We have ever been in love, he's now married. IDK what to do. Please help

Hi, first of all, I am new in this forum. I'd like to congratulate the community because of the very wise and mature posts. I have gone trough many posts trying to look for a similar case but couldn't find any. What goes next is extremely long... but PLEASE someone read it and help because nobody else can. My best friend has always been in love with me but we could never be in a relationship for many factors. At first, it was because I was too young for him, I met him when I was just 13 and he was 17 (I was in 11th grade by then, he didn't know my age until like a year later). I was obviously not looking for anything more than a friendship and adopted him as my big brother. I developed a very strong bond with him (will name him W), when I was 15 (graduated from highschool) I felt like I was ready for a relationship (it was going to be the first one) and decided to give it a go. I had the best times of my life, but I still felt like I was too young for having a relationship in an "advance" level. I found out he cheated on me (a one night stand with a canadian girl that was in my homecountry by exchange). He cried, he begged, he explained that he had his "needs" and that he knew he was never going to see her again, and that he didn't want to try to propose me anything that I would be uncomfortable with. I found it very cute and I still think it was true, because I wouldn't have had sex with him at that age (15) and my mentality was not like his that was like 20. I forgave him but I couldn't forget, so after a while I told him I couldn't go on with the relationship because I was never going to feel I was ready (and also because he was very violent - never touched me but did fight with like three guys that showed interest in me) and that I would love to continue being friends with him. At 17 (and after a long time being friends with, like 4 years) I got a boyfriend that is now my fiancee (R). He was great and respectful in every sense. R was perfect, but I still missed W and felt like nothing could fill the void that he left me. At 18, I got a scholarship to study in New York and had to leave but continued with my long distance relationship. After a year, R said he felt lonely and that he couldn't stand being away from me, but he also couldn't come to be with me at that time. I was devastated, I learned to love him and I was alone in a country suffering for him, I stopped eating, got a huge depression, anemia, almost lose my scholarship, and I looked for W that was always my best friend for comfort and advice. (Obviously we were in different countries). He also had a relationship at the moment, and he ended it a couple of weeks later (I think it was because of me). W was great with me as a friend, he was not pushing anything and was like he always was, I felt terrible that I missed his friendship but it had to be that way. I traveled to my homecountry and I met with both W and R. With R things were weird, he had left me but he still acted as if he loved me. I also learned that he was "behaving", but I didn't want to suffer again and he didn't really proposed me to get back together. With W things were amazing, we saw each other a lot. He visited me all the time, he took me out to places, we laughed, we played music together, danced... Perfect. About my last day in the country we made out, we spent the night kissing each other and all. He told me that he had gotten married with a US citizen for the purpose of getting a green card so he can come be with me (He actually paid her money, it was a fake marriage). That was a HUGE shock for me, I explained to him I don't want to be the reason he leaves the country and that I didn't know if we were better off as friends. I also felt bad because I didn't know if I loved him, but I was kind of happy there was a remote chance we could be together. That was back in 2010. When 2011 started to arrive, R was getting very friendly with me, he told me he had a plan of coming to NY to be with me, IF I accepted him (he is actually an american citizen so he didn't need to get married and wait for the green card like W). On the other hand W was there, and I was starting to feel like I should have been with him instead of R, but since we were for many years together, I decided to give R an opportunity to be friends. Just friends. In the summer of 2011 I was very broke, and I really wanted to go to my homecountry to see my family, friends and W. R proposed me to pay for my trip, with no strings attached, he said it was as a friend, also, I was in danger of losing my scholarship and R told me that if needed, he was going to help me finish my career by marrying me and making me a resident in here. That was an offer I really Really needed. I consulted W and he said it was great and that I should take the offer (he had to pay 10K for marrying the woman and he wanted me to be here in NY when he could finally come). I accepted R paying my trip as a loan and I told W I was going to go see him. That's when it all went to hell. Biggest mistake of my life. I agreed with a friend to pick me up at the airport and take me to where W was at, the next day I was going to see R and stay in a hotel he reserved for me (It was always made clear that me staying in a hotel with him didn't mean that we were going to get back together.). I told W that I was going to see him that day but things didn't go as planned. my friend was actually hiding the fact that R was going to pick me up as a surprise. R and W