Looking for helpful advice and opinions on my relationship?

Well, I'm in a relationship rut and I'm not sure how to go about anything anymore. Me and my boyfriend have been together for over 5 years The problems started early with insecurities from his side along with a porn addiction and hiding things from me. We fought and fought through this. This most hurtful part was him asking for a 3some. He was always bringing it up despite our issues. He didn't want me having male friends but he wanted a 3some. After getting through that we continued to have problems where my feelings were always ignored. Anything I had to say that bothered me or hurt me, he would dismiss and turn on me. One time I told him about the porn and he said it was my fault because I wasn't wanting sex enough. At this time I was very pregnant and very miserable. Eventually it gets better in some ways and there is hope again except for communication, it has gotten so bad that I have meltdowns from the head games and not wanting hear my side or point. eventually I fucked up got connected with a coworker and we almost had sex. I felt bad. But I made sure that it wouldn't happen again and put space between me and the guy, still remaining friendly though, but explained that we were working things out. My bf proposed on valentines day. I wasn't expecting it, but I love him and all I wanted was for us to be happy. the 3 some thing still never died though. I would role play pretend talk fantasies to try and make it work but he took it step further asking for an open/poly relationship. I was hurt and shook. I knew I needed to admit what I done. It did in deed blow up and the cops got involved. He proposed then asked for an open relationship, but told me when he proposed I should have said no and told him I cheated on him. When I tried to explain what put me in the position he didn't want to hear it and said I'm just refusing to acknowledge what I did and not taking accountability. I understand what I did wrong but he won't even consider why and understand how things got this far. I'm not asking to be excused I'm begging for him to finally see where it all went wrong. It's more than just the sex stuff. It's been the disrespect and begging for help with things. It's just piled on now. I'm dying inside from it all. The insecurities and lack of trust has increased. I have no privacy any more. Everything I do is monitored. I NEVER did this to him in all of what has happened. I love him so much but I also know I need to love myself and take care of my own emotional and mental health in healthier ways than I have. I like having a fun sex life but with all that has happened I just want vanilla again. It always turns into more and more. Having to do extra stuff to please him sexually. Normal sex just doesn't seem to make him as happy. I'm afraid that it will cause more issues down the road when it's just not enough again. WTF do I do? He's so hell bent on communication but he won't let me speak. He wants me to only listen but I'm not allowed to share my thoughts otherwise I'm then told I'm not listening or I'm making excuses. He tells me this is all my fault and I did all of this. When I get upset and emotional at some of the things he does he tells me I'm not allowed to. That I have no right too. Is it over? Am I just supposed to shut up and take whatever is said and done because of the one stupid mistake I made under the circumstances. Then he tells me he's been reading online and apparently we have to keep talking about it over and over whenever he feels so he can heal. I don't understand how he thinks that helps especially when any time I've been so hurt by him he didn't want to hear about it. I need advice. I need help. In the midst of all this I'm realizing more and more about Autistic things I do and I wonder if that's making the arguments worse. My head is fucked up beyond belief and I know I partly did this to myself but am I missing something here that's the solution. Or am I trying to hold onto something not meant for me? Am I just stupid? How do I know if there is a control issue? How do I know he wouldn't ever cheat too when he's not getting enough from me? He swears he would never cheat on me. He said he thought about getting revenge on me but he doesn't want to. I quit my job and told the guy that I wouldn't be speaking to him again and I needed to work on myself. I've worked very hard to make this right and even though he say he notices my efforts I get treated like a child. It's like I gave him just enough Ammo to hold me where he wants me. At least that's how it feels. Am I wrong? Am I viewing this from a faulty perspective? Someone please help. I'm thoroughly considering counseling, not for us, but for me. I need to figure out what is going on with me cause Idk anymore.

