Betrayed or not betrayed?

I recently discovered that my husband of 20 years modelled for erotic photographs with other women when he was a young man, which are on the web. This was a decade before we met. What bothers me is that he told my best friend (whom I have known for 30 years) and did not tell me (she is his friend as well, but they have only known each other since 2006). Further to this, she kept this a secret from me as well. I feel awful. On the one hand, he trusted her more than me to disclose this bit of his past which makes me feel betrayed. I can’t fault my friend for keeping his secret, but I am upset that she has viewed pictures of his sexual activity with other women and kept it from me!

Yep, that's betrayal & you should sit your husband down & ask him to explain his actions of sharing his pics, regardless of what they are & from when, to help you to understand why you're feeling the way you are. You can indeed fault your 'bestie' because that's the reason you're on this forum because your husband showed her his explicit pics & somehow neglected to show you, but they've both kept it from you. They are, in fact, both betraying you. So now you somehow have to repair the trust of your marriage & confront your best 'friend' & her excuses & it won't be pretty.

Thanks for your thoughtful response. I did some digging when I discovered this email conversation and took screenshots of the messages: apparently the photographer who took the photos contacted my best friend over her poetry (she is a published poet). She dedicated a photogallery to one of m best friend’s poems and put it on her website with a link to the photographer’s website. My husband visited my best friend’s website, followed the link and also saw the galleries featuring him. He then contacted my friend, and explained the situation in case she found the erotic photos of him (and presumably) would be driven to contact me—so perhaps he made a preemptive strike to prevent her from telling me. That’s the only rational explanation I can find.

Rach, my chin was on the floor, reading that! Haven't finished, and only read it quickly, so I'll aim to give my two-pennethworth a bit later, but just wanted - in the meantime - to do this: ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((MASSIVE HUG))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) It's not you. It is NOT YOU. You've done NOTHING to deserve this. NOTHING. That's a psychological FACT - no arguing. Ok? You could be Angelina Jolie crossed with Holy Mary and it wouldn't have changed anything. It's him and then its this so-called friend. Less so her if he'd sworn her to secrecy, under threat of losing their friendship or whatever. He's got one hell of a lot of apologising and making-up-to-you to do, that's for-sure. We can't even say it was a PAST mistake. ...A hell of a lot.

Many thanks!

De nada! I reckon your husband either feels he's never been good enough for you, i.e., wasn't truly as in your league as he made out? - or KNOWS he isn't. (Same thing anyway - if you don't feel it, you act like you don't and in a way that MAKES you not in her league...see how that works?) Or he's always been very insecure where you/any partner's been concerned? Explains the giant secret and desperation to cover it up (and swear friend to confidentiality), huh. Still is NOT the grown-up, respectable, emotionally mature(ish) married-man way to deal with it, is it. Not Husbandly. It's YOU he's supposed to tell everything to. Agree?

And, now, I expect you're wondering WHAT ELSE he's kept from you that was your gf-ly then wifely biz to know, eh! Ssstupid boy... PS: IS there anything else? Does he have quite a Rap-Sheet already? Lots and lots of niggly, annoying, disappointing things?

And yes - QUESTION HIM. And don't, whatever you do, feed him the answers. E.g., Why did you do that...Was it because this or that? Nope. Just Why did you do that/not think to do that? And that's it! Then you sit there and just keep looking at him. Should make him blab (blabber, more like). Even better: secretly tape him...so that you can review the meeting once you've calmed down and can tell what are lies or not. Tried and tested - lots n lots of times. Victims don't know to just ask and shut-up. Understandable, but, still. No....make like an interrogator or a Friendly Interrogator (pretending you can understand it and ah, poor him). SQUH-WEEZE THAT LEMON to see if the juice that comes out from its core is pure or rancid. But - like Mr Spock. You let Capt'n Kirk in and you're done for...manipulable...not able to focus or remember later (hence taping). Hell, write his answers down in a pad as you go. I know I did (heh heh heh). "Why are you writing it down?" / "So I remember it later when I review it all" / splutter-splutter, spill-spill, too self-conscious, can't lie well enough - make HIM the overwrought one, and, OUT IT COMES... Give me your feedback first, though. I'll 'sit with you in the other room' while you do it, if you like?

