Marriage rut

My husband and I have been married 20 years and have 4 teenagers. He makes a very good living and I stay home and manage the house, kids, and everything in our lives. He works long hours and fields calls, emails, and work problems outside of his hours. He wants to spend the time he’s not at work decompressing by playing golf, sitting alone in his tv room, or hanging out with his nonmarried buddies. The problem is he does not make me or the kids a priority at all. We don’t travel because he can’t get away from work (but he manages to use his vacation days to take a few guys trips every year). I do everything for the kids alone including travel so they get some experiences in their childhood. We are rarely intimate. He seems to want a marriage of convenience and expects me to be low maintenance. He doesn’t give me what I need from a partner. I want him to love me and prioritize our marriage and relationship. Are we in a middle age rut? In 5 years when we have an empty nest will there be anything left? I appreciate that he makes enough money to support us but at what cost??

Hello! This is a rough spot to be in, my heart goes out to you. Before I make too many suggestions, I have a few questions for you. Firstly, am I right to assume both you and your husband are probably in your 40s or older? And when would you say your marriage became more distant? Was it like this when the two of you were dating? Second, have you spoken to him about any of what you mentioned in your post? And if so, how did he take it? I think your heart's in a good place here, thinking about what you want is the first step!! I hope you're doing well and that you'll find some clarity!!

Yes he’s 48 and I’m 45. We’ve been married 20 years this summer. When we were dating, first married things were great! I felt like he worked so hard to get to a place where he could be the sole provider and enable me to stay home and raise the kids because it’s what we both wanted. But he gets personal validation from making a lot of money and having wealth. (Exactly like his father, who has been married 5 times-but has always valued money/work above all else). So I see that there’s some deeper issue of why he wants/needs to provide for us this way. When I try to talk to him, he gets frustrated and shuts it down because in his mind, having money and being able to stay home and be a country club wife should make me happy. He thinks he’s doing enough for the family. He only sees what he IS able to do/provide for us but won’t acknowledge that we’d just prefer his TIME.

When exactly did he start becoming more distant? Was it gradual or sudden? After your first kid or when he got a big promotion? Would you say that you feel valued and loved by him? Going by your post it doesn’t sound like you do, but you on the other hand obviously love and value him because you’re still standing by him. It sounds like you’re grateful for his work but just want to have him back, am I right? Some of the best advice I ever received for relationship woes is to always return to the original emotion, if that makes any sense? For example, if I knew you in real life and blew you off every time you needed my help with something, it would probably hurt your feelings or make you feel alone. If I gave you a lame excuse every time you brought it up, that might make you start to feel angry and wronged. This would absolutely be justified, but in conflict resolution it doesn’t always help. Instead of giving into that anger when you tell me how I haven’t been there for you, returning to that original feeling of pain and confusion as to why I wasn’t there for you might make me realize I’ve been a neglectful jerk this whole time. In this case, you don’t sound angry and that’s the farthest thing from what I mean with that hypothetical. Knowing only what I do (please feel free to share anything you think that would help!!!), I think it would be most helpful to approach him with how his absence makes you feel. If you love him as a man and miss having him around as a partner, say that! If you’d like to see more of him outside of work but want him to still have time for his friends, let him know! If you feel afraid for the future of your love, you guessed it, tell him!! And if he won’t listen to you when you communicate these things to him as his wife and partner, tell him how that makes you feel. If I were you I’d consider reading him what you wrote here, edited as needed of course. It sounds like you’ve got a good grip on the situation, you just want him to work with you on a solution. Ultimately, the ball is in his court here. If he truly loves you and wants to keep you, he NEEDS to show you that. Words and money are nice, but it’s clear you need a lot more from him than that to keep the boat floatin’. And to reiterate, share as much as you need to!! This isn’t an easy problem to solve and talking through it is the best way forward!!

