Mom is cheating on my dad. What should I do?

I 22f recently discovered that my mother has been cheating on my father for over a year. This hasn't been the first time it's happened. When I was 15 I discovered my mother sexting someone who wasn't my father. I couldn't figure who it was at the time so I didn't say anything. However eventually I looked at my mother's phone and saw all the messages gone but her call logs still had the number so that's how I found out whom it was back then. I trusted someone and told them everything and they convinced me to confront her. I didn't think it through honestly I was high on emotions and just wanted to know the truth. Of course she denied it and got super pissed at me. But I guess I knew because of her reaction everything I saw was true. I told my father and although he trusted me he eventually believed my mother and I was made out to be the liar. Back then being so young and having this destroy my family I was ashamed I even opened my mouth so I rationalized it to a misunderstanding. And life went on until two days ago. My sister 20f and I were talking and she kept bringing up the incident from a few years ago. And while talking she said she had proof. She showed me what she discovered. It was very explicit pictures of my mother taken. While it can be explained as she took them out for my father however among those pictures was a picture of a man we didn't recognize. You see there is a hidden folder on an app that can hide photos and this is where everything is kept and since my sister and mother share certain apps my sister accidentally came across them. I really don't want to believe my mother is having an affair I don't know what to think either. I mean this can easily be explained but why would a picture of a random man be hidden in with those pictures? No matter how much I want to explain this away I know something is wrong here. I don't know what to do. I'm not 15 anymore but I also don't want to tell my father anything. Nothing good can come of that. Please any advice would be appreciated.

Hi, sorry for the lack of respondents at the mo. Please continue being patient and I or anyone else here will respond just as soon as humanly possible (- perhaps even those waiting in the queue, themselves - cough-cough-hint-hint! :D)

Hello! I am so sorry that you are going through this right now. I have been there several times, but it was the other way around. I learned the hard way that nature doesn't change, no matter what. Since you are younger than me, and this is such a tough situation, I would really like you to calm down first. Take some deep breaths. This time will pass. Having said that, we cannot leave issues unresolved. Clarity and communication are very important for mental health. Give yourself some time to process the information and your emotions. It's natural to feel a mix of anger, betrayal, confusion, and sadness. Rushing into action while overwhelmed can lead to regrettable decisions. The first step here would be to gather the evidence. Make a copy of it. Then try to talk to your mom. Approach her calmly and express your feelings without accusations. Use "I" statements to convey your emotions and avoid making her defensive. For example: "I feel very confused and hurt because I discovered something that suggests you might be having an affair. Can we talk about this?" If you approach her with anger and accusations, you might never get an answer. Because this is your mom, not a friend. She will always be your mom. So, in certain relationships, we have to be calm and communicate. We don't know if the affair is still going on. From your message, I gathered that your sister is talking about past evidence. So, you will have to ask your mother directly. If she avoids the topic, denies it, or exhibits other evasive actions, then your father deserves to know. He is a good man who loves your mom. Maybe you can talk to him separately. Do not tell your mom that you will tell your father. That will not do any good. If you really don’t want to tell your dad right away, consider the potential consequences of keeping this information from him. It’s important to weigh the emotional impact on him and the family. Sometimes, delaying the conversation can give you time to approach the situation more calmly and with more information. Instead of immediately telling your dad, try to talk to your mom first. Emphasize the importance of honesty and the impact her actions are having on the family. Encourage her to come clean and discuss the situation with your dad herself. This might give her a chance to take responsibility and address the issue directly. Remember, it’s crucial to handle this with care and sensitivity. Ultimately, you know your family dynamics best, so trust your instincts about the right time and way to involve your dad. If you feel overwhelmed, consider seeking advice from a trusted family member, friend, or therapist who can provide additional support and perspective. Also, talk to your sister about it in detail. We should always look at conflict resolution. Since you are the eldest, you will have to keep a check on your emotions. When I was in this situation, I confronted my father. He denied it. I told my mom. She believed me because I had enough evidence. We were able to talk to him and make him realize that he was making a huge mistake. But, again, as I said, human nature is evil. It never changes. My mom has made peace with it. Please know that I am here for you. You can send a message anytime. I will try my best to give you the right answer. I know that maybe I cannot solve your problem completely, but at least I might be able to give you some mental peace. I really pray that you get out of this situation. Take care, and keep posting. We are here for you!

