You? YOU were the tough time?). Going off boyfriend at this point, sozzies... Methinks he's encouraged this set-up TO hurry you up with moving over (regrettfully, given the lovely friends) and in with him.... PREMATURELY, DO I PRESUME? I'll keep reading... "My boyfriend also informed me that a girl he dated seriously during our off time had become friends with this same girl after they met once at the mutual best friend’s wedding. Then they broke up shortly after that friendship formed. It is hard for me not to believe that her only motive for wanting to be my friend is to get inside information on my boyfriend (what makes him happy, what it’s like to be with him, what do we fight about, etc.) and even possibly for her to try and use that information to split us up. It’s possible she did that in his previous relationship too." Did Off-Time mean you both thought you were over? He likes to keep you fidgety, doesn't he, C. Have you noticed that theme? HAVE you stood back to see the bigger picture yet? ...On the very very tips of your toes, needing to force yourself to act non-cautiously fast because your boyfriend seems to be a sitting duck to any single females around, otherwise. There are too many ways to give women the message that you're off-limits. FOR EXAMPLE: allow yourself to have bad breath that night and stand too close-up, face-to-facially, "Hhhhhhhhhhhhhulllo! Hhhhhhhhhhhhow nice to su-HEEEEEEEEEEE HHHHHyou!" That's a right (handy) turn-off, that is. (evil, world-dominating cackle) (sneaky, aren't I, hahahaha). Burping and farting (only around them) is another good one. Here's the best one: He carries on being 'gregarious' but goes on and on and ON AND OOOON about how great YOU are, how in-LOVE he is, how HAPPY, she says this and she thinks that..... OOH, NOOOO! ROCKET-SCIENCE! (Yes, if you mean the Toys R Us version.) (ffs...) Let's 'hats-off' for a tick. Let's allow him benefit of the doubt: Is he very good-looking but...a lil bit thick?...maybe? If not - no excuse - HE could have thought of that one! What - my motivation and risk to investment's greater than his where protecting his long-term future happiness through wanting to protect you is concerned? Oh, well - marry me or Manalone, then! (joke) (yikes) "After the first initial messages she sent me friend and follow requests on social media" So, potentially, she confronted, he dumped, blocked her from his page? Or, not blocked and, believing you over him, wanting a means to keep checking on that score? This is a very important question. " which I accepted at first. Not knowing exactly all of the above info I now know. Once I got moved I started making my own friends. I didn’t really feel comfortable with being friends with this girl" OBVIOUSLY not. "so I didn’t pursue at all. Then next thing we know she’s at our local gym constantly (he told me she doesn’t live in our area)." Too transparent. Call the anti-Narc Police! No, wait, I'm here already. (Lemmie at'em, LEMMIE AT'EM!) She's a mistress type FOR-SURE. Little Miss No-One's Going To Stop Me, I'm Better Than Her, Watch Me Steal/Syphon Him. While he lets her...JUST ENOUGH to keep keeping you for too unhealthily long on the your toe-NAILS. See it? "The first time we run into her she (calls) my boyfriend’s name across the gym to get his attention, so we come over and say hi." A bloke who's trying to avoid her attentions beyond friendship would have WAVED and even SAID to you - "Let's just wave then get straight to looking busy/uninterruptable (let's snog, for example).' (...Tooo many ways.) "The interaction couldn’t have been more awkward and forced. I tried to be nice regardless. She messages me immediately after I leave the gym that we need to hang out and sends her phone number. I play nice and say that sounds great but I never text her." Well done. "This has happened to me plenty for I’m sure various reasons so I thought she wouldn’t read too much into it." If ever she confronts you, say, 'Well, it's not really appropriate, is it, if you think about it: You're his Ex' (and watch her jaw drop OR want to immediately convince you otherwise (babble-babble-splutter) instead of horrifiedly staring in shock and miscomprehension before asking what on earth has made you think that, is it something I'VE done?...?) HAH! I see where this is going. He's stupid Michael Douglas and thinks no harm in messing around when wifey's out of town but picks on the wrong woman - in Fatal