I cheat on my husband p. 2

Hello, This is connected to thread: https://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/12835/i-cheat-on-my-husband which I posted about 3 years back. In short: I was cheating on my husband with a younger man. I was doing it purely for the pleasure of sex. Things back then "fixed" themselves by having my secret lover go abroad for his master's degree. I went back to my husband and although things were not the same, because I knew what I've done, I managed to keep the marriage and relationship together. He did not understand about my affair. Initially I was miserable that I lost the other man. I thought I've developed feelings for him and wanted to do and have more with him. Then, things changed when he left. Until last year, when he returned to the country. After getting back, he reached out to me. I was surprised that he still remembered me. He wanted to meet me. At first I felt shaky and worried. My heart was beating fast, my whole body was tense. But I agreed to meeting him on the next day. I was so nervous, that my husband noticed it, and he is usually not good at noticing such things. When he asked me what it was, I told him it's women stuf. It works usually for getting away with other moods. The next day I went at his place. I had so much going on in my mind, and I wanted to talk so much with him. When he saw each other, all words were gone. We couldn't speak much. We had sex! Twice! I feel dirty admitting it now, though being online in front of strangers. He told me he missed me. Stupid me responded that I missed him too. He told me he was going to stay for 3 more days and he wanted to see me every single one. As my husband was usually busy in the evenings in the gym with clients, we met after work and I stayed with him till late in the evening. I lied to my husband that I was meeting an old schoolmate, who was back from abroad for a week. On the last day, I skipped work and went to be with him all day, as his flight was going to be in the evening. When I got home, I cried a lot. Because I lost him again, and who knew when I would see him again. And because I hide it from my husband and lied to him. He did not deserve it. He's a rough, tough man, but also has a huge heart. A month later, my secret lover found me in social media app. We were chatting almost every day. I felt again like a teenager with him. Months went by like this. I felt him closer, although we were living apart in different countries. We got to know a lot about each other and shared a lot of our secrets. He came two more times to the country, once we met, the other time we couldn't, as I had family emergency. Now, what's gone wrong is that this guy proposed to me to move with him abroad. He already settled down. When he went to study the master's degree, he got a job. He raised a lot in it. So he felt confident enough to live with the girl of his dreams, and this was me. At first, I reminded him about my husband. It seemed this was not a worry for him. He said that divorces happened all the time, plus this is one of a time opportunity. I do not have a stable job here, while he found a few positions there that would be suitable for me. I just need to go. The problem is that I want to do it. I know I've been married for 8 years, but once the other guy came back and expressed his persistent interest in me, my feelings grew for him. I don't love my husband the way I loved him when we married. I surely care about him, and wish him the best, but I perceive him as a friend now. I don't see same feelings in him either as in our first years of the relationship. I don't know... I might be doing the most stupid choice in my life, but I feel I belong with the other guy and want to go and live with him. I just need help how to tell my husband. I already shared this whole story with my best friend and with my sister, got their opinions. But I need more opinions about the way to introduce my decision to my husband that I am leaving him. And that I'm not doing the wrong thing. Any suggestions would be appreciated, even if you tell me bad things!

Girl you gotta follow your heart, but make sure you bring your brain. If the relationship really is at a dead end or declining you can consider this new opportunity, but be prepared for all the hardships that come with moving so far. You would most likely be leaving your entire social network and everything you've known. Mostly just that the relationship with your current husband will be nearly destroyed. I would sit with this for as long as is possible and consider all the downfalls in your marriage in order to present them to him when the time is right. Idk of it would smart to tell him your real plans, maybe even wait to move after the (potential) divorce. Just explain that your heart isn't truly in it like it used to be and you know his isn't either. Be sure that he's heard in the discussion and understood. Be there for him as much as possible because it will probably be absolutely devastating Also take into account what you have with Mr. Affair. Was there a real connection at first, or was it just sex? Is he a safe person for you? How long have you known him and how well? Can he provide for you mentally, physically, and financially (while you get your footing in his country)? Most importantly are you ready to spend your life or most of it with him and in that country? I hope this helps even a little and that you think very hard on this! Much love to you in whatever happens. (Get that d hehehe)

I think you're really horrible human being. Your husband deserves better. You knew exactly what you were doing the moment you decided to cheat. If you're so unhappy and he can't satisfy be an adult and address your issues within your marriage. Own up to your mistakes and pray that he forgives you.