Hi! Welcome to PP and apologies we're so slow to respond at the mo; respondents are thin on the ground. Please do bear with us a little longer and someone will be with you shortly. It's just a case of By When, not If, no worries. :)

Hi 'AmIStupid', (Probably not.) Let's dive straight in, and note I'm deliberately not reading ahead as I go... "Well, I'm in a relationship rut and I'm not sure how to go about anything anymore." Do you mean you feel like you've tried everything already and are out of ideas? " Me and my boyfriend have been together for over 5 years" Noteable so noted. " The problems started early with insecurities from his side" Aw, sh*t. (Red Flag/Tick!) Not a lot you can do with that, I'm afraid. Even if they're NOT a narcissist, the eroding, toxifying effect it has on the relationship from all angles means it may as well be, and, hard to tell the difference. Out-of-kilter Insecurity is what's at the heart of Narcissism all the way up to diagbosably NPD/NPD-AsPD, you see. Insecurities over what, specifically. Don't tell me - let me guess...For example, "I saw you looking at that bloke for too long!"...you mean that sort of insecurity? And/or "Promise you'll never-ever leave me or I'd die!" after only your first month of dating? Describe, please. "along with a porn addiction" OH. (Tick!) " and hiding things from me." OHHHH. (Giant Tick!) Like what? Information you need to know or your car-keys when you're in a hurry? Describe what and how it goes, please. But okay. He is NOT just highly insecure. Those further things belong to the M.O. of the Narcissist. Their insecurity is their excuseable cover-story for being allowed to clip your social wings, isolating you from your 'pack', usually by creating social circle divisions (google "Narcissistic Boyfriend - Triangulation")...and get away with it ("Awww...he can't help it...it's cos he's insecure" / "Then why the uck is he DATING!"). (Oh my god, people, they really are bloody everywhere now!) (Apologies, AIS, but it's one NPD victim report after another these days, increasingly, since....phhh...can't remember...the last 8 or more years?) "We fought and fought (through this)." (Tick!) How many hours/days? " This most hurtful part was him asking for a 3some." OH FFS - CASE CLOSED ALREADY. Sorry. You too - join the club. :( I'll post in the link to Poster "ABCD"'s thread in a min. His Narc (hah! -) partner suggested the same, and isn't the first on here to report so. (Malignant NPDs are all the bloody same, saying and doing basically the same bloody needlessly stupid, childish, vindictive and destructive things. They are Groundhog day on-legs.) "He was always bringing it up despite our issues." Yup. Narcs can nag like no-one else. It's called wearing you down and out....chip-chip-chip...to the point where it gets ridiculous and you can't help but yell, HOW MANY TIMES...! WHAT! IS! *WRONG* WITH YOU!? (which is what they want - a reaction...your exasperation...to emotionally and physically drain you...knacker you out so much you'll sleepwalk into their cage. "He didn't want me having male friends but he wanted a 3some." They're dominators. Google "Narcs - gross hypocrisy, dual standards, master-slave" or some such. And " - the original misogynists". Frankly, any time you have sex with him you're having a threesome (real him, fake him, real you). So what he actually means is a Foursome (:p) (can't stand him already). Tell him your Dad said he might consider it if the price is right - go on! Take the sodding piss out of the stupid, brain-crippled idiot bully. How old is(n't) he? " After getting through that we continued to have problems where my feelings were always ignored." Yup. Google "Narc - feelings always ignored and dismissed". It basically means you're a BAD slave and fan (how very dare you, just because he's a prize p*ick! ;o) and so his crippled mentality has gone, LOVE-BOMBING OVER - GO TO "DEVALUE". (Google "Narc - Love-Bombing (or Nice-Bombing)" and "- Idealize, Devalue, Discard".) "Anything I had to say that bothered me or hurt me, he would dismiss and turn on me." Yup. ("Narc - Blame-Shifting and Projection" and "- Turning the tables"( "One time I told him about the porn and he said it was my fault because I wasn't wanting sex enough." HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! Course, it couldn't POSSIBLY be that he wants too MUCH? What Him - Mr God-like?...NOOOOOO.....