Attraction. He's bitten off more than he can chew! Yeah, well, let's swat her away then get his round objects in a vice (Clint Eastward voice) "Your turn,...Punk.......Go ahead,....make my day..." and tell him how it's going to be from now on. Or decide he's not worthy of you hence trying to (I suspect so far) reduce you so he looks less unworthy - or simply because he's Attention/Public Validation Pacman. "Maybe a week or so later, she texts my boyfriend on Valentines Day that she is lonely and needs more friends and asks him to please try and coordinate with her for us to all meet up so she can be friends with me." Transparent as hell. "My boyfriend doesn’t respond as he already knows I’m not keen on the idea." How (all things considered) passive. And why didn't she just ask YOU. What is he - your P.A.? Or her Secretary? (Could you just pass me your boyfriend's b*lls for a sec., please? I know a quick way to make them twice the size, see.) What is it, to him, that makes knowing you're suffering protractedly like this, worth it? Not too nervous to be the local Flirt but only when it comes to putting stop to your suffering. Yup. Trying to cut you down to his size or smaller because HE cheats and doesn't explode so why wouldn't/couldn't YOU? Could be. So now I know YOU'RE a looker - AND naturally charming or alluring with it, eh. And/or with Je Ne Sais Quoi (charisma). "Better" than him. Don't even NEED to ASK or play-up for attention? Correct? He's been watching YOU, hasn't he. "Throughout the month or two I’m connected with her on social media she deactivates her account like 4 times and immediately reactivates within a day or two." Trying to re-set something??? ('Try turnin' it off 'n then on again'). (Going to break and start new page - smaller bite-sizes plus need to eat.)

PS: Failure to Do or Do Properly and Not Just What They Say but Whether, How & When, plus, Failure to Say' is another Covert specialism. Etiology: abuse via parental and/or peer Neglect - either with or without Abuse too - despite surface-level Spoiling/indulging/over-praising for STUFF AND THINGS THEY ACHIEVE...ach... e.g. Deprived of real nutritients but superficial stuff galore.

He might not have messed around, though. Just wafted Catnip under her nose to get her to think she's in for some and 'follow him around' like she's doing. To, as I say, place pressure on you to hurry up. Which is NOT ON!

But "Maybe a week or so later, she texts my boyfriend on Valentines Day that she is lonely and needs more friends " How do you know what she posted? Did you see? Or, what he told you she said? Would you choose Valentine's Day of all days to talk about platonic friendship? Isn't that just socially inappropriate? What could it achieve but to put a downer on some couple-half's special day? Like a fancy restaurant with tables featuring reminders to remember the starving children in Africa - eat all your Greens? PFFFFFF. WELL-timed, more like! What does it ACTUALLY say if you tell a man on his own on V Day, his romantic partner not able to be with him, when you've shown you're after him, that your LONELY ON VALENTINE'S DAY? Come get me, big boy? Isn't that trying to prey on him when he's down? Mr Defenseless Bunny-Wunny, Butter-Wouldn't Melt, who reckons the only solution is a confrontation that could damage your images so - "awwww" - we can't do NUFFINK, then, aww... WHAT'S HIS JOB? I can see now why Mannie said he should Man Up. PERSON Up, even! Quasi Ignorance, it's called. Another specialist tool/weapon of your Narc Coverts and Narc Sociopaths ("All-or-Anyverts"): "Me? I'm not doing ANYTHIIIINGGGG" / "Precisely. And all you can suggest, is what CANNOT be done. To the point where you have to ask US. _________________ "(if she knew seeing us together would hurt then why follow/friend me in the first place)." Because it doesn't "hurt". It insults her over-insultable (sick) ego. Her ego needs the ego-win because hunting hasn't been too successful, lately, or she hasn't made ENOUGH kllls or the hole she's trying to fill isn't the correct one (pun unintentional) so she's PERTUALLY hungry for ego-feeding? Or ego injury because ubeknownst to you, while you werent there, he's taken chunks out of her and she wants them back (and revenge for using her - and he's talking ollocks about her having made some bawdy baboon seduction attempt). Maybe he bedded her but never followed up. Or made like he would/could. Malignant Narcs are known