At the end of the day, it's up to you to sit your husband down & tell him how you feel & ask him to help you to understand why you feel left out. You need to tell him in plain English about your needs & you need to explain to him how his actions are selfish, regardless of him being a good provider. Marriages with little or no intimacy rarely last & it's not the done thing to actually have to ask for it, particularly after 20 years of marriage. Maybe a counsellor could be on the cards which you would both need to attend, but you know that you need to use communication to sort your issues & if your husband has any respect for you & your marriage to him, he should co operate with you. You may well need to take some adverse action of your own to swing his head around because it's about your marriage & the unhappiness it's causing you because of your husband's attitude. The man is also a father of four & it can't be a good look for the kids either, because it doesn't matter whether they know or not, or even suspect anything, they'll eventually pick up on the tension & the vibe.

"it doesn't matter whether they know or not, or even suspect anything, they'll eventually pick up on the tension & the vibe" Yup...And they'll re-enact it - either as victim or perpetrator. __________________________________________________________________ Hi MiddleAgedMum :) Sorry I'm late to the 'party'. Really hope you're still 'here'¿ This is an Andrex post...very, very long - to make up for it...because I read your posts and was gagging to make time to 'talk to you'... Everything you've described, including all logical, natural extrapolations therewith, sounds all-too-familiar (first, second and third-hand). The rest, including those innumerable, un-articulable 'ethereals', I can well imagine AND remember (ugh). I feel for you. (...not in a Chaka Khan way, 'har-har'.) Pleasez-vous read the following accounts by other victim-survivors (from Quora) of romantic fauxlationships or (hah!) marriages with a Narcissist, type Covert, sub-type Cerebral, sub-sub-type most pompous, superior, over-entitled, arrogant, wholly-neglectful, or in one phrase: Silent-But-Deadly CAKE & EAT IT, USER!... and see what sorts of things chime with you... (and PS: if you've managed to keep a semblance of a marriage and normal family life for your FOUR kids for twenty - TWENTY! - whole years, whilst, yourself, steadily starved from all angles by this type of serious mental-messer whom has the jaw-dropping selfishness and temerity to (ever since he's felt safe) increasingly act like he's young, free, single (and available, I'm betting!) (sorry) while you're treated as if you're nothing but the hired (and paid peanuts), live-in housekeeper, nanny, launderer, etc., etc., etc.! (and breaaathe...)... Then you, missus, are a Relationship, Five-Times-Running, Olympian Gold Medallist! Seriously. Married to a covert-and-passive-emotional-torturer-starver-insulter-cowardly-weasely-spiteful-spoilt-icy-pompous-brat-hypocrite for two whole decades WHILE being a career-mother to not one, not two, not three, but FOUR KIDS!? (To be sung, whilst spinning on-the-spot, please: "Won-der wo..man!") (Cheers) There's self-sacrificial and then there's THAT. Just imagine if all your gargantuan effort had been being put into a marriage with a normal, loving, INTERESTED bloke... What a waste (not really - you got 4 great kids-for-life), but, anyway... I've got *too* much to say so, safer if I let you hear those from your same boat... (Really, really sorry to be the messenger, but - you're still soaring DESPITE the heavy monkey on your back so, ...literally...WHATEVER you do or by-when - the only way is UP. DOUBLE-Up! I'm not worried about you AT ALL, but if you need moral and other support - just keep posting when you can. But - yup. He's outrageous. If he thinks that's any kind of marriage (for YOU!) or father-child relationship (for the KIDS!), then ...he's from another planet. Trouble is...they don't care. They just. don't. care. Only about themselves and whatever serves them. Just as long as you (his top-secret mum) and the kids/ make Little Lord Fontelroy-The-Lad look like a normal, functional, respectable husband and father (and human-being). Probably because it was good for his career and promotion prospects. :( ____________________________________________________________________________________________ https://www.quora.com/What-is-it-like-to-have-a-cerebral-narcissist-for-a-significant-other-and-do-they-seek-supply-as-aggressively-as-a-somatic-narcissist "What is it like to have a cerebral narcissist for a significant other and do they seek supply as aggressively as a somatic narcissist?" 