PeoplesProblems Logo

Grief and abuse, advice needed!

Default profile image
My mum passed away just 2 months ago and I was very close to her, since then i've had 2 breakdowns and all I wanted to do is just kill myself. 2 weeks ago my wife left because she had her own mental health issues to sort and left me alone to deal with that and my grief. But when going through the breakdowns i've emotionally abused my wife, I know I'm wrong, I said I blame her for my death, she has cheated, I'll tell her job about her lies and I'll mess up the moving application. We were supposed to be moving from a 1 bed flat to a 2 bed flat. I know what I said was completely wrong and I hold my hands up to it. My wife has had physical and emotional abuse in the past with old boyfriends so I've joined the club. However, she is not totally innocent herself. She has worked at a salon and did sexual things for money, she has been on a sugar daddy website and met someone (reason for this was to pay for the wedding but she was too scared to tell me she didn't have the money to give). She constantly talked to one of her abusive ex boyfriends, hid his name on her phone to a girls name and deleted conversations. When she did get pregnant she sadly had a miscarriage but kept this all from me and went to this guys house to tell him, smoke weed with him and chat. She said nothing sexual happened and I just have to accept it's the truth. She randomly disappears and makes me worried that she's hurt and doesn't respond to any texts or call. She wants to be alone. So now when she did it before I leave her alone. Yet when I want some space, she runs after me and I had to run faster to get into my car and drive off, she would then bombard my phone and threaten to call the police on me if I don't respond. With all of this that she has done she's not mentioned one word of it to the women's refuge. Where I have admitted everything I've done and she has done. I do love her and I do want to work things out, as we've had good times together and I know I'd never do better than her. I'm seeking professional help and have made it clear that I am not innocent, I've said the things i've said. What my wife has done as well. I'm all about speaking the truth. Yet my wife when telling the women's refuge only spoke my mum died and she's getting emotionally abused. She's not mentioned the hurtful things she has done to me. I'm painted as the 100% one in the wrong. I am wrong no doubt, but I fear this refuge will force me out of the home and onto the streets. The grief I am going through is part of the anger and hateful texts i've sent and the Samaritans understand it's part of the grief I am going through. I need help to sort this I do, but the women's refuge have dismissed my grief and act like i'm just an evil person. I genuinely have no idea what to do. Her mum, her aunt, this women's refuge I feel will forcefully push me out of our home which I don't want to happen. I've got nothing, no one to go to, no friends, no family that are close. She at least has her mum and aunt near by. If we need to separate but not divorce and we both work on each other before reuniting I'm happy with it, but I don't want to be the one on the streets whilst she has a place to call home, it's not fair.

Grief and abuse, advice needed!

Default profile image
Hi! Welcome to PP and apologies we're so slow to respond at the mo; respondents are thin on the ground. Please do bear with us a little longer and someone will be with you shortly. It's just a case of By When, not If, no worries. :)

Grief and abuse, advice needed!

Default profile image
FYI, going to be replying to you and everyone else who's had to wait tonight. Thanks again for your patience.

Grief and abuse, advice needed!

