Nobody to confide in about my 'double' life

Best to go right back to the beginning I suppose and sorry if this seems a bit long winded. I'm 54 now but when I was 19 I met and fell deeply in love with a man who was a lot older than me (37 years). I'll call him Mike. He was totally honest from the beginning that although he felt the same, he would not be with me fully because of the age difference (this really didn't worry me at all, I would have married him in a heartbeat) but also because he knew that i wanted children and he already had 2 grown up sons by this ex wife, (both older than me) and didn't want another family. Also both of his sons strongly disapproved of our relationship. We had a lot against us really and after 15 months he went to the States to work and give us some space. Whilst he was there he wrote and told me he wouldn't be coming back to me and to find somebody who could give me the family I wanted. So I did! I married, on the rebound, 9 months later to a good man who I had known for a couple of years. I was heartbroken throughout the whole time. The only person who I confided in was my mother. She was totally there for me and helped me through. We were married for about a year when Mike came back. As soon as i found out i went to him and we both knew that from that moment on we would be together one way or another. Only a couple of weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I truly didn't know whose my baby was but stayed within my marriage because of the pregnancy. I prayed that the child would be Mikes but from the moment she was born i could see that she was my husbands - she was the living image of him. My love for her was immediate, so i stayed but saw Mike as much as possible (1 to 2 times a week on average - never enough). I went on to have 2 more children, planning them and making sure that I knew they were my husbands but I continued my affair even throughout these pregnancies. This all sounds so bad for my husband and it is but he really didn't know and when you feel as I did about someone they are like a drug - I couldn't let him go and he didn't want to go! As time went on, I don't know what i would have done without my Mum - she totally got me. She was the only person I told and she enabled me to live my 'double' life by having the children for me so i could go to Mike. She covered for me every time (shopping trips, coffee in town etc) - no questions asked but in return refused to meet Mike and never did. This situation continued for many years of my marriage. I was then, and continue to be, as good a wife as I can be - I have a true affection for my husband and if he ever had any doubts in me he has never voiced them. Mike ended our relationship and the very last time we made love was 16 years ago. He was 75, I was 38. He went to live near his son, refusing to let me know where - he didn't want me to see him get old he said. I have totally respected his decision and never contacted him again - nor him me. I have never been happy since that day. The hurt is like a gaping salted wound which refuses to heal. I have thrown myself into being a fantastic mum - I am there for my children 100%. I continue to care for my husband's every need as always. My mum once again was my safety net, my saviour. she cuddled me when I cried, allowed me to vent my anger without reproach and therefore kept my sanity for me. But 2 years agao she died very suddenly. As a family she has left a gaping hole and I know that my children have struggled to come to terms with her death - she was more than a grandma to them. Her death (thankfully) had nothing to do with the undoubted stress my situation must have put her under and I thank god for that. I miss her so much firstly because she was my mum and i loved her but also because I don't know if I can carry on this farce of a life without her here as my safety valve. But i will hurt so many people if i don't. I know I must seem very selfish but I have nobody now to relieve the hurt and that is why I have written it down . Maybe somebody will understand just a little.

well i think its personally just so hard to begin to let go of our first lover and perfectly understand this and it is one of the hardest things too do and im so sorry to hear about your mom passing away. You dont sound selfish and i think most def if you told them about this it would hurt them tremendously but sometimes the truth is what's s needed especially since you can't even keep contact with you lover. But i think this time where you just continue to be their for your kids and husband and just give them all of you and i wouldn't dare say forget your lover but just always carry him in your heart but keep your head up and be blessed =)

