I think my bf sexually harassed me. Should I leave?

My bf and I have been dating since we were in our early teens, however at one point we had broken up for a 1-2 years. Before we broke up, my bf used to touch my legs a bit. I was fine with it on and off I think (I don’t really remember) but I felt really ashamed doing it, so it made me feel a tiny bit anxious. He used to stop if I said no, but he would mope a bit. Flashforward now and we’re older, and he brings up how he kind of regrets it and was really worried about it when we had broken up. I had genuinely just forgotten it but I don’t really feel great when I think about it now, because of that shame. I talked to him about it (I’m going through an anxious spell right now), and told him that I wasn’t feeling great about it and didn’t feel like I had been respected and wanted him to be more proactive about getting my full consent in the future, not because I think he disrespects me now but because I’m feeling anxious about it and don’t really want to be reminded of it. My issue is that when I’m anxious I get into flight mode, and now as much as I love him my anxious brain is telling me to leave. I will note that I tend to have that feeling whenever we get into a small and healthy argument as well - I’m just really anxious. If he’s made reparations and grown up, since we aren’t teenagers anymore do you think it’s reasonable for me to move on? Or is this a red flag that I need to get away from? He’s a really good boyfriend now, we weren’t that good together when we were younger, but I’ve been so influenced by internet culture that I feel like I get nervous at the sight of every red flag. Any advice would be appreciated

Hi Macy! Right...just pasting in and taking it one portion at a time, not reading ahead (wanna feel it first): "My bf and I have been dating since we were in our early teens," Unless you mention below - how old are you now? " however at one point we had broken up for a 1-2 years." Red Flag! "Before we broke up, my bf used to touch my legs a bit. I was fine with it on and off I think (I don’t really remember) but I felt really ashamed doing it, so it made me feel a tiny bit anxious. He used to stop if I said no, but he would mope a bit." You mean, while you were still in your early teens. WHERE on your legs? Ashamed? Isn't that HIS job? What did YOU do? Be a girlfriend? MOPE A BIT. And it was done again and again. Hence, he didn't 'used to stop'. He'd PAUSE...and tried his luck next time/opportunity. Okay. But at this point, what I think, depends on how old he was/you were at that time. "Flashforward now and we’re older, and he brings up how he kind of regrets it and was really worried about it when we had broken up." Good. Did he seem genuinely sincere? Or did you wonder if he were creating an excuse to bring up the topic again? Really worried? Describe the touching and where, please? Don't be embarrased - you're totally anonymous on here. "I had genuinely just forgotten it but I don’t really feel great when I think about it now, because of that shame." Then either it deep-down didn't feel genuine to you OR you have a misguided shame issue (because it doesn't even belong to you).çç What are you ashamed about? Having had legs?? Having trusted your boyfriend not to violate your boundaries that you should, yes, only have had to draw ONCE - not repeatedly. HOWEVER, I'm having to reserve judgement due to said ignorance over ages/stages. The fact he claims to regret it, is good, if he DID sound sincere (and continued to act accordingly. Let's see...). "I talked to him about it (I’m going through an anxious spell right now)," I've come out of one (2021 and 22). Want some help? I know lots of tricks and tips that actually work. I'll take this into consideration since you yourself obviously want me to. But I'm still undecided because actual victims DO apportion blame to themselves... "and told him that I wasn’t feeling great about it and didn’t feel like I had been respected and wanted him to be more proactive about getting my full consent in the future, not because I think he disrespects me now"... You don't. GOOD. Phew! That speaks volumes. ..."but because I’m feeling anxious about it and don’t really want to be reminded of it." Okay, so (without realising?) 'he's put his big foot in it'. So he's naturally quite CLUMSY then? Can we put the as yet underdeveloped ability to resist the temptation to purely touch your legs or 'try it on' down under Clumsiness as well? Is he female-friendly/palatable otherwise? "My issue is that when I’m anxious I get into flight mode," Course. You're constantly in about DefCon 3 and so any extra 'threat'/stressor too easily cranks you up into DefCon 1 (panic stations). That's being Anxiety Disordered for ya. (When you're actually SAFE but feeling like this, feeling UNSAFE, it's actually an overloaded, over-worked, up-four-gears brain producing these sensations....you worry it might explode/break - or your heart break. It's just because we have too-limited emotional sensations and cocktails of such, so some have to 'make do' in the absence of something more different-feeling than fear, anguish, panic, feeling of over-vulnerability...bleugh.) Have you been to your Doctor to get a course of medicinal leg-up so you can finally reach the edge of the anxiety hole' and climb out? I tell ya, if something like Citalopram or Escitalopram works on you, it'll fast become your best friend ever. It's the most popular in Europe, now, due to absence of side-effects on most people, and fast-acting-ness. And zero drowsiness. If they get the dosage right, you'll feel normal and bouncy again, raring to go. "and now as much as I love him my anxious brain is telling me to leave." Why? Is that because he's switched in your mind from a source of comfort to an anxiety trigger-er? Or do you think your relationship has run its course now that you've both hit the point where you change into the adult you're going to become - i.e. not enough in-common, feels more like your brother, that sort of thing? "I will note that I tend to have that feeling whenever we get into a small and healthy argument as well - I’m just really anxious." YUP. You clearly are. And that now seems to be the whole 'long, short and curlies' of it. You're hypersensitive and over-wary, very much DefCon-ed. What started off your Anxiety? Was there anything noticeable....devastateable, even? Are you trying to find a plausibile cause for your anxiety or otherwise 'you must be mad'? (- nope, just not a psychoanalyst). "If he’s made reparations and grown up, since we aren’t teenagers anymore do you think it’s reasonable for me to move on? Or is this a red flag that I need to get away from? " YES. I've just said so up there, look. It's perfectly natural for kids to find themselves incompatible on reaching adulthood. There's no-where for the relationship to go, these days, because of the Capitalist societal set-up. You want to get your studying and CAREER in-place first. ESPECIALLY since Brex-Ovid (as I'm now calling it) made everything so much harder than our generations had it at your age. Talk about huge pressure, jeez... Did you and/or he think you'd end up married, then? "He’s a really good boyfriend now, we weren’t that good together when we were younger, but I’ve been so influenced by internet culture that I feel like I get nervous at the sight of every red flag. Any advice would be appreciated" My VERY STRONG advice would you (because obviously you're NOT taking anything - AND IT JUST GETS WORSE IF YOU DON'T!) get to the doctors, toute suite. You cannot make any decision sensibly if you are suffering Anxiety Disorder. Meantime, though, back at this here ranch: Tell me what other things have happened that struck you as Red Flags, and why. I'll frisk him for you. I'll start with Clumsy as my baseline because (sozzies) - he is, isn't he. Yeh. (Sshhh! LOL)

