We were best friends

I met my best friend in the sixth grade, online, from a mutual acquaintance. She and I were both girls, and we loved to roleplay (write stories with characters we created). We made characters and relationships for a good nine years, and we were very emotionally tied together. I don't know when it started, but at some point, when we got together at her house, we would get intimate because we kept roleplaying. It was all we ever really had in common. I've always insisted to myself that it was a different person; I got intimate because my character loved hers. It was a taboo topic for the two of us to discuss, and so we never really mentioned it to one another for the longest time. It never resulted in a loss of my vaginal, anal, or oral virginity; everything was clitoral stimulation, groping, and making out. But it was still sex. She never let me touch her, though. It's not like she would force anything on me either, but I've always been a follower. I would let it happen, and then to avoid thinking about it being my body, I would insist to myself it was someone else's. But I never loved my best friend, nor was I ever sexually attracted to her. For me it was all play, but it was playing with my body. I don't know how to completely accept that. This intimacy at her house continued for a number of years, nearly every time I was over. I am now 20, and a few years ago we did talk about what we did but only over text, and we skirted around the issue. In the end we both agreed to stop being intimate, but we never really came to a closure about what had happened between us. Over the summer she asked what it meant when I said "I love you" to her at the end of the day, or after I'd vented to her. I insisted it was only in friendship, and from there realized we'd talked too long, had too much interaction, and just needed space. I've spoken to her a handful of times since then, and apparently she's in a relationship (with a man or woman I don't know). But mostly, we don't talk; she's closed herself off to me and I don't want to risk more conflict to approach her for closure. I'd love to get on with my life and find out who I am when I'm not violently attached to her in every aspect, but I've never really worked out the fact that we were too close in the bedroom. The two of us dealt with it in our own ways, but never really talked about the issue together, and I've never told a soul how close we really were. Those private moments have been in me for maybe seven years now, and I want to let them go. It feels like they're going to hold me back. I can only hope putting them online helps.