Default profile image
Actually, got a 15 min window right now! (Quick - grab it!!) Hi Hodgeson, Let's take a look, then (fyi am not reading ahead): Please answer every question - speeds it up for you. ______________________________________ "My mum passed away just 2 months ago and I was very close to her," Oh god, I'm so sorry. I know how that feels. "since then i've had 2 breakdowns and all I wanted to do is just kill myself." Oh, jeez, don't do that just because you've hit a roller-coaster trough. You'll be making your way back up again before you know it! " 2 weeks ago my wife left because she had her own mental health issues to sort and left me alone to deal with that and my grief." Whhhhaaaaaat?!? 1. WHAT own mental health issues??? 2. How old are you both btw? 3. How long married? "But when going through the breakdowns i've emotionally abused my wife, I know I'm wrong, I said I blame her for my death, she has cheated," She's cheated on you as well???? Well, then, so do *I*! Relax, you're not the problematic element, you just don't literally have the patience of a Saint. FYI, I hit mine back - verbally AND physically. I knew what he was, see. You obviously don't - and that ignorance can make you think you're going mad or sliding down the pan - YOU ARE NOT. This is what HAPPENS after getting embroiled to that depth with a malignant Narc. It's all normal and to-script so far... albeit quite extreme. "I'll tell her job about her lies" 4. Lies about what? (You're totally anonymous on here, too many in your 'uncannily' same boat, so free to say. ) "and I'll mess up the moving application. We were supposed to be moving from a 1 bed flat to a 2 bed flat." 5. Hmm, this is a bit all over the place at the mo., chronologically (- understandably - don't worry, not a criticism), and therefore, I'm not sure I get why you'd have to mess up something that presumably, now will no longer be happening, given she abandoned you (IN your dire hour of need)...."For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health". She's broken the Marriage Contract. Multiply. Saying that, unless you clarify below, I do need to know exactly what you mean when you say that you emotionally abused her? Who/What/When/Where/How? "I know what I said was completely wrong and I hold my hands up to it." Well, that depends, doesn't it... (Listen - I'll be the judge of that. After all, you picked her, not me, and I'm not one iota invested in her. Geddit? Spare Eyes WITHOUT Rose-Tinted specs (and including a Third one).) "My wife has had physical and emotional abuse in the past with old boyfriends so I've joined the club. However, she is not totally innocent herself. She has worked at a salon and did sexual things for money," WHAAAAT?! UGH! UUUUUGH! 6. Well, that speaks volumes. Unless she's a desperate single mother with literally zero skills and prospects? But anyway. Very much noted that it's not in how she treats you 'to your face', but all UNDER-the-table...in the (debauched, immoral, even amoral) *actions*. Ignore the mouth (it lies pathologically) and watch the feet. Those are where the longest-affecting crimes are. "she has been on a sugar daddy website" THERE IT IS - THAT'LL DO - THANK-YOU - CASE NOT JUST CLOSED BUT SUPAGLUED. MALIGNANT FEMALE NARCISSISTIC SOCIOPATH/"NPD-AsPD" (google). Chucky in a grown-up suit. (Sorry.) Brace yerself: ((((((((((((((((((((((((((BIG, ROCKING, BACK-PATTING, PARENTAL HUG))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) ...and welcome to 'the club'. You're going to be okay at the very, very worst, promise. Your terminus if you don't crack, is Massively Upgraded with superb allure from GENUINE charisma (unlike hers/its) and an expanded, more elastic heart. It's like you're a butterfly in a chysalis, this is going to make you stronger, better, faster, tastier... Narcs never win in the end. They're life's Losers, but simultaneously, potentially, by-degrees, damaging or downright life- and wealth-ruinous). " and met someone (reason for this was to pay for the wedding but she was too scared to tell me she didn't have the money to give)." Good grief! (Ollocks was she scared! Predators aren't scared of their Prey. That's just (google) "Gaslighting". 7. But - What wedding? You mean you two only got married recently?? But anyway and regardless... In that case, you can stop flogging yourself. I'm already sure - just from the state of you, in fact, let alone the top-grade evidence and clues so far - that any abuse you gave her was "Reactive Abuse" (prefix with "Narcissistic Abuse -" and go google). Happens to almost all victims, mate. Almost all feel guilty and shameful at the time. (I didn't. I know better.) These types could - and frequently do - break the patience of a SAINT! It's when you just can't humanly take any more and your (still inside you) naked, not-to-be-messed-with Ape rears up and takes over for you (your Personal Security Guard...again, we all have one but have it shoved down into our basement as children...only to be vital to let out again when we encounter malignant (google) "Cluster Bs"). 8. Crux question: had you ever (as you call it) 'abused' any prior girlfriend of yours? Even only Reactively? "She constantly talked to one of her abusive ex boyfriends," Yup. Swat Narx Do. (Straight Coverts are more...well...Covert. Once NSpaths lose their feeling and regard for you (which somehow is your fault (cuckoo!)), they're happily sloppy and/or wanting you to find out. It's to emotionally manage down your expectations..."Weeell...At least she doesn't physically batter me too". (She doesn't - does she?) " hid his name on her phone" Swat Narx Do. " to a girls name" Swat Narx Do. "and deleted conversations." Swat Narx DO. Malignant Coverts and Malignant Narc-Spaths ("Allvert, but start off Covert only"). " When she did get pregnant she sadly had a miscarriage but kept this all from me" Oh, I thought I was finished with that list! Did you have actual PROOF that she was pregnant? Did you go with her to both the 11 and 13-week scans and see for yourself? Because this is bringing to mind a very Old Chestnut (and PS fake scans can be