1. Anonymous ************* 6y Cerebral narcissist are more in need of intelligence supply than the somatic who is more sexual and appearance based disorder. Therefore, their supply they seek will be praise for their brain rather than there body. They are more likely to be heavily involved in their careers to gain recognition amongst their boss and coworkers. This type of narcissism is developed due to severe resentment towards their own parent of the opposite sex. They have such strong negative feelings that it completely distorts their view on the gender other than their own. In a relationship, they tend to be the most cruel towards their significant others. After the relationship is stably established, usually after the SO, shows significant trust, love, and overall commitment (sometimes married or not), the cerebral narcissist starts to pull away mainly with emotions, affection, romance and sexually. They will go long stretches of cold, unemotional periods, withholding sex. Sometimes years. They prefer masturbation over intimacy with their SO, or anyone else, yet they also have homosexual tendencies. Reason being because of how they feel towards the opposite sex. Their upbringing was abusive emotionally, and sometimes physically and/or sexually. The cerebral narcissist makes for the worse partner and the SO will be living an extremely confusing, frustrating, damaging to self esteem, abusive, lonely life. Definitely not the ideal partner. 2. Jessi Leaman **************** Follow MPH in Epidemiology & Biostatistics, Indiana University (Graduated 2015)Updated 4y "...I have so many stories that I wish to tell. But I want to leave my answer with this final thought. When the abuse began, it started small. The narcissist slowly began to condition me with how to respond in order to receive his affections. He set the tone of the relationship and took away my power, my voice, and my spirit. Don’t ever let someone take these away from you. It is not normal to have conversations or interactions dictated to or for you. It is not normal for someone to monopolize your time, but they never seem to have any time for you. It is not normal for someone to prioritize everyone else and you last. If you can relate to anything I have said, you should take some time to evaluate whether or not you are in a happy and healthy relationship. Don’t do what I did, there is no payoff and you will end up a shell of the person you once were. NOTE: For more on cerebral narcissist traits, you can see a detailed list of those in my answers in my profile." ((SM: as follows at the bottom - this survivor's good at describing/explaining.)) __________________________________________________________________________________________ https://www.quora.com/profile/Jessi-Leaman/ 3. Jessi Leaman **************** Follow MPH in Epidemiology & Biostatistics, Indiana University (Graduated 2015)4y "Is a cerebral narcissist more likely to stay in a relationship longer than a somatic narcissist?" I will start by saying I was in a relationship with my ex cerebral narcissist for 7 years. Holding out this long nearly broke me, but I have read stories of people who have held out for much longer. From what I have read, the typical somatic relationship is about a three year cycle which usually ends because of infidelity. With a cerebral narc, they are not driven by sex. They are driven by the need to be intellectually superior. So as long as you don’t mind being treated like you are a stupid pile of shit while meeting all of the narc’s needs, they will stay with you for as long as you hold out. A cerebral narcissist will only lose interest and punish you if you try to be your own independent person with your own free will and thoughts different than those of the narc. For you see, a cerebral narcissist will say they love you because of how smart you are, but in actuality, they only keep you around to fill the void they feel when their adoring public doesn’t sing their intellectual praises. Just avoid both. Save yourself the pain of loving someone who considers you no more interesting then the back of a f*cking newspaper. ((Soulmate's Asterisk-ing)) "Do narcissists groom empaths to crave their highs and lows? Even after enduring unthinkable abuse, why would someone want to return to a narc versus cultivating a healthy relationship?" For many, it’s because they don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like to begin with. You will usually find that people who end up with narcissists spent their childhoods trying to gain love and affection from their parents (or guardians). Physical, verbal, and emotional abuse is not uncommon either. The cycle of highs and lows is usually already there. And narcissists are all too happy to exploit it. People in healthy relationships have something that many people lack from their childhoods: love and acceptance of themselves. Victims of narcissistic abuse have to first build a healthy relationship with themselves before building it with someone else. Otherwise, they may end up in the same situation over and over again. By giving oneself they love you think you deserve, you begin to be less tolerant of people who make you feel undeserving of love. This is not an easy undertaking. For many, the abuse, although painful, is familiar. The devil you know is often the easier route to take, because the path to self love is usually