Oh, and why did you break up and who called it Over and why? Or was it purely because of the constant sensual/sexual(?) pestering and that was the only other way to stop him? How come 2 whole years? Who asked who? If him, why did you decide to give him a second chance? (AND of course, your ages now.)

Also, do you maybe think that you feel ashamed simply because you didn't say No everytime, i.e. ashamed you failed to stand up for yourself and/however, now that you've gained on confidence you're regretting not having 'smacked his face' so would like to/need to do it belatedly? Are you wanting to retrospectively, due to hindsight and new sight, torture him? I'm guessing, HE was the one that broke it off and it's this that you (your kid, still literally inside you) need to slap back with. Am I close? It's perfectly common, actually. Especially when your boyfriend is behaving like a young, pushy, (by today's standards but depending on how old he was) predator. Who/what people bullied (or neglected aka semi-abandoned) you in the past - at home or at school? Anyone?

Oh - important: When - in relation to the 2 year break - did your Anxiety first start? ________________________________________ I'm giving this closer inspection because this was what triggered you... "Flashforward now and we’re older, and he brings up how he kind of regrets it and was really worried about it when we had broken up." KIND-of? Did he use that word, or is that your take on it?...that he sounded like he only kind-of? Worried, why? If you can try and quote him verbatim, that would speed things right up. If you can. I know A can play havoc with your Instant Recall. Cheers.