bought on the dark web). If she kept it all from you, you CAN'T have so, we've got her pegged, type- and severity-wise - as a Narc-Spath, type female - "RUUUUUUUUUUUN!". THANK GOD SHE'S LEFT YOU - NO - SERIOUSLY - THANK GOD! " and went to this guys house to tell him, smoke weed with him and chat." Told him it was his, no doubt (swat they do). To get money (ditto). Sane pregnant women don't touch weed. Nor the rest of what this one's been up to-up-to-up-to. " She said nothing sexual happened" I asked the Liar if she was lying, and she said, No. Why did she even need to say that? (Don't for god's sake sleep with her again, you could catch all sorts of nasties and effectively lose your love-life, bar worse skanks than her.) "and I just have to accept it's the truth." No you don't. Truth has its own vibration. Your gut suspects it's BS already. Because people who believe people don't say what you've just said. And I don't believe her, either. We can't BOTH be wrong. And anyway - overall, this is a VERY well-worn script, I'm afraid. "She randomly disappears and makes me worried that she's hurt and doesn't respond to any texts or call." Yup. Google "The Silent Treatment". "She wants to be alone." Tell her - be single, then (, you insane witch). "So now when she did it before I leave her alone. Yet when I want some space, she runs after me and I had to run faster to get into my car and drive off, she would then bombard my phone and threaten to call the police on me if I don't respond." Yup. NSpath, yup. Massive Superiority Complex (cuckoo!), Gross Hypocrisy, "One rule for them, another for you" is the standard saying with normal selfish peeps, but with a Narc it's - "No rules or pulling their weight for them - all for you..., Slaveypoos". NSpaths are DOMINATORS. Their delusions-based arrogance (and said sense of superiority) is jaw-dropping and just crazy (because it's based on nothing or, worse, the opposite). You're her victim and lackey. She thinks she can treat you as badly and disrespectfully as she likes and you won't have the strength to do the only reasonable thing, which is, boot her out. "With all of this that she has done she's not mentioned one word of it to the women's refuge." Course not. She's not a victim, she's a perpetrator. Narx pretend to be a victim - and everything ELSE "just like you" - in order to make you relax and trust/commit too early and let them rush the relationship with false intimacy - just intensity. It's them, trying to beat their inevitable exposure (the mask dropping off or you getting to peek behind it) to the alter. "Where I have admitted everything I've done and she has done." Where she won't admit a thing. Yup. From what you've told me so far, it is LAUGHABLE that you are the Abuser, just because you slapped her with a retort! "I do love her and I do want to work things out," Tough Titty and Tough Titty - it is not humanly possible, not for ANY healthy human being. You were NEVER in a romantic relationship. To NSpaths - you (and he and he and-and) are her JOB, dressed-up (to you and all who sail in you) as a relationship. IT IS A DOMESTIC CRIME, SPECIFICALLY, A CON-JOB. You've got a lot of reading-up to do. You'll see for yourself how it's futile and injurious, how it's always, WITHOUT exception, a HUGE mistake, to get back in that boat and think you can make it stay afloat as well as stop it spinning on the spot. "as we've had good times together" Yes. Because if you hadn't, leaving her and her ongoing abuse would have BEEN EASY, LONG before now. Think about it! It's mainly faked. (Sorry.) "and I know I'd never do better than her." She's not a Her. She's Ferrel. But a brilliant mimic/actress and button-pusher (because she would have begun about age 8: "Defiance Disorder" - then, as a teen, "Conduct Disorder" - then at age 18 "Narcissistic Sociopath" (had she been diagnosed before then). "I'm seeking professional help and have made it clear that I am not innocent, I've said the things i've said. What my wife has done as well. I'm all about speaking the truth." Good man! And I know you are. Perpetrators admit NOTHING and sound the furthest from YOU. You're an Empath. "Yet my wife when telling the women's refuge only spoke my mum died and she's getting emotionally abused. She's not mentioned the hurtful things she has done to me. I'm painted as the 100% one in the wrong. I am wrong no doubt, but I fear this refuge will force me out of the home and onto the streets." Swat Narx Do. Google "Narcissistic Sociopath - the smear campaign". Again - standard stuff/script. These ferrals' psychology is so narrow and extreme, you are confined to a standard, reactive (victim-survivor) script. (PS: Evidence screams-out that you're a survivor then prosperer, so don't worry. This is just an endurance test...like starting to visit the gym for hours, daily; you'll be mentally super-pumped after this.) "The grief I am going through is part of the anger and hateful texts i've sent and the Samaritans understand it's part of the grief I am going through." GOOD FOR YOU - I hope you let her have it! (Can I see?) (Be your best friend?) (You can have my Red Starburst, even?) (Oh, go on.) "I need help to sort this I do, but the women's refuge have dismissed my grief and act like i'm just an evil person." They'd make shite court judges, eh....hear the case for the Prosecution and immediately issue sentancing! Google "Flying Monkeys". But they're all traumatised and even the WORD abuse has them climbing the walls. THEY ARE ALSO KNOWN TO BE GREAT HUNTING GROUNDS FOR MALIGNANT NARCS PRETENDING TO BE CO-VICTIM. They'll find out. It's in the script. No worries. "I genuinely have no idea what to do. Her mum, her aunt, this women's refuge I feel will forcefully push me out of our home which I don't want to happen." Never mind what Narcs think they want to happen. They're completely delusional and know NOTHING of the real world and how it works. They're nasty bullying kids in grown-up suits. YOU MARRIED SOMEONE'S SCHOOL BULLY. (Fun, eh.) Okay, I'm going to post this now because you need it asap, and then continue wiht the last bit in my next...

