I am searching for myself

I lost myself 5 years ago and now i am stuck.no matter how much i searched i couldnt find what i was looking for.if i dont find it i will never move forward in life. I was a bad kid.i done alot of illegal stuff had money and name.i think it was that time i could understand the meaning of having a pride.my last work was with 7 people i called them brothers that time.it didnt go as i was planed and 1 of us was caught.i was afraid and happy the same time.In the police station. no matter how hard they hit us no one was talking even if we cryed from the pain we still didnt betrayed each other.i was happy that time i thru i found the best guys to follow me.when i thru everything is ok a policeman said one of us talked and that time i relearned the meaning of getting betrayed.i was charged for 1 year in the orphanage but thanks the money i had saved by doing illegal stuff i buy few month and i stayed 4 month in the orphanage.i got my freedom in the day i had my birthday after that i close myself inside.i lost eveything my friends my pride and most important my will to move forward. I think somewhere there is an answer to open myself again. if someone can help me i will appreciate.