I mean... "Explains the giant secret and desperation to cover it up (and swear friend to confidentiality), huh." ...why would he CARE if it was no longer "him"? (Ask him THAT one, aawww yesh...) Have FUN with it, mate! Pretend you're Jacques Bergerac or Miss Marple! MAKE HIM SQUI-HUR-HUR-HUUUUURM. He's earned it. ;)

PS forgot to say: "Hell, write his answers down in a pad as you go. I know I did (heh heh heh)." Which was my diversion tactic so that he didn't notice I was taping. So when he ripped my pad away from me, I just sat back and folded my arms, and said, 'No matter, I can remember from here'.... I didn't let the pressure off for one second....but quietly, UNIMPRESSSEDLY... never be Kirk: "Boo-hoo, how could you!". Be Spock: "Ugh...I am soo unimpressed and feel so horribly superior...".

Your friend's loyalty should have been with you, though. However...it takes one's friend being a BRAVE person to play the messenger on that one, thereby being unconditionally loyal as is apropriate by THAT incredible length of friendship tenure. So that's why I'm wondering if he somehow emotionally (or business-ly?) blackmailed her into silence? That...you need to know. Have you spoken to her yet? What did she say in her defence? And is she even free to confess he did - or is that (hypothetical/suspected) threatened consequence to her, not only global but, have an unlimited shelf-life? You'd have to swear to her that you'd not let on that she had spilled those beans. Say you hired a private detective - or whatever...He's lied (daily for deacdes!) (think about it). So you can lie/withhold back. Dems da roolz. Or it is when you're not sure if you married an Iffy, doing iffy stuff on you and behind your back. Better safe than soz. You can confess once it's sorted. ...or keep it to yourself forever? (hahahah - just me jokingly making a point). Talking of joking: see if this can make you giggle, even internally (want to test your DefCon Level): Q: Why did God invent men like your husband? / A: Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.

MORE to the point, though: WHY DID SHE DO THAT...PUBLISH THEM? She must have known it were him - yes? "Hmmmm......" Unless you can put me straight - I smell a little trouble-maker or revenge-seeker... You?

ALSO...that whole act smacks of - well, COUNTS AS, ACTUALLY - Online Abuse. NEITHER THE PHOTOGRAPHER NOR YOUR FRIEND ASKED HIM FOR HIS PERMISSION. You can't go around these days publishing other people's most personal, private, sensitive material like that....WORLDWIDE. He has a case for compensation.

Or if it turns out he just forgot all about them, or is however innocent - you both as a couple do. Not just mortifying but could have done real damage to your marriage/trust (again, if he's innocent but dappy). Age the footage was taken is immaterial. And it was the TWO of them (photog and poet). Double the compensation, yeah, baby. This is potentially bigger than it looks, isn't it.

Even you on your own could sue (for the trauma and damage to your trust in your husband, thanks to them). Because they are BUSINESSES - and you're co-victim/his legal spouse. You'd have to check it out (I'm not up-to-date on that these days).

...Well, certainly the photographer is. The poet's blog site could be shut down. Again, you cannot just give away material like that, just because you had it in your possession, still, from a project decades earlier. Not of THAT nature, no. Not unless he actually agreed at the time they'd be the photographer's TO USE again whenever she felt fit. But again - why didn't your friend object to the photographer and/or check with your husband before launching? Curiouser and curiouser, said Alice... NONE of those three people 'worked right', did they.

(A lot to take in. Take your sweet time, I'm not going anywhere (not for long) - I live here.)