We broke up when we were 15/16. We’re 19 now. He fell into a depressive slump and I fell into my first anxious episode. Touching was mainly on the leg and upper thigh. I should mention that I’ve been brought up in a pretty religious area, so I’ve always had a lot of sexual shame and anxiety even when I want it. At the time this was happening we were 13/14 which is really young but there was definitely a lot of like pent up/growing sexuality in both of us because of puberty. There were times I would be okay with it, but like the sexual shame would kick in afterwards. Other times it kicked in before. The break up was 2 years because we were both in a bad place and didn’t communicate well. I fell into internet spirituality - worst decision of my life, and began to sort of go crazy aroujd the idea of controlling my life, predicting my life and then breaking down when things didn’t go my way. I will note, I didn’t tell people about this and kept it very private, but it wasn’t hard to notice that I was troubled. I got better, he got better we started being friends again and then it sort of happened naturally. I haven’t always had the best home life. My mother is quite protective and overbearing. I come from a pretty traditional household. This is horrible on his part - he regretted doing it because he knew it was wrong and he shouldn’t have done it and he was worried I would tell people. I wasn’t really happy when he said that. The next day we had a pretty big conversation about it and he apologised. I’ve seen him twice since then and he’s been very proactive about making me feel comfortable. My anxieties have gone away and I’m happy with him. I love spending time with him and being around him, and ever since we’ve got back together he’s been really proactive about making me feel loved and taken care of, and when my family seems like a challenge he’s always prepared for it as he says he’s willing to do anything for me. I’ll also add that his parents are incredibly supportive and kind. However, another thing that I’m worried about is that he’s going through a small depressive slump right now and says the only thing that makes him happy is spending time with me. I don’t want anyone to depend on me for their happiness. I’ve told him to seek support through his support system and he’s said he will but it worries me a little bit. I really love and care about him so I want to stay with him. But I also want to be wary and protect myself. I think that’s important no matter what kind of relationship you’re in.

another note of things I forgot My most recent anxiety spell started last month. Because of a combination of my home life and school stress I guess I think I pushed down all my insecurities for a while and then recently when I started to have more of a handle on things they sort came back up. I’m incredibly insecure and that translates to anxiety in a lot of areas but my insecurities mainly lie in that I don’t really like how I look and that I feel really dumb all the time. I talked to my doctor but they told me it was likely due to my diet (lactose & gluten) and that it’d get better if I quit both.

I'll be with you tomorrow night or Wednesday, Macy - bear with!

Sorry again - it's been one of those weeks, but I've got the weekend to myself, starting tomorrow night so - bear with a bit longer.

Hey-hey! "This is horrible on his part - he regretted doing it because he knew it was wrong and he shouldn’t have done it and he was worried I would tell people. I wasn’t really happy when he said that." What - that he was worried you'd tell people? Why? That - and his having pushed it - is fairly natural for 14/15-year-old boys, especially on an early developer: all of the kiddie novelty with raging hormones steering the ship, and none of the adult self-regulation and -control (nnnnot a good mixture). "The next day we had a pretty big conversation about it and he apologised. I’ve seen him twice since then and he’s been very proactive about making me feel comfortable." Good. GOOD! Actions speak loudest. :) "My anxieties have gone away and I’m happy with him. I love spending time with him and being around him, and ever since we’ve got back together he’s been really proactive about making me feel loved and taken care of, and when my family seems like a challenge he’s always prepared for it as he says he’s willing to do anything for me. I’ll also add that his parents are incredibly supportive and kind. " FANTASTIC! "However, another thing that I’m worried about is that he’s going through a small depressive slump right now" NOT so fantastic. "and says the only thing that makes him happy is spending time with me." Umm..... That wouldn't be healthy. Unless what he means is, he only feels SAFE with you? Ask him. "I don’t want anyone to depend on me for their happiness." Precisely - well done - excellent instinct and boundary-setting (sticky gold star on your forehead - *"Thlup!"*). "I’ve told him to seek support through his support system and he’s said he will but it worries me a little bit." Yes, because you're suffering Anxiety Disorder. If you don't already what even normal anxiety is - it's worrying. ABOUT THE FUTURE. "I really love and care about him so I want to stay with him. But I also want to be wary and protect myself. I think that’s important no matter what kind of relationship you’re in." Just take it one step at-a-time. That's all you CAN do. ...unless you came here. :) What you can do is make me your Constant. I always say to people: the time for getting a counsellor/therapist is when you start a new relationship and it looks like it's about to get serious. They can be your Mr Spock whilst yours is being drowned-out by your Captain Kirk. No worries.... get comfy, post on any regular basis that's convenient, and I'll be happy to keep frisking him for you. Does that sound like a plan, Stan?

