Paranoia / jealously

My partner recently relocated to a new area due to work which therefore limits our time together at weekends. She making new friends which is understandable as it is a difficult situation to be in. I recently started to get slightly jealous and concerned why she was constantly messaging a new friend all the time. Meeting up etc... And even the time we spent together it seemed messages were still flowing quite frequent. I raised this issue and we had slight argument then moved on as it was seen as nothing to worry about. We then saw each other for night out with friends etc... and she was still messaging a lot of the night. Next day I raised this with her again saying we haven't seen each other all week you do not need to be texting all night and updating your mate. Her argument is if I get a text I an going to respond. It's not at a point where it is unsocial able but she is stating that in my head it seems constant. And she said she was reluctant to get her phone out to message incase i moaned. But i didnt see why she had to update her friend all night and then message all the next day? have been hurt badly in the past as my ex was constantly texting someone and turned out she was cheating on me with that person. I know I shouldn't pass this onto a new relationship but trust is a big issue for me. I have no reason to doubt her! She never done anything and turns out the constant messaging with this friend is engaged to someone else of 5 years and they just click. I do not doubt that as it is a new friend. However everytime I go home and not see her for a while. I automatically think negative thoughts and she more interested in the friend. I trust her completely but cannot point the reason for my behaviour. I am being an idiot. Its causing arguments as she is getting frustrated for the questions. Of course I understand she will be making new friends and going out whilst I'm not there. But to me it seems constant and maybe due to the attention is on that. But I need to stop this as it is making me and her extremely unhappy! I know I'm wrong and shouldn't be bothered by this as it is a friend and that's it, they get on. In my head I am always thinking if the relationship becomes too close. If things turn flirty or feelings develops. But I keep thinking all negative and she said to me she will never hurt me. She wouldn't be with me if she didn't want to but I have to stop. I'm finding it so hard and struggling to deal with this. The weird thing is this is completely outside my behaviour and I know I am wrong. This is the last chance and need help.

You are not wrong. Your thoughts are reasonable and she is not doing anything to eliminate the cause for your negative thoughts. It takes two to tango and you're in a relationship together with her. To make new friends is fine, but a line need always to be drawn how close you want a new friend to become and whether you want to make this clear from the outset. The danger with meeting new people is the initial chemistry, there is none or there is some and in the latter case you have to set boundaries if you don't want to jeopardize what you already have. And she has you. If you haven't set any boundaries with her she might not know how far she can go and may risk taking her new friendship a bridge too far emotionally. By getting upset after you confront her she is not taking your feelings seriously and the question is whether she feels threatened by you to develop her new friendship on a level you might disapprove off. Trust is key to every relationship. You don't have to be honest all the time, of course it is beautiful if you can be, but once there is a danger trust is tampered with only honesty can provide a remedy. Saying she never wants to hurt you doesn't mean she is being honest with you. Sometimes not telling the truth hurts less. If she is honest and feels comfortable with you she would choose your comfort over someone else's and not get upset if you confront her with her behaviour. If she's in limbo she might end up using you, having the benefits of her secure relationship with you yet enjoying the excitement of secret romance with her new friend. It's only healthy to set boundaries and discuss these with her so she knows what makes you feel uncomfortable and let her tell you what she thinks she finds to be healthy. If you can't find a common ground it may be time to look at the bigger picture. It's ok to have different interests in life, but it is essential for every successful relationship to share the same values with your partner. Good luck!