Many thanks for your thoughts and support. I was able to get to the bottom of this relatively easily by ambushing my best friend and my husband when she came over to our house yesterday afternoon for something totally unrelated. After admitting that I violated my husband’s trust by reading my his (and her) email, I gave him the opportunity to open up. He had signed a contract with the photographer granting her unlimited use of the photos, which means that he knew the shot back then and the photos and her website are legal. He has no right to ask her to take them down, nor is she under any legal obligation to do so. He checked this with a solicitor. My best friend didn’t know about these photos until my husband contacted her. The photographer’s pictures on my friend’s poetry website are of buildings in a certain part of London. That’s it. There is a hyperlink to the photographer’s website, which is what my husband followed. The gallery on the photographer’s website that is dedicated to one of my friend’s poems features scenes from nature and architecture. She didn’t think of looking at the other galleries where a younger version of my husband is featured, because they are labelled “Adult content”, and no one under 18 is allowed to view them. They are password protected as well. As to why he didn’t tell me: he was embarrassed and it was in his past, long before he and I met—fair enough. Why did he contact my best friend? Because he wanted to let her know in case she happened upon the pictures and was shocked. He also said that he was writing to her in confidence. She wasn’t sworn to secrecy. She didn’t tell me for two reasons: 1. What my husband did was not illegal, neither she or I knew him at the time so it isn’t our business and 2. She knows that our marriage has been strong and she didn’t see any point in breaking the confidence when me knowing about all this would not benefit either of us. The pair of them had been uncomfortable about this and were relieved that I brought this out in the open. There is one benefit to this alongside of our renewed trust: my husband is also featured in some of the other galleries featuring portraits and those photos are very tasteful.

yeah yeah yeah they're both felt uncomfortable but the fact remains that your feelings have been trampled on by two people who should be loyal to you all the way without fail. You're actually making excuses for their behaviour & it doesn't matter if what your husband did was ancient history, what does matter is that he didn't tell you when he wasn't sure it would go pear shaped or not if you ever found out...because he never told you, his wife of 20 years. & geez, you had to ambush your best friend to get to the truth so SHE could feel relieved. It doesn't matter if what your husband did was legal or illegal, your best friend's actions & excuses still don't sing. After copping it & coping with it all, I reckon that you're one special person, RACHD...but anyway, if your happy with it all & you can sit down & laugh about it all, now that's all out in the open, then it's all ok. Cheers

Sorry Manalone, but you have no right to be judgmental—that is not the object of this forum. I have taken on board what you have said and made a decision—one that is not vengeful or angry but constructive. You seem more angry about this situation than I am. Go figure.

Me angry? nah, never with the people on this forum; saddened, surprised, enlightened, astonished & dismayed but never angry...but anyway, if your happy with it all & you can sit down & laugh about it all, now that's all out in the open, then it's all ok. Cheers

"I was able to get to the bottom of this relatively easily by ambushing my best friend and my husband when she came over to our house yesterday afternoon for something totally unrelated. " Oh. I would have done it separately so they didn't have each other's 'moral' support. But I guess if you had to sieze the opportunity, then, so be it. I can see through anything you can't, anyway (I'm not emotionally invested) so, no worries, and I'll read on (not reading ahead for this bit btw). "After admitting that I violated my husband’s trust by reading my his (and her) email," No, you didn't. You violated it BACK. Diff/all the diff. You weren't just bored one day and, lacking in boundaries, decided to nosy around, now, were you. He and she GAVE YOU A DIRE NEED TO KNOW WHERE YOU STOOD. If your protectors are failing to protect you, or worse - are the monster-under-the-bed they're supposed to be protecting you FROM, then you're in Jungle Law territory and co do anything they can do (but better...tra-la-la). 'The gloves are off!'. But that didn't even occur to you, you just followed your programming to put yourself first when - at that point - too much - it seems your friends might be your enemies. "Own Oxygen Mask On First". You were FORCED to. Just UNDER the table (your radar). HE violated YOUR trust - ALL DAY, EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR - how many years is it? (So - Pff... take that back. I know I would..."Ack-chew-ally, on *second* thoughts -..."). Basically, I do not like that self-defensiveness as a first response NOR its style, Sam-I-Am. That's Radioactive-Green Eggs 'n Ham, that am. HMMM.... What's next (I've just rolled my eyes...not a good sign...): Wait up - what's this going on between you and Manalone?....