If any normal man had "a girl of his dreams", he wouldn't want to leave the country. Nor would he have to 'reach out to you' before returning for a visit to your country. He'd have kept up the contact regularly. And if he was into you enough to marry you - DAILY...phoning every morning and every night (or at least nightly). And MANY other signs implicit and extrapolative than that. This isn't love, it's Addiction. And he's behaving like a Narc. Which explains the addiction. (And they HAVE to be good at sex to hook you in the beginning and to keep you hooked even when they start treating you like their personal, captive, slave and emotional prey. WARNING: they often want to lure their victim away from their comfort and safety zone...family, friends, everything familiar. It's a drastic form of (google) Isolating Their Victim. You have a choice: A. Do the right and moral, respectful thing (which you were told on your original thread) and tell your husband that your marriage is clearly in trouble hence - off to Couples Counselling you go and, if that doesn't work to put the spark back in (if it's even still an ember, it will, and it's surprisingly easy, too), both file for divorce (if it's amicable, you can still remain good friends), be single and recover from the disappointment of your non-lasting marriage for a decent period, and THEN think about romance with someone else. It'll raise your pride and self-esteem, which will make you attract better quality men... Men whom accordingly *don't* say and surface-behave one thing but in terms of meaningful, expected, NORMAL actions, do the opposite (fail to keep up contact/communication) as is, itself, a HUGE Red Flag that trouble and misery (only for you) lies ahead (and your husband obviously won't want to rescue you). And what makes it harder: Narcissists aren't ALWAYS bad ("too good to leave/too bad to stay"); they know to tighten and fortify your psychological chains by Love/Nice/Sex-Bombing you again (which makes your brain release its own Heroin, making him the pusher and you the addicted user, constantly chasing after the original High...the Nice person you first knew (whom never comes back because he was an ACTED CHARACTER for the purposes of luring you away from another man (huge ego boost).... don't get me started cos I could go on all day... B. Go and meet your punishment from Fate/God/whatever for being bad and hurting an innocent. It's very common to hear a victim (even if they're not an innocent one) saying things like, they wanted to stay away but couldn't, or were just looking for something casual and can't even remember HOW OR WHEN they SOMEHOW got hooked. Google "Narcissist - Love-Bombing" and "- Hypnotic Effect". It's when they've GOT you (in your case if you go - over a barrel) that the mask slowly-and-steadily (OR in one go) comes off and your Prince has turned into the nastiest, most non-cooperative, unsupportive, most spiteful, most constantly-irritable-with-you (into outright BULLYING) specimen on the planet (which is a total mind-f**k that causes deep trauma) and you start saying, over and over, "If only I'd listened to the advice and warnings". (What comes next, is isolating you from your own common sense - google "Narcissistic Boyfriend/lover - Gaslighting" You may not be behaving morally, decently and upstandingly, BUT YOU DON'T DESERVE THAT. NO-ONE DOES OR COULD (short of, because they'd stabbed to death the person's Granny). So have some more warnings ((double-brackets and asterisks are mine)): https://thenarcissisticlife.quora.com/If-a-narcissist-is-making-me-move-to-his-country-does-that-mean-he-wants-to-isolate-me-or-just-to-get-to-know-me-better Quora victim-survivors of Narc Abuse: QUESTION: If a narcissist is making me move to his country, does that mean he wants to isolate me or just to get to know me better? ___________________________________________________________ 1. Katherine Miura, LMFT, Author · Follow Owner at Psychotherapist in Private Practice (2021–present) · Mar 4 It is ALWAYS about control. Narcissists love control like the rest of us long to be loved. *****He could get to know you better where you are if he CHOSE TO DO SO. Infatuation can be feigned and used to manipulate. Love bombing is very intoxicating.***** ____________________________________________________________ 2. Preethi Sonia · Follow Professional Hypnotist · Mar 5 Its most often always the former. Narcissists want to have control over their victims and they will move to any lengths to make that happen. It is seldom that they do it out of genuine love or concern for you. There is always an agenda to fulfil their own needs. ___________________________________________________________ https://www.quora.com/Why-do-Narcissist-secretly-correspond-with-women-in-foreign-countries-Do-they-actually-fly-them-to-America QUESTION: Why do Narcissist secretly correspond with women in foreign countries? Do they actually fly them to America? 1. Gaylon McGillicutty · Follow Former Maintenance Technician 3y Because they can! Hahaha in regards to the first part of this question, corresponding with women overseas is rather easy in these days and times of the internet. Narcissist are all about attention and control. Chatting with a woman overseas is a great avenue for the narcissist in that. Look at it. The narcissist has this beautiful, probably younger, woman showing them attention. Sending messages, text, and emails regularly. Having marathon conversations with them. The only thing missing is the physical element. But besides that, the narcissist is getting a ton of attention by this woman overseas. Where the control comes in is this. The narcissist can do whatever they want to with very little fear of getting caught. ******In regards to flying the overseas woman to where the narc is, well the narc has a ton of control over that. They can choose to fly the overseas woman here or not. Narcissist love having that type of control.***** Fact of the matter is, a long distance relationships takes alot of faith in both people's part. You just have to have faith the other person will always do the right thing cause there's not to many ways to prove if they are or aren't. As I said earlier, narcissist know that full well. I actually saw and learned this when I was deployed to Iraq. Not me, but I saw alot of young soldiers with narcissistic spouses and girlfriends back in the states. I saw the difficulties in this and I also saw the tactics and effects the narcissist were using. It all boiled down to faith. Later in life I actually dealt with this. My last wife was from another country. The funny thing is is that eventually the narcissist cannot get around a person's good intuition. A good way to determine if one can have faith in another is by that person's integrity. Narcissist CANNOT fake integrity. They try to fake It, but it's one of the first things of the mask that fall apart. That lack of integrity and the other person's intuition is what usually leads to the first unmasking. I don't care where you are on this planet that is what will happen. That's what happened in my case. The actions did not add up to the words and I quickly began to discover that this person I was dealing with had no integrity whatsoever. I kept seeing over and over, the “ red flags “ my intuition, my common sense kept telling me so rather ((whether?)) I believed it at the time or not. I had had a situation years before with a narcissist here in the states and every part of the cycle was identical. *****To answer the second part of the question, yes, a narcissist will fly a woman overseas to there home country if the narcissist thinks it will benefit them and they have the means.