(Google "Narc - Blame-Shifting" and "Narc Victim - Never good enough" or "- Bottomless Pit, impossible to please"). In actual fact, being pleased (by behaviours/qualities that would please a normal-healthy person) isn't really their agenda. Stealing your lifeforce and joie de vivre - getting to be cleverer than you (not!) - by cheating at and machinating over everything - edit...by fooling themselves they're cleverer than you...appearing taller than you by bashing you into the ground...is their pointless point (they're Out Of Order machines, brain or mind wiring missing and/or atrophied or downright kaput. No Narc can be please or satisfied. Their self-esteem and ego have a puncture...so they're greedy as sin. The more you give, the more they want...like PacMan). They're not happy unless they're unhappy and making you miserable (to prove you're not as in any way superior to them as "you make them" feel; google "narc - pathologically envious" or "- why they hate you"). They're seriously, pathologically (incurably) disturbed... not even REMOTELY fit or qualified to be anyone's anything partner! Too many try to play it down and clean it up, but NO...your boyfriend, the great actor, is a secret nutter who's learned how to hide, disguise and cover it up, ergo at-first, *seeming* to be your ideal partner when that wasn't him but his acted character, customised to suit your starved needs... , hence just hasn't been sectioned or told he's too crippled to form any partnerships, being as how he's a superiority-complexed Bully-Dominator who's fave method is drip-drip-drip, chip-chip-chip, ambush/shock-to-bejezuz, explode, fake conciliation, recommence drip-drip-drip..."Narcissist - Covert - Death by a thousand cuts".) Anyway... going on and on about a threesome is NSpath territory for-sure. A straight Covert Narc wouldn't risk exposing their true colours to that irrefutable degree because NO-ONE gets to see their arse until they're done with you and already going out the door (you don't see them coming but you certainly see them going). This one is being outrageous as well as anti-serious-relationship in front of you. No Shame. ...Trying to knock you down when you're with-child. No conscience. Narc-Spath. Lots to google, eh! There a name and explanation for everything he's done and I've only got as far as - where?..... Not even at the end of your first paragraph. Houston, we have a not-yet-fully-revealed, giant one! He's not Covert enough to be "a" Covert. He's taking off the mask, the covert-ness...suddenly making sex weird, debauched, purely recreational, meaningless, empty, sick. Like a cheap, man-bigging, woman-hating and insulting (to the core), 70s porno film (cold shower, more like!). Hasn't he heard? Normal people don't sleep around that casually and sleazily (downright self-cheapeningly and -harmingly) any more. That long grass in which snakes like him hide, have been kept mown. Course he hasn't. They can't/won't/don't change or update, not even with the times...are dinosaurs. "At this time I was very pregnant and very miserable." Case (identifying him) closed! This just got dangerous. He's a Monster. I mean it literally. Once you're pregnant, they think they've got you chained in their dungeon. Normally, it goes, "The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world". In LaLa Land, it's the evil opposite, even it it doesn't make sense or reflect the real (modern, civilised) world. Plus, as you're uncharacteristically vulnerable, this is their chance to inflict some serious damage so that you won't have it in you to argue (rightfully) and stand up for yourself any more. "Eventually it gets better in some ways and there is hope again except for communication," Yes, but it's a Narcissistic Cycle Of Abuse so all you're doing is going round and round on a sick roundabout and getting nowhere but more dizzy, disorientated, ill and desperate to get off yet too scared to jump at that speed and when the floor keeps shifting. It never gets better, just worse and worse. In fact there's a hidden lever and exit door. You just pull it. But we'll get to that in good time. "it has gotten so bad that I have meltdowns from the head games and not wanting hear my side or point." Yup. Other Thread-Owner Hodgeson has just basically reported the same thing with his secret nutter. "eventually I fucked up got connected with a coworker and we almost had sex. I felt bad." Well, don't. That's a typical self-healing move for a narc-battered partner - it's actually human comfort you're after, and to get your confidence back, PLUS be reminded there's life after a Narc, as helps you do a decent run-up to escaping/dumping. They push you too far. "But I made sure that it wouldn't happen again and put space between me and the guy, still remaining friendly though, but explained that we were working things out." Pff. Don't hold your breath. "My bf proposed on valentines day. I wasn't expecting it, but I love him and all I wanted was for us to be happy. the 3 some thing still never died though." Yes. Because he irrefutably showed his true, sleazy, malprogrammed colours. You can't UNSEE it? "I would role play pretend talk fantasies to try and make it work but he took it step further asking for an open/poly relationship." (PacMan) "I was hurt and shook." Know the feeling. So does almost everyone here. "I knew I needed to admit what I done. It did in deed blow up and the cops got involved." Why the cops? And who called them? "He proposed" (After that superb foreplay, yeh? Jeez.) " then asked for an