didn't get along, for many reasons including that W made a lot of damage to me, and W didn't like R because of how he broke up with me and because he stole me from him (he is very primitive). So... I couldn't go see W. I couldn't explain him what happened, I told my friend to tell him what happened and all she did (I still don't forgive her that) was to say that R picked me up and that we went to a hotel for the rest of my trip. W was devastated, and violent as he is, he did something VERY stupid. He slept with his "fake" wife and got her pregnated. I always knew she liked him but it was not the other way around, everybody told me so, he even showed me their conversations etc. He didn't bother picking up my calls, probably ignored my emails and didn't talk to me ever again until now. Exactly 9 months after the incident, a baby is born. The funny part is that I didn't get back with R (and nothing happened in that hotel) until after this year, because he moved to NYC and I was alone, I was heartbroken, and I knew he was a good person who didn't really hurt me (broke up with me, but that was it. Didn't cheat, didn't got another woman pregnated, was not violent.). Come on, he left his whole family behind only to get a chance to be with me. He deserved it. But I didn't feel the same. W was in my heart all the time, he had a baby!!! and he is now married for real!!! he lives with his wife in Texas, and his baby!. I could never never get over it. On my birthday (may), he contacted me, he told me that he loved me and gave me his best wishes (he never stopped wishing me happy birthday in the whole 10 years we knew each other). I contacted him back, asked for his baby and his life and he answered back. On his birthday (July) I contacted him and told him how I wished we were at least friends. He told me that he could never be friends with me and that what I did was wrong (even if he now doesnot regret it because he loves his son). I explained everything to him, what happened, I didn't know if it was right to bring the past but I did not want him to think badly of me. He reacted very bad, he called my girlfriend (the one that was supposed to pick me up at the airport) and cried to her over the phone, she told me that I shouldn't have done that because I was now with R and he had a family, I thought it was true but I needed to tell him the truth, that I did not get back with R, that we were not together until after he came. We started speaking again. He drunk texted me many times, I drunk texted him too (but I was always trying to be just friendly.) Now it has gone very far. We told each other we love each other, I can't be with R now, I am with him but I don't want having him around because I am afraid he might find out, I do not want to think of a possibility of being with W although he always brings it up. He really really loves me, he sends me pictures of his child, tells me everything, although it is hurtful when I have to see his wife's pictures on facebook.... I do not want to be with him but he does want to be with me. He told me his life was in pause when he had to come to the US with a wife and raise his child, but that now that he knows what really happened everything makes sense. I still want to be apart but at the same time I would love to continue talking with him, I feel complete when we talk, we know each other too well. (bTW W is VERY Jealous of R, everytime he knows I am with R, he gets all violent and jealous-like. Not even reminding him he has a WIFE calms him down. He doesn't want anybody to even touch me.) W said he wanted to see me and that got me scared.... and that's the reason why I am in this forum. Things went too far I think, and although I am really not cheating on my boyfriend, if I see W and have to lie to my fiancee about it, that would be like cheating. Besides I am very afraid of what W might want to do. I do not want to break a family. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to lose him. I REALLY love him and he also loves me but it can't be and it's killing me! HELP.

Hi Mayka! I read your story and I can say that you have an interesting life! What your lack is, is that you didn't decide as you were 'not ready'. Now you have to confront your own thoughs. Make a decision and go for one of those and if you can't do this make a new life with somebody totaly new. But ofcourse this is what I would do ;)! If you like, let me know your decision... success

Thank you for your answer. The truth is I don't see a life without them in my life. If all of us were single, I think I would have been with W, but he is married now, and even if that marriage started as fake, it got real when they had a baby. When I told him how I felt he wanted to die. He told me he always wanted his first child to be mine. He said that if I am patient enough we can still be together. But I am engaged with R. He wants to marry in January...

Ok, what do you want now? W. puts you in the waitingroom and R. likes to marry you next month! And you both love them... If I was you I would feel myself completely screwed. For example I marry R but with the idea I have one day maybe W would go for me... You never start a good relationship unless you let one go. Or let them both go and find a new life. If you don\'t want, it is up to you but I would not be a happy girl in your shoes. But... that you have a very interesting life that 2 man wants you, yes I can imagine that it might be a great satisfying idea!! I wish good luck and if you want to get coaching, you can google me and find me. JM