isolating and lonely. As you begin to love yourself, you may lose people that you thought you were close to, but soon realize that those relationships were one-sided. "What was the incident or “aha moment” that made you finally leave your relationship with a narcissist?" My “aha” moment came on what I thought was going to be a normal Saturday. My husband (now ex-husband) and I had just bought a house together and were in the beginning stages of moving in. Somehow when moving stuff from our apartment to the house the day before, my car got a flat tire. I wasn’t the one driving it when we were moving back and forth, but flat tires happen. I discovered the flat tire on the Saturday morning because I wanted to go out and get a coffee from Starbucks. I knew I had a spare tire in my trunk, but neither me nor my ex knew how to put on a spare. Nor did I have a jack or the proper tools. So I called AAA to have them come out to the house to put on the spare so I could schedule an appointment to get my tire fixed. This wasn’t ideal but it was the best I knew how to do at the time. I was exhausted from the move and I was having issues with my ex, but was willing to stick it out and work with him on our issues. That is, I was willing until the events that unfolded in the next few hours drove me to leave. I told my ex that I called AAA to come out and put a spare tire on my car so I could drive it to a nearby auto place and replace the tire. My ex proceeded to tell me that AAA wasn’t meant for that kind of service and I should have called my parents or a friend to put it on for me. He told me we would have to pay for this on top of a new tire. He made me feel guilty for the flat tire on my car, which I didn’t drive on the day of the move and didn’t cause. I was conditioned to apologize for things that weren’t my fault, so this was just another event that I assumed the blame for. The AAA guy came. My ex was in a sour mood and took to handling the situation. By handling, I mean he went outside to tell the AAA guy that I called him because I didn’t know how to replace a tire. The AAA guy went about his business to put on the spare. What happened next, I will be honest, is a blur. I remember standing just outside of the garage, my ex in the drive and the AAA guy on the ground almost finished with his work. I don’t remember what the guy said, but it was something to the effect of we could have handled this on our own if we had the right tools. And I don’t remember at all what my ex said to me, but he said it in a tone of voice I frequently heard him talk to or about his mom. Whatever he said, I remember it was demeaning, insulting, and humiliating as he had said it in front of a stranger. I froze for a few seconds before running inside. I proceeded to run up the stairs and into an empty closet in the back bedroom. I began to sob. And I don’t mean a normal cry. I was sobbing hard. It was as if all of the hurtful, humiliating things my ex had said and done to me were coming down on me at once. After 30 minutes of non-stop sobbing, my ex finally comes to find me. When he opened the closet, he looked at me, blank face and said nothing. I continued to sob. After a few minutes of him awkwardly watching me, he asks me, “Should I call you a hotline?” Then it hit me. He didn’t care about my feelings. He didn’t care if I was sad, happy, angry, or anything in between. My feelings had no effect on him. This realization hit me like a train. I stopped sobbing. I stood up, looked into his eyes one last time. They were void of any emotional connection with me. Void of empathy. Just void. With that, I left without saying a word. I got into my car with the donut-spare, drove to our old apartment, and proceeded to cry non-stop for the next 6 hours. My ex didn’t come after me. Instead, he threw himself a pity party by getting drunk on vodka and asked me (through text) if I had made anything for dinner that he could eat from the fridge. We went to marriage counseling at the pressing of my parents and his, but it just made things worse. Leaving that day was the best thing I ever did. ______________________ "My husband and I have been married 20 years and have 4 teenagers. He makes a very good living and I stay home and manage the house, kids, and everything in our lives. He works long hours and fields calls, emails, and work problems outside of his hours. He wants to spend the time he’s not at work decompressing by playing golf, sitting alone in his tv room, or hanging out with his nonmarried buddies. The problem is he does not make me or the kids a priority at all. We don’t travel because he can’t get away from work (but he manages to use his vacation days to take a few guys trips every year). I do everything for the kids alone including travel so they get some experiences in their childhood. We are rarely intimate. He seems to want a marriage of convenience and expects me to be low maintenance. He doesn’t give me what I need from a partner. I want him to love me and prioritize our marriage and relationship. Are