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I’ve not had sex for four days. Been arguing with hubby and sleeping in separate beds. We Started talking again and I said, Get yourself ready for sex, He said whoo as if he wasn’t bothered. It really hurt me because I thought he would want it then he said, You can’t expect me to just go on as if nothing has happened. We did not have it and I know he was tired but I thought he would want it after so long. He reached out for my hand earlier in the evening but did not touch me anywhere else. I thought he would be thinking because he hasn’t had sex for four days he would want to touch me and want sex. We ended up arguing again because I felt neglected and not wanted and he ended up cuddling me in bed later on. He had fell a sleep on the couch earlier on when he reached out for my hand and I know he gets tired with work but I think he does not want me like he used to or he is cheating on me. He denies both snd says he wants me and is committed to me and us and he has never cheated. He is in his late 50s and I’m early 50s. I think I want sex more than him and think we might not be compatible in the bedroom. He used to look at porn a lot but denies he is doing it now. I think he might be and if he is he will not want it with me after looking at that has I’m not like them women in looks or body and he would be tired if masturbating over it. Would anyone else worry if there partner did not want sex if not had it for four days and wouldn’t they want to be touching there partner after so long? I feel ugly and not wanted by him.

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Hi! I think for anyone here to offer any useful advice/feedback you're going to need to explain what the argument was about, what started it, who started it (and in what manner), and who reacted, and additionally, how long it had gone on for (saying whether non-stop or in bits) before you and he made peace. You're totally anonymous (too many "yous" in the world in your same situation, both present and recent past) so - go for it. :)

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Four days without sex and/or intimacy is not really a long time although I suppose it does depend the needs and expectations of each person. I think there may be wider issues/s here in your relationship that dont have anything directly to do with sex or intimacy but may be affecting this part of your relationship. An open and honest talk with your partner about this in my opinion is a good first step if you havne't done this already and even seeking advise from a relationship expert or counsellor (or even good friend) if needed. From what I've heard and from what I imagine this is pretty common and I think there could be a lots of things that get in the way of an intimate relationship. An honest discussion with your partner I really recommend. If he is committed to you as you say this will be as important to him as it is to you. I would advise against making accusations or jumping to conclusions about this issue as this probably won't do either person any good in the long run and can just inflame the situation and make things worse. Being honest can help you identify any issues that are there that are hindering this part of your relationship. It may even be like you said he is often tired from work or he may simply not want to have sex as much as you are expecting or wanting it. There are ofcourse lots of other ways you can share affection and intimacy between you instead of actual sex and also how people show intimacy and affection is different depending on the person so knowing how your partner does is useful to know. To also touch on the issue of sexual compatibility you mentioned. Yea from what I've heard this is a very real thing, however I think if sex between you was something that was previously fine and this is more a recent issue then I don't think that it is that at all. If it was it would likely have been pretty evident early on in the relationship. Full disclosure I haven't myself been in a long term relationlship. I'm sure you will get responses here from people that are or have been or are. I'm just saying what is coming to my mind from hearing from people about relationhips over the years. Naturally I suppose you stay atuned to these things because you one day want to be in one yourself. I hope this helps in some way and wish you both the best of luck to work through it good luck

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I still would need to hear the details. Otherwise - maybe he couldn't snap out of it as fast as you could because, say, the argument was too intense and slightly traumatised him, and, being more sensitive than you, just needs a bit more time and space. Or maybe he's Narcissistic and because he knows how important frequent sex is to you, is deliberately withholding as a more-subtle-than-usual form of Silent Treatment (punishment). Maybe he's got a worrying lump on his phee-phoo and just isn't ready to tell you thus make it real? Yup, more data please. PS: Thanks Sean, and please do more responses - that was good and comprehensive (in case it indeed is all perfectly benign)!

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(PPS: Are you a Kiwi, Sean?)