This might help (take twice before bedtime): Today... Is the very Future That you were worried about, last year and the year before. And you're perfectly safe, aren't you? Okay, things aren't ideal, but, they're okay?....didn't warrant the amount and weight of worrying over it that you did - right? :) ______________________________________________ Your PS post: "another note of things I forgot My most recent anxiety spell started last month. Because of a combination of my home life and school stress" Which are...? "I guess I think I pushed down all my insecurities for a while and then recently when I started to have more of a handle on things they sort came back up." OHHHHHH - I GET IT! Oh - relax! That's just normal. It's your psyche realising that the 'danger' has passed so you can stop running or shutting your eyes while covering your head with your arms now, and look up and around - AND REFLECT. When your brain's convinced, from the anxiety, that you're at threat, i.e. puts you in whatever high-numbered DefCon State. Human wiring-wise - if you'd done that when your ancestors had been pursued by a Sabre-Toothed Lion, they'd have been dead meat and you and your particular cocktail of genes (from your ancestral gene-pool) wouldn't exist. So your mind knows to wait until - Conscious-You's feelings, regardless - it can tell it's safe. That's good. Progress! :) Don't take your anxiety disorder to-heart, it's just mucked-up brain chemicals (it's like an Insecurity Nightmare or bad-drugs' trip), that have been existing so unnaturally long, now, that your needle's got stuck. Easy to un-stick, given time and consistent calm. So, in fact, you were quite correct to be mightily peed-off that he had presented a trigger/jolt as got it a bit stuck again. "I’m incredibly insecure and that translates to anxiety in a lot of areas but my insecurities mainly lie in that I don’t really like how I look and that I feel really dumb all the time. I talked to my doctor but they told me it was likely due to my diet (lactose & gluten) and that it’d get better if I quit both." Why? What about how you look? Having IBS, even lactose and gluten intolerance, can be part-and-parcel with post-traumatic recovery. So I'll ask again: what traumatised you - either in one fell swoop/event or due to drip-drip-drip chronic stressors over days, weeks, months, years? Did your doctor check your blood, including for Vit D deficiency? / Do sunny days make you feel less anxious?

Just a quick edit because I don't want any young'uns misconstrueing outside of context/tacitness... "I don’t want anyone to depend on me (EXCLUSIVELY) for their happiness."

Hello, thank you for replying once more. I understand you have a lot on your plate so don’t worry about replying in a timely manner. I don’t really mind. I talked to my boyfriend about his depressive slump, let him know of my anxiety surrounding it and we talked it out. My home life issues mainly surround being in a strict traditional Christian family, I’ve been pretty coddled all my life. My parents haven’t always had the healthiest relationship either. My mother’s quite protective and depends on me a little for her emotional stability. But now that I’m older and I have more freedom I guess, my boyfriend thought that would translate into us spending more time together (I only see him twice a week), whilst I’ve really enjoyed just doing things by myself. We had a talk and agreed to compromise on that area of things. Yeah I’m pretty insecure about how I look I guess. I think it’s largely because I spend too much time online so I’m trying to cut back and work on my own confidence. When it comes to blood tests, I’m pretty much a veteran lol. When I had my first anxiety spell a couple of years ago, I was feeling really tired all the time and fainted. I got a blood test and I was deficient in vitamin b12, D and iron so I was on supplements for a little bit but evening waned myself off it. Last year I had a another fainting spell and I had problems with those and hemoglobin, platelets etc. I got tested again this year and I’m back on vitamin D supplements, took b12 shots for a while but I can’t take iron because of my poor gut health, which is wonderful. I feel like I’m getting slightly better but I still get nervous and anxious pretty easily.

Hey Macy, so sorry for the delay, am aiming to post tomorrow or Sunday latest!