To EASTEAST: Oh thank you, thank, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I had never dared hope that I could again confide in someone who would not judge me and your reply has given me just that hope. To write down my feelings is something that i have done for a long time as I find it allows me to order them again but nothing has been the same since Mum died and I could talk openly about what Mike means/meant to my life and get a response -sometimes things that i most definitely didn't want to hear especially once he had gone from me. So to allow me to further lance (for a short while anyway) the growing distress that has built up over the last few months, I want to tell you more about Mike and what we shared. Firstly this is not about sex - all i will say is that making love, (and thats what we did - often), was very important to both of us and that we had a connection on that level that goes far beyond the one that I have ever shared with my husband. But we also had personal intimacy, a connection that bound us together with 'gold thread'. Nothing was out of bounds, we talked about everything and anything - I needed to share both the tiniest parts and biggest parts of my life away from him, with him! Without doing that I didn't feel whole and that is why I continue to ache for him to this day - I am no longer whole. He wasn't an overly handsome man - average i suppose but i found him beautiful- but he was very fit (he played a lot of tennis with his sons) and very intelligent. We laughed together, giggled lots - we shared a sense of humour. I never saw his age -it was a barrier that was never relevant as far as I was concerned - I was proud he was mine. Very occasionally (very,very) when my husband had an extra long day at work, I would leave the kids with Mum and we would drive - anywhere as long as it was a good distance away and then we would wander hand in hand through the streets. We wanted people to see us together - i wanted to parade my love for this man even if only to strangers. Once we did this when i was heavily pregnant with my 2nd child - I could see people looking, assuming that it was Mikes baby i was carrying, they would never know my disappointment that we had decided that all my children should have the same father and the anguish I felt at never being able to carry his child inside me. We shared my pregnancies though, (I hope some of the following does not make you uncomfortable I just need to say it to make you understand), He loved to see and feel my body changing and he would lay, caressing me and feel my babies moving inside me. His lovemaking at this time was so tender and we made love right up to the last days of my pregnancys. I have a friend who is a photographer and when my first son was born in 1985 I asked her to bring her video camera to the birth and film it for 'us.' She agreed and again when my second son was born 2 years later. She made the most amazing films both times and I held Mike to me and sobbed as we shared them. He drank from me as I lactated, a knowledge of me, that for us, was totally fundemental. My love for him was all absorbing, had no boundaries. And we continued for 8 more years -realistically I knew that things would have to change, but as the years went on I chose to ignore the signs that I would have to let go. My mum used to talk to me about this. She was aware, that as she was getting older (and she was 7 years younger than Mike), that she was beginning to plan a pathway to the end of her life - what she hoped for, the way she wished for things to be. I asked him about this and he agreed that was how things were for him too. As i said the age difference made no difference to me but he did find it difficult at times and this was not helped by his sons' total refusal to accept our relationship - they would both totally ignore me if they ever arrived at his house whilst i was there. These were grown men in their 30's! He however remained close to them (as he should) and I know that he had begun to rely on them more and more during the last couple of years of our relationship. Eventually the inevitable happened - I have never spoken to anyone about our last meeting -not even Mum (I have tucked it deep away for fear of what voicing it might do to me) and that is how it will stay for the rest of my life. The 2 years after he left are really a complete blur to me - I don't know how i got through them. Some days whilst the kids were at school i would just drive and cry. This to me sounds hysterical but sometimes I did not recognise the sounds that came from me they were so base. Mum would hold me or shout at me when I got into such a bad state, more than once grabbing a photo of the chidren and shaking it in front of my face screaming "these are your life, these are your life." I knew she was right and as I said yesterday I have given my self to them with her help ever since. Now she is gone too and since then, until today i have had nobody to share my feelings with. Writing this down and having you reply has made me rethink and go ahead and do something that I know is necessary for me - see a counciller - you will never know what a relief it is to acknowledge Mike again - I realise now that I will be ill if I cannot allow myself to speak of him. He is so much a part of me I have his name written on my heart and to deny him could destroy me. So thank you EASTEAST- your advise was sound, I need to think of my wellbeing for the sake of my husband and children. This is what Mum used to tell me too.