Grief and abuse, advice needed!

Default profile image
Shite, I've just realised I mis-read! "but I fear this refuge will force me out of the home and onto the streets."" Oh, YOU'RE at a refuge! Are you? Or you mean an Outreach 'club' you attend? I'm confused - please can you clear this up, give order of events by chronology?

Grief and abuse, advice needed!

Default profile image
People who work in the domestic crime 'industry' are not so stupid that they would take ANYONE'S word for it - gender immaterial. Whom in authority do people have a private word with in/at this place? PS: NSpaths have NO SHAME. This thing is using and abusing the death of your parent, because it's plausible as a reason for even a normal person who's beside themselves with grief thus not in normal control, to lash out - not necessarily always AT someone. Google "Malignant Covert Narcissist - Plausible Deniability". She is to-script. The whole way. Even not knowing the precise order, it's too obvious. Show this to the refuge owner-manager and ask for a hearing with her or him. Okay? These people know their stuff and their types. They would insist on hearing both sides - MORE than once - before deciding a THING. Important question: Are you British?

Grief and abuse, advice needed!

Default profile image
PS: Recent 'jury' is in: proven link between serial cheating/two-timing (from minor to major) with Narcissism. Write me this list here: *I'm* not the one who: 1. (and list her disgusting, cold-hearted, cruel, sadistic, gobsmackingly arrogant and super-over-entitled, intimidating - EVERYTHING psycho-emotional and practical crimes. Let's do her Rap Sheet - it's very cathartic, and later, a Godsend if you start to give in to temptation whenever (google) "Hoovered". Do it in chrono order, please, and that'll be perfect as afore-requested clarification.) PPS: She's attracting and secretly checking-out/investigating fresh, prospective victims as we speak. Using Pity. SUPER-IMPORTANT: Google "The Pity Play (or Ploy)" by (top expert) Martha Stout. If you can't find it - tell me - I'll do it for you. It's in my archives and on other threads similar to yours (lots!) already. The Pity Play/Ploy is the one, consistently reliable sign that you're being (hah! -) chatted-up by an NSpath (aka Narcopath).

Grief and abuse, advice needed!