Got tomorrow (er, today) off so I'll be posting properly then, but in the meantime - iron-rich foods that are okay for IBS sufferers (though best check with your doctor or your medical centre nurse, or reception staff if they're knowledgeable, which most naturally become): https://www.everydayhealth.com/ibs/iron-rich-foods-for-people-with-ibs/ I note it doesn't mention real licorice (e.g. Bassets Licorice Allsorts or Sherbert Dib-Dab - haha, why not have fun with it, that's what I say!). That and natural orange juice are really good for plugging you back in more securely. Also ask him/her about Movicol or Fibrogel drinks (Orange flavour is yum). "My most recent anxiety spell started last month. Because of a combination of my home life and school stress I guess I think I pushed down all my insecurities for a while and then recently when I started to have more of a handle on things they sort came back up. I’m incredibly insecure and that translates to anxiety in a lot of areas but my insecurities mainly lie in that I don’t really like how I look and that I feel really dumb all the time. I talked to my doctor but they told me it was likely due to my diet (lactose & gluten) and that it’d get better if I quit both." Hmmmmmm... I smellbaggage. Dumb? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA - no. You're super-sensitive AND cautious (preemptively so), which is an offshoot of intelligence. If anything, you're too intelligent, too soon. This'll do it: "My home life issues mainly surround being in a strict traditional Christian family, I’ve been pretty coddled all my life. My parents haven’t always had the healthiest relationship either. My mother’s quite protective and depends on me a little for her emotional stability. " Role-Reversal, that is. Narcissistic or overly emotionally-injured/trauatised mother. Which do you think? You're doing a Jae. Getting it out of your system NOW rather than when it can REALLY hobble you. Or - since you, likewise, had to be the adult, emotionally (and intellectually) - doing it right on time! Which makes you, mentally-emotionally, about 35?...at least? In a way, it's a blessing that you Gen Zs have had so many avenues shut-off or blocked to you. Because it means precisely this: puking OUT the toxins and brainwashing, decades earlier than previous generations could find time for it. It's all good in the hood. Just feels ber-luddy horrible, like a bad drugs' trip (...so I'm told...heh...). Puke it out by writing it all down here. And meanwhile/simultaneously: your over-worked, over-stretched brain needs a meaty project. Any ideas?

I forgot to say, btw (I think?): Twice per week is actually pretty normal, and some people's idea of a lot or too much, every single week. Tell me, is it the same days/nights every single time?

Hello, thank you for your response once more. I think my mother’s just been through a lot, and has become quite protective so I don’t have to go through the same things. Although, it’s gone a little too far in my opinion I guess. I’m sort of swamped with education at the moment (law is undergraduate in my country), so I don’t have a ton of time to start projects, although I’ve always been interested in starting a blog on general topics of interest. Twice a week is probably just an average of how much we hang out, it differs depending on how stressed I’m feeling or my workload. We usually only spend 1-3 hours together each time. I’m quite an introvert so I get really tired if I spend too much time with people.

Heya! :) 1. What's she been through? Whatever it is - if it's your mother, then, YOU'VE been through it too, with her. So - edit - what has she and you vicariously been through? (That starts to explain things. Good. Getting there, haha.) 2. What's gone a little too far? Her reaction to the bullying she endured - Smothering you - or is that because the bullying is still in-progress, ergo so is her need to cling to (obviously brave) you? 3. In your opinion you guess. Immaterial/illogical. This is all ABOUT what your opinion and perspective is. So if you're telling the truth - it's fact. No need to tread carefully here or with me - let us have it with both barrels. We can take it ;) Hear uncannily similar every day! Plus on here you're a needle in a Planet Earth-sized haystack. Plus invisible. 4. Oh, well - any project is the definition of (self-)education so you can't get more projecty than education, haha. This is basically now a blog, too, you realise? Anyway, blogs are good as a project. That should prove TWICE as cathartic and self-therapeutic for you, then. (You can pop in here as frequently or infrequently as you need/like. You just need to type something before the 90 days is up (is it 90 days still?...can't recall right now). You set the pace (unless I ever think you're in peril, of course). You could just chat about any of your topics of interest. I'm always up for learning, too. "Twice a week is probably just an average of how much we hang out, it differs depending on how stressed I’m feeling or my workload. We usually only spend 1-3 hours together each time. I’m quite an introvert so I get really tired if I spend too much time with people." OH, sure!...of course. I meant on average. 5. Three hours, huh? Yeeeaaah, that's not actually a long time...equates to less than a day per week...not if you're prematurely ready for a serious steady relationship - which you, yourself, clearly aren't (because you mean business - literally). This, as applies to friendship upwards, is called, growing in different directions, or, growing apart. He might want marriage first, then serious job to start his career; you sound like the opposite. Fair suspicion? That might explain this tug-of-war between he and you (FOR you). 6. Plus, I suppose you landing a career asap means you can fly the nest sooner, and support Mum from less close-range, without really affecting your supportive capability? Introvert. Ahh. Say no more. 7. Take it this means, boyfriend's more extrovert? 8. Just tired, or tired and cranky and feeling somehow claustrophobic? If so - and if no escape and respite looks forthcoming, does the feeling grow into panic and/or anger at the situation and/or irritability?