Hi again just a quick ask - I would hate to assume that you would feel the need to reply but if you read this could you please quickly acknowledge so that I know. Thank you

sorry it took me awhile to reply. i'm 20 hehe im had college classes=) but i perfectly understand and oh goodness no i judge no one. i don't want to be judged myself. Because thats not my job to judge other people. thats just me i'm very understanding young lady and i could see behind your story that your connection was so much more than a simple love affair =) i'm here anytime if you want talk feel free =)

sorry for all my spelling errors. and no i'm not saying deny him..or anything just carry him in your heart embrace those memories..i'm always here if u want talk i'll try to get on here everyday =)

Always remember EVERYTHING happens for a reason..sometimes we may not fully understand..sometimes it takes time to show you or sometimes we will never know fully but just know..everything happens for a reason=)

Oh my darling, such an old head on young shoulders! Thank you for your time and care - you can never know just how important you will always be in my life - you have given me back my peace of mind by taking the time to 'talk' to me. But you must continue with your studies without having to think any more about me and that is why i have left it a couple of days to reply. I needed to get in place the next stage of my recovery and have during the last couple of days chosen from a number of councillers that I have visited a lovely kind lady to guide me on my way. I felt immediately comfortable with her and was able to show her the letters that I wrote to you. She, like you, can see the depth of my despair but reasuures me that by making Mike real to her i will once again be able to function comfortably within my family. She even reassures me that (much) further down the line she will attempt to guide me through our last meeting as she feels that this is the singular reason that i am unable to cope properly and I need to at least acknowledge my feelings if not the details of that day - she has suggested hypnosis could help me begin this process. I will have to see. i cannot even begin to allow myself the pain at the moment but I truly have hope that one day I will be ready. My children remain my sole focus and my husband thankfully remains oblivious -a good but ambitious and totally self absorbed man. With much love and my unending thanks i wish you every happiness in the future. Jen

your so welcome =) i love helping people out whenever i can and it makes me so happy that i help you=) i truly hope things continue to go a little bit better for you each day.

Whatever you did, you did with total honesty. Life is not always black or white and you cannot be blamed for seeking happiness wherever the means are. I am in a loveless and hopeless marriage right now and know that my family will never accept me if I leave my marriage although my husband has abused me emotionally. I just can understand how loneliness feels. You must consider yourself very lucky that your life was blessed with people who loved you unconditionally and were never judgemental about you. Your mother has stood by you and protected you instead of judging you. It must be such a terrible thing to lose a mother like her. I will pray to god that you find the strength to get over your loss. Consider yourself lucky that god blessed you with so much love from so many people and never lose hope. There are many people who yearn for love all their lives. DO not ever judge/hurt yourself. Nobody lived your life so nobody else can judge your actions. Remember you have a good life ahead of you with sweet memories of the past. Happy Living !!!

Hi Rose, It was so lovely to see the email from this site earlier today and to know that you had taken the time to both read and then reply to my posts. Everything you say is true, I know every day how lucky I have been and this, whilst Mum was alive was my salvation. But as you obviously know yourself, to do/feel/think the right thing is so, so difficult when you are living in a situation over which you have no control. i have my children and for their sakes I have forced myself to carry on these last 2 years. But I lived in hope that the pain would ease. In fact Mum's death just compounded the feelings of despair I have carried since Mike left. It has made me appreciate (as you said) how much mum carried me. Her strength cushioned me. I miss her so badly. I totally recognise the tone of your letter. You obviously have your own private anguish and I suspect that you are finding it difficult to move forward - like me. I really am not in a position to be any help to you at the moment other than to say write your feelings down, be candid try to discover what it is you need to move forward with your life. This is what i did and as I said in my previous posts, it was the acknowledgment of Mike by EASTEAST that lanced the boil of desperation and hopelessness which grew within me day by day. The feelings of relief were overwhelming. I have still lived this week minute by minute - some days are endless but I would never 'hurt' myself because of my children - i love them more than i love me and they need me. I must protect them at ALL costs. The councilling I have arranged will help i'm sure - I will be able to talk freely about Mike and maybe sometime in the not too distant future I will begin to feel some hope again. i will always 'listen' if you decide to write. I hope that your own pathway to happiness will become apparent very soon. Take care Jen