My Husband has Fallen in Love- and I don't know what to do.

Hello, So this past week I thought my Saturday night was going to be peaceful and full-on me replaying Final Fantasy 13, but nope. I got on the shared desktop and saw my husband Discord up. I don't snoop, I had a hovering mom and privacy has always been a big part of my MO, but tonight I did. I wish I hadn't, but it only worsened the things I felt. I felt bile in my throat and my eyes welling up with tears. I was distraught and raging in silence. I should have seen it coming he started talking about polyamoury and opening up our relationship. How he doesn't mind if I had someone on the side. I made it very clear that I was monogamous and that all I wanted his him. I thought he was just testing me out something stupid like that. Guess it doesn't matter now...This is the message I read: I stayed thinking of you..... Marcia, I love you. I wake up every morning thinking of you - I sleep with your words being the last to console me and keep me safe. Your silliness is so charming and your sense of exaggerated humor always leaves me stumped in such a perfect way. The moments we share always turn my mood around and make me smile. I've rarely met such wonderful people. I don't know if it's platonic or not but I'm deeply falling for you in every way, more and more as the days go by. And I'm glad to. I'm so happy you share these feelings with me and trust me with them. No friend could be as perfect as you. I haven't heard him speak to me like that in such a long time...I didn't think I'd be here. We had a few issues, but I thought we were working through them, but he went looking for another. What do I do? I'm so confused. I had a conversation to see if he'd at least admit that he strayed. We talked a lot about us and our relationship, but He didn't say jack squat. I've been there for him through every mental issue he's had. Every time he went to that dark place. He helped me separate from my mother. He's my best friend and I love him to bits...what do I do, what can I do? We just got married in October. Is it really over? Why am I not enough? what did I do wrong?

Hi IDSCREAMBUT, Poor you. You must be totally in-shock and devastated. Before I begin - what are your ages? And how long have you been married, plus, for how long prior had you dated before getting engaged?

I'm 28, he's 27. We got married this past October on Halloween. Dating since 2015.