9. Does bf KNOW your mum is a "cling-on"? 10. Can I presume he either doesn't or doesn't have the frame-of-reference with which to appreciate how this makes you feel overcrowded, "Peopled-Out", like a mobile phone nearly out of charge - and the rest of it - long before he says Hello each week? Is he then taking it personally, as a show of "rejection" from you?

1. She had a bad relationship when she was young. She also came from a not so great household. She’s really protective of what I do with my boyfriend because of her toxic relationship when she was younger, I think she was cheated on. 2. The smothering. To me, it’s like I understand where she’s coming from but it’s almost like she uses me as a way to make up for the mistakes she’s made/the bad things she’s experienced in her life. She’s said before that I’m a ‘better version of her’ and she frequently tells me that she wishes she was more like me when she was younger. I love her, because she’s my mother but I can’t really deal with all of this clinginess and her attempts to have a close relationship where I tell her everything. I can’t do that for her, and she doesn’t really understand that. She always wanted a close mother daughter relationship with her mother (but also felt incredibly uncomfortable and annoyed when her mother vented to her). She’s not bullied anymore, but she is vulnerable to people’s opinions a lot. I’ll make a comment about how other people view her as strict and how that weirds them out, and she’ll call them judgemental. I’ve had a couple of conversations with her where I tell her that she needs to accept that people are going to view her a certain way if she chooses to act a certain way toward me. Whenever she fights with my dad, or says something to me, she usually asks me if I’ve told my boyfriend afterwards. She’s very self conscious about what people know about our family. My opinion towards my mother is that she’s a very kind and strong woman, but didn’t really get the ability to process anything and now it’s coming out onto me. She doesn’t really respect me in a lot of ways (touching and hugging me (non sexually) all the time even though I ask her to stop, attempting to bar what I can and can’t talk about to my boyfriend, never knocking, walking in when I’m changing etc.) but I know it’s just because that’s the love she wished she had when she was younger and that she sees me as a product of herself (she’s always joking about how I can’t say no to her affection because ‘she made me’ and that ‘I’m part of her’). 5. BF doesn’t really care about how often and how much we hang out as long as it’s entirely my decision. I spoke to him about it, and he said he just gets annoyed and upset when he feels like my mother’s controlling it (she wasn’t always keen on me leaving the house a lot, she’s always telling me not to become a lovesick puppy and focus on my studies - I get really annoyed at this because I wouldn’t be studying such a hard course if I hadn’t focused on my studies, and there’s no point of studying a hard course if you aren’t going to. It’s almost as if she forgets who I am sometimes). If I say I’m busy or stressed, he’ll sulk for two minutes because he misses me but we’ll quickly arrange an alternate date. we’re on the same place around life goals. Career then marriage for both of us. However we’re both really young so we’ve decided to postpone the big marriage discussion until a couple of years from now. 6. Yes! She makes a lot of jokes about following me wherever I go, so I’m really determined to get out and away to somewhere where she can’t be on my back 24/7. 7. Yeah, he’s definitely much more of a people person. It’s good because my parents like him since he’s always very polite with him. 8. Depends on who I’m with. With my mother I get tired and cranky and it does grow into panic. With my boyfriend I get tired, sleepy and distracted. 9. Yes, he’s been my rock throughout my issues with my mother since we were early teenagers. His parents are aware and attempt to support me to get some independence when I can as well. BF always says that his biggest fear is that he’ll feel like he’s in a relationship with me and my mother because of her overbearingness. 10. I don’t think he has a frame of reference, but I usually just tell him anyway and if we still have something planned we do something fairly low energy or take a nap.

