So hurt that my adult kids are excluded from family event

Went to a family bar mitzvah. The first grandchild of my closest sister which I refer to as sister 2. I was told by my nephew who is giving the event that no cousins are invited when the invites went out since my kids didn't receive an invite. Then I found out when going to the event that my other sister (1), kids and grandkids were all invited. I refer to her sister one. I was invited with a guest so I thought of bringing my son who is single and alone, but before I did so I asked my nephew if cousins were invited, at which point he told me they were not to keep the numbers down. Then I talked to my sister number one and said to her I don’t know whether to bring my son or not because I don’t wanna hurt any of the other cousins feelings since I understand none of them are invited. The only thing she told me was that sister number 2 son wife and two kids were invited and then she went into this long explanation of why they were invited. However, she never mentioned sister number 1's other son and wife being invited (stepchildren). So I brought my son and my daughter and son-in-law were excluded. However, when I walked into the event, sister number 1's children and grandchildren were all there. Conveniently, my nephew never told me about this and lied and also conveniently my sister 2 never told me about it since she only mentioned a few of them. I was shocked and very upset and I saw my sister number 2 when I walked in and I said wow, congrats but it seems like certain cousins made the cut; she walked away and started asking my son what's wrong with your mother? He said he was staying out of it. Now I shouldn’t have said that, but I was so upset and shocked that I was lied to by my nephew and sister 2. I tried to make up with my sister at the event and she says she really loved me but seems really mad at me really what did they expect? I was attending the party so I was going to find out either way. Why was I lied to and I feel so hurt. Am I being oversensitive? By the way, my niece is sister number two daughter, told me she was upset that both of my kids and my son-in-law were excluded particularly since sister number 1's and grandchildren were included.

it seems I was the only one concerned about the other family members' feelings and no one else gave a crap. they couldn't even be honest with me so I didn't walk into the event feeling total betrayed.

Hey, this situation sounds like a real mess. Family drama can be so tough, especially when it involves big events like a bar mitzvah. It's totally understandable to feel hurt and confused about being excluded and lied to. It might help to try and talk things out with your family members. Maybe there was a misunderstanding or miscommunication that led to this situation. Either way, it's important to take care of yourself and your feelings. Surround yourself with supportive people who can help you through this rough patch. Remember, it's okay to feel upset, but try not to let it consume you. Family stuff can be messy, but you'll get through it. Hang in there!

I never heard from either of my sisters. My bday is 10 days away. I am still very disturbed about this and do not believe I should be the one to reach out. Thoughts? There is no justifiable circumstances for their actions.