Ahh, thanks ever so much for replying HHK, I really appreciate it and that was a good post because it covers all the bases of an intrinsically healthy but wayward wife (just in case). Hi TheMoonIsBeautiful, Given that you've already tried and 'failed' (- HIS failure and fault, not yours) to open your father's eyes - why are you so intent on proving to your father that your mother has been cheating (definitely looks like it, doesn't it - and not just the once)? Out of interest and just to eliminate it from the enquiry: how has your father always treated your mother? Has he been depriving her of a romantic/sexual life, do you know/can you tell? I expect you can because you were what I call a Secret Squirrel kid or a Nancy Drew...eavesdropper and reader of 'signs' and 'atmosphere', a budding crime detective (is that what you want to do?). Are you long-term resentful at your mother for how she's always treated you/other family members, and proving her a cheater would be the vindication and 'sentance Pardon' you seek? Or loyalty towards your dad? Or because you cannot stand gross injustice? If she can talk him round despite the pretty damning evidence - with witnesses - then she obviously has had him under her 'spell' for a long time. He must know, though. Betrayed partners always do (Spidey Senses, Atmosphere Sponges). Because usually, betrayed partners are the Empath and those come with the territory. Blinkering himself, 'turning a blind eye', sticking his head in the sand.... no matter. You planted the seed and it will have been taking root and growing this whole time. It's pretty inevitable that at some point, he'll come out of his 'trance'. In other words - he DOES know. He just for some reason doesn't dare and/or isn't that interested in FACING it. Okay? He knows. He's either by now Co-dependent or - and this probably hadn't occurred to you - as the socially and morally responsible one, he's trying to keep the family together until you guys are more independent and can take a Divorce. And possibly not halve the marital wealth and assets. ALSO, bloody-boilingly unfair though it is - despite being the victim, he would probably see you guys less. YOu DON'T KNOW...she might have threatened him with making his access to you nigh-on impossible if he ever leaves her. All of that is me, trying to keep an open mind and give the benefit of the doubt, just in case she's REACTIVELY Abusive and he's stripped her of any rightful marital control (e.g. access to finances), despite appearances whenever you and sister are around, but if you want my actual opinion, it's this: What kind of mother cheats on her two babies' father and threatens their all-important nest? What kind of mother cheats (and even flirting and confiding about your marriage is cheating, just the thinner end of the wedge) on her supposed Numero Uno (it's utterly devastating) (which his blinkering might be protecting him from) What kind of mother/woman reacts with feeling mightily pissed-off at her own daughter for finding-out her marital crime? Guilty, Contrite, Compassionate towards your own baby who's found out something threatening to her own future welfare, SURELY?! Pissed-off with you - are you KIDDING me?! What kind of mother turns her crime against the family round to be YOUR - the mere elephant-pointer and messenger - destruction?! (Any, events show it did NOT destroy the family and saying that was ollocks.) What kind of grown-up woman with a husband and two children, SEXTS like a ruddy teenager? Sleazy, much? What kind of woman when caught Red-handed, DELETES the evidence rather than holds her hands up and finally tackles whatever marital problem? (Or isn't there one.) What kind of grown-up woman doesn't have it occur to her to delete ALL the evidence...all the clearest, most damning evidence, I should add. That's like consciously or subconsciously leaving a trail of breadcrumbs. That says, I want you to keep suspecting but with no way of proving it (google "Covert Narcissist - Plausible Deniability)! I COULD go on... but, sorry, her whole behaviour - not working right like a normal-healthy wife/mother/person - is DRIPPING in Narcissistic beliefs, attitudes and behaviours. Plus a link has now been proven between Narcissists (or the highly narcissistic so may as well be) and Serial Cheating. And making her own daughter her Scapegoat (google Narcissistic Family Dynamic; Narcissistic Mother; Narcissistic Cheater AND READ THE VICTIM FEEDBACK IN THE COMMENTS SECTION AT THE BOTTOM because that's where you get to know the day-to-day behavioural minutae - e.g. Narc mothers overtly or covertly COMPETE with their own daughters, including trying to dress young, get into young music, and claim to be their daughter/s' "best friend", hang-out with them and their friends, telling them to cover up in front of their father (as if he's some sort of incestuous paedo!)....on and on and on....). My opinion is more - how is she NOT a serial cheater - and thought-manipulator and emotional-manipulator AND SITUATION manipulator? What say YOU? Do YOU think so? Have you read up on the cheating narcissist and serial cheaters? Covert Narcs tend to two- or three-time (their better at holding down a job), but Sociopathic Narcs (covert and overt simultaneously/dumb and lazy in a very sneaky, clever way, ham-fisted, lies wrapped around truth/vice-versa, gobsmackingly arrogant and over-entitled (helping themselves to your stuff and never returning or ruining), NOT behaving according to their supposed class and social status (including dressing and behaving over-sexually-provocatively, more like some stereotypically-bawdy barmaid in some dive).....and so-so-so much more, whether it is hidden from you/hidden well, or not). The NSpath mother is the worst mother in the world, and is the one who uses (google) The Pity Ploy/Play the most (boo-hoo...I know I was mean to you but can't you just keep it to yourself?...you're so meean to meee, boo-hoo, it wasn't my fault it was yours/hers/the situation's (again)...boo-hoooo. Pity underhandedly disarms your rightful anger and indignation and insistence on confronting whichever latest issue they've caused. She doesn't sound that bad, albeit does HAVE some of those behavioiural traits, but, maybe there's more you haven't told us? "I really don't want to believe my mother is having an affair I don't know what to think either. I mean this can easily be explained but why would a picture of a random man be hidden in with those pictures? No matter how much I want to explain this away I know something is wrong here. I don't know what to do. I'm not 15 anymore but I also don't want to tell my father anything. Nothing good can come of that. Please any advice would be appreciated." That came last, but your thread title and opening statement were the truth: "My mom is cheating on my dad. What can I do?" "I 22f recently discovered that my mother has been cheating on my father for over a year. This hasn't been the first time it's happened." And I repeat - with all of that and how she reacted and 'dealt' with it - HOW COULD SHE *NOT* BE A NARCISSIST. Normal, MENTALLY, not just physically, full-grown, mature women The ONLY mitigating evidence would be if your father secretly treats her badly in ways too private and subtle for you to know about and she's scared of him, trying desperately to locate a taxi-on-legs OUT of that marriage. So DOES that fit with anything you've ever picked-up on? What do you WANT to do? If I were your Fairy Godmother with my magic wand - what's your wish? Describe it in detail and include the potential outcomes. If you know what you want to achieve, then you cease rocking on the spot, not knowing whether to go forwards, backwards, left or right. Right now, you're a human Wobble-Board, eh. Horrid, isn't it. So let's stabilize you first. (((((((((((((PARENTAL HUG))))))))))))))))))