we in a middle age rut? In 5 years when we have an empty nest will there be anything left? I appreciate that he makes enough money to support us but at what cost?? ...he’s 48 and I’m 45. We’ve been married 20 years this summer. When we were dating, first married things were great! I felt like he worked so hard to get to a place where he could be the sole provider and enable me to stay home and raise the kids because it’s what we both wanted. But he gets personal validation from making a lot of money and having wealth. (Exactly like his father, who has been married 5 times-but has always valued money/work above all else). So I see that there’s some deeper issue of why he wants/needs to provide for us this way. When I try to talk to him, he gets frustrated and shuts it down because in his mind, having money and being able to stay home and be a country club wife should make me happy. He thinks he’s doing enough for the family. He only sees what he IS able to do/provide for us but won’t acknowledge that we’d just prefer his TIME." (- You...first and (so far) last post) _______________________________________________ It's subtle, but - you three sound very similar - did you notice? And regardless of the particular details, the underlying ATTITUDE these women were subjected to is without a doubt, similar. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Here's Jesse's Checklist for your Covert-Cerebral-Narc (same link). Tell me if yours makes you pity him to dis-arm your anger and frustration, or wooed you via your sympathy for his past, life 'trauma(s)'? Profile photo for Jessi Leaman Jessi Leaman · Follow Updated 6y What are traits common to people with cerebral narcissism? The following are all of the traits (some verbatim) that I experienced being married to a cerebral narcissist. An insatiable need to be intellectually superior Puts on the illusion of embodying philosophical constructs to put themselves above everyone else, especially people they claim to be close to (and will impose those ideologies on their supply) Demeaning behavior toward the success of others (especially their supply, whether it be a spouse or close friend(s)). They trivialize the success of others and exaggerate their own successes Arrogant Believe they are obligated to “share their life and light with everyone” (verbatim), even complete strangers They will love bomb you, tell you “I love you” very early on, claim you are their soulmate and their intellectual equal They will tell you that their ex was stupid, ignorant, and intellectually beneath them They will foster jealousy by spending time with women that they often fantasized of dating, but instead are dating you. This will make you feel so honored that they chose you, at the same time making you jealous and feel utterly worthless Do not prioritize their “intimate” relationships. They will ALWAYS prioritize other people (even strangers) over their partner (but claim they gave everything up for you) Have no concept of intimacy They cannot stand public displays of affection They won’t miss you if you are the one missing them. They only miss you when they feel like they aren’t in control of their supply and will act like they miss you to win you back Boast about minor achievements and put it on display to make sure everyone knows how intelligent and altruistic they are (via social media, participation in blogs, and through interactions) They take all of the credit for group work Complete lack of empathy. They can watch you cry with a straight face and let you know how your behavior makes them feel uncomfortable Competitive (they constantly need to be in the lime light) The have a distorted sense of sex (you have to beg for it, they do not care about your needs, they will call you “lustful” (verbatim) for wanting to be touched, and they typically have a history of desiring to be completely celibate). They also seem to be completely grossed out by the female body They typically have a history of porn addiction They HATE conflict The HATE being emasculated. They don’t want to be held to “those antiquated gender norms” (verbatim) They categorize their “friends” into groups based on their value and how they can enhance the cerebral narcissists life. My narc did this, and if his friends knew where they stood in his “quadrants of friendship”, he would have no friends They get depressed at any slight to their ego They cannot handle constructive criticism They are often awkward and clumsy (may have been bullied as a child) They don’t care about the way they dress or personal hygiene They need to be in control Often, they are financially abusive and (even when engaged or married) keep tabs on how much you spend or they spend on you They believe everything has to be fair They do not remember or celebrate special days and never get you a meaningful gift, but expect you to put on a party with all of their friends or do something that makes them feel special They have a justification for every poor behavior they exhibit, and often make you the