So Confused aka Chances, No. Don't reach out. It's not your job to, you did nothing wrong, you were the wronged one. How DARE Sister 2 be mad at you because your understandably mad at HER. That she is, fits perfectly with this saying about Narcisissm: Narcissists would have you believe that your REACTION to their abuse is the problem, rather than their the abuse itself. See? Doesn't that fit perfectly? Google "Narcissistic Family Dynamic - Scapegoat" but before that, read the below linked-in article. That's you. Whether always the scapegoat (including the rug they sweep mistakes under while gagging/censoring), or whether it's just your turn again? (Phrases in quote marks - google, preceeded with 'Narcissist -'.) The nephew was the organiser thus, ostensibly, logically, in-charge of the guest list/numbers. Maybe you unwittingly irked him or someone near to him and with influence over him, without realising...Not necessarily because you did anything that would have pissed a normal person off - maybe even just for 'being You'?...But this (or whomever is behind it) is clearly not a normal person. Reading, it felt like a case of 'Take THAT!' because there had been ample time for anyone to step in, advocate or right the wrong prior to the event, yet they did nothing but feed you "Narcissistic Word Salad" and try to distract and divert you off the scent with Red Herrings. ...Or simply a case of, reckoning you wouldn't dare make a fuss if you ended-up the deprived and neglected one or perhaps, 'who cares if you did'. They sound sly, cold-hearted, vindictive, and horrible...a bunch of Plastique Fantastique cowards who can't just have an adult, normal conversation to sort things out and smooth understandably ruffled feathers (plus fluff-up everything and LOVE "Ruining Special Occasions"). You were either abused proactively, or, "abused via neglect and deprivation" as includes being made to feel you don't matter compared to everyone else. (Smacks of Narcissistic bonkers Heirarchy and associated rules.) Your one-liner was brilliant, by the way. Really impressed you could come out with something that quick-fire, sharp and spot-on under that sort of immense duress and shock. Me, I think S2 got of LIGHTLY! But that Sister 2 couldn't even think up something to defend herself with so instead "flounced-off" and tried to make out there was 'something wrong' with you for naturally having an issue - to one of the children! - yours! - is, when in a package with other signs, very characteristic of a narcissistic move (including "using kids as pawns/weapons"). It smacked of, she knows the truth but isn't about to explain anything about it to YOU (or you might feel finally able to DO something about this rotten set-up) (Covert style). She basically ran off while doing a little quickfire "Smear-Campaign"-ette ('your mother's the problem'). A normal, non-guilty sister would have stayed - INSISTED, even, that you talk to her, and said something like, 'Heyyy, why you being like this - what's wrong, what's happened?'. She knew darn well already. But then, she's the one who gave you the Word Salad and Distraction (diverting the convo to S1) on the phone, isn't she? Or equally it could be that a number of them have been taught to see you as the one who comes last in the queue, hence have an attitude that says, if he/they have gone over the numbers, they can just deduct from YOUR brood and you'll not only let them get away with it, unconfronted, but *will forgive them as usual. (*Correct?) But I don't think so because - how could 2 more hurt?! Additionally, if you do confront, all they have to do is turn the perpetrator-victim tables on you to avoid your right to your 'day in court' with them. Or maybe he was 'commanded' to? WHICHEVER!...He still let it happen, didn't he. I imagine if he'd been ordered yet disagreed with it for its hurtful unfairness and disrespect, he'd have given you a clue, even WHOOPS!-under his own radar - within the semantics or syntax of his reply, e.g., 'Yeah, apparently (or I was told/I understand) it's to keep the numbers down'. Maybe blushed involuntarily? Stuttered, even? Ended with a '...yeah, sorryyy'. Feel the difference compared with what HE said - and how coolly and confidently he said it. Lingustically, IMO, he OWNED it...made it crystal-clear it was HIS doing (or that he was fine about taking credit for it). That whole scenario sounded highly Marchievellian (google). That your son basically wouldn't give sister 2 her easy way out (good lad!), refused to help her by 'playing' her game, and basically said 'No Comment' shows that this sort of treatment (like you're the Second Class citizen in that 'society') isn't a first. It also feels as if he was saying - 'Do what normals do and speak to her, not me (you coward of a child)'. What did elder son have to say about it all, later? Anyway. Mistakes, if that's what they are, get apologised for or at least explained, ASAP OR AT THE FIRST OPPORTUNITY!, whereas they all wanted it shoved under the rug and for you to just take it, this horrid belittlement and humiliation. This doesn't sound like a family, it sounds more like a Narcissistic one, to point of, Cult, which I advise you to either cut out altogether or spend far less time around (either maintaining that minimal contact or continuing increasingly to shuffle almost imperceptibly away!). Because that was UCKING MEAN, TO THE CORE! And you can't have people around you who treat you like that nor to that long, drawn-out degree. It was a form of psychological ostracisation, in fact. I say, ostracise the bsstds back! You left school decades ago and don't need this childish, nasty, spiteful, socially-inept/crippled, virtually ZERO-Empathied, playground, sh*t, it's REALLY