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In a dilemma

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I am in a pickel and I need help .so here is my story. I met my husband 2018 online and we got married in 2019 December but since we live in different continent's it's hard for use to see each other. When we started we are so much in love but still we didn't know each other that much but it wasn't a problem for me because I trust easy. So on 2022 he was arrested and he has been in jail since, I Don't what happened and I get the details because we live in different countries as I said. So since the end 0f 2019,we haven't seen each other because of distance. When he was arrested I felt pretty bad because he was providing me everything and I had to start from scratch, in that moment I met someone we didn't plan to get involved but we did and now I love him more than my husband. The problem is when got married to husband I lost myself because even being miles away he controls my life and manipulates me emotionally, I Didn't have freedom to even go to my family because it will cause a lot of arguments and me called names ,he lost his job several times and I am always to be blamed for it and calls and text every person in my family to tell them how I am cheating him ,which is a lie .he threatened me to call police and pay someone to kill me if I ever leave him . When I met the new guy I found my confidence and pieces of me back, I am not yet back to myself because I don't what he will do if he knew I have cheated on him because I don't know what he will do . So the problem is my family love my husband because he gives them a lot of money and they don't want to understand that I am not happy in how he treats and emotionally I am exhausted being exploited and manipulated because when he gives me money ,he thinks he has the right over me .I can't talk to my family about what I am going through, the new guy he is understanding,he knows I am married and still makes me happy even being far away . So please what should I do ,I am confused, I don't know what to do

In a dilemma

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Hello, Needhelp!! Take a deep breath with me for a second. You're showing a lot of courage right now and it will all be ok. Regardless of any merits he might have had when you met, he is harmful to you now, no doubt about it. True love doesn't feel the need to threaten or control. Likewise, your family should prioritize you and your happiness over their money. You don't deserve to be treated in this way regardless of the situation. Here are my first questions: have you ever met him in-person? Has your entire relationship been on the internet? Are any of his threats credible; can he actually harm you? Next: is the man you're involved with now good to you? Does he take care of you and want to help you? Knowing what I do from your post, am I right to assume that you're at least partially able to get enough money to care for yourself? Are you able to talk to anyone locally who can help you? And do you think it would be safe to leave? If your family takes your husband's side in this, it would be wise to have plenty of resources prepared to keep yourself safe and far away from them. While I await your response, I hope that you remember that you're worth more than any money some jerk can pay your family. You deserve to be happy, confident, and free; that includes a partner who makes you feel safe and loved, not trapped and afraid.

In a dilemma

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Hello GRIG,Thank you so much for your reply. have you ever met him in-person? Yes I have met in person but for a month and that's when we got married, I wasn't ready but I did it. Has your entire relationship been on the internet? Most of it because since we got married we have never met in person again.Are any of his threats credible; can he actually harm you? Yes he can harm me. He went to prison for threatening a police officer and his family, that is what the mother told me.Next: is the man you're involved with now good to you? He is kind and understanding ,he doesn't force me to stay in the house but lets me work unlike my husband. Does he take care of you and want to help you? He does and I feel guilty for putting him in this position because i am afraid he might not get the best of me given the circumstances. I don't have anyone I can talk about this expect the guy I am dating and I don't want to overwhelm him with my problems . My family will not support me because of they only saw his generosity and I tried to talk to my mum about it once, he shut me up and I couldn't even express anything. I am from a broken family and I want someone who makes me feel safe and he doesn't because I am worried if go back to him ,what happens when he gets arrested again ,how will start over in a totally different country. I am not after money because I can make on my own but I want someone who makes me feel safe and loved and what I am afraid where I come from they don't allow divorce, so I don't know what will happen but every time I talk to him what I am feeling he calls me naive and stupid ,so I have learnt to keep everything inside and it hurts more .I am afraid on what to do ?