open relationship," IOW, he first cranked you up, high in the sky...before letting you drop back to the ground. That was to make it hurt more. I repeat: he is a monster. " but told me when he proposed I should have said no and told him I cheated on him." Aww, tell him to pee off from me! He starves you of food and then blames you when you think about having supper with someone else?! Typical...can't follow a simple chain of action-and-consequence..or so they'd have us believe. " When I tried to explain what put me in the position he didn't want to hear it and said I'm just refusing to acknowledge what I did and not taking accountability. I understand what I did wrong but he won't even consider why and understand how things got this far." Nutters (AND kids with it) don't TEND to be reasonable, no. "I'm not asking to be excused I'm begging for him to finally see where it all went wrong." Yep, they shove you in the fridge and then protest that you dare shiver. Meme: 'Narcissists would have you believe that how you react to abuse is the problem rather than their abusiveness'. Shame you told him at all. You can now plainly see that all it achieved was, giving him another new rod to beat you with. Meme: 'Anything you say to a Narc, WILL be taken down and used against you at some later date'. "It's more than just the sex stuff." Oh, I don't doubt it, missus! "It's been the disrespect and begging for help with things. It's just piled on now." Yup. So have you decided how you'll bump him off yet? (Joke) (more's the pity) "I'm dying inside from it all." Aw. I know. Have a hug: ((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))) It's not you. These fauxlationships are Over at Hello, anyway. Underneath the initial acted character/soap star (to lure and entrap you), this guy's a sleaze-bag, sadistic monster. I don't think you appreciate how much deeper and worse this goes. Probably because you've never seen the dance beyond this still-early point. But your baby is at risk because - he already shown you he doesn't care about the little life in your tum. By trying to devastate its mother, which stress puts baby at risk. For the sake of your kiddie, please don't marry a monster. He'll either ruin your baby or at best make life ten times harder for the poor thing, and sap you until you can't even mother any more and slowly seep into the ground. And then he'll try to take your baby away from you. Mentioning a 3some when ostensibly inviting you into a monogamous relationship, and waiting until you're too hooked to do anything much about it without heartbreak, is fraud. Okay? And news for you: to NSpaths, you're not really their lover, you're their secret mother, their emotional punching-bag, and moreover, THEIR JOB. Has he got you funding his life yet? What's his job? Bet you he'll whoops-lose it soon as you're wed so that you have to support him as well as yourself and babbie. Know this: It's far-far easier to be a single/divorced mother than live with a Narc. The difference between one kid, like you 'ordered', or two (one that you didn't, and it's evil.) Spaths bully kids as well as women, children, the elderly and animals. Anything in a vulnerable position - pregnancy, a classic Start Bullying switch. "The insecurities and lack of trust has increased." No the bullying under his stock, pithy excuse has. Insecure men don't place their much-needed relationship on a cliff-edge with the wind coming at it at-speed, like that, and horse-kick it. THINK ABOUT IT. He is NOT "insecure". He's a slow-killer in an insecure guy suit. He picked on an unborn, delicate baby, through you and your feelbad chems and hormones, and putting you constantly in Fight/Freeze/Fawn/Flight mode which is VERY BAD FOR BABY, NOW AND INTO THE FUTURE. HIS unborn baby. MONSTER. " I have no privacy any more. Everything I do is monitored." Well, how convenient for him that you nearly cheated. Now he can REALLY go to town being your Master-Jailer! ----------------------------- AIS, I've heard enough. This is really bad and I think you and your baby could end up in danger. This guy is more disturbing than the average. Okay? I NEVER did this to him in all of what has happened. I love him so much but I also know I need to love myself and take care of my own emotional and mental health in healthier ways than I have. I like having a fun sex life but with all that has happened I just want vanilla again. It always turns into more and more. Having to do extra stuff to please him sexually. Normal sex just doesn't seem to make him as happy. I'm afraid that it will cause more issues down the road when it's just not enough again." Yup, and as above. "WTF do I do? He's so hell bent on communication but he won't let me speak. He wants me to only listen but I'm not allowed to share my thoughts otherwise I'm then told I'm not listening or I'm making excuses. He tells me this is all my fault and I did all of this. When I get upset and emotional at some of the things he does