for serial affairs, and N-Spaths for building a secret harem ('A girl in every port'). Because that's how constantly needy their puny little sick egos ARE. But she's very tenacious....somewhat obsessed - or compulsed - or both? Yes, in case he's NOT lying/twisting - best to hold fire, plan with caution, based on closesr examination, and then 'strike' (UNDER the table). Out-Narc-ing the Narc (she's clearly controlling and coercing). This is stalking 'minoris', IMO...a stalking bud. Harrassment. Depending on frequency, duration, weight, regularity, and emotional distress caused (and whether he indeed failed deliberately to discourage properly) - you wouldn't be out-of-order nor deem-able as perfectly sensible and practical were you to log your concerns with your local Police (or next town along if you explain the delicacy?...just having it logged). I mean, a double-check with the gym (member sign-in book) to verify one of your claimed incidents would be instantly do-able. (Any other incidents that would have got recorded or witnessed?) After we get her properly pegged, I mean, so's not to inflame her/the situation. At the very least it's cler she's a bit too on the over-fixated side already. More fool him if he's been manipulating her to tuinto rn her a human pressure-placing, emotionally blackmailing tool and loudly-ticking stop-watch, then. If he has - that'd be him coercing and controlling PEOPLE - which is Narc-Psychopathic as opposed to Narc-Sociopathic who tries to contrive situations. Generally. Or maybe he's both? due to comorbidity? He's effing insecure and paranoid if so. Maybe her type needs only the TINIEST encouragement if married with failure to say, EFF OFF, LUV, ALL YOU'RE ACHIEVING IS MAKING A RIGHT WEIRDO-PEST AND FOOL OF YOURSELF. Or a simple, 'I'm taken. Accept that finally or stay away altogether', maybe adding, 'before you destroy our friendship (, Little Miss "I'm-So-Lonely-Need-Friends"). I don't think she gives a hoot about friends and doesn't feel lonely - just feels the silence (dangerous to her psyche) where she needs constant chatter/distractions/drama of the on-legs variety. Maybe she truly IS lonely and so much so she's desperate for a fella because romantic relationships are nowadays Insta whereas not so friendships, and she doesn't HAVE time - and he's spotted this and taken advantage of it along with her puny or shrunken morals and willpower? But if she's that "huntress" (role-reversing and male-emasculating more like!) then surely it would be easier to find an available one (on a dating app)? She could be prostituting herself and her body in her desperation to simply have steady company (or said silence-filler), i.e. 'Swap you sex for friendship?'. Sorry, just processing out-loud... Nah. I reckon he's hooked her and she somehow can't get free but isn't too worried about that while so intent on pursuing a huge ego-boost into the bargain (silence blocker, ego-score, combined..two for the price of one). ...But - nah. Because she had too much practised chutzpah in daring to approach you (with a weak cover story). She's smelling Female Spathy to me. Angry Boy in Grown-Up suit then in Female Suit. Like a ruddy Russian Doll. (I hate them. They're so full of themselves.) (haha) But that's Spath female for you. Not womanly. Over-sexually provocative. Over-cocky, Predatory, NOT NERVOUS OF MEN IN TERMS OF HER SAFETY AT ALL, NOTE...Risk-taker?....helps herself to/"borrows" your stuff without asking, trespasses, tries this/that angle of attack in short space of time. Plays Damsel In Distress as her love-bombing/lring technique? Puts on a girlie-girlie-cutesie act? Yet COULD be a transgender or an highly convincingly done transvestite? Is her gym gear inappropriately or needlessly sexy, figure-hugging? Talks in a silly, babyish voice, lies about her age? - borrows mobey, barely works, fiddles welfare? - gets fired/changes jobs a lot or prefers to work alone? - any of those? What about photo-rape? - Just nefore you click she shoves her face right in front of the lens, blocking and ruining your shot of other people, in a "Ta-daaa, here I am - the star!" way (ie. got to be the centre of everything)?...talks too loudly and animatedly and never pauses? (or the opposite - silent and other-studying?). Does she like kids? Is she flaky/chaotic/all over the place/life's a seeming train-wreck? Does she lie too much? And even over silly things? Does she drive a car? Is she a