Default profile image
Ah-hah! Here you go! Two for the price of one - Martha Stout's quote AND hearing another victim-into-survivor speak: ((My comments in double-brackets)) __________________________________________________________________________ https://www.stevensurman.com/narcissists-sociopaths-and-the-pity-play-dr-martha-stout-explains/ "Narcissists, Sociopaths, And The ‘Pity Play’ | Dr. Martha Stout Explains By Steven Surman on September 22, 2023 Narcissism Despite all of his conniving, manipulative, and controlling behaviors, the Gay Narcissist sure came off as pathetic a lot of the time. How so? Whenever the Gay Narcissist wanted something and I would not give in to his whims immediately, he’d try whatever tactic he could muster up. He’d make demands, toss around accusations, and slyly twist my words and manipulate my perception. These tactics usually worked, but not always. The obnoxious behavior sometimes triggered my own aggression and we’d have heated fights. ((See? It's not just you - not by a LONG chalk!)) But you know what was a sure bet? Pity. No matter what, whenever the Gay Narcissist put on his “oh, poor me” act, it worked. Always. Every. Single. Time. What’s The ‘Pity Play’ All About? ((Answer: tapping into your Parental Instinct Programme in order to disarm you against rightful anger or pursuing your line of enquiry)) Dr. Martha Stout describes the “pity play” in her book, The Sociopath Next Door. Stout warns throughout her book that sociopaths are deceptive and highly manipulative individuals. It’s often difficult to pick up on his or her true character—a character that will absolutely ruin your life if one passes through your defenses. A sociopath’s true character is the absence of conscience. (("No Shame!")) Martha Stout estimates that four percent of the total population is sociopathic ((Here is where I disagree, albeit, this is no longer an up-to-date quote. The statistics mainly only account for those who've (hah!) freely submitted themselves to the clinical process by visiting their doctor, or by spousal ultimatum (when said victim-spouse has something over on the Narc) or by Court Order (caught by the justice system, basically)), so you have a chance of running into one sociopath out of 25 people—yikes. (Worse, some of her colleagues suspect the estimate is too low.) Martha Stout warns, however, that one defining tactic employed by sociopaths to keep people under their control is the “pity play.” This is the closest you will come to finding a scarlet letter branding someone as a sociopath. What exactly should you be looking out for? If someone is shallow, manipulative, and they simply take and take from you with little regard for anything else (let alone your wellbeing), you better sit up and take notice. Most of us do, even if we are quick to explain it away with out ((sic - 'our')) own rationalizations. Eventually you might have enough and start pulling away. A sociopath won’t put up with this, so he or she will appeal to your sense of generosity, forgiveness, and understanding by pleading for pity. ((OR ATTACK YOU WITH ACTIONED INSULT LIKE SHOVING THE FACT OR LETTING YOU FIND OUT THAT THEY'RE CHEATING ON YOU (it is NOT difficult to keep adultery a secret*).)) Get ready for a laundry list of all the ((fake)) woes, troubles, and hardships that have assailed the sociopath throughout an entire lifetime. ((They're usually very-convincingly emulating a mish-mash of past, genuine victims at chat-up stage's stories, customised to whatever you, specifically, will first-hand relate to and empathise with and/or have experienced, yourself.)) In the words of Martha Stout from The Sociopath Next Door: “The best clue is, of all things, the pity play. The most reliable sign, the most universal behavior of unscrupulous people is not directed, as one might imagine, at our fearfulness. It is, perversely, an appeal to out sympathy.” Martha Stout continues later on in The Sociopath Next Door: “When deciding whom to trust, bear in mind that all the combination of consistently bad or egregiously inadequate behavior with frequent plays for you pity ((IN ORDER TO WOO YOU VIA YOUR DADDY INSTINCT AND/OR BE THERAFTER INSTA-FORGIVEN/FORGOTTEN/GONE TOO EASY ON...Avoiding Consequences for their crimes is their middle name)) is as close to a warning mark on a conscienceless person’s forehead as you will ever be given.” Never fall for it. It’s an act. The Story Of “Poor Luke” ************************ I read The Sociopath Next Door years ago in 2019, and since then, one anecdote in the book always stuck with me. It’s the story of “Poor Luke.” When we think of the non-violent sociopaths, it’s the Tinder Swindler or Mr. Fox from Bad Vegan. Maybe Bernie Madoff. Jimmy McGill and Saul Goodman from Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul is solid example, too. This is exactly what motivated Martha Stout’s writing of The Sociopath Next Door. It’s to warn us that all those without a conscience hide in plain sight within our everyday lives. Poor Luke is one such sociopath, who targeted a woman identified as “Sydney” in The Sociopath Next Door. The recounting describes Sydney as a kind, warm, and accomplished college professor. Since she had a homely appearance, her self esteem wasn’t the best. That made her a prime target for Poor Luke. ((IMPORTANT NOTE: So would Angelina Jolie. Looks have zero to do with it, they're just a bonus. They want a kind-hearted, tolerant, give-give-giver to their empty/cold-hearted, intolerant (insensitive themselves (furtively cruel actually) take-take-taker/non-reciprocator, hence why they pretend to BE "I'm just like you....Snap!...OMG, mee toooooo"). Their tacks tend not to work on Non-Empaths - unless they get them when they're down or in a desperate state.)) The handsome and charming sociopath showered Sydney with attention ((Love- (or Nice-) Bombing)) ingratiated himself with her friends ((Misappropriating your social network)) and family ((no healthy, solid family takes a stranger's side; the Narc just shows them up to you)), and then swiftly married her after a dizzying whirlwind romance. Before long, Sydney was pregnant with a son. She was ecstatic. Poor Luke was indifferent. As time went on, Sydney realized that Poor Luke was a parasite, leeching off of her material resources ((and let's not forget, emotional resources too, and misappropriated status by-association of you, etc....building up to stealing and defrauding)) for his own comfort. He was ice-cold toward her and their son. He was, however, very enthusiastic about her house—specifically her pool. Poor Luke would swim and sunbathe by the pool all day long. Even though he did not work, Sydney had to hire help to take care of the new