How to discuss drunken infidelity with my partner?

I (28M) want to preface this by saying that I have recently come to terms with the fact that I may have drinking issues that have developed over the past few months. I’ve been struggling with some personal issues and have been binge drinking more than I’d probably care to admit, perhaps as an outlet. I think this precipitated the incident below meaningfully, but at the end of the day, I take full responsibility for what happened. I was on a planned nerdy vacation to Japan (anime, gaming, etc.) with some guy friends this week, and two of us got inappropriately drunk a few days ago (I think he also has a drinking problem, though I didn’t know this before the trip). We were at a bar and this is one of my first times ever getting this drunk in a public bar where there were strangers around (usually with friends in private spaces). Details are a bit hazy, but the gist is that a girl approaches me at a bar and after a few minutes (or maybe a bit longer?) I go back with her to her hotel room. I know that we had some half-hearted unprotected sex where she was on top and my soldier wasn’t standing at full attention. After a minute or two, I realized how crazy what I was doing was, so I excused myself without finishing and went and called my friend to meet back up and eventually ended up back home after showering and feeling a bit shell-shocked. One of the worst parts of is how I don’t really fully remember the circumstances that led to this encounter or why I thought it was okay, just bits and pieces. The aftermath of what I had done really hit me the next day when I woke up sober—I pretty much didn’t get out of bed at all because I was so sick to my stomach. I am in a 3 year relationship with a girl who I was planning on proposing to in May. She really wants to get married as well, we currently live together and, by all accounts, have a loving and fulfilling relationship. She is by far the best partner I have ever had, I’m very attracted to her, and I like to think that I have historically been a good partner to her as well until this trip. Going out like this itself is a bit out of character for me, and having any thoughts of cheating on her (let alone actually going through with it!!!) is not something I have ever previously considered. Now I feel awful because I know deep down that this is likely to destroy our relationship. She doesn’t deserve this. She has put so much love into our relationship and built an amazing life with me. To think that I would disrespect our relationship like this is pretty likely to be unforgivable, in my opinion. I am also obviously upset about the prospect of the destruction of our relationship, too, since it means the world to me, but I feel much worse for her since she didn’t do anything but be a loving partner to me, and this is what she received. After this, a few things are clear to me. 1. My tendency to binge drink is extremely destructive to my life and I need to completely quit drinking, perhaps forever 2. A mature partner should never put themselves in situations like these where cheating is even an option or temptation (duh) 3. I need to tell her the truth when she gets home from her trip tomorrow since I not only feel terrible and don’t want to hide it, but I am not willing to put her sexual health at risk (I already got a full STD panel today when I got back, will retest in 2 weeks, then 1 more retest after a month) I’m fairly confident this conversation is going to go over terribly no matter what I say or how I word it. I would also desperately like to work to address my alcohol issues and underlying personal issues by quitting drinking (already done after that night) and seeking therapy, first and foremost for myself, but also perhaps with some naive hope that our relationship can recover from this with some serious personal change. Do y’all have any tips on how to even begin this conversation? To be honest, I still think I’m processing what happened, and my emotions are pretty raw, so I am struggling with how to even frame this productively. I think the most likely outcome is a breakup (which is totally valid), but I would also like to try my hardest to salvage things in this bad situation I’ve put us in. Thank you for reading.

Be a man & be honest & be upfront is the best way to handle it. Your woman will probably go gaga but she also could be understanding about it all as well, after all, you've chosen to tell her. Sit her down & explain it all to her the whys & the whens so she can digest it all & don't forget to apologise & then you'll have to let her go to sort it herself. It's not the end of the world although you probably feel it is. Make sure you deal with those personal issues as well which by the way, your woman needs to know about if you're going to be spending your life with her. However you will need to be wise though, about your drinking & realise that you cant blame it for your actions. Alcohol doesn't lie & yep, some of us do tend to lose our insecurities & inhibitions when we're under it's influence, but at the end of the day, if we act improperly, embarrassingly or even criminally, when three sheets to the wind, it's basically us acting impulsively & having a less care factor for others & the inevitable consequences if things go pear shaped. Chin up & don't forget to forgive yourself no matter what happens.

Hmmm.... My nosie is twitching and smells a rat... I'm unable to shake the suspicion that your binge-drinking is a bit of a Red Herring, aside from the fact it meant you HAD a drink (as did friend), because - look: 1. You didn't know this friend was apt to get drunk. Maybe he wasn't, aas would explain why you'd had zero idea he even COULD, up until now. That's a bit strange, isn't it. 2. You don't normally like to get out-of-control drunk, except in safe, KNOWN spaces/environments, with trusted friends, NOT strangers. 3 This person approached YOU. (Was she Japanese? And did she have a friend for your friend?) 4. INAPPROPRIATELY drunk - i.e. blathered. BOTH OF YOU. Uncharacteristically yet again. 5. "and after a few minutes (or maybe a bit longer?) I go back with her to her hotel room." She wasted no time, is the point! 6. The whole evening was unlike you, it was enough to SHOCK you. How does one go from THAT default, all the way over the distinct opposites-PLURAL? 7. ""One of the worst parts of is how I don’t really fully remember the circumstances that led to this encounter or why I thought it was okay, just bits and pieces." ...which 'amnesia' is obviously uncharacterstic, TOO: "one of my first times ever getting this drunk", meaning, you had got drunk once or twice before, but been fine compared to this night). Point is: it's all HUGELY out-of-character for you - AND you're anti-cheating! Mate, I think you and friend got spiked. (Wouldn't have worked with a Tee-Totaller, would it.) Call me crazy, but - these are all the things that hit me between the eyes as well as took them completely off the fact 'someone had cheated' (which is a real feat). I really, heavily suspect that, albeit it was all done very smoothly and subtly, you were VULNERABLE to being put in it, but didn't do any 'putting yourself in it'. Tourist Beware, eh. Your mind probably wouldn't want to 'go' where I've just gone, because, basically, the realisation you'd been put in the 'female'/victim position is a bit much for a bloke to get his head around. But...I trust my nose. Did friend experience anything while you were gone from this bar? Have you spoken to him about it since? (I mean, properly?) I think you should. Maybe he can recall things you can't, and vice-versa? One a subconscious level, however, it may be that a part of your psyche 'wanted' to go along with it, KNOWING that you weren't the instigator/perpetrator so would be able to live with it, but that it might deal with your urge to sow your last oats, help you settle down into mariage more easily(?) - and the part that would normally have BLOCKED you from doing so, was too busy floating away with the fairies to even notice. IOW, you weren't sufficiently able to stop yourself. Yeah. That's why the spiking in the first place. I wonder why.... Oh, wait up... UNPROTECTED, EH? Do tell? Whose nonchalance was that? What are your thoughts?

(Anyway. You DID stop yourself. I call that, nearly cheated. And you stopped because you 'came roung' in-time for thoughts to fly to your partner and relationship together. There you go then. Nearly cheated - and - Phew, that was close!)

PS: Re the drinking: What are you trying to self-medicate, anyway?