weird mixture between cutesie kiddie and leather-jacket-street-smart? Do you feel it's fairenough/reasonable that he daren't say ANYTHING about it to her at this point? IOW, do either of you sense she could unhinge and turn violent? Or 'just' smear you both? Ugh. Just thought of something. If an N-Spath female, she'll shag anything, same as a male NS will (dirty street animals, they secretly are) - for whatever it is she wants.... Maybe she'd decided to try seducing YOU? Maybe transferred her fixation? (Garlic Time! LOL) Which of you has most wealth/assets? Anyhoo, back to your post... ________________ "My boyfriend and I celebrate the anniversary of our first kiss which means a lot to us both even though we’ve had some on and off, as it’s when our relationship went from a year of friendship to something romantic and meaningful." Could it have been romantic and meaningful to him from Day 1 but he agreed to "be friends" as a means of access to more? You're not twins so - who said it meant a lot to them and who said, 'Same here!'? How long after you came out of your abusive relationship did you become friends with this guy? I hope you're not joining accounts or mixing finances, and just paying him rent? And a fair one? How come you had to play the man and go live where the bloke did instead of vice-versa? We have an epic weekend and I share a lot to social media about it and how happy we are. She unfriends me and unfollows me (I noticed because she was always the first person to look at my story unless she had deactivated her account). I thought at first her account was deactivated but no it’s active and she is of course still following my boyfriend. He shares very little to social media and very rarely about our relationship." "our first kiss which means a lot to us both even though we’ve had some on and off" This doesn't sound like genuine bondedness to me. More like Intensity - as well as a 'Girl' Thing with which to pad a hole. Correct? Did he turn out to be wholly unexpectedly out-of-this-world in bed? (Can't wait to hear the reasons behind the stop-starts. Include how long each separation lasted too please.) Wait - she throws foiled spoiled-baby temper-tantrums? Okay. NOT A COVERT. She's an N-Spath, female (ish) (like Grace Jones). They're the stalking kings anyway. The Coverts get their mum or sister/brother to do it....hiding behind, hiding behind, always hiding/cowering behind their chosen 'bodyguard' and ready fall-guy. So in that case, I agree with Manalone's advice: "You need to get off social media etc & just let it be because once you guys start making moves to cut her off & get her out of your lives, then you've made a decision to do so, without the mucking around & looking for other ways to shut her down subtlety as you suggest." It's the easiest, indeed most subtle, wholly undefinable/unproveable tact to take (out-narcing using Plausible Deniability - one of your Covert's AND Spath in Covert/Hooking/Testing Your Boundaries mode's fave tools). She can't react to something if she can't know if she should or not. But do expect a nosy email, asking. ...in which case, compose it like this: H (name), es, we'reexperiencing te0hnical dif//:ties r ight now -00 bear *source*wit? Or say you got banned by FB for advertising your Swinging party, haha. And then tell someone in your circle that you've leaked this false and outrageous gossip deliberately to see who launches it, and to follow its trail (just for mischievious fun or a social experiment, confide about her - whatever). Talk about entrapment? That way, any future attempt to slander/smear won't be believed, either (out-narcing the narc). Or go Grey Rock (google). Go check it out? About this: "...avoidance or ghosting, it’s 100% against my personality type to do either but I fully understand why people do those things sometimes when trying to deal with the issue creates worse repercussions and drama." Against your morals, yes. So do all victims understand. Treat normal people as you normally would (well). But don't waste your fairy dust on fairy-dust haters. Including always telling the truth (it's how they get you), especially about how you feel about anything. "Anything you say to a Narc WILL be taken down and used against you" (at a much later date for the Coverts; they keep caches of ammo in the form of grudges; they squirrel everything) (Squirrel Nutjob by Beer Tricks Potterer haha). Thoughts and responses please, cheers.