Just bumping you up! :)

Look at that - all neat and tidy - I like that, thanks. "1. She had a bad relationship when she was young. She also came from a not so great household. She’s really protective of what I do with my boyfriend because of her toxic relationship when she was younger, I think she was cheated on." That's a little bit vague for me - could you go into detail, plizzies? "2. The smothering. To me, it’s like I understand where she’s coming from but it’s almost like she uses me as a way to make up for the mistakes she’s made/the bad things she’s experienced in her life. She’s said before that I’m a ‘better version of her’ and she frequently tells me that she wishes she was more like me when she was younger." Well, she ain't a Narc, that's immediately obvious. And you ARE an upgrade on her - that's the point of kids, it's how we evolve, so, apart from how lovely that compliment is, it's also true. HOWEVER, being in a pack (even of 2) where one 'naked ape' is almost constantly on-edge, IS a great way to make the other start to slowly-but-surely become over-vigilant, themselves. Especially if that panicking 'ape' happens to be the dominant one (parent/elder). Could that be at least PART of where your worry over boyfriend came? "I love her, because she’s my mother but I can’t really deal with all of this clinginess and her attempts to have a close relationship where I tell her everything. I can’t do that for her, and she doesn’t really understand that." Yep. But it that's how her parents behaved with HER, and she hasn't learned that she was deprived of those types of boundaries, she'll automatically see nothing wrong with it and think doing the same with you is perfectly natural. Trouble is, we've all moved on since then and...you're not the same as her, are you. You have your own sensitivities and preferences, etc. "She always wanted a close mother daughter relationship with her mother (but also felt incredibly uncomfortable and annoyed when her mother vented to her). She’s not bullied anymore, but she is vulnerable to people’s opinions a lot. I’ll make a comment about how other people view her as strict and how that weirds them out, and she’ll call them judgemental. I’ve had a couple of conversations with her where I tell her that she needs to accept that people are going to view her a certain way if she chooses to act a certain way toward me. Whenever she fights with my dad, or says something to me, she usually asks me if I’ve told my boyfriend afterwards. She’s very self conscious about what people know about our family." Hmmmmm.....is she, now....overly concerned with what others outside of the family home might think... Interestink. (RE-tell her, you mean?!) Does she say that in an, I hope you haven't told Boyfriend about this - foreboding way? Sounds like she knows she's the problematic element, to me, and doesn't want your boyfriend to feed that back to you, or for anyone 'outside' to know/feedback...Keeping it to behind-closed-doors... So we've got over-intimacy issues, boundary-crashing/crushing, and now, Don't tell anyone or else (threat non-specific) - is that right? And she's mistreating or humiliating you somewhat in front of friends, then? She's got "Narc Fleas" at the very least, that's for sure, although when she isn't all uptight, she sounds healthy. I think she'd really benefit from post NPD-abuse counselling. Or maybe you could educate her????...stuff from the net? I could help you find the right articles to show her? She might just need to face reflecting on the past as well as study-up so that she can identify WHICH attitudes/behaviours of her mother's (and father's) was healthy and which wasn't...was toxic. So that she can cut it out. And long enough that doing/not doing whatever, becomes the new habit (practice makes perfect and all that). That'd keep her busy and transfixed, and out of your private business, wouldn't it, eh? (Bit like when a young toddler won't hand you back the Remote Control so you flash your car-keys at them...they drop the remote and grab the crazy-shiny-rattly things...it'll be great practise for when you're a mum, see....Lemonade out of Lemons). Ideally, you should see her latch onto researching-up like a starving African at an open buffet. If she's not interested, then, Houston, we have a problem greater than Fleas. We have to factor in, however, the fact you're ready to move-out but can't. That WILL add to your feeling stifled. DO you tell your bf? Could you rely on his keeping confidence-Amen? "My opinion towards my mother is that she’s a very kind and strong woman, but didn’t really get the ability to process anything and now it’s coming out onto me. HAH! - SNAP! Although you said it more succinctly than me. :) Let's prepare Operation "Look at this, Mum - they're talking about your parents!". You game? "She doesn’t really respect me in a lot of ways (touching and hugging me (non sexually) all the time even though I ask her to stop," What do you do/say after you ask and she doesn't? "attempting to bar what I can and can’t talk about to my boyfriend," You mean, as above? Or other topics that have nothing to do with her? " never knocking," Does she think you're still under 11? That is NOT ON. Door wedge. Available at all good DIY and Hardware stores, for peanuts. :) That's your Plan B if a proper sit-down talk about it (with a print-out from the web to back it up from healthy parenting (Dos and Don'ts Of) sites). "walking in when I’m changing etc.)" NOPE! NO WAY! (What is she - clueless? Or just spoilt and pushy?) "but I know it’s just because that’s the love she wished she had when she was younger" What - she wanted to be walked in on? "and that she sees me as a product of herself (she’s always joking about how I can’t say no to her affection because ‘she made me’ and that ‘I’m part of her’)." Oh, dear. 