Past takes over my sanity

Straightly to the point. I'm afraid, simply terrified of any closer contact. Let me tell you few things to explain the complexity of the situation. I'm 19 y.o. I was raised in a hospital for approximately 12 years (4-16/17) due to a cancer (that still exists btw).My parents abandoned me at the age of 12, since they had enough of the abnormal child. So most of my time I was all alone. Without friends nor anyone to talk. The important thing is once I turned 18, I started to decide if I want to continue my treatment or not, which obviously I've stopped taking, leaving a death sentence upon me. 7 months ago, I fell in love with someone. After what I've been through, it felt just...different. Warm. Safe. But after 2 months, I got dumped, because of the cancer. (To overcome questions, I got my hair back before I found the "love" thing, so you couldn't really tell if I had it that time or not) I never really got over it, but it's not so painful anymore. Since I never experienced the whole real love thing, it was something tremendous. Something unimaginable. At least for me. Since then, I'm trying to be a picture perfect in front of everyone's eyes. I'm understanding, I'm helping everyone around me, I'm using my knowledge and experience from my life to help other people in need. I'm quite a nerd, since my entire life was about books, so it's quite understandable. What's more, people I'm hanging out with now are saying that I'm a really handsome for a white guy, especially with that childish face of mine. The major problem is, that when anybody gets close to me, I always feel like I'm not being enough. No matter what I do, it's always too less. I can't get over that, even though I know that people don't seek for perfection itself, I can't stop thinking that I will become a source of someone's disappointment. What should I do? Comments like "You should pull yourself back together", " you have to leave your past behind, it can't decide for you", "You're a grown up, deal with it already" won't be appreciated. I hear that a lot and it's not my fault I can't do much about it. I'm just curious about your view, your opinion. I don't seek solution, but just a few opinions. Thanks in advance,' Your fellow weirdo, Bart.

first of all im am deeply sorry that your parents abandoned you and i'm soooo sorry to hear about you having to deal with cancer. stop trying to be picture perfect bert just be yourself and i promise you'll catch someone eyes. if you try to be picture perfect thats like living the impossible. you deserve for someone to come along and love you and accept you for all of you. not just bits and parts. there nothing at all with being a nerd. i'm a little e nerd myself i love e reading and we will all be someone's disappointment but when you find that right one you'll be a blessing to them. so just be yourself fully and don't worry about the little stuff smile and live for you and just always know and say to yourself you did your best because in the end thats all you can do because we can't please everyone. =) im always here if you want to chat and you're not weird. you seem to be an amazing guy and anyone who ever had the pleasure to meet you is lucky =) keep your head up and smile =)

im sorry i mean *Bart

*there is nothing at all wrong with being a nerd.. i mean

You see, it's not that I can't find anyone who would want to be with me, but it's just that I never feel enough. I know how hard it is to understand the fact that I'm having a death sentence and for some people it might be overwhelming, but still...And thanks for your words but don't be sorry. I'm totally used to this whole situation and it's not a problem. At all. It's not that I don't understand that...it's just I'm too scared to make someone disappointed with my person.

oh i understand now. well for some people yes that is kind of hard for some people to deal with but all honesty i'd date a guy with cancer or whatever..as long as he treated me right. always feel good enough because they will be someone to come along and be able to handle the whole situation. because honestly that would make me appreciate life so much more that people this days take for granted.but again that goes back to being if they really are interested they would have to just accept all of that.