Hi, sorry for the slowness in responding; this is voluntary (not our dayjobs) and we're short on respondents at the mo. Pre-S: What comes after 'I'd scream but'? It sounds very much to me as if the following will help sort and settle your poor mind. Have a really good and think, and let me know your thoughts, feelings and suspicions, and I'll be back asap. Meanwhile: you're in good company. (((((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))))))) PS: Anyone who's been cheated-on would like to chip-in - please feel free. (Note re 'Constant Criticism': not JUST your appearance. Anything...any tender nerve.) __________________________________________________ 17 Signs You're in a Narcissistic Marriage or Relationship How to protect yourself By Arlin Cuncic, MA Updated on November 02, 2023 Reviewed by Ivy Kwong, LMFT Signs of narcissism are often hard to spot in the beginning stages of a relationship, but over time, these signs can be seen more clearly.1 This article will help you identify if your partner exhibits any of the tell-tale signs of narcissism. What Is Narcissism? The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-V) defines narcissism as a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. At least five of these criteria must be present: A grandiose sense of self-importance A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love A belief that he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions A need for excessive admiration; craving narcissistic supply A sense of entitlement Interpersonally exploitive behavior A lack of empathy Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her A demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes Signs You're in a Narcissistic Marriage or Relationship Let's take a look at some behaviors that someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) may present. While many of the following behaviors can be indicative of narcissistic personality disorder, only a mental health professional can provide an accurate diagnosis. You Don't Feel Connected Your partner talks with you when it is convenient. However, they have never actually asked what your plans are for the future or how you can work together to build the life you want. They constantly brag about themselves and their accomplishments and rarely show interest or ask questions about anything going on in your life. Their happiness comes from external sources such as prestige at work and money. You wonder if they are even capable of feeling romantic love or emotional connection. You Feel Manipulated Your partner will make subtle threats throughout the relationship. They may not be direct with their words, but you'll get a sense that if you don't do something for them or give in to what they want, bad things will happen. Sometimes, it's easier just to go along with what they want even if you don't really agree with it. This is a way of controlling and manipulating their partners to get what they want.2 Often, people in this kind of relationship forget what life was like before the manipulation started. You Don't Feel Good Enough You have feelings of inadequacy that don't match what you've accomplished in your life. Your partner tends to put you down or make negative comments about the things that you do. You've lost touch with the things that you used to enjoy doing because you don't have time for them anymore. Maybe you're always tired and it's difficult to get out of bed in the morning. You've begun hiding things from family or friends or feel ashamed about what goes on in your life. You lie to cover up the things that your partner does or does not do. You're Constantly Being Gaslighted When someone constantly denies things that you know to be true, they are gaslighting you.3 This is often seen in abusive or controlling relationships and is a common tactic among narcissists. For example, your spouse may make a comment like "You just don't remember right" about something that you know happened. They will gaslight you into believing that certain things never happened or that they did things because of something you did or said first. Your partner may tell lies about your behavior and try to twist reality so that it fits their version of events rather than what really happened. You might begin second-guessing yourself and feel like you're going crazy. If they do this in front of family members and friends, those people may start to think the problem is with you instead of your partner. It can be difficult for others to realize what happens behind closed doors because your partner appears so charming on the surface. You Avoid Conversations It may seem as though every conversation with your partner ends in an argument no matter how hard you try to stay calm and not get upset by what they say or do. The narcissist constantly tries to push your buttons to get you to react; controlling others' emotions gives them a sense of satisfaction. Often, it's easier to avoid having a conversation entirely than to deal with the constant mind games. You Feel Responsible for Everything Narcissists think that everything is always someone else's fault, including the things that they do wrong. You won't get an apology from a narcissistic person. Narcissists don't see other people as being on equal footing with them so it makes sense why apologizing would be out of the question. Your narcissistic partner likely never takes responsibility for their actions and always blames you. If something goes wrong, it is your fault, even if they're to blame. Everything bad that happens in their life is somehow because of you, which leaves you feeling like there's nothing that you can do right. You're Walking on