he tells me I'm not allowed to. That I have no right too. Is it over?" YES. It was never On, in fact. "Am I just supposed to shut up and take whatever is said and done because of the one stupid mistake I made under the circumstances." YES. Refer to my abovementioned. "Then he tells me he's been reading online and apparently we have to keep talking about it over and over whenever he feels so he can heal. I don't understand how he thinks that helps especially when any time I've been so hurt by him he didn't want to hear about it." HE KNOWS THAT. HE'S A MONSTER WHO WANTS THE LIBERTY TO RIP OFF YOUR SCABS. " I need advice. I need help. In the midst of all this I'm realizing more and more about Autistic things I do and I wonder if that's making the arguments worse." No, it just means you feel it a lot more deeply than Neurotypicals. "My head is fucked up beyond belief and I know I partly did this to myself but am I missing something here that's the solution. Or am I trying to hold onto something not meant for me? Am I just stupid?" WORSE (as above). But you're not effed-up, you are just overwhelmed now (drip-drip-drip) and desperate to avoid what you can feel brewing in you: dumping his evil arse before he gets such a handle on you that you can't move unless he says so. "How do I know if there is a control issue? How do I know he wouldn't ever cheat too when he's not getting enough from me?" Read up on malignant narcissistic (uber-controlling, sadistic, bullying, slow-murdering) monsters. "He swears he would never cheat on me." Blah-blah - he already is and has been, probably since your first date. Seriously - read up and you'll time and time again be told to CEASE viewing him as if he's a normal bloke gone funny and maybe it''s because you did this or that or maybe it's because you're a Londoner or wear a FACE on your neck! He's an Emotionally Dangerous Man whose type is known for having a propensity for actual physical violence to horror-film proportions. Google "Tina Nash". They are petty criminal, domestic-criminal, scumbags, who pretend to be on your level/of your class and upbringing...until they reveal their debauched, perverted, constantly angry and out-to-get-you side, as steadily blots out the 'man he used to be' (he never was) (CONMAN WITH CLASSIC BEHIND-CLOSED-DOORS SCAM). He is not your boyfriend, never was, never intended to be. WELL, JUST *LOOK*. He is nothing LIKE someone who gives a damn about you. Quite the opposite! And I don't care HOW lovely he can still (briefly) be! You are being Coercively Controlled And Emotionally PLUS Psychologically PLUS round-the-houses *Physically* abused (trying to induce miscarriage or misdevelopment, I expect). "He said he thought about getting revenge on me but he doesn't want to." But could change his mind- IT'S A THREAT "I quit my job and told the guy that I wouldn't be speaking to him again and I needed to work on myself. I've worked very hard to make this right and even though he say he notices my efforts I get treated like a child. It's like I gave him just enough Ammo to hold me where he wants me. At least that's how it feels. Am I wrong?" Nope. "Am I viewing this from a faulty perspective?" Nope. "Someone please help." Am. :) "I'm thoroughly considering counseling, not for us, but for me." Great plan, sign of a Survivor! "I need to figure out what is going on with me cause Idk anymore" YA DO NOW! EH? I should say so! (Sorry. Join the club.) Thoughts? Things starting to click into place as you read that? Check out various of the other posters' threads; you'll see they have the exact same problem. But I can tell you're going to be fine - and will squish him gooooood. In a clever way where he can't touch you, has to live with that shame (beaten by the hated female!). He doesn't even like you. (Sorry again.) The ONLY thing you can do with something that bad IS just dump, block, and never let him come within 100 miles of you again. Or spend the rest of your life wishing you had, when you had the chance. For now, however, just read and digest, join up past and present dots/mysteries, and ask me anything you don't quite get or need elaboration on.

...And nope - not stupid - far from it. Just too hooked, devastated and slow-traumatised, with greater impact on a deep-feeling Aspie. Your ability to look the other way or not think about it has come to its end, and your tolerance bucket has hit full and overflowed with a big Splosh!, that's all. Puts you in a zone-out state for a bit. Just rest (, ignore him - go temporary Grey Rock (google)), and let your mind put all the pieces together properly so that you can see the end picture. Once you can clearly see where you are for a fact is when you can work out where to walk to next (sense - yes?). Better yet, could you go 'visit' anyone for a week or two..pretend there's some emergency requiring a Mercy Dash that not even he would dare oppose, let alone, kick up a fuss over (due to third-party, whole way, witness(es))?