one with the problem They make you feel clingy and needy for wanting a normal amount of attention They ignore and neglect you (and get mad when you bring it up in conversation) If you do something they don’t like in public, they will let you know how much you embarrassed them and how you are always doing things to make them look bad They will NEVER have your back or support you They will NEVER be excited or happy for you They do not remember the little details that make you, you They can discard you without shedding a single tear They will blame you for all of their failures no matter what They will make you feel crazy for having feelings You will feel the need to always be perfect, to be their intellectual equal. And in doing so, you will lose who you are. You will become a shell of the person you once were You may develop mental health problems, commonly unexplained anxiety. You can also become depressed, develop eating problems, feel like you are constantly living outside your body, you can’t have genuine connections with others (even family), and you can even start to engage in self harm without knowing why (this is all due to something called cognitive dissonance, a survival behavior employed by your brain to protect you from extended time spent in extreme stress) You may experience panic attacks for the first time in your life You constantly feel like you have to ask the narcissist if they love you. They will say yes, but you just don’t quite believe them You will feel alone, isolated, and convinced that nobody likes you and everyone adores the narcissist They will betray your secrets and tell the entire world information you trusted with them They have either no or strained/uncomfortable relationships with their parents They do not value family They will do anything to promote themselves to make themselves look good. This is usually done by putting on the front that they are humbly altruistic while simultaneously brag about all of the good things they do (the charities they volunteer for or donate to). This is especially cunning because most people believe that they are good people, when in all reality, they are doing all of this to be a martyr. They like the glory and admiration that comes by acting as a martyr. Don’t fall for it. My narc once pretended to be homeless. He interacted with the homeless (people who truly need help), ate food with them and asked them personal questions on how they ended up where they were. He took advantage of these people and was surprised when they took offense at his charade. Normal people donate food or money and never mention it again. Then some people actually take time out of their day to volunteer because they care, but you don’t see them using that as a means to gain admirers or solicit attention. They crave constant attention They are primarily emotionally abusive and manipulative. Once, my narcissist slammed his fist down on the bed, signaling to me the threat of hitting me if I did not stop arguing with him (so they can be physically abusive as well) They do not have their own hobbies or traits that make them stand out as a unique individual They put on the illusion that they are, or could be, experts in any field They often get bored of people if they spend too much time with them (which is why the spouse or close friend has to constantly change their personality to fit the narc and receive attention). There are journal entries of my narc where he states that people he calls his close friends bore him because they have run out of things to talk about Bottom line, cerebral narcs are abusive, cunning, and have people in their lives convinced that they are good people. Good people don’t destroy other people without batting an eye. Please escape if you can. They will ruin you inside and out. Do not stay friends, remove yourself completely from their lives. It will save you years of emotional turmoil and silent suffering. I am sharing what I know because it has been reassuring that I am not the only one out there who has undergone this experience. It has been over a year and I still suffer from the mental scars, but I am in a much better place than I was. I have myself back. _______________________________________ My own final nutshelling on this would be: - Malignant 'Alvert' Narcissistic Sociopath (aka secondary psychopath): Their fauxlationship with you, that they falsely, protractedly lured you into, is their JOB and you are their job DUTY (for a while, until the Devalue stage clicks-in in their corrupted programmes, whereupon you just become their pay-packet, after which, they cease even turning up to 'work'....down-down-down-splat). - Malignant Covert Narcissist (closest in subtle/'silent' manipulation M.O. to a primary (actual, natural-born but corrupted) psychopath): You are their 'KEPT' STAFF whom they 'scooped from the gutter' (i.e. seriously-underpaid, and with zero benefits). - All types: (Famous Meme) Narcissists insist you give up Everything in order to be their Nothing. Thoughts (if you're still there)?

