Cheating wife

Ive been married for about 6Yrs and less than a month ago I had caught my wife having an affair with one of her friend's husband, according to her, they had met a few time over the past 4-5 months and had never had sex, they met just for drinks and they hadkissed once but it was not even a kiss it was both their lips touch each other and that was it. but the time I caught her she had confessed that they were in a motel and they were just drinking and nothing more than that had happened. I had decided forgive her for the sake of our 2 children and want to make things as they used to be before, but recently she is just not interested in any intimate relation with me, no kissing to sex, nothing. I need to know what could be the facts behind her

There is no easy answer when someone you are committed to... even devoted... cheats. I am very sorry that you are having to go through this. There is a lot more that I need to know before I can give honest insight. But first, I am going to offer some advice . . . 1. There is always a reason. You may not like it or think it is an acceptable reason, but a cheater always cheats for a reason. These are just examples: Sometimes a person will become so caught up in work that they no longer give their partner affection or they neglect to take some time to focus on what drew them to their partner in the first place... so they seek this affection and pleasure seeking outside the relationship. To avoid this, some couples hire a babysitter and maintain a monthly date night for this reason. Sometimes a partner gets caught up in family drama and although they make time for their partner, their partner had to step up and take care of the kids more which left them with little to no time to themself to do the things they enjoy. Sometimes in a situation like this, the person will go out and try to find enjoyable things to do because they are not happy with the necessary, but depressing routine at home that is sucking them of their time and life. We are all human, and when we neglect to take the time to seek pleasure (not much, like an hour yoga class each week or the occasional movie out with the boys)... we become depressed. It is in human nature when depressed and focusing on what needs to be done AND neglecting our own self... that we sometimes blame others for what we are lacking or become unrieasonably angry as a result. The only person that can answer this is your wife. Which brings me to advice # 2 and a question... 2. What is your current state of communication like in the relationship? In order to even have a chance of salvaging a relationship after cheating... communication MUST occur regularly and you guys need to get to where you can communicate without making accusatory statements. 3. You stated that she recently lost interest... is that interest lost JUST the romantic interest alone or has she lost some level of desire to talking as well? What I am getting at: Is she interested in trying to make the relationship work? Sadly, if she is not interested, it most likely won't work out because it takes two. HOWEVER, if she is interested and you try communicating and it either ends in a fight or talking tapers off... try a few sessions in couples counseling. It helped my partner and I after he cheated... but the internal damage had to be cleared between us on our own... through that communication that couples counseling helped us to establish. ------------------------------- Communication is key. You say that you need to know the facts behind her loss of interest and how you find that out is rooted in her reason/s for cheating and how you find out why she cheated is through vital communication and if you are having trouble communicating you may want to see a couselor or mediator and if she is not interested in communicating or working things through then there is nothing you can do. ---------------------- On a final note, do you want to stay in the relationship because you still love her? I hope so, because it might actually be more unfair to the children to stay together for their sake. I would much rather have happy parents that are apart than parents that are together and miserable. Please consider that even if the answer makes you angry.

DEAR SIR, I had this very same problem with my now ex-wife and I am VERY SORRY to report the reason she wont have sez anymore is that in their mind they would be cheating on their new found boyfriend. I am very sorry to hear @ this sir but that is how they feel in their sick n twisted logic. My advice to you is to start detaching RIGHT-NOW!!there is an awesome support group called AL-ANON that u can get in touch with with people with the same problem but with alcohol in the mix....get used to the idea u will never get her heart back and u need to pick up and move on.....I am VERY VERY sorry to have to tell u this.....onejazmin

Hey dude, Life is such that it offers you a mix of everything before you leave the world. So think it as an experience and try to move on. Yes join the group and talk more bad about the relationship and put yourself in more grief. When somrone has made a decision to leave you or cheat you, it means thry have lost interest in you for whatever reason. Dont think she cheated for her selfish reasons. You mist have also been one of the reasons for her to look for something which was missing in her life. Dont play the blame game. Just move on without blaming each other. If you want to be in a relationship again is entirely up to you. But next time for sure you will not make the same mistakes. As i said life is nothing but a learning process. And someone mentioned about councelling. Who the fuck and what the fuck this damn councellor going to do. You know your shortcomings and she hers. Then who is this middle guy. If somrone has made up their mind- no point in telling them or forcing them to reconcile by all this counselling.. Life can never be the same.

No one can answer why she cheated but her. I will say this though. People don't cheat when they are happy in their current relatioship. THat's common sense. The two of you are going to have to talk and get to the real issue. If you want to stay together and you can forgive her, then I commend you for being strong and feeling that what you once had is worth saving. She has to want the same thing,But you must really communicate with each other first and discover the real issues and then work hard to make sure those issues don't arise again. Good Luck to you.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, such circumstances are always difficult, but even harder when young children are involved. You ask what the facts are - and I'm not absolutely sure what it is you are asking, but these are my thoughts ... some of which may be hard to accept:- Firstly, the only person who really knows why she has cheated on you is your wife. Although, maybe things are not black & white and cut & dry in her mind. I don't think her story about only kissing this guy is very plausible - people don't spend money on a motel to just kiss. So I doubt that she is being honest with you, even at this point. Hypocritical as it may seem, I suspect she has switched her "loyalty" to her lover, which is why she no longer wants intimate contact with you. Rather than talk about why people cheat, it might be more constructive to think about why people remain loyal to one relationship. One of the main factors being that they get what they want from being in an exclusive one-to-one relationship. Another major factor being that they have a belief in staying loyal to one relationship, i.e. personal values related to religious, cultural or ethical codes. Personally, I think it's only realistic to expect to be tempted at some point, even in the most loving of relationships. Long-term relationships usually become prone to the stresses and strains of modern living, and most people have to cope with the stresses and the pressures of holding down a job, which can be distracