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After four years of isolation, I accepted that I would die in my room.

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I've been hiding away from my room for 4 years, this started around 2020, during the pandemic era, I started becoming a shut-in at sixteen, now 18, I dropped out of high school the moment I became a shut-in, the reason was the constant bullying with my appearance, I hated how I looked, and staying in my room all day during the pandemic has made my appearance even worse, so when I noticed how people were looking at me during the lock-downs, my self-consciousness became even worse, so I started wearing masks to hide my face, i found comfort in wearing masks, everywhere i went, i wore masks during the lock-down, and any time someone asked why I was wearing a mask, I just used the excuse that I didn't want to catch the virus but my excuse became less believable with each passing day when lock-downs and corona weren't taken as seriously as before, until it became obvious that I was just hiding my face, schools were starting to open, and my biggest fear was going to school with an even worse body and face But fortunately for me, school just had a summer break that lasted for a couple of months, so my worries calmed for a bit and I tried not to think about school, I spent all day in my room, either watching YouTube or chatting, my social skills had died that moment, each day, it became harder and harder to talk to people, let alone look them straight in the eyes, my personality was gone and I just became an awful person, I hated society and I hated people. So when school came around, I was stressed, terrified of going there, so as a last result, I decided to tell my mum if I could switch schools due to the bullying, it took some time until my mum gave in, at least i could postpone going to high school, i live in the UK, so you finish school at 16 go to college, it was hard for my mum to find me a school due to my poor academics, i already accepted that I wasn't meant to be good at school. Being a social outcast most of my life taught me that I wasn't meant to interact with people. I never had a friend, I was too dumb or too antisocial to interact with others, the lockdown just worsened it. My mum kept looking for a school until I was too old to be in school and I didn't take my final test to get into a good college or let alone any course for that matter, I've already given up on getting a good job and I'm hoping to find a job that provides a house and Wi-Fi, so I can spend my days in my room. My face and body deteriorated with each passing day and I just accepted that I'd die in my room, not accomplishing a good thing in society, such as having a wife or children, having my dream job, or anything normal for that matter. Normalcy was a dream to me now, so I spent the entire year in my room, only going out for food and so on and my mum just delivered the food to me the majority of the time. My personality was long gone, and I hadn't spoken English to anyone in so long that I think I'd lost any fluency with it. I used to hold conversions, look people in the eyes, and I never thought I'd end up this miserable; I always assumed I wouldn't have a good life, but it wasn't what I expected; I just had some hope that I'd have a decent life. So when I became 17, I just repeated what I did at 16 and my appearance was unrecognisable compared to my previous self. I didn't care at that point, wearing masks was pointless in the state I was in, so I walked outside without a mask, it was weird at first, but I became used to it, people's stares hurt me, which reaffirmed my hatred for others and society but I'd brush it off and run to my room to my laptop or phone to forget about it, time passes and I go to the gym recently, it was one of the last motivations I had going outside but when things became a little bit positive, I started balding at 17, Any hope of changing had crushed my heart, it felt like I was being kicked while I was already down and beaten, which made me go to the gym less often, I was already getting less motivated going to the gym, but the balding just amplified it, thankfully, I already hated how I looked, so I thought it couldn't get any worse other than going deformed, so I spent the entire year in my room, and I turned 18 in February, I'm pretty much staying in my room all day like I did before. I became a cynical, self-absorbed, stingy, and awful person, I have self-destructive behaviours but lack ambition to change them. in the end, I became a defeatist. I reject idealistic views because they contradict my understanding of modern society and most people.

After four years of isolation, I accepted that I would die in my room.

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Hi SadSadGuy :) I'm so sorry for the long wait. I'll be with you tomorrow (i.e. later today), as it's gone 3am my end. And hopefully others will meantime be available to respond as well.

After four years of isolation, I accepted that I would die in my room.