'I own you'. Seeing you as an extension of HERSELF. That's not encouraging to hear, Macy. Sorry. "5. BF doesn’t really care about how often and how much we hang out as long as it’s entirely my decision. I spoke to him about it, and he said he just gets annoyed and upset when he feels like my mother’s controlling it (she wasn’t always keen on me leaving the house a lot, she’s always telling me not to become a lovesick puppy and focus on my studies - I get really annoyed at this because I wouldn’t be studying such a hard course if I hadn’t focused on my studies, and there’s no point of studying a hard course if you aren’t going to. It’s almost as if she forgets who I am sometimes). If I say I’m busy or stressed, he’ll sulk for two minutes because he misses me but we’ll quickly arrange an alternate date." He can see it, can't he. She's not really viewing and treating you as an individual at all, is she. What does your Dad say - what are his thoughts and feelings about all of this? "we’re on the same place around life goals. Career then marriage for both of us. However we’re both really young so we’ve decided to postpone the big marriage discussion until a couple of years from now." Very sensible, the pair of you. (You're not, though - both really young. How do you think BF recognises what he's seeing and hearing about her?) "6. Yes! She makes a lot of jokes about following me wherever I go, so I’m really determined to get out and away to somewhere where she can’t be on my back 24/7." HAHA! Noted that this is where you suddenly got all excited! Yup. You're advanced and should ideally have moved-out already, even IF you weren't trying to 'escape' (not least to be yourself). "7. Yeah, he’s definitely much more of a people person. It’s good because my parents like him since he’s always very polite with him ((sic)) (('them')). He's clever, huh. Knows to keep his and your powder dry as he listens and watches like a hawk. Reckon he wants to rescue you, and that it's equally worry for you that adds to his wanting to see you more...that and getting to have a counter-influence to hers on you. Does he offer you any tips and solutions? "8. Depends on who I’m with. With my mother I get tired and cranky and it does grow into panic. With my boyfriend I get tired, sleepy and distracted." With mother: worked-up (exhausting)... With boyfriend: safe...relaxed (zzzzz.....) "9. Yes, he’s been my rock throughout my issues with my mother since we were early teenagers. His parents are aware and attempt to support me to get some independence when I can as well." Good, you've got a whole team! "BF always says that his biggest fear is that he’ll feel like he’s in a relationship with me and my mother because of her overbearingness." Tell him I said - have a bit more faith in yerself, son! AND in Macy! (She's very Slime-resistant as well as brave!) So, BASICALLY, when you came on here (about BF) - you just wanted to hear a second opinion, just to be sure it wasn't your problem (commitmentphobic or non-tactile, whatever)? What OTHER opinions and warnings about BF does she come out with? "10. I don’t think he has a frame of reference, but I usually just tell him anyway and if we still have something planned we do something fairly low energy or take a nap." Ohhh, I think he does, mate. He's been trying to wake you up....but REEEAAALLLY gently and gradually (K, like him a lot now - phew!). He might just not want to tell you, might have a Flea himself ("boys don't cry/confide/...fckn breathe") and doesn't want to appear like an 'unmanly wimp' (all that ollocks, thank GOD it's changing!) in front of She Whom He Wishes To Keep Impressed (naturally). Have a little rummage next time. ...After your nap. Tsk...poor you two... but never mind!...napping together is very sweet and very bonding so you're not really missing-out, just doing your best when KNNNNNNNNNNNNACKERED! They have that effect, I'm afraid. Let's do that Litmus Test with the web surfing (instantly-addicted v disinterested/bored...dan-dann-daaaannnn!). You game? At least if we can discern 'whether and which', we can apply the correct way to manage and train her. PS: Did you ever have headlice? And how was your mum at handling it?

PS: If she IS "a" Narcissist rather than intrinsically normal but high on natural narcissism - she seems quite mild (Benign)....unless you start revealing even more? I say let's just dip that pretty fail-safe Litmus and we can get straight onto finding you solutions (- oh, where there's a will...). PPS: Practise being yourself more, on here - go for it!