Eggshells Do you feel as though you're walking on eggshells because you never know when your partner is going to explode or be in one of their moods? Typically, it goes like this: Everything seems fine, but then something minor happens and they go into a rage. Even a small thing like someone at work being recognized for an accomplishment while your partner feels overlooked can cause a narcissist to throw a fit. This is known as narcissistic rage.4 You probably feel like you've lost yourself because now all of your decisions are based on what will keep your narcissistic partner happy. You See Through the Charm On the surface, your partner is charming, confident, and accomplished. However, they seem this way only because they are so skillful at hiding their true colors when in public. They say all the right things, and people love them, but the second that you're alone with your partner, everything changes. The switch flips, and suddenly you're dealing with a completely different person than who everyone else sees on the outside. You Feel Criticized Constantly Your partner is excessively critical of your appearance. They might make comments about your weight, clothes, or choice of hairstyle. They make fun of you or put you down; this might happen behind your back and/or to your face. They make fun of others, especially people they perceive as lesser than them (i.e., someone they deem as less attractive or wealthy). In general, they are highly critical of everyone. Your Needs Are Ignored Your partner thinks only about their own needs and how things affect them, not you or anyone else—including the kids if you have a family. They will do only things that benefit themselves, not you or your relationship together. For example, your partner might: Want to have sex when they want it, but not so much when you want it Expect you to pick up after them Take credit for your hard work Get upset when others treat their family better than yours Favor certain children over others in the family if they feel one child makes them look better Your Family Is Warning You (or Is Oblivious) Your family has told you that they don't like how your partner treats you. Or, your family is oblivious that anything is wrong because your partner has been feeding them lies about you. Either way, your partner is a point of contention when it comes to family relations. You've Been Cheated On A narcissist is often a master flirt and might be cheating on you.5 They are very charming and know how to sweep people off their feet. You may find yourself constantly questioning if your partner is being faithful because of their flirting. They might have cheated multiple times, so nothing will stop them from doing it again. You Feel Unloved When you first got together, you felt like the most amazing person in the world. However, as time went on and problems arose, your partner began to devalue and ignore you. This is a red flag that they're not who they made themselves out to be in the first place. You likely were receiving love bombs in the beginning to get you hooked, but once you were married, those love bombs went away. You Get the Silent Treatment Your partner uses the silent treatment as a power play to control you. They'll withhold affection and ignore your existence until they feel like being nice again, which is usually only when it will benefit them in some way (like getting what they want). You might think that this behavior is normal or even "expected" of people who are married. However, the truth is that the silent treatment isn't part of a healthy, loving, and respectful relationship. You're Stuck Financially If there's one thing that narcissists know how to do well, it's to take advantage of their spouses financially. You might be paying for everything while your partner can't hold down a job, or their job might be bringing in a lot of income but they're not letting you see any of it. If this is the case, chances are that your partner has been spending every last cent on themselves and isn't planning to share with you now or in the future. You Can't Rely on Your Partner When they make promises, you never know if they're going to keep them. Narcissists are notorious for making promises and then breaking them when it's convenient. You don't feel as though you have a partner you can rely on, and you find yourself having to do everything yourself. You've Asked, They Won't Change Narcissists aren't willing to change because this would mean admitting something is wrong within themselves—and narcissists never admit such things. On the other hand, some will proudly admit that they are narcissists, but claim that everyone else is the problem.6 If your partner isn't willing to change their behavior, you might be in a relationship with a narcissist. What to Do If You're in a Relationship With a Narcissist Being in a relationship with a narcissist can have significant, long-lasting effects on your mental health. If your partner is emotionally abusive and unwilling to change their behavior, it's time for you to reconsider the relationship. And if you decide to leave it, have a support system in place beforehand—people you trust enough to confide in. This might be your friends, family, or therapist, for example. If you continue your relationship with the narcissist: Seek therapy or outside support Create and maintain boundaries Keep records of conversations, events, etc. to ward off gaslighting Try to remain calm and assertive At work, resist gossip, even though you might need to vent Learn all you can about narcissism so you can recognize their tactics and manipulation ______________________________________________________ PS: You okay? You just about coping?

