Good things come to pass :(

Ok this might be long just as a heads up... (If you want you can skip the part of how we met but please do pay attention to the conflict as much as possible) This is one of those "I dont know how the hell it happened it just fucking happend" issues (excuse the the vulgarity if it pops out it's late and i rly cant sleep so im trying am REALLY trying my best to refrain). I knew this girl for about a year now and it wasn't one of those love at first sight things in fact it was rather antogonistic and a little annoying at first. We came to know eachother at a vocational school. In the begining she came off as really cocky and had the audacity to ask to borrow money from me a few times (in which case i neglected on to reasons: 1) I barely new her 2) I was broke) Shortly after her antics kind of grew on as if I were to expect it from her, for example she came into a gamers club event and said that xbox was better than ps3 in front of a whole gang of die hard ps3 players... I was the only one who laughed my ass off while the others looked at her with the nerdy "GASP*... BLASPHEMY!!!" expressions on their faces. From a short time after that I had referred to her as my troll for a little while. right before thanks giving she had broken up with her girlfriend (yeah.... she is bi....) and acted as if it didnt phase her. I, not really caring much at the time knew she had been pulling nothing but a front. No one goes through a break up from a relationship that lasts more than a year while still being forced to see that person everyday and is "completely okay with it". Durring vacation she had friended me on facebook and I decided to pick at her brain since i figured this was a minor character in life i might as well get to know. it went from small talk to openly crying to me on the phone within minutes... i had not only shattered her front but i discovered a person beneath the masks she wears and a fragile one at that. I had realized she really had been crushed over the break up after five years, she had family issues that had been abusive in the past, and never really was accepted socially. Aside from the break up part we seemed to share alot in common though our personalities were from two seperate worlds that all disolved after that moment and we came to mutual understandings. It didnt take long before i knew her inside and out from things as simple as her favorite foods and color to the more cute and wierd things like why she eats popcorn with chop sticks. Though she put on a tough front she wasn't afraid to break down infront of me. i held her in tears a few times because her ex says something as simple as "i hate you" and it shatters her completely. at first i thought "i dont mind being that shoulder for her to lean on" but eventually she grew on me. i had countless nights of arguements with myself saying id be crazy to love someone as unstable as this especially when she is going through that "player mode" where she dates eveyone in front of me then breaks up with them in three months or shorter just to get over her ex. two things went through my head at this point; first off if you can make a relationship last 5 years and then the next ones are less then a few weeks something is either wrong with the people you or dating or you. Secondly i knew right off hand if i let myself go on this one i would go through to most pain i have been in in a while. Eventually our we became more than friends but we weren't together. i didnt know what to call it. most of my other friends ridiculed me for hanging around her because of personality difference and how much i spoiled the fuck out of her. but i didnt care i felt needed and it wasn't like she was asking for it all the time in fact she appologized alot. in a way even she mentioned her self it was like we had known eachother forever and we had been married. i brought back dinner everynight and tried my best to keep her happy but i knew deep down i could never be that replacement. soon we started trading spots as far as emotion was concerned she became more hardened and reckless while my depression had shown more. eventually thats what lead to an arguement between us that was unnecesary because i was trying to reach out to her. a week had past before she actually appologized to me. and thats when i finally told her everything. how i felt regardless of how she acted even though she basically was a player. i knew it rooted from hurt and fear to trust and maybe it would take time to let it subside before she decides to confide in anyone else again. i wouls have taken her as she was. but she told me not to have feelings for her because she would ruin everything for me. there was another week of silence before she wanted to be assured that i would still be in her life. she was affraid that i would abondon her because i got 'friendzoned' blatantly put. so we still remained in contact until one day we had lunch together and drank later that night we both had to much. she puked and had to ride home and i passed out after and ended up in the hospital. because it was a violation of the rules in the vocational school i am in it ruined her chances of going to college, and got me in trouble as well. she told everyone how she blames herself but me though i feel it was more my doing and of course i took most of the wrap for her sake yet she still is a bad liar at hiding it. everyone thinks "she left me there to die" when that really wasn't the case and when she was force out of the school it was a huge celebration while they looked at me as the victim... on her last day i watched her leave while she waited for some friends to leave she came over to me and instead of the usual lesbian like handshake she gave me a hug. since then it's been hard i miss her good morning txts, or her nagging, i miss being able to say i can bring dinner home to someone, hell id give anything just to hear her complain about her ex if that be it. and now she is gone... so close to getting her into college and i fucked it all up... all i get are the same reactions day in and day out "serves her right" "im glad you're alive buddy" as if they are looking at me to be the victim or my favorite (especially towards an athiest) "pray about god always has a way" I really dont know what to do... it's stupid I know but it's not the same now that she's gone... And it's all my fault