RACHD, "Sorry Manalone, but you have no right to be judgmental—that is not the object of this forum. I have taken on board what you have said and made a decision—one that is not vengeful or angry but constructive. You seem more angry about this situation than I am. Go figure." You've misconstrued the rules (like the high DefCon-ed do). One poster is not allowed to be judgemental towards the OP Victim. Other than that, we are here PRECISELY to judge the people who are giving the OP problems. So Mannie is actually just doing his job. I find your attitude strange, given what you DO know and can understand: 1. I'd just basically told you Mannie must like you to have posted more than the once. Where's the resulting increase in amicability? Instead, you've responded rather hostilely - whereas, he was not coming from a place of hostility but to DEFEND you against these people's relational crime against you. 2. And that you'd already been a bit out-of-order with him and been pulled gently up on it by me. So it beats me why you thought I'd tolerate it a second time? Actually - three: 3. He's not your husband, nor this friend. We don't expect gratitude, RACHD. But what we DO expect, is not to receive ANTI-gratitude. Giving any of us volunteers, "attitude". All you've achieved, I'm afriad, is to accuse someone of being of being negative (judgemental) ergo angry/hostile while being the provably negative and angry one, yourself (being rude, speaking coldly and dismissively - and STILL he replied like the soft-yet-tough gentleman he is). I get you're upset - and who wouldn't be - but he's quite correct and I can show you if you like? It won't make you self-combust, but it WILL ensure that those two know FULLY why they were out-of-order or else, if they do anything like that AGAIN, you'll KICK yourself for the fact you "Minimized" their SENTANCES - not their crimes, their sentances. Do you understand? THEY OWE YOU, and, assuming they're normal-healthies, NO-ONE is going to remain happy for long unless the mental discharge for all follows the rules of Crime & (suitable) Punishment - or Crime & Retribution, if you like. They should be EXTRA nice to you and extra careful not to tread on your toes - not even your toenails - until YOU - not them! - feel safe again. THEN is when it becomes minimised. Ok? But I'm not going to show you, nor allow this thread to continue, unless you think about it and come back to apologise to him for having got our longest-running angel completely wrong and needlessly 'painted him Black', please? Assuming you're usually the lady you sound like - Thank-you in-advance. Soulmate Moderator

You should all seek psychiatric help. Good luck.

This Instant Forgiveness shite is what GOT you into this mess with these two numbskulls. Sorry, but they ARE - or - would YOU have done that? You sound too intelligent to me. Make them break the bloody rocks they've bloody unleashed onto themselves, that's all. Anyway... now waiting for the purportedly well-bred lady to come back into the room...

Poster-pooer RACHD, "You should all seek psychiatric help. Good luck." Even in the first instance - I thought so.... HI, BOGGY- sorry DOGGYDILEMMA! Everyone? Meet our resident bloody troll. Now toddle off again - and cheers for the- er - your entertainment. Darn, eh? Nothing you do works, does it? You just can't help yourself. It really IS like permanent, involuntary, Projectile-Vomiting. You never want to take ME on, do ya. No, because you know what happens. Just pick on 'my' most valuable helpers ('buuuuck-buck-buck-buuuck'). You really ARE a Masochist. And you're like Human Whack-a-Mole. This forum is NOT a Public Toilet for Toxics, fangs. PS: Is this crazy enough for ya - or are ya thirsty for more? I'm JUST in the mood for it, actually, now that you went even further too-far - uh-GAIN, YAAAWN - this time, picking on our forum's longest-running favourite. __________________________________________________________________ Reminds me of a joke (for Mannie - you're s*dding-off again, remember): Masochist: Beat-me, beat-me! Sadist: .....................................No. Masochist: OHHHH, THANK-you...!

You think you're too clever 'Miss' Doggy Dilemma But what you don't realise - my eyes, on *The* prize, for Your visits break limits, yes, Sure, all can *well* see And now spot the reason Why we don't just BAN thee. (Typical Narc... doing good only ever inadvertentleeeeee.)

Mannie, did you want to post anything before I freeze this for the archives? Yes, Ta / No, Ta (delete as applicable)

(Psst, Mannie! And, no, I didn't confuse the two. ;) I just have gobsmackingly hawk eyes and notice all repetitions/patterns, even the seemingly atomic, that others miss because they go MILES under the radar. Tell me if you're interested and I'll tell you via Ricardo... (because I'm not about to teach a troll how to improve as one; it's something they will NEVER notice, even if they try, and even then, they'd forget as well as forget to remember). ...And then you will! :) Wizardy Spidey Senses coming your way....say the word.)

yeah all good Soulmate..let us know via Ricardo no worries. & No, Ta I've nothing more to add to the post. Cheers.