Forgot the flippin' site link! https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-you-re-married-to-a-narcissist-5208165 __________________________________ Important addition (()): "You won't get an ((SINCERE)) apology from a narcissistic person. Narcissists don't see other people as being on equal footing with them so it makes sense why apologizing would be out of the question. ((ALSO, APOLOGY INCLUDES A PROMISE TO CEASE SUCH BEHAVIOUR, WHEREAS, THE NARC KNOWS THEY INTEND TO DO IT AGAIN (AND AGAIN...).)

PPS: You did zero wrong. They cheat because they have serious faults or missing bits in their corrupted programmes, as lets them say and do things we normal-healthies, especially Empaths, would never DREAM of doing, especially not to someone we loved (or, even merely someone we loved in-memorium). Normally, it just wouldn`t even occur to us. They're basically out-of-order biological robots/feral beings, but superb character actors who know how to get your brain to get you drunk and addicted to them for years/decades...until they, for example, decide to cheat on you (or do it to put you in 'your' doormat, eggshell-treading place). Ber-bom. Not even celebrity or saint status would have made you exempt. Sorry. :( And join the club.

PPPS: Narc Rages aren't always 'hot' and instant. Coverts tend to go cold and/or save up their revenge for another day, usually, when you really need them ("Save me!"/"Nnnno")

"Aaaaaand ANOTHER thing" (LOL). No he has NOT 'fallen in-love with another woman' - DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH! They're not capable. The fact he's cheated on YOU - HIS SUPPOSED SOULMATE - is proof-positive of that. Poor woman's going to get a slow battering, followed by a razing of her life, same as you've got. They're a one-trick pony, are Narcs. It's only ever a matter of time. Compliments to you, though, that you managed for so long to keep afloat THE HARDEST RELATIONSHIP IN THE WORLD! Woooar - show us yer muscles! :)

Thank you for the replies...they mean a lot. So I talked to him again. Being more upfront and he admitted it, but ended and put this Marcia person back into friend status. What's bothering me now is that he looks so broken up about. Like say stuff about how he feels victimized and sad because he feels like his emotions are all wrong. Basically accused me of not wanting to him to have friends. That he can't help mixing platonic with romantic feelings and that's how treats all his friends or feels like that he's should be allowed to do so, but it doesn't change how much he loves or cares for me. All I said is yes it does and it shows your lack of respect for me and our relationship. Now he's walking around all sad and on the brink of crying all the time. And I feel guilty for making him and angry at myself for feeling like that at the same time.

Hello! I hope I’m not stepping on Soulmate’s toes here, but your husband framing himself as the victim here rings a few alarm bells for me. There’s nothing wrong with open relationships, but when one half of the primary relationship doesn’t consent, then it’s just cheating, even if it’s “only” emotionally. I don’t think his emotions or friendships are what you have a problem with here, even though that’s how he frames it. Simply put: if he wants an open relationship or fwb arrangement and doesn’t run it by you, the partner he promised to always stand by and be honest with, he should consider why he takes you for granted and puts your feelings second, and you might want to do the same. All in all, I hope you can recognize that you didn’t do anything wrong by expressing your discomfort with his new “friendship.” Easier said than done, but if you can take a little time to emotionally detach and take an objective point of view, I’d suggest interrogating your relationship with him. If this really is how he treats his friends, were there any signs of this in the past? Does he treat all genders of friends this way, or just other women? Has he been a good partner otherwise, or can you think of more than a few times that he let you down? Were there any times you discouraged him from spending time with friends, or did he make that up to justify himself? I hope you’re taking time to be gentle and compassionate with yourself right now. This stuff never easy. Whatever you decide to do next is for you to decide, don’t let anyone’s guilt or negativity change your mind.