ps: Forgot one: Or maybe she's been doing a number on him for so many years that he's just TOO KNACKERED to face and deal with it? Or ALL of that. But if he's an Empath - definitely to protect you two. Actually - forgot another: maybe dad DID deal with it, but completely out of your awarenss and ultimatumed her, meaning, this is her last chance? Don't know. What exactly did he say when you told him that time? Does sister know you're on here? Does she want to join in? If she doesn't, then I advise you pass it all on, keep her in the loop. It's that Not Knowing, including which way is Up, that is so damaging to your still-developing minds (it's fully-baked at roughly age 25).

And another: Your father knows....can't deal with the huge life-disruption at the mo (imortant point in his career, e.g. going for a promotion?)...but is just biding his time..... (If that's the case, she's going down because there is nothing scarier than a severely pissed-off empath that's been pushed to breaking point and she's going to get the shock of her life when he wipes the floor with her and she (him first if he's been to a solicitor to prepare) finds out her downright phantasmic threats have no basis in (family court) reality. And then she'll be one of those wingers who claims the court was bent and had it in for her. They're NOT bent, but of COURSE the entire, ultimate, family-justice department is going to have it in for a family-user, abuser, destroyer - duuh?...."BAT-MAAAAN!....danna-danna-danna-danna-danna-danna-danna-danna, BAT-MAAAAN!"... they're Rescuers. They rescue victims - kids first, then innocent partner (and see that as the same thing since kids need a content mum to develop properly (unless they're very strong like you and sis)). It's why it's called Family COURT...because destroying the family (and thereby threatening the community fabric) IS A CRIME. Try not to worry so much. Fate's Court gets them, anyway. It's not a case of If, just WHEN. And how big a life punishment thus how long it takes to bake or be perfectly-timed.

Tsk - typo - 'one of those whingers'. And I didn't finish my sentance (soz, brain going too fast): ...whereas Narcissistic Sociopaths like to build an entire, secret, Harem (but where each lover - or fan and lover-in-waiting - has no clue there are many more of 'them'....up to 15 secret safety-nets/lily-pads to insta-leap/consequence-avoid and escape to for WHEN (inevitable) they finally get spat out).

Sorry - so sorry - I was having to rush at the time: Re the family court para: the courts protect kids first, then whichever is the innocent, sufficiently healthy parent/custodian on whom said kids rely (for correct and sane functioning and feedbacking). Also didn't finish this sentance: "And I repeat - with all of that and how she reacted and 'dealt' with it - HOW COULD SHE *NOT* BE A NARCISSIST. Normal, MENTALLY, not just physically, full-grown, mature women" don't think and behave like that. If they weren't happy with their marriage, they would waste no time in insisting on a talk...counselling...with or without a time-defined Separation, and if those didn't work - agree sadly but civilly (if you're lucky, amicably) to Divorce. ...SEVEN YEARS of doing nothing but having fun at all of you's expense, not tackling a thing. Why? Because how things are, are how SHE, the over-entitled Dominator-User-Abuuser, LIKES it. Lily31 (thread still active - Parents Split Up) - her father cheated on her mother. But it was again, how he reacted and behaved from then on (worse and worse, even trying to hurt her and her siblings to pee them and their mother off) that proved beyond a shadow of a doubt what HE was. AND what type.