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The argument was started by me. We had gone to an out door swimming pool where there was 4 women in about there 30s. I saw my husband looking over a couple of times at them and even over my shoulder at them. I asked him if he knew any of them which he replied he did not. I felt he had looked to often and it was getting me down and he said. You’re not starting this again are you. He has looked at women before in front of me like I am invisible when I am with him and it makes me feel so insecure. He tells me he loves me and only wants me yet he still does it. He done it on holiday looking a cross at a woman and he pretended he was looking at the food. He had a smirk on his face at the time so I knew it wasn’t the food it was the women. He done it when we were out with our son and was looking across at a woman. She was looking back and it was like if I was not there. I wonder if I want if he would want to go with these women. It’s like he as no respect for me at all and whilst I know it is normal to look and find another person attractive you dont keep looking and looking like he as. It was bad enough to find porn on his laptop years a go and I told him to stop but he didn’t and carried on doing it. It hurt me so much to think he did not give a shit how I felt and what it done to me. He says he does not want anyone else and just wants me. He is grey haired, over weight and average height so no great stunner. The argument had gone on and off for the four days and it was him who said something like, Can we get on or I don’t want to argue anymore. I can’t remember which one. I don’t know if he is trying to make me jealous when we are out or he just wants to keep looking at women so much that he can’t stop and never will. Telling him how I feel does not stop him. Me looking at other men yo do what he does to me does not stop him. Sometimes I think he does it because he really wants to go with another woman. He tells me he wants no one else but you don’t keep doing stuff to hurt your partner when they tell you what it does to them. I don’t do anything to hurt him or get him jealous. I’m sick of what he as put me through and hes getting older so when will it ever stop. As for having a lump down there no he hasn’t and I don’t know why Soulmate you came out with something like that but he as had his prostrate removed years a go.

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Any replies to my topic?

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Be with you asap. Meantime - why are you posting as Timmons AND Totoy?