No-no, Grig, you're not stepping on my toes! Go for it - the more, the merrier and I already know you do great posts! EVERYBODY join in! This'll be interesting, though, because, other than your first line, Grig, I'm just diving in with my reply to what ISB put. Let's see if and where we match (dann-dann-daaannnn!...haha)... "So I talked to him again. Being more upfront and he admitted it," Meaning he barefaced lied the first time. "but ended and put this Marcia person back into friend status." Sorry, that's not good enough! He has to end the entire acquaintanceship so as to removal all and any further threat to your relationship or NO DICE!...not KEEP her within arm's reach ffs! "What's bothering me now is that he looks so broken up about (it)." Right. Got his number. This is not genuine upset. This is him - punishing you for having foiled him by standing strong & confident (refusing to tolerate it), rather than a nervous breakdown on-the-spot - trying to strip even more layers from you, THIS time by making out that he's in-love with her (they don't do love - don't have the requisite empathy (etc.)). Yep, seen that one a number of times. It's nothing but manipulation - crocodile tears. Google something like, "Narcissistic Cheater using The Pity Ploy (/Play)" - and "Martha Stout - Pity Play" (or "Quotes"). It's purely to take the wind out of your sails so that he escapes a severely spanked bum, basically, because your mummy instinct goes, 'Awww, poor babyyyy...mean mummyyyy', and now you're disarmed and more concerned with making poor babyyy feel bekker. (Puke) Behaviourally Conned, basically. "Like say stuff about how he feels victimized" Well, if he feels victimized by his own decision, choice and behaviours then I know a fantastic, MAGICAL cure for that! It's called, THEN DON'T DO IT - or, YA SHOULDA THOUGHTA THAT (, insane Forrest)! What. A. CROCK. "and sad because he feels like his emotions are all wrong." They are. And anyway, it's not his emotions/results, it's despite right from wrong (and severely injurious) - doing it anyway. Is he doing it out of greed, over-entitlement, a recent over-inflated ego/power rush, and general, unfeeling spoilt baby-ness, or to finally get power over you (because you've all along been too hard a nut to crack). THAT is the question. The fact he has to turn on the tears/scrape the barrel tells me - too hard to crack.....Baaaaad Emotionally/Every-ally Slaaave (HIGH FIVE!). "Basically accused me of not wanting to him to have friends." WHAT'S HAVING FRIENDS GOT TO DO WITH THIS? JUST NOT MISTRESSES. DUUUU-UUUH-UUUUUUUH? Look at him Playing Dumb and Word-Salad-ing you there (ugh). Google. (They're Gaslighting attempts.) He's definitely a Malignant Narcissist. (Ref his defiance, keeping her accessible...just says Eff You!) Eeeeaaarwigo.... "That he can't help mixing platonic with romantic feelings" (AW, UGGER-OFF, YOU BEEPING BEEP...RIDICULOUS BEEP!) (YOU DON'T *HAVE* FEELINGS, except for yourself - THAT'S THE WHOLE PROBLEM HERE, FINALLY MADE MANIFEST AS WE SPEAK!) Yeah, you must be one tough-cookie and brilliant arguer if he's had to go this incredibly far to permanently get one over on you. (Gold Star! "and that's how treats all his friends" OH, GREAT! FAN-F***ING-TASTIC, NNNNOT. (You may as well (secretly) visit a recommended Divorce solicitor/lawyer, now, mate. Sorry. He's full-blown, he is. And he's shown you behind his mask. He's a nasty-nasty person - it's official. He doesn't even like you. None of them do (like us normals-empaths). They just use you for as long as it suits them and then start sh*tting all over you even worse than before (when it was at least SORT-of tolerable).) "or feels like that he's should be allowed to do so," HHHHAH! (SOMEONE CALL MATRON - QUICK!) (Yeah, you can, beep-features. It's called Divorced and Available.) "but it doesn't change how much he loves or cares for me." Yeah, that's what WE do when we love and care for our spouse, isn't it. Cheat on them, yeah.... 'Uck Interflora!', say it with Adultery, yeeeaah... ("MATRON?!?") "All I said is yes it does and it shows your lack of respect for me and our relationship. Now he's walking around all sad and on the brink of crying all the time." I'm quite sure that NOTHING you say is a case of "all I say", LOL. And good for you! But you've been fired as his slave so he needs a slave-on-the-side. It's going to take you time and learning as much as you can about this, but this is your thread now....your secret weapon and pressure valve (do keep your history deleted, though). "And I feel guilty for making him and angry at myself for feeling like that at the same time." You won't after you've read Martha/The Pity Play (Brits call it Ploy) and the rest of her stuff. Yours is going further in outrageousness, though - e.g. his pushing-pushing to justify and keep the woman close-by. I suspect he's evolved from a Covert Narc into a Sociopathic Narc. I think he's been fed (they get worse every time they're pumped up or get away with their crimes)...and for quite a long time. That can do it. Although, when I say evolved, I mean, devolved. Bet it's a case of, you always knew he was difficult/frustrating/insensitive/annoying, but you didn't know he was THIS bad, did you.

(Grig: Lovely! I think between us, we covered everything there. :))

Hi ISB, 'You okay? What's the latest?

it's important to take care of yourself and prioritize your own emotional well-being during this challenging time. Give yourself permission to feel whatever emotions arise, whether it's anger, sadness, confusion, or a mix of everything. It's okay to grieve the loss of trust and the potential betrayal you're feeling. When faced with a situation like this, communication is key, but it's also important to approach it with a clear mind and a level head. It's understandable that you're feeling hurt and betrayed, but try to avoid making impulsive decisions or accusations that could escalate the situation further.