***** If a 65 year old American can convince a 22 year old, attractive Russian woman to fly over here if he pays for it? Sure, he'll ante up the money and do so. If the narc pulls it off, then the narc knows the attention it will gain them. So yeah, if the narc has the means, yeah they'll do it. This thing is a double edged sword though. It ain't just the men who are narcissist and narcissism is not confined to one country. Hahaha That was kinda my case. I met a person from another country who was and is a narcissist. Part of me unmasking them was that I had discovered that they had used men from all over the world in many of the same fashions they'd used me. ( past supply ) . Some of those past supply were still in there life. The narcissist kept stringing them along, giving silent treatments, discards , and the whole cycle. The fact they were from overseas had nothing to do with there narcissism. I hope I have answered the question. Again my answer is is because of attention and control *****and yeah they will fly a woman from overseas to them if it greatly benefits the narcissist and can elevate there status. Narcissist follow the same patterns. They all have the same characteristics and motives. There ya go! Yaw be good to one another and I mean that. And read this...consider it a forecast: https://community.thriveglobal.com/the-invisible-ways-a-narcissist-isolates-you/ "...He engages in intermittent reinforcement The problem with being with a narcissist is that it isn’t all bad. Enter intermittent reinforcement, where you get treated well enough on some days, it confuses you if you should really end the relationship. A part of you takes the times he can be decent or kind as evidence he’s a good person. After all, we all engage in confirmation bias– we only accept evidence that aligns with our worldview, and discard everything else as a fluke. Jonathan says that being abusive and then offering redemption by treating you nicely, makes victims hungry to be a good dependent. Eventually, you willingly isolate yourself, following your narcissists’ terms. He isolates you from your long-time friends and family Sylvia would fall sick whenever my cousin had exams, so Timothy never finished his degree. When my ex played the sick card on the day my best friends flew in, that queasy Sylvia feeling arose. I gave him tablets and went off. Unfortunately, my stubborn nature eventually eroded. You see, a sophisticated narcissist doesn’t explicitly forbid you from spending time with those important to you. Instead, they might charm these people, and utter noncomittaly “She’s cool, I like her”. But when you’re sleepy and therefore suggestible, say things like “Oh, your best friend, she’s shallow, I’m not sure how good they are for you”. I witnessed firsthand how he dined, laughed and hung out with my friends, before turning to me and saying “You’re not allowed to hang out with those dykes. I know you’re having an affair with them.” He justifies his behaviours with an air of superiority. *****The statistics show that new immigrants are especially vulnerable to domestic violence, given that they have uncertain status . Abusers have an added dimension of power, so they can say “This is what men (in this country) do” and “You’re a guest in this country”. Then they may start justifying things on the grounds of spirituality and age— “I’m older, I know better”. Statements like that can cause you to hand your power unknowingly, especially if you think you can trust that person who once promised you they’d help you to settle into the country.***** He isolates you from your hobbies I was the same person who indulged in sensory pleasures, from the beginning. So I couldn’t understand why he accused me of changing, coercing me to give them up. My life shrunk as I gave up singing, dresses and perfumes. Not only was I bored out of my mind, I often checked myself if I was being pompous for pursuing something that gave me joy. I was denigrated as shallow for reading fiction, and then asked “What are you trying to prove” when I read non-fiction. Either way, there was no respite. The things that give us joy and nourish our soul shape our identity. Cut off from them, we eventually lose our sense of self, feeling unanchored and prime targets for more abuse. He stops you from making new friends He starred ((stared)) me down whenever I spoke to mutual male friends. Then he accused female friends of ferrying me to see my lovers. Eventually I started seeing myself though his eyes— was I really the coquette he thought I was? ((Others merely decide, going out with friends gets them too much hassle and headache and isn't worth it)) I checked my behaviours, like the prisoners in Foucault’s Panopticon, feeling guilty when I had to speak with a man to order a taxi, or when a stranger smiled at me. Because he blamed me for triggering him. And when I stopped seeing my friends, he called me a loser, offering to save me from my unhealthiness. Jonathan comments that narcissists are experts at compiling details about others, which they twist to cause doubts as they demonise your community . They summarise their case with phrases like “That person’s a liar”, “They’re evil”, “Stop giving your kids/family too much time, it’s unhealthy for our relationship”, and concomitantly create more attraction for themselves by painting themselves as your saviour. He sabotages your career A common way narcissists do this is to persuade you to give up your career to start a family. You become financially dependent, and so you cannot leave. My friend Shannon Thomas (Licensed Clinical Social Worker) comments that financial dependence makes it the most difficult for abuse survivors to start their new life. Otherwise, his abuse may exhaust you. If you don’t sleep enough, your brain cannot integrate memories and discard the things that don’t matter. Your attention and energy management become compromised. If you live in fear, then cortisol and adrenalin are always coursing through your blood. You are hypervigilant and your adrenals get fatigued. Like an iPhone battery on “Low Power Mode”, your functioning is compromised. Just like that, my ex continuously sabotaged my studies with abuse. Then he stalked me at meetings, insisting I wasn’t there, to justify that I shouldn’t work. Then he diverted emails on my website form to a mysterious mailbox— anything to make me dependent. I get it if you’re reading this and feeling angry with yourself for having been hoodwinked. And one thing I tell all my clients is that you didn’t walk around paranoid for people who might hurt you, and never start living life that way. Instead, the narcissist is a conman adept at deceit and manipulation; the older and more experienced he becomes, the more sophisticated his techniques. ___________________________________________________________ Other isolation tactics, includes, being too flirty, boundary-pushy, unwantedly touchy-feely, and generally too-full-on with your friends, even on first meeting - or acts in whatever ways like an attention-hogging a-hole, talking over everyone and preventing you and they from talking - which puts the nicer friends RIGHT off meeting up with you again in case he comes, unless they ask specifically from then on to meet you alone...but then enter the Narc kicking-up a fuss if you don't take him EVERYWHERE with you (close-up stalking, basically). Have a really good read-up before you make any decision because this is a very familiar and well-known, age-old danger point/crossroads. A very 'Old (rotten) Chestnut'. Salient question: Have you even been for a visit yet, to SEE if and where he lives, etc.? That is a vital pre-requisite, whatever you decide to do (and accept the consequences of). If you DO decide to go - at least spend NOW and the whole run-up making contacts with any local ex-pats via Facebook or that country and region/town's ex-pat forums. Do NOT go, not knowing a soul...and a provably kind and concerned one at that. And PS: Of COURSE he wanted to see you every day. Because it meant he got SEX every day. (WAKEY-WAKEYYYY!)

Also... https://themindsjournal.com/narcissists-target-married-people/ ((by self-confessed Narcissist, HG Tudor)) "When it comes to narcissists, everything is possible for them, especially when it comes to playing manipulative and toxic games. In their quest of satisfying their massive egos, they don’t even hesitate in targeting married people; destroying someone’s marriage makes them feel immensely powerful. ...Our kind often targets married women and men for the purposes of seducing them, causing them to engage in an affair with us and cause us to put asunder that matrimonial union. Why do we target those who are married? Given that our kind generally prefers to be pushing on an open door when it comes to the question of seduction and the fact that we like to conserve energy, why we would pick a target that is already with somebody else? Not only are they with someone else but they are married, joined together by ceremony and therefore this coupling has become elevated to the ultimate statement of commitment and therefore ought to be regarded as unassailable. Here Are 10 Reasons Why Narcissists Target Married People 1. Entitlement. The world is ours and that includes all those within it. We want therefore we should get. 2. Lack of boundary recognition; nothing is off-limits to us. The institution of marriage is one we respect for the purpose of the facade but otherwise, it means nothing to us (The Narcissist and Marriage). 3. Lack of accountability. We might be labeled as a marriage spoiler and home wrecker but what do we care? It won’t be our fault because our narcissistic perspective automatically causes us to advance reasons as to why we have done nothing wrong – “He obviously wasn’t happy otherwise why he did he leave?” 4. Triangulation. A favored manipulation of ours that allows for contrast, the creation of drama, pitting parties against one another, and of course two fuel streams. 5. Magical thinking. This includes the triangulation and lack of accountability as we regard ourselves as actually doing a good thing. We are the White Knight riding in to rescue the damsel in distress or the Angelic Soul tending to the downtrodden man. As is often the case we will portray ourselves as the rescuer – at least to begin with. 6. Omnipotence. Seducing someone single, anybody we choose, and of course, succeeding shows how effective we are. Steal that person away from a partner, our power is even greater. Pluck them from marriage? How mighty are we to be able to do that? 7. Malice. The cuckolded individual might be someone who has mortally offended us and by stealing something so precious as their spouse, then that allows the delivery of sweet revenge on this transgressor. 8. Confirmation of empathic traits. A married person is clearly a love devotee. They will be honest and decent because they agreed to this statement of commitment. They subscribe to the institution of marriage which will indicate a good moral compass. They will be caring since they have agreed to be with another in this environment and that means they will share resources, tend for that person when upset or ill, and so forth. 9. Confirmation of residual benefits. It is highly likely that this individual, being part of a domestic set-up will engage in earning a wage, DIY, cooking, cleaning, tending for the other person, and similar tasks which tell those of our kind who prioritize those matters that these are residual benefits which are ready to be conveyed on us. There may even be property and financial advantages to sequestrate post-divorce. 10. Fuel. By turning the head of this dazzling exotic creature which is locked in a gilded cage, he or she will be grateful, joyous, and ecstatic to be freed and of course, the recipient of all this positive fuel will be us, the glorious rescuer. Throw in the negative fuel of the bested spurned spouse and it is a fuel frenzy. ((And this is if you're 'lucky' enough to get a Benign/Classic. A Malignant can train his (usually dangerous-breed) dog to stop you from leaving the house, and take control of all of your money and assets, etcnightmarecetera.)) ______________________________ JUST ELIMINATE THIS POSSIBILITY FROM THE ENQUIRY BEFORE YOU MAKE ANOTHER MOVE IN HIS DIRECTION, i.e. DO YOUR HOMEWORK. Moving countries is a huge move (I should know, I've just done it (as a singleton)). And I repeat, it is ABNORMAL for a bloke who's into you, even if he'd felt forced to swap countries, to not keep up contact, then land back in your country but tell you AFTER, by unexpectedly wanting to to visit (for a few piddly days) - so unexpectedly that 'you were surprised he even remembered you(!!!)), and too-shortly afterwards decide he's in-love and wanting to marry you. That's NOT how real romantic, loving relationships develop. It can NOT involve a bond, certainly not one strong enough to justify moving or marrying. His behaviour and his proposals (plural) do not add up with the historical FACTS. You must know this or why else are you wanting opinions - even bad ones - first? Listen to your gut - your hunches - and compare words and potential "Future-Faking" with past and present ACTIONS/BEHAVIOUR. They're all you've got when dealing with a Covert (because they're the smoothest talkers/liars/persuaders of all the malignant Narcs, bar a corrupted Psychopath). Oh and PS: Coverts are also the ones who suddenly, seemingly anti-characteristically, withdraw having sex. (With you.) For no reason other than they don't actually like it, it's just a luring and capturing hook. The biggest and best, usually. So if he IS one - you wouldn't even have THAT. Start 'frisking' him and frisk him GOOOOOOOOD! You're not bad. For starters, you called yourself Stupid, which is hating yourself for having said you'd missed him (when, ACTUALLY and SYMPTOMATICALLY - you HADN'T). But you are and have been, BEING bad....which is always just Self-Harm but, delayed and convoluted for being done through a medium (another person). Ya gats issues, IOW. Wanting/needing to be desired, for starters. What's the buried resentment towards your husband over?

This one's a corker - for you and anyone else in your boat. Very comprehensive. You should know most of this already, by the way - IRRESPECTIVE of this one, particular bloke. You need a little less Fantasy (fun though it is...until it isn't) and more Reality, methinks. Plus - in case he IS iffy - reading-up like this will at least educate you on how to shield your feelings from any more injury while planning your safe escape. Anyway, rack your brains and see if anything(s) mentioned here align with any experience you've encountered/noticed with matey, no matter how petty-seeming (petty ain't petty when it's administered like Water Torture): ((again my double-brackets and asterisks)) _____________________________________________________________________ https://narcissistabusesupport.com/what-is-a-covert-narcissist-abuse/ "Learn the traits of a covert narcissist They are often covert at first when they are trying to hook you. Look for theses signs and behaviors "Covert narcissists charm, love bomb, and are passive-aggressive. ((Not all; some are just "refreshingly nice"; depends on how nice or crap your ex was, when it comes to what amount of effort they have to go to)) They use word salad, gaslighting, rewriting history, push-pull, and intermittent reinforcement on the daily. Everything is calculated and they have an agenda. The cognitive dissonance that the victims experience is off the charts because everyone around them thinks they’re great and unaware of their evil side. It makes the victim feel alone, constantly question their reality, and abandoned on an island of confusion. The narcissist who covertly ebbs away your sense of self is just as dangerous as the one who overtly constantly belittles you. Do you know a Covert Narcissist? Everything will revolve around this person. It will be all about their needs, their wants, their life. But they’ll pretend to be selfless and label someone else “narcissistic.” Nothing will ever be their fault. Even if there is evidence to the contrary, it is still never their fault. They will convince you and everyone around them that they are the victim. Initially, they will spoil you, take you out, and work hard to make you feel important. As long as you’re useful. Selfish is an understatement when you are dealing with them. But they can seem generous. They lack empathy and compassion – the only feelings that they care about are their own. Everyone around them are objects to be used for their own gratification and needs. ((Boiled Frog Syndrome)) If you put a frog in a pot of cold water and steadily turn up the heat, the frog will adjust to the raising temperature and will boil to death. Narcissistic covert abuse is often compared to this analogy because it happens slowly. Once caught, the heat (abuse) gets turned up. Most victims of covert narcissists report that they felt something was off, but it didn’t feel like abuse because it was subtle and hard to put their fingers on the changes. The typical relationship pattern of a covert narcissist is to come on fast and intense, ((seem to have a very high libido...IF you happen to!)) claim their soulmate, and propose ((or move-in with you or vice-versa)) quickly. It’s the idealize phase of the relationship where the victim is placed high on a pedestal, not allowing the victim to really get to know the person or see their true self. The intensity of being the center of someone’s world sounds like a fairy tale; but then there is a noticeable change in availability and the victim is no longer the priority…the first of many confusing moments that showcase reality. At first, the narcissist will blame the change in attention on the need to get back to real life. That seems like a good excuse, so the first crumb offered is accepted. Later, the blame gets pointed at you, the victim. It’s all your fault things changed and the internalized “if only you…” or “if you had just done…” taunts are released. This is the devalue stage test. You are being graded for your reaction to the withdrawn attention. If you continue to accept the justification as moving back to normal life, they know they have a low bar to meet, and you are controllable. These tactics are common from a covert narcissist. They are unoriginal, often cowardly, and exceptionally low on the emotional intelligence scale. ((I call it, Stupid in a clever/genius way)) Most victims ((who haven't educated themselves yet)) don’t notice these methods or understand their meaning. They don’t see the person as they really are until they leave. ((I call this - 'You don't see a Covert coming, but you sure as hell see them going!')) The strategies are stealthy and designed to confuse. Covert narcissists are exceedingly difficult to recognize and even harder to expose because they have built a fake persona with everyone they know. Most that are unaware of the covert traits see a charming, helpful, caring, compassionate, and often enlightened individual. However, this type tends to stick with the same tricks and methods, don’t learn from them, and are extremely persistent. Narcissist covert traits you may have seen: rushes relationships with very intense love bombing (idealizing phase) that “prove” how much they cherish you charming yet socially awkward and less skilled than the grandiose or malignant narcissist ((in fact, the social awkwardness is an affection..a hunting/luring style for the particularly maternal/paternal types; and indeed, too many times I've seen the consistetly mild-mannered, shy person suddenly start spouting offensive opinions like a prize, arrogant arsehole/jerk and/or foghorn - funny, that)) introvert ((ditto; excessively GUARDED, actually)) – withdrawn and self-centered lack of empathy for you or others – fake empathy can be exhibited as a technique to get something they want or to find new supply. It is an act to make people think they have true empathy. Passive-aggressive communication and behaviors, usually done behind closed doors: guilt ((guilting you)) subtle insults shaming blaming gaslighting passive-aggressive anger ((passive-aggressive AND covert-aggressive, in fact; and you're never sure WHICH. This then makes knowing whether they did it deliberately, extra difficult...unless you know what to look for...ergo, not knowing whether you are right to express your reaction or to keep it down and let it eat at you for forever suspicious - enter Cognitive Dissonance (torn-ness))) procrastination ghosting ignoring your concerns silent treatment stubbornness sullenness a sarcastic or argumentative attitude deliberately not doing the things they say they will do low self-worth – secretly depressed with exceptionally low self-esteem victimized – they play the victim, the world is out to get them, in divorce you are out to get them, they use their victimhood to trap victims, and they share stories of trauma and neglect. ((No - this is the Covert-Vulnerable Narcissist. The straight Covert just plays dumb, twists the story, or pomopusly says "I'm not discussing this", etc.)) sullen, angry, and never content with a quiet rage simmering just below the surface ((which they express mainly through their actions, unless they're fit to bust, whereupon the backhanded compliments and other subtle put-downs make a show - immediately denied)) overly critical and always believe they are better and smarter than everyone else, even their boss needy and vulnerable ((Covert-Vulnerable...pretendingn to lack confidence)) anxious ((Covert-Vulnerable)) resentful and jealous hostile and argumentative; must always must be right ((Covert-Vulnerable; the straight Covert just waits......and then gets you back for "that" when you really need their help, with a sadistic, pompous, "Mmmmmm..........Nnnyo")) not typically good in social situations – if they do go to events, they will ruin them with passive-aggressive behavior. no genuine friends – only admirers and people they can use for supply constantly seek validation – always bragging to convince others how great they are. In extreme cases this manifests as a God-like mask to be the savior to those lucky enough to be in their presence. ((Straight Covert. The -Vulnerable deliberately puts themself down in front of you....fishing for compliments...so frequently, sometimes, that it starts to get annoying for its dubiousness of authenticity)) arrogant and dismiss other’s opinions because they believe they are better entitled and believe that they deserve the best of everything and seek those who will give it to them, even though they are not worthy of it. hypersensitive to feedback or criticism – they react with rage: “How could you!” need to control everyone around you – the need for control controls them. smug with an air of superiority: they don’t need you ((Straight Covert)) expert justifier of their behaviors and usually present it by turning the mirror on you. If you catch them cheating, it was because you weren’t being a good partner to give them what they wanted. ((Straight Covert. The Vulnerable is more likely to blame the mistress/er...masteress(??) or situation/stress/temporary insanity/could have sworn you were cheating on them...anything to disarm you by eliciting pity as turns off anger/indignation or makes it suddenly feel inappropriate for the moment)) the intense need to win and prove they did nothing wrong so they point fingers at you to deflect the accusations no remorse – able to apologize (("sorry, but")), but the apology is not genuine. They never learn from their actions ((they don't want to - they've got it cushy)) The apology is an act to give hope. They will turn around and pull the rug of hope out from under you again at another time. emotional actors to control the victim. Crying on demand creates drama, sells them as a sensitive person, moves the attention to them and garners sympathy. ((No straight Covert has ever 'lowered' themself to crying in front of me. It's the CVulnerable who does that. Most a Straight can muster is a fake single tear or slightly red eyes or just a fake hang-dog look.)) pathological liars – if their lips are moving, they’re lying. Even when the truth would serve them better, they lie. ((Nope, that's Narcissist Sociopaths (NPD/AsPD); the reason why the Covert is so hidden/hard to spot for possibly even decades, is because they often DO tell the truth...just never about important stuff...and then later down the line that turns into cruelty under the veil of "Whaaat - I'm just being honeeest?!?")) They can’t help themselves and you will wonder how they keep all the fake facts straight. Weapons of passive-aggressive covert behaviors: the silent treatment – to punish and abuse their victims. When the covert narcissist goes dark (ghosting) and refuses to engage, the victim feels rejected and wonders what they did to provoke this behavior, making them feel like they did something wrong. Ultimately, the victim will get angry causing resentment from the narcissist because they believe they are entitled to treat people this way. ((And yet, you try doing the same to them!)) ignoring you – pretending not to hear you or understand your request, completely aware that this is aggravating behavior. ((Oh god, don't remind me...."Playing Dumb")) reactive abuse – pushing the victim to react with anger and then placing blame regarding their anger issues playing the victim ((the Covert-Vulnerable again)) – a control tool to garner emotions and evoke sympathy by always having a sad story about past mistreatment or making others believe they are team players by consistently accepting the short end of the stick (("Playing the Martyr")). the joke is on you – off-handed jokes are designed to make the victim feel bad. Humor to tease and belittle someone is followed by a “just kidding” in an insincere attempt to ease the pain, but the objective is achieved. ((NOT NOW THAT YOU'RE READING ALL OF THIS, IT WON'T BE!...TA-DAAAA)) name calling and constant verbal abuse – typically done in private but sometimes the line is crossed, and it’s done in front of family or friends. ((- try responding in a silly voice....I like to use Daffy Duck or Bugs Bunny or a toddler; change the "Narc Script/Playbook" or "Turn The Tables" and it completely throws them...something like, "Nyyyyeaaah (chomp-chomp-chomp)....he'sh sho shmoooth, ain't he?", alternatively, loudly say to the room, "Uuuugh...who are YOU and what have you done with my lovely husband?" - or, loudly from across the room - "SORRY, WHAT DID YOU SAY, DARLING?")) pretending to forget the things they promised to do – intentionally not doing something after they said they would and expressing anger or exasperation if it is mentioned. The same behaviors are often not shared from one covert narcissist to another ((- pardon?...shrug...think the writer means, same overall package/cocktail)). Narcissists have created many masks throughout their lives that they present to the world. Imagine a mask as a character, role, or a false persona that they play ((as a lifelong, 24/7, indirectly-paid, actor)). Masks of normalcy are routinely invoked to create the illusion to the world that they are normal and not disordered. Designed to entice the people they want to attract ((shiny Red apples from the top of the tree for 'Little Lord Fontelroy', thank-you-very-much!)) for various supply, it’s ultimately all about the status ((usually by-association of you)), services, money, accolades, dedication, sex, and servitude. The masks are interchangeable so you may identify or cross-identify with several depending on the target of their influence. Narcissists don’t need friends or partners; they need an audience so the mask must be selected very carefully. The narcissistic mask is used as a tool to build a carefully tailored persona in order to friend people who they will later use for supply ((and, if "Primary Supply", an intermittent, emotional-(random)-puking toilet on-legs)). When you see a contradiction to what they do in public and what they say in private, you are observing the public mask being removed behind closed doors. The masks may seem familiar to you but look a bit deeper and observe other relationships they have and the way the “show” might have always been interchangeable depending on the crowd. Once an actor, always an actor and this performance theater will carry over in every social circle in their lives. A quote from one of my favorite movies, Sabrina, is apropos – “Illusions are dangerous people. They have no flaws.” The mask chosen for you is customized to your needs; they made themselves your dream illusion. The role was defined by your own imagination and carefully orchestrated to trap you. I envision the mask being removed at the door and placed on a hook like a hat*. Once you see thru the fantasy and catch a glimpse of the real person, you can’t unsee it. It’s scary and the sense of betrayal may be overwhelming. ((Coverts don't do that, that's NSpaths (veteran Coverts into Covert-Vulnerables into NSpath (Vulnerable when suits)). Coverts moreover keep up the act even in front of their victim. Image is everything ((being Admired and Praised is their No 1 need, even right after emotionally beating you up). For the NSpath Reputation is everything (to enable exploiting/conning their victims materialistically as well). The NSpath is the jawdroppingly cocky one who eventually doesn't feel the need to bother to wear his mask behind closed doors with you (and yours, even).)) Narcissists do not want to be exposed. After their mask falls and they realize you have seen the truth, a narcissistic injury usually occurs. To reduce the risk of being unmasked, they know when the gig is up and begin planning their exit. The Charmer (MASK) ((or Refreshingly Nice guy/gal)) Covert narcissists are infamous for their charming mask, even though all narcissists can manifest charm on demand ((NSpaths tend to combine it with sensuality/sexuality, like intense eye-contact with dilated pupils ("Lunch!"))). When in use, charm can ooze thick and gooey, but it is easily recognized after the fact as fake. (('...sure as Hell see them going!')) In the beginning, they attract a person to them by finding commonalities to show the new victim how perfect they are for each other. If you like yoga, horses, and classical music, they do too. ((OR they point out similarities in how you do (whatever) things the same way as them, e.g., drive like them, hold the same opinions, beliefs...)) The passive-aggressive behaviors are more stealth ((stealthy)) ((and furtive and insideous, and-and)) than the more aggressive abusive behaviors we have come to know. ((Coverts tend to be subtype Cerebral...intellectual snobs who consider it that they SCOOPED you out of the gutter! With Vulnerables, it's that 'they were there for you' (once...which they since cancelled-out anyway))). It’s a slow drip that makes recognizing the coercive control difficult to see. As soon as the victim questions annoying or bad behavior, they are immediately shut down and accused of being wounded by past relationships and projecting that on them. Your ability to trust them will be probed as they doubt your loyalty, simply because you had the nerve to raise a concern. This gaslighting technique, followed by promises, makes it easy to give the impropriety a pass. You are charmed again, and they are back in control. The confusing dual personalities, mixed with intermittent charm, forms the victim’s trauma bond like prey in a spider’s web. This is how your relationship began, with a persona you believed was the person you had fallen in love with. Until you are completely infatuated, the charming mask will be used both in public and in private; then they are free to act differently behind closed doors. The slippage of the mask can be gradual or immediate; the narcissist has studied and tested your reactions. The decision on how fast you are transported to narc-world is guided by your toleration tipping point. Inside your home, you start to see little things that are confusing. ((Tiny but hurtful example: "No, baby - YOU have it" x 100 during Honeymoon, suddenly turns or slides into, him/her grabbing that last piece of cake, KNOWING (or failing to notice - neither is workable) that you haven't even had ONE piece yet. Or opening your birthday presents - or borrowing your car or credit-card