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As I'm short of time - please read this post from Quora. To me, and to anyone who knows their narc onions, be it through studying-up or going through incrreasing Hell at their hands (pretend- or superficially-married to you or not) more than the once - or both and everything in between - this guy is too obviously a Narcissist. Sorry. :( This first respondent (clearly a survivor, herself) is SPOT-ON! It's an Old Chestnut, one of the classic manipulations and shows you how they'd rather go around hurting partners/loved-ones than EVER admit any vulnerability to you...."der enemy"....or where that isn't the issue - risk revealing their sick-bully agenda (or it'd fail to work). It's Anti-Marriage, Anti-Loving behaviour (and in a society of two - Outrageously Inappropriately Antisocial!) meant to make you cling tighter to him because HE'S the intrinsically Insecure, Possessive, Jealous, Territorial one and knows his ego couldn't ever take it if you were to get lured away (found your 30+ confidence and renewed sensuality/sexuality, have you?...or anything else to make you more attractive). With your (subtly but readably "rabbit in headlights" eyes constantly on HIM and what HE'S doing, you automatically become 'unattractive' to any other men or narcissists on-the-cruise or -prowl. ____________________________________________________________________________ QUESTION: "Why does my narcissistic partner still continue to check out other women whilst with me and check out women online even though he knows I hate it?" ((I've popped in some Carriage Returns/paragraph breaks for you to make it easier to read and pause for thought (consult your mental photo albums and diaries) and draw the comparisons)) Cherie Straw · Follow Hair Salon Owner & Special Effects Makeup Artist1y They do that to get a reaction out of you, make you jealous, hurt your self esteem, invalidate your complaints about it, & gain more control over you. (Added bonus for them: Their constant contact with other Women/Men, makes it so they always have a pool of new Women/Men that could be chosen as their next victim/source of supply, just in case you figure them out & bail on them- they line this up in advance so they never have to go without narcissistic supply, they also cannot stand abandonment) Their main angle in every action is getting you to give them more attention & reactions, they don’t care whether or not it’s negative or positive reactions, it’s still attention & feeds their need for that constant supply. Reading so many answers to this question, that imply that constantly checking out other Women online while in a committed partnership is normal behavior - that really proves that Narcissism & Narcissistic Abuse tactics are being normalized in society. It’s not normal, it’s disrespectful, & a form of micro cheating, possibly even full blown cheating & you are only seeing the tip of the iceberg. The only people I’ve been in committed partnerships that constantly check out other people online or in real life have ended up being cheaters or narcissists, or both. What’s the point of commitment, if you constantly have a wandering eye, & are always looking for the next best thing. They never committed & never intended to, you are a possession/toy, another notch in their belt full of victims, an object/trophy. If they continue you to do what you asked them not to leave….actually….just leave anyway if you see any signs of narcissism/cheating. They will never change or stop. They only care about themselves. _____________________________________________________________ PS: "As for having a lump down there no he hasn’t and I don’t know why Soulmate you came out with something like that but he as had his prostrate removed years a go." I was hypothesising, listing some of the possible reasons. But the fact of his prostrate will only have added to his warped attempt to get you keener (by being meaner and meaner). And it's not JUST roundabout threatening he could leave you at any moment (if you don't watch it), is it. It's his refusal to be called to account or even cooperate, whereby what should have been a simple discussion got turned BY HIM into a 4-day TRAUMA. Swat Narx Do. And you've hit the point where you can no longer keep making excuses for him because time has allowed all those drip-drip belittling insulting acts collect into a now-overflowing bucket-ful. That's Covert for ya. The tiny pebble in your shoe which you ignore until it starts to feel like and/or even reveals itself to be, a shard of glass. Which he put there. Have you not been taking-in all the now-above-the-table talk and information about how (this case, Covert) Narcissistic Abusive Husbands treat their wives? (Not a judgement, just a genuine question.) PPS: It was NOT started by you. How would have you started that when it was a REACTION to what HE had "started (doing ...UNBELIEVABLY ENOUGH - AGAIN)"? Famous Meme (various versions): Narcissists would have you believe that your reaction to their abuse is the problem, rather than the abuse itself. _________________________________________________________________ Now check this out ((my double brackets and asterisks)), but ignore the bits about physical violence (unless he has?). Coverts stick to psycho-emotional/verbal abuse/actions/failures to act/correct. And if he's got the co-morbidity of Passive-Aggressive personality disorder on top of Narcissism, type Covert, subtype, Cerebral, then - god help you (they're the worst...."Covert Narc - Death By A Thousand Cuts" (Water-Torture...you'd need the patience of a saint). https://www.charliehealth.com/post/what-is-reactive-abuse "What Is Reactive Abuse? Reactive abuse is a control tactic used by perpetrators of abuse to shift blame away from themselves and onto their partners. Learn how to identify reactive abuse in a relationship and gain skills to end this toxic cycle. By: Alex Bachert, MPH Clinically Reviewed By: Don Gasparini Ph.D., M.A., CASAC June 5, 2023 “Reactive abuse” is when a perpetrator of abuse deliberately triggers their partner into reacting to their abusive behavior aggressively. Abusive partners may use this manipulative tactic to shift blame away from themselves by claiming that the abuse is two-sided. Reactive abuse often occurs in romantic partnerships, but, like all forms of abuse, can also happen within other relationships. Experts largely agree that a more appropriate term for this behavior is self-defense, which is not abuse. When a person is continuously exposed to emotional or physical abuse, they may look for ways to defend themself against their abuser. This defense behavior typically occurs when a person has been dealing with prolonged abuse and finally reaches their breaking