unhealthy for you (and makes you 'appear' unattractive to normal-healthies who'd otherwise be drawn to you). You need a family! De-slime and then choose your OWN family through friends (pref. new and definitely only those in the same/similar boat) : ((my comments in double brackets)) ___________________________________________________________________________ https://useyourdamnskills.com/2024/01/18/abusive-families-are-like-cults/ "Escaping an abusive family is a lot like escaping a cult. That may sound dramatic— but I believe it’s true. ((I *know* it is!)) Abusive families, like cults, often require members to adhere to a code of silence— especially to anyone outside the group. Abusive families, like cults, often require members to pretend to anyone outside the group that not only is everything “fine” on the inside— everything is GREAT. (Many people who grew up in abusive families can tell you about the pressure they often felt to affirm their family’s goodness to others.) Abusive families, like cults, are often subject to the direction of a powerful leader. In abusive families, as in cults, questioning the leader is often a ticket to punishment and ostracism. ((DO YOU RECALL HAVING EVEN ACCIDENTALLY/INADVERTENTLY/UNWITTINGLY DONE THAT PRIOR TO THIS EVENT?)) Abusive families, like cults, function because their members are dependent upon them. ((Do you show them up because you're divorced with kids yet coping fine or happier (that would definitely put a male narc/misogynist's back up because it could give other victimised females an example to dare follow)) For a very long time, most of ((us)) could not “opt out” of our families— just like it’s not practical or realistic for many cult members to opt out of their involvement with their group. Like cults, abusive families often exploit members’ economic dependence on the group specifically. ((Is that where you're uncontrollable?)) Like cults, abusive families often go out of their way to become members’ main, or only, social network or support. Abusive families, like cults, often have their own “lore”— stories about why the group is the way it is, and why people outside of the group “wouldn’t understand” what’s actually happening in the group. The “leaders” of abusive families, much like the leaders of cults, often claim that their “authority” to dominate and control members comes from God— and to question this authority is to question the divinely inspired, divinely endorsed “plan.” Like cults, abusive families tend to limit the information available to members. Like cults, abusive families often limit the opportunities for members to socialize or interact with people not in the group— and, like cults, abusive families often frame this as being for members’ “own good.” Abusive families, like cults, cultivate the belief that loyalty to ((and conformity with)) the group is the top priority in members’ lives— and if members have a problem with that, it demonstrates a problem with their “character.” Escaping from an abusive family, like escaping from a cult, is more difficult than it may seem. ((Ollocks, it's easy, it just hurts for a while and then you feel lighter and happier and your life takes off properly at last.)) When trying to escape from an abusive family, members may experience ((misuigded/misplaced - incorrect)) feelings of guilt, shame, or fear— much like when devotees escape a cult. ((It's just an ancient, programmed-in, survivalist reflex, especially if as children onwards one has been 'kittenified' and lacks skills for independence (or thinks they do).)) When distancing themselves from an abusive family, members might find their economic or social resources very suddenly, very drastically limited. ((SMALL price to pay! Without monkeys on your back, suddenly you're succeeding and overtaking ANYWAY...which they knew perfectly well you would, HENCE (etc.)) Much like devotees escaping a cult, people distancing themselves from an abusive family may feel shame for not having escaped, or tried to escape, earlier ((BECAUSE it's surprisingly so much easier without them!)) — but the truth is, escaping ether an abusive family OR a cult is simply not that easy or straightforward. ((Tis if you know how. Definitely easier than staying in that dungeon.)) After escaping from an abusive family or a cult, survivors often experience extreme anxiety about EVER getting into another relationship— because they’ve had their loyalty used to hurt them. ((That passes.)) Growing up in an abusive family or getting sucked into a cult leaves emotional scars. ((True, but they don't tend to chafe (chaff?sp?) much.) Those scars are not your fault. Even if you were an adult when you joined a cult. (No one “joins a cult,” by the way. We join groups or churches that we have every reason to think will enhance our lives— and which are often working effortfully to make red flags appear green.) When we’ve grown up in an abusive family, and/or been part of a cult, we can’t pretend that’s NOT a part of our history. ((When you manage it, you feel super-strong and like you can take anything on.)) We need to do what we need to do to recover. ((EITHER LEAVE OR SHUFFLE AWAY OUT OF MISSILE AND PAPER-CUT RANGE - google: Covert Narcissists - death by a thousand papercuts.)) No shame. It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t your choice. ((Nope.)) But recovery, is. ((Yeah, baby!)). ___________________________________________________________________________ PS: Coverts always use the kids as if they're pawns, messengers, crowbars, baseball bats to beat you with (make them upset to upset you). But then NPDs, to varying degrees, abuse not just people (objects) but anything or everything they touch ("NPD - the reverse Midas touch"). Thoughts?