baby because of Poor Luke’s unreliability. ((I expect he had a bad back from a previous injury or something. NOT.)) ((Spaths use props, like faked scans, passports, tampered texts/emails, stolen credit cards, other ID...OTHER PEOPLE (Flying Monkeys, Exes and WannaBe lovers-in-waiting)... I could go ON AND ON ALL.....DAY!)) Even after their ugly divorce, Poor Luke would still show up at Sydney’s house and quickly make himself at home. Despite everything he put her through, she put up with it. Why? Poor Luke used the pity play whenever Sydney tried to enforce the slightest of boundaries with him. He even used the pity play on their son to further guilt Sydney into letting him hang around the house day and night. He never failed to enjoy the pool when present. It did not end until Sydney finally up and moved from her home in Florida back to her native New England for a new job. The Pity Play And Narcissism There’s a reason why narcissistic and sociopathic behaviors overlap. The fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (the DSM-5) groups narcissism with sociopathy (an antisocial personality) into the Cluster B personality disorders. For a refresher: Cluster B personality disorders are a group of personality disorders characterized by dramatic, emotional, and erratic behavior. As described in the DSM-5, Cluster B personality disorders include the following: Borderline Personality Disorder: characterized by unstable moods, relationships and self-image, as well as impulsive behavior. Narcissistic Personality Disorder: characterized by a grandiose sense of self-importance ((whether exhibited or kept under wraps)), a lack of empathy, and a need for admiration ((plus respect - for eff-all...And a shockingly high sense of over-over-over-entitlement. Shocking, Appalling, Head-Ucking are the NSpath's other middle-names.)) Histrionic Personality Disorder: characterized by attention-seeking behavior, exaggerated emotions, and a need for approval. Antisocial Personality Disorder: characterized by a disregard for the rights of others" ((e.g. to expect your wife not to cheat on you!)), a lack of remorse ((enough said)), and/or a history of criminal or impulsive behavior ((I'm betting - do spill?)). __________________________ Also, NSpaths and Covert-Vulnerables (whom, the latter, I have reason to believe, are in some cases simply Coverts morphing (deteriorating) into fledgling Spaths or aspiring to and copying them) (all the malignants have a certain heirarchy, and an NSpath is like a mixture between a Covert and an Overt and ("ish") a broken, malignant Psychopath) - tend to AMBUSH their prey with a traumatic attack/revelation, out-of-the-Blue, when you haven't done a THING wrong....it's simply that you're too happy ("smug") and that (along with everything and everyone else but you especially) irritates the uck out of them so they 'wanna teach you a lesson' and 'put you back in your place' (both males and females are misogynistic/misandristic). Spaths like to REALLY shock you. Basically - a*se-licking mode/want something/some attitude from you: Pity Ploy. Wanting to prime/punish/scare/exhaust/get revenge on you: Ambush. Is this helping? First you understand what she is to explain her ucked-up (upside-down, back-to-front attitudes, behaviour and perception) and urge to destroy you lest you (late at doing so or not) 'dob her in' (to her 'friends' et al), i.e. "NPD - Stealing The Victim Cloak", and then when you've got your head around that, we discuss all your options. You're not powerless. INCLUDING...the good news. Malig Narcs, Spath-level especially, have lied so often, including for no reason other than to score a point off you by mini-conning you amidst their overall con campaign, that their mechanism for telling lie from truth has gone doolally. They are the easiest type on the planet to COUNTER-MANIPULATE and COUNTER-LIE to. You just have to know how. The beauty of it is that it cannot harm a non-Narc (wouldn't bother them a jot). THERE YOU GO!? :) PS: The most important question is still, are you British? ___________________________________ ___________________________________ Meanwhile - the last of your opening post: " I've got nothing, no one to go to, no friends," No, that was a few days ago. You've just effectively joined a club of your type. :) We're LOVELY, we are....even though I say so myself. Lovely AND don't take any nonsense. You're safe. Just delete your History here every time in case she tampered with your device and can remotely snoop. "no family that are close." I chucked mine. The entire lot bar two. Fifty-something. Perps and Victims Perpetually In-Denial. LOVELY. Made for DE-LIGHT-FUL family reunions, Quentin! I take a long time to reach "I've had enough of having enough" so when I chuck, it's called-for and irreversible. It's so liberating, knowing you CAN extricate Ticks cleanly. You just have to remember their 'stabby thing' (probuscus?) is a corkscrew, not a spike, so you have to TWIST the tweezers, making them nice n disorientated whereby they come out cleanly and quietly with no blood or scar. And then you get over them. And apply Insecticide when you go out (until the person is proven benign for too long - i.e. beyond 2 piddly years...which is roundabout all a Spath can 24/7-hold their mask on for. A Covert Malig. can keep you too uncertain to chuck, for DECADES, yay! Psychopath, you only find out on their deathbed or because someone's dobbed them in. Anyhoo... just trying to give you a crash course in record time, haha - sorry - TAKE YOUR SWEET TIME, just say Hi to let me know you've started reading my replies, if you can. "She at least has her mum and aunt near by. If we need to separate but not divorce and we both work on each other before reuniting I'm happy with it, but I don't want to be the one on the streets whilst she has a place to call home, it's not fair."" None of it is fair. Until Truth Outs. Which is unavoidable and unstoppable. Try not to worry for nothing. You're in safe hands now. Outreach isn't the only fruit. And hopefully this place will replace your lost confidence whereby telling on her, giving your side, on-the-quiet, ceases to feel daunting. Once you're up to it, you can start saying hi to other regulars and newbie thread owners and comparing notes, if you like. If not, you can just stop on here with me. Don't be shy - just say. Again, just let me know you're reading and then I'll wait for you to start asking any questions. Note down any iffy memories and other things you've not had the space to describe, that start popping into your mind and we can deal with those after you've responded to this short little Post-It-Note of mine (haha - sorry! - long-winded much?). Roger - Over?