point. Examples of defensive behaviors include yelling, verbal attacks, pushing, punching, kicking, and hair-pulling. Partner violence is never healthy, but using these strategies as a form of **self-defense** is not abuse. Is there a difference between self-defense and mutual abuse? You may have heard the term “mutually abusive” to describe a rocky or tumultuous relationship, but experts largely agree that the concept of mutual abuse does not exist. ((- FINALLY! - THANK-YOU FOR REMEMBERING TO SAY SO, ALEX! There is NEVER any Co-Creativity between a master and an unwitting SLAVE. You get manipulated/steered/puppeteered in ways you don't even KNOW, nor could ever conceive of!)) Two people in a relationship can both exhibit unhealthy behaviors, but abuse stems from one person’s desire for power and control over another person. In an abusive relationship, the abuser will ((eventually, at some inevitable point when their broken pairbonding program shuts-down and flips them into Discard phase (YEARS with a Covert - or once you've had kids)) purposely behave in a cruel, violent, demeaning, or invasive manner toward their partner to create an imbalance of power. The victim may eventually react to that abuse, but that response is considered to be self-defense. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, signs that your behavior is in self-defense include: You acted when you felt that your safety was at risk You acted as a way to try and re-establish your independence You’d like to change your behavior because you know it’s not who you are or healthy for a relationship What does reactive abuse look like? Reactive abuse is a manipulation tactic that follows a specific behavior pattern. It can be difficult to recognize when you or a loved one are in an abusive relationship, but these three stages demonstrate what an abusive relationship with reactive abuse can look like. 1. Antagonism ((bear in mind it used to be CALLED Antagonistic Personality Disorder)) At first, the abuser will find ways to provoke or antagonize their partner. These habits may not seem harmful initially, but they can eventually cause a person to hit their breaking point. Here are a few examples of behaviors that can trigger reactive abuse: Asking you a personal or triggering question, especially around other people. Posting or commenting on your social media in an intentionally triggering way. **Intentionally violating your emotional** or physical boundaries. “Forgetting” to do something. **Baiting you into arguments and then belittling your reaction.** 2. Proof **After enduring prolonged physical or emotional abuse, it’s understandable that a person would reach their breaking point and lash out in self-defense. However, the abusive partner will use this to their advantage and consider it “proof” of two-sided abuse. Abuse is about power and control so the abuser, who ultimately holds the most power, will use their partner’s reaction as a way to control the narrative.** 3. Turning the tables The perpetrator of abuse may use certain phrases to manipulate or gaslight their partner into thinking it’s their fault or that both partners are responsible for the abuse. Here are some examples: “Your words/ actions made me act that way.” “You yelled/hit/shoved/pushed me too.” “You started this.” “You’re the one trying to gaslight me”. Is there a link between reactive abuse and narcissism? Reactive abuse can happen in relationships with various kinds of abuse, including narcissistic abuse—a type of emotional abuse employed by people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) to exert control, exploit, and undermine others ((ULTIMATELY, TO STOP THEM FROM LEAVING OR BEING LURED AWAY AS WELL AS TO TAKE ALL THE SELF-RESPECT AND SELF-DEFENSE OUT OF THEM....Yes, dear, no, dear, three bags full, dear...)). Many people display narcissistic traits every once and a while, but people with NPD have an excessive sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy, and a need for constant admiration. In relationships, they may exploit others for their own gain, emotionally manipulate them, engage in gaslighting, belittlement, and various forms of control—all examples of narcissistic abuse. ((PS: he wasn't smirking at that woman, he was doing the Sociopathic Smirk - taunting you by subtly showing you he was ENJOYING your pain - hence my own identification is (the type that has really exploded in number lately) the massively deluded Narcissistic Sociopath (bigger and rougher than a Covert)....sooo smug and arrogant (whereas Covert is usually haughty, pompous), it's enough to put you into background SHOCK each time (which sustained or repeated too often, is dangerous to your whole body and brain and can be fatal).)) ((I'm really sorry)) Narcissistic abuse tactics often intentionally push on a victim’s boundaries to provoke a reaction. ((Yes. They enjoy getting a rise because they equate your ability to get upset with meaning they're still safe because you still love or need them.)) When a victim of narcissistic abuse reaches their breaking point, they may react with anger, frustration, or even aggression. The narcissist then seizes this opportunity to further manipulate the situation, portraying themselves as the victim and justifying their own abusive behavior. They may use the reactive abuse as evidence to discredit the victim’s claims, deflect responsibility, or perpetuate a cycle of abuse. ((I have seen THE once most mildest-mannered victim-wives (and -husbands) you could ever meet go ape-sh*t and THROW THINGS because of having been manipulated into a state of, what can only be called, BEING BESIDE THEMSELVES! Or some PUNCH *THEMSELVES*. Trust me - a NUN would lose it!.....The Pope, even!)) Narcissistic abuse is harmful and can indicate a toxic relationship dynamic. Seeking professional help, such as therapy or support groups, can be crucial for victims to break free from this abusive cycle and regain their emotional well-being. Now, I'm not saying he IS. That's for you to decide or work out. What I WILL say, is: (a) that behaviour alone is definitely emotional (and sexual and spiritual) abuse, and (b) if he ain't a Malignant Narc Abuser, he's doing a damn good job of acting like one. And then we need to talk about your son and what this is doing to him and his chances of pairbondinig on growing-up (so I'm GLAD if you told-off your husband IN FRONT OF your son for oogling women - good on ya!). Try to hold off responding until you've had time to mull it all through, join any dots... or indeed eliminate NPD from the enquiry and he's just extremely insecure? (Still not nice to have a relationship with, but at least you could risk trying couples counselling.)

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