without asking - kid you not!)) ((WHAT FOLLOWS IS WHAT ULTIMATELY, UNDER ALL THE PRACTICAL REASONS/EXCUSES, KEEPS VICTIMS UNABLE TO ONE-TWO-THREE-JUST-JUMP!)) The victim of the charming mask struggles to let go of the public persona because they believe that to be the real person. Holding onto the better version of the person will keep victims trapped for years as they try to love the narcissist more ((, in order)) to help them find that charming happy person they believe to be deep inside. As the fog dissipates and the victim can see the narcissist clearly for whom they really are, ((traumatising mind-f**k time!...leading to)) they are no longer fooled. This is the real them; the charm was just an act. Often when survivors listen to videos or read books on narcissistic abuse, they question whether their spouse is really a narcissist. What if they weren’t the type that cheated, or stole money, or was verbally abusive? Not all narcissistic people check all the boxes; some are verbally abusive all the time and some utilize manipulation in a stealthier manner. I often hear, “We never even fought.” ((OMG, if I had a Penny for every time a victim's said and held onto that!)) If this sounds familiar, you may have been blind to the covert, passive-aggressive form of control that had been festering under the surface. Maybe you got used to it or justified the actions by thinking “this is just how they are.” Don’t be fooled into thinking that the charm and love bombing isn’t abusive. It absolutely is. Equating obvious actions like fighting and throwing things with abuse is not the MO of a covert narcissist. ((UNLESS YOU PUSH THEM TOO FAR AND THEY LOSE THEIR TIGHT-TIGHT CONTROL.)) Lies, hiding money, ((claiming poverty)), and passively making you feel like you’re not good enough is. ((when the truth is - they're not in YOUR league - nowhere near it!)) Physical symptoms can be caused by emotional trauma: irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), for example. Your body has a memory and will store feelings in certain areas as a warning sign – what you choose to do with it is the complicated part. If you tend to feel unwell, your narcissist may make fun of you for being “sickly, just like your mother” (a passive-aggressive trigger to intentionally piss you off). Learn to listen to your body’s responses. Once free of the covert abuse, the symptoms almost always disappear. You should never assume, however, that an illness is a certain thing and not get checked by a doctor. Always put your health first. ((Oh, let's not stop with IBS! ...Fibromyalgia, MMS, Urtacaria (aka Hives - all-over bodily) and other skin complaints, Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Heart Problems, Colds and Flus galore, Cancers, Parkinson's, Alzheimer's!, Alopecia, Miscarriage, terrible PMT/PMS, cysts and polyps, upset hormones, Acid Reflux, Cystitis & Thrush (either gender), constant Constipation, Insomnia, losing your looks (no time for self-care), dry hair & nails, then CRACKED TEETH (nightime Bruxism), jaw, neck, back problems, torn joint cartilege, ...being a neglectful mother since you have neither the time nor the energy, doing the work of two while his Lordship treats the house like a hotel and you a free chambermaid, housekeeper, WORKHORSE...........and, too much of the time, a face like a Wet Weekend which disables you automatically from even inadvertently attracting other men/women, ta-daa)) Someone with NPD cannot change. They can promise, misrepresent themselves, and fake change for a little while, but will soon unconsciously ((or if malignant - deliberately)) revert back to their bad behaviors. When it is a spouse, once they know you aren’t happy and that their mask has fallen, they will begin the discard process. ((or Fake Discard just to frighten you and put you in your below-stairs place forevermore and/or turn a blind eye to his/her cheating)) Recognizing the onset of the discard process may be obvious because the passive-aggressive manners escalate. If your abuse was physical, the mistreatment will surge as well because the gig is up and there is no reason for them to pretend to be nice anymore. If you are married to a covert narcissist, a more stealth discard may begin in the background. On the hunt for new supply, detachment from you will be quick. You may find them not being present for you or your family because in their mind, they have already moved on. If this is happening, don’t be surprised ((but DO be appalled)) by their sudden exit. Other types of abuse may have been obvious all along be assured, any form of abuse will make your life a daily dose of hell. ((THIS IS NO EXAGGERATION, IT IS *NOT* FUNNY (albeit Black humour is cathartic), IT IS LIFE-THREATENING)) ((PS: most Coverts incl Vulnerables are pigging mean and miserly with money, as well as with their time and other sharing/cooperating/supporting; they DON'T share and they don't do anywhere NEAR Equality. If anything, you're their Butler (and toilet). All Narcs are 'human' parasites; it's only ever a question of DEGREES and EXTREMES (as well as contexts and circumstances), making what on a decent person would be acceptable behaviour, unacceptable, outrageous, 'needlessly' OTT...just downright crazy, back-to-front, anti-productive, you name it.))

Lastly (for the mo), but not least-ly: Often, the grass is Greener on the other side (of the fence) because it's FAKE. Doing your homework will be tantamount to you digging a hand-sized tunnel under the fence (far less effort and distance to travel) so that you won't even have to climb all the way over it and risk your feet landing on their patch (...their territory....yikes! - google "what Narcs do once they get you on their territory"). You can just snip off a blade, take it back to your side and examine it...and he won't know a thing. ...and then you can just simply say, you've realised you love your husband too much blah-blah. And then deal with your marriage. Just get OUT of this over-dependency on men, yeah? Didn't you ever live alone, like, in your early 20s? Didn't you do just fine and love it?