PS: This, by Anonymouse, needs elaborating on: "From what I have read, the typical somatic relationship is about a three year cycle which usually ends because of infidelity." Three years or less. Depends on what they need at the time of meeting: whether a relationship as a mask of sanity/respectability (and to be extra-'attractive' as "stolen fruit" to would-be mistresses with ego problems themselves, including not liking adult women, least of all your "Wonder Women"), or to make like a 'locker room' Lad/Player, impressing other Lads (and repulsing nice men) with tales of their latest con-job conquests and one-nighters. "With a cerebral narc, they are not driven by sex." Depends again. Narcissism is about DEGREES of the normal as well the presence of the distinctly abnormal. They equally can be over-sexed (which really, is, addicted to validation) (the non-good-looking ones who got rejected as teens, now with lots to prove and axes to grind). Can depend on whether YOU want it. If so, they'll deliberately withhold it (and get it elsewhere - see above Cerebral Who Thinks He's Now A Sexy Lad because, if not looks, he at least has money & power-power & money (and an expensive-looking suit and motor)). If you're NOT that into it, or that often, they'll pester you for it. They'll use even things THEY care about, to manipulate and deprive you and manage you down and down. Secretly, they're all massively chauvenistic and/or misogynistic (ditto the mysandristic females). "They are driven by the need to be intellectually superior. So as long as you don’t mind being treated like you are a stupid pile of shit while meeting all of the narc’s needs, they will stay with you for as long as you hold out" They rarely actually leave you, though. It's usually threats/bluff to shut you up (forever)...unless they meet a "BETTER" lackey/slave (more conquerable/tameable/mistreatable than you). "A cerebral narcissist will only lose interest and punish you if you try to be your own independent person with your own free will and thoughts different than those of the narc." No, it's if you THRIVE by it...are HAPPY or even just content with your own little world (24-7 low paid, low perked job). Otherwise, your Cerebral Covert is pleased you're constantly busy and distracted, because then you don't have an eye free to keep on him. One caveat: ...IF you maintain giving HIM (/her) star treatment whenever they grace you with His Highness's presence and click their fingers. "For you see, a cerebral narcissist will say they love you because of how smart you are, but in actuality, they only keep you around to fill the void they feel when their adoring public doesn’t sing their intellectual praises." And to be said Staff (Household Servant). PS: Do you know his salary (including Share dividends) and outgoings? (Do you even have a joint, primary bank account?) Have you seen actual evidence? And do you have equal access rights to the marital wealth and assets or is he the keeper of the finances whom plays down his annual income and any bonuses, thereby seeming to be fairly generous, meanwhile giving you a limited credit-card for the household expenses and "single parent" holidays?

Another grey area: "Boast about minor achievements and put it on display to make sure everyone knows how intelligent and altruistic they are (via social media, participation in blogs, and through interactions)" Depends on whether they're the outgoing type type. The more "robotic" and/or "geeky" and/or "Silver Spoon" (rich parents, good education) type - and/or the more veteran amongst the Coverts - tend to keep a greyed-out profile pic on Fakebook and are extremely frugal with information or any real participation (giving away as little as possible). It'll tend to be their partners who post about the kids and family life, made to play sole Social Secretary. (PS: if you find out the current live-in 24-7 salary of all the roles you play in that "meugh"rriage, you'll see how cushy he has it AND what a HUGE yearly amount of money ("his"...'whats yours is mine and what's mine is mine" - Covert Narcs) you're saving him. (They want to be buried in their banknotes and Share certificates.)

"They don’t care about the way they dress or personal hygiene" Don't agree with this one; this is more your Narc-Sociopath (Secondary 'Psychopath'), Lower Functioning (or because you have standards and so it pisses you off, which malignants see as a 'score'). But even THEY can scrub up well. Covert Narcs care far too much about their image-image-image, even to their victim, and what people think of them, even their victim, even right after abusing them. Covert-Vulnerables and full-blown Sociopaths tend to be the Slobs. Or they dress well in public but act like an unshaven, unwashed, almost-tramp behind closed doors. Reckon the writer cared about these things ergo that's where her Nex aimed. (If you complain or warn something hurts and not to touch, you've basically painted a bullseye on you and they WILL deliberately take aim at it: 'Anything you say to a Covert Narcissist WILL be taken down and later used against you.' (E.g. "That's it - I'm going on a diet!" / (Few nights later) "I bought you home a bar of chocolate and tub of ice-cream to show you I do actually appreciate you". But whatever way any type of Narc leans (or refuses to lean), you can be sure it'll be extreme, O.T.T., out-of-kilter, unreasonable, etc. Too Much versus Pathetic Crumbs (or totally absent), or both (back-forth, Push-You/Pull-Me, sweet-mean...).