Grief and abuse, advice needed!

Default profile image
PS: I repeat: the way she's been behaving towards you PROVES she wasn't abused. It's just her cruising and keeping hooked prop. NO abused person, especially a woman, would EVER turn around and do to another innocent person exactly what she herself had allgedly too recently suffered through! NOPE! Narcs would. Narcs can get picked on by bigger Narcs/Spaths, same as those school bullies who pick on people in a weakened and/or isolated state (separated from the 'herd') or who are "blind", i.e. have never encountered one before, don't know the signs - or not in real-time reality ...too bloody shocked or charmed for starters...(Google "Narcissistic Sociopath/Psychopath - the hypotic effect"). And PPS: the flouncing-off bit after starting a verbal fight (usually over nothing or you somehow can't recall) is them creating a 'great excuse' and 'plenty of time' to go stay with their other victim(s). It's an highly common tactic of the cheating narc. Sorry (again). PPS - question for when you can get around to it: What's the deal with your so-called family, then? _______________________________ PPPS: Life-saving, decision-making book I urge you to buy (Amazon 2nd hand, easily affordable, timeless, unsurpassed classic): "Too Good to Leave/Too Bad To Stay" - Mira Kirshenbaum. Instant clarity with every chapter (checkpoint) - decision made automatically for you; no arguing; arguing no longer necessary, be it, stay and try again, or, leave now and dodge a much bigger bullet. She makes everything hard switch to easy, in-my-sleep, peasy. (I'll shut-up now and let you look into all of this. Any questions on things/eye-openers-shockers you stumble upon on the web - just ask.)

Grief and abuse, advice needed!

Default profile image
Oh wait - No! Absolutely DO NOT, WHATEVER YOU DO, proceed with buying that 2-bed! This (so-called) marital climate makes doing so completely inappropriate...a very foolish mistake!...downright fruit-loopy. Do not! You've got better odds playing Roly-Poly on the M25 during rush-hour! I hope you haven't handed over the deposit yet?

Grief and abuse, advice needed!

Default profile image
Sorry - I called you a man, but in actual fact, I'm not that sure and it was merely an assumption? If you're a woman, you're very male-brained; if you're a man, you've got a healthy dollop of sensitivity - win/win - but, which are you?

This thread is due to expire in 25 days

B-4