In a dilemma

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This guy seems to care a lot about you, and I think your heart’s in the right place in not wanting to rely too heavily on him, but there’s no need to be ashamed to need help either. He might have some ideas or be able to give you a little help. As my father always said, the squeaky wheel gets the grease! I’d rather you be safe than sorry over a threat to your life, so I’ll try to advise you with danger in mind. Do you have any text conversations from him where he’s threatened you? You mentioned that your country doesn’t let you get divorced, but maybe if you showed them to someone who could help you, like a nonprofit, they might be able to help you? I don’t want to ask you any questions that make you feel uncomfortable, but what country is your husband from? And in what country did you get married? The legality of this will be tricky but there’s bound to be a way through if we look. And again, I would definitely urge you not to talk to your family!!! It could be risky if any of them says something about you to your husband. Talk to them as much as you need to to keep up appearances, but don’t give any hints that you might be thinking about getting away from this jerk. If every member of your family is on your husband’s side, you will need to take measures to get away from them so you can stay safe.

In a dilemma

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I do have a lot of texts from him threatening my life and even my family but I shared with my family and they said you must have made him angry . I have never thought of reach out to any non profit organisation, I tried here first . The guy I am with Is kind I told him and he has helped in a way but I haven't been fully transparent because he sees me as a strong person .I am from Kenya and my husband is from USA but he keeps telling me ,he can pay money to anyone to kill me if he wants . So I am afraid when he knows I am with someone. I haven't told my family about anything but they won't support me ,so it's just me and God .

In a dilemma

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I'll see is I can find any information that's specific to your country. Did he come to Kenya to marry you through the Kenyan legal system? Or did you travel to the US and get married there? I don't know if what I am reading is accurate, but I do see a few legal grounds for divorce in your country. I'll link the page. I'm sorry that it's in English, you may have more luck searching than I did since we're in different regions begislaw.com/divorce-in-kenya-grounds-for-divorce Here it says that, depending on the type of marriage, there are a few ways to end it legally. Unless it was an Islamic marriage, which is governed by different courts, it seems like you may be able to prove at least one of these things. After that, the challenge would of course be your family. Assuming you can trust the legal system, the court could probably order your family to share their own messages with him for more proof that he is not good to you. Did he ever want you to stay with him in the US? When you marry a US citizen you should be granted a marriage visa that would allow you to visit the US. Do you think that, because he is an American citizen, it might be possible to divorce him through the US legal system? Like I said, I'll see if I can find anything that would help. If you can find one, possibly through a nonprofit, a good lawyer might be able to give you better advice on this.

In a dilemma

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I'm really sorry to hear about the difficult situation you're facing. It sounds incredibly challenging and complex. It's clear that you're feeling trapped and unhappy in your marriage, and it's understandable that you've found comfort and support in someone else. First and foremost, your safety and well-being are paramount. If you're in a situation where you feel threatened or afraid, it's important to take steps to protect yourself. Threats of violence or harm are serious, and you should not ignore them.

In a dilemma

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Hello Don, thank you so much for taking your time to answer me ,it's very challenging, I am afraid I might make a wrong decision, all I need is to be happy ,this life is short and I just want to be happy living, rather than being worried of what will he do today ? Or being married and searching for someone to make you feel good online because someone can't treat you right. I hope I make the right decision, I know not everyone will be happy about it but it's my life

In a dilemma

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Hello GRIG, sorry I have been just immersing myself at work not to think about what to do . Coming from a broken family, where you father tells you ,you are not his because he has other children from another woman and beating and mistreating your mother everyday in your presence, had done a lot of damage to me and I prayed God to give me a loving husband but at the moment is not the case . But I promised myself I don't want anyone to threat me how my father treated my mum but again you afraid what will people say when you leave the marriage because they won't understand. So I am reliving moments and it hurts and I am just confused and not sure how to get out of it . The only thing that is helping now ,is because he is in jail and far away but I still get messages from him saying don't dare cheat or leave me or you will die . But I am learning to be strong and trust God will help me make the right decision. I hope by the time he gets out ,I will have the decision but still worried, how will he receive or interpret? So many things going through my mind now but thank you for taking your time to help me ,it means so much ,I hope one day I get therapy about all the trauma I have.

In a dilemma

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No worries, needhelp! I have also been hard at work this week and I only hope you are doing well. I am glad to hear that you know you deserve better, and that you can lean on your faith during this. Please remember: if you ever need more help, this forum is always open to you! We will do all that we can!

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