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Hi again SSG, How were you today? Was it a shite day, a meh day, or almost-pleasant day? "I've been hiding away from my room for 4 years, this started around 2020, during the pandemic era, I started becoming a shut-in at sixteen, now 18," You and most other GenZs... You are *definitely* not the minority or alone! Search in here for threads in the Emotional and Relationships categories - you'll see. You guys had it the toughest, IMO (and anyone with half a brain cell and remember being your age). "I dropped out of high school the moment I became a shut-in, the reason was the constant bullying with my appearance, I hated how I looked, and staying in my room all day during the pandemic has made my appearance even worse," Why, what's wrong with your appearance, do you - or they reckon? "so when I noticed how people were looking at me during the lock-downs, my self-consciousness became even worse, so I started wearing masks to hide my face, i found comfort in wearing masks, everywhere i went, i wore masks during the lock-down, and any time someone asked why I was wearing a mask, I just used the excuse that I didn't want to catch the virus but my excuse became less believable with each passing day when lock-downs and corona weren't taken as seriously as before, until it became obvious that I was just hiding my face, schools were starting to open, and my biggest fear was going to school with an even worse body and face" Body as well? Explain and describe, please? But obviously, evidence indicates your biggest issue was with your face. Which then upped your (already present, age/stage-related) self-consciousness. Yeah, I suffered a spate of that. Most your age do, it's just, some are better at hiding it and putting on a happy face...that's basically the entire difference. So the key is Confidence and how to build and get some. "But fortunately for me, school just had a summer break that lasted for a couple of months, so my worries calmed for a bit and I tried not to think about school, I spent all day in my room, either watching YouTube or chatting, my social skills had died that moment, each day, it became harder and harder to talk to people, let alone look them straight in the eyes, my personality was gone and I just became an awful person, I hated society and I hated people." That's a vaguely huge leap? An awful person in what way(s)? And in what space of time? Well, I hope, once I've 'interviewed' you sufficiently, I can turn that around for you. It's not difficult, it's just breaking through that mental block-come-habit. "So when school came around, I was stressed, terrified of going there, so as a last result, I decided to tell my mum if I could switch schools due to the bullying," Yes, tell me about the bullying - in detail. And by the way: I apologise on behalf of the bad people in the world (who wouldn't know how to keep a lid on themselves or apologise if their lives depended on it). Have a hug from a genuinely nice person (everyone here's nice, you're in safe hands): (((((((((((((((((((PARENTAL HUG)))))))))))))))))))))))))) "it took some time until my mum gave in," Define some time, and - WHY did it? PS: Does she work? She married to your dad or a divorcee? You SOUND fine, anyway, you'll be pleased to hear. And I'm impressed you kept up your conversational skills via the web. "at least i could postpone going to high school, i live in the UK," OH. Oh well... EVERYONE'S in your boat over there! I escaped before the Brexit (- makes me think of a breakfast cereal - every time!) deadline, to Spain. Brexit wrecked it as much as (Y.)U.K. Again...some cover it up and put on a happy face and that includes countries. Don't believe everything you see; lift the lid/surface, look behind, look UNDER... Humans are all the bloody same (if you take away the daily surface details). About 55% are lovely, 45% shite, so nasty you wonder how no-one's bumped them off by now (haha but seriously with some). "so you finish school at 16 go to college," I fcknated college. UGH. Except for Jewellery-making and Sociology. Was barely any different from being at schoolditz (play on Colditz...Nazi POW camp). Mind you, to be fair, more than anything, I was just gagging to start working then living in London. What ideas do you have re. what work in which industry you'd like to do? "it was hard for my mum to find me a school due to my poor academics, i already accepted that I wasn't meant to be good at school." Are you an artist? Musician? Writer? Other Creative? "Being a social outcast most of my life" Most of your life?? Do you mean school life? Social outcast, how? "taught me that I wasn't meant to interact with people." Wronggggggg. You're not meant to intereact with beep-stards. And there's the diff that makes ALL the diff. "I never had a friend," Awwww, sweetheart! "I was too dumb" Said WHO? Hmm. You've had crud on your plate, haven't you. Adult crud that shouldn't have featured and delayed you some, whereby you're now a late-developer, socially. Am I right? "or too antisocial to interact with others," Antisocial or do you mean Unsociable, or just Non-Sociable? Do you enjoy being solitary and amusing yourself for hours and hours, getting sucked-in? What are you hobbies? "the lockdown just worsened it." Yup. As I say - you and zillions of others. "My mum kept looking for a school until I was too old to be in school" Hah! - WHAAAT? How long did it take (or take her)? "and I didn't take my final test to get into a good college or let alone any course for that matter, I've already given up on getting a good job and I'm hoping to find a job that provides a house and Wi-Fi, so I can spend my days in my room." Bet you a Hundred quid you aren't. (Bugs Bunny Voice: Nyeeeaaaa....He djon't knnow me tchoo wew, do he!) (I was going to add a stickey-outey-tongue emoticon at the end, but couldn't see my Colon, only my P. (No jokes, please) Bearing in mind even answering this you're a Bosonic needle in a World-sized haystack - whereabouts in Blighty are you? PS: You've got our weather coming so next week will be nice and quite possibly the week after (20p, please, thank-you). "My face and body deteriorated with each passing day and I just accepted that I'd die in my room, not accomplishing a good thing in society, such as having a wife or children, having my dream job, or anything normal for that matter." Well, you obviously DIDN'T accept it or otherwise you wouldn't have come here. (That's called A Gotcha, haha, doncha just hate me? LOL) Nah. Calm down, you're just a late starter. I think everyone here is, as well. Goes with the territory. Of for too long, constantly fending-off bloody bullies. " Normalcy was a dream to me now, so I spent the entire year in my room, only going out for food and so on" What's 'and so on'¿ "and my mum just delivered the food to me the majority of the time." DELIVERED it to you? Weren't you living at home with her at this point? "My personality was long gone, and I hadn't spoken English to anyone in so long that I think I'd lost any fluency with it." Sorry - what was that? I couldn't understand a word of it! (blows raspberry and ducks, grinning) (I'll get it revved-up again, donchoo worry, haha) (Go on - give us a smile ;)) "I used to hold conversions, look people in the eyes," And you will again. But right now, you're going through a growth spurt (peace and quiet after a trauma speeds up your recovery, you see; I was solitary by choice for 3 years)...exact same principle as a butterfly in a chrysalis, panicking because you don't know where you are and why you're trapped, desperately flapping your wings to get out and thinking you never will, that this is "it". Takes as long as it needs to because, you see, it's that very, desperate flapping that makes your wings stronger than if you'd NOT been through the crud you've been through ('every cloud has a silver lining' is true). Because of this period, you'll fly that much higher once you do break out (think small private planes versus your jumbo jets). So it's all good....but it feels like a never-ending nightmare when you're in it. Still! Fact you've come here is a giant sign that says you're on your way out again (ta-daa!). Then Up. Clear Blue Sky. Aaaaand then in another 10 years, another chrysalis. Or not? Depends on what you learn from this spiritual journey of yours that will tool you up, finally. "and I never thought I'd end up this miserable; I always assumed I wouldn't have a good life, but it wasn't what I expected;" Well, someone should have TOLD you! God, I HHHHATED being your age. 'Old enough to know better' on a Mondee, 'Too young to do that' on a Tuesdee (make yer pigging minds up?!). (Gosh, you're taking me back :)) "I just had some hope that I'd have a decent life. So when I became 17, I just repeated what I did at 16 and my appearance was unrecognisable compared to my previous self." Pardon - explain? "I didn't care at that point, wearing masks was pointless in the state I was in, so I walked outside without a mask, it was weird at first, but I became used to it, people's stares hurt me, which reaffirmed my hatred for others and society but I'd brush it off and run to my room to my laptop or phone to forget about it," Bear with me, but.... Think back. When these people stared at you - are you sure you weren't most of the time looking at them first, without realising, say, because you were checking to see whether they were staring? "time passes and I go to the gym recently, it was one of the last motivations I had going outside but when things became a little bit positive, I started balding at 17, Any hope of changing had crushed my heart, it felt like I was being kicked while I was already down and beaten, which made me go to the gym less often, I was already getting less motivated going to the gym, but the balding just amplified it, thankfully, I already hated how I looked, so I thought it couldn't get any worse other than going deformed, so I spent the entire year in my room, and I turned 18 in February, I'm pretty much staying in my room all day like I did before." How stressed have you been out of 10? And for how many years in total? You've been Narce-d, haven't you. Your hair might well come back as you near the chequered flag of the Healing & Recovery Path. Takes 2-5 years to recover from Narcissistic Abuse/Bullying (unless you know how to legitimately speed it up, without cutting important corners). How many years have you done so far? "I became a cynical, self-absorbed, stingy, and awful person, I have self-destructive behaviours but lack ambition to change them. in the end, I became a defeatist. I reject idealistic views because they contradict my understanding of modern society and most people." Yeah... I can understand all of this, no worries. What are you calling idealistic views? I can tell you now: this chysallis-ing is when the sudden trauma (and/or slow-burning trauma as it comes to a head), dumps a whole truckload of what I call emotional processing sheets (and when it's negative - adult sh*t that affects innocent kids) into your mental processing In-Tray (like a real one: three trays: In, Pending, Out). That's why you're delayed....Boy, Interrupted. VERY common, met loads of 'you', in your exact same or basically same boat, times one thousand or so...easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy. Plus I went through something similar at your age (and have a memory like an elephant). 'Schooldays are the best days of your li-'/'Oh, UCK-OFF!' 'Well, your certainly your early 20s are the be-'/'I said, uck-OFF!' (They are for SOME, but not everyone is some, innit, plus as said, other people's shite can muck up your schedule.) Yyyah....wouldn't want to be your age again. You have my sincerest condolences, young Sire. Anyhoo - thoughts/comments? Again, sorry for the slowness (lack of respondents - it being the weekend, probably).

After four years of isolation, I accepted that I would die in my room.

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(sorry - typo - 'anyone with half a braincell..*would agree*')

After four years of isolation, I accepted that I would die in my room.

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(Tsk! - 'Narc-ed')

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