(PS: Just so's you know - because we veteran/long-stay posters have fallen into helpful, effective habits/dance-moves, as you do: Manalone identifies "Iffies" and Iffy behaviours (without terminology). When I agree or have time, and/or see the Original Poster needs to understand all the details down to the tiniest atom (which a victim of a Narc does), I then explain it all and how it's working, how to put a stop in more detail. IOW, he sits on the highest hillock, viewing the entire picture of the woods below. If he yells and points, "Someone's started a fire!", when it's forest-fire season, I then see it, run down with my obsessive curiosity, and go - "Who, where, what, why! - is it just they're starving hungry and need to cook a kill, are they trying to burn evidence or something, or just plain risk-taking, immature idiots (or worse) - what?"...with my forensics kit and Dark Light goggles. I'm the investigating & 'arresting' officer, I guess?...and he's the Control Room?? Again, not deliberately, it's just how it's evolved to happen. Or put even simpler: He takes care of the what and who, I sort out the where, when and WHY. But his one-offs are brilliant (he's probably blushing again but he already knows I'm a huge fan) ((shaadap and take it, b*tch, hahaha)). So you were never going to get a long-haul thread with Mannie - although, actually, for him - incredibly enough - you did! :) We've been functioning like this for (crikey!) YEARS, now. Mannie was here long before me! There was another 'Manalone' called 'Susiedqq' used to do the same. Back then we were *really* fast (for us). I think it's well cool and speeds everything up really effectively. That's all. Didn't want you to think you were being deprived when in fact you got posts-PLURAL out of him(!) :) )

Anyway, here's your Frame Of Reference, your 'Template' of how this is SUPPOSED to go: It's HIS friend. It's still his territory (you're too new). HE is duty-bound to sort it out. All he can ask YOU for is support/alliegance ("...Yeah (b*tch) - like MYYY lovely boyfriend just said!"). But what you may OFFER, is to be equal-part teammates (co-defenders). If the bloke DOESN'T sort it out (because he didn't act or not properly and convincingly enough) - ...(Cartman from Southpark's voice, please)... SCUH-REW YOU, GUY! I'M GUU-URN HUURM! _____________ That's it. That simple. Usually the bloke, if he's a REAL grown-up, is so scared of her doing just that that he POUNCES on that toxic bud before it can even CONCEIVE of developing in to a ruddy great thorn-bush or forest and BUGGER what 'the neighbour's' think because (1) THEY aren't the ones who are going to share a bed with him, spend Xmas Day etc. with him, nurse him and pick him up when he's ill/down, let him vent his deepest fears without 'losing face', eeeeeet-CETERAHH, et-CETERAHH, et-CETERAHH (- My Fair Lady - Professor 'Enry 'Iggins). (and Eliza: "Don't tell me. SHOW me!") (growly voice) Don't tell me. Ucking SHOW me! If he doesn't. And you "guuh hurm". Then maybe next time/relationship, he'll do what blokes get trained to do as a matter of course and second nature: Feel the fear and DO IT ANYWAY. Alrighty, missus? Does that clear things up for you in terms of what to expect? If not - have it front of mind as you re-read this thread so far.

Oh - soz... And - (2) YOU TWO CAN JUST MOVE HOUSE/AREA!

Another question (sorry, I'm just going deeper into the detail): "But "Maybe a week or so later, she texts my boyfriend on Valentines Day that she is lonely and needs more friends " How do you know what she posted? Did you see? Or, what he told you she said? Would you choose Valentine's Day of all days to talk about platonic friendship? Isn't that just socially inappropriate? What could it achieve but to put a downer on some couple-half's special day? Like a fancy restaurant with tables featuring reminders to remember the starving children in Africa - eat all your Greens? PFFFFFF. WELL-timed, more like!" Did he tell you immediately, first opportunity, that same day? ___________________ PS: Forgot this for you to compare notes with: google "Narcissist - Romantic Relationship - Triangulation". It's when they bring or encourage in and/or fail to see off again, a third party into your relationship as threatens it via you. They then play both women off of each other, triggering their female-competitive nature to squabble "over" him while he sits back, all powerless for whatever BS reasons, and gets ego-pumped to a huge degree, WATCHING "two women fighting over him". Additionally, she feels she's at threat of losing him so involuntarily CLINGS TO HIM. Now the incredibly insecure bloke (the one who most fears you'll leave HIM) feels less insecure as well as more Normal. And whenever that ego-oxygen leaks out (they have a hole in their 'inflateable', you see) - he knows just what to do to top it up quick, again. I sincerely hope not. But he's doing a very good impression if not. Covert or Sociopathic Narcs tend to include Passive-Aggression as well as Covert-Aggression. Under-The-Table Merchants, as I say. Unless you "push them" too far. And then suddenly they roar and throw things like an N-Spath, which is extra-shocking for the fact the 'mild-mannered gentleman' never so much as said Boo to a Goose. Again, if they're just normal-but-BIT-TOO-HIGH narcissistic, then it's all just for vanity/flattery purposes and they're too insensitive and thoughtless to realise the damage they're doing so you have to give them What For in giant neon letters the first time so they'll never dare do it again - be mummy/daddy and train the uggers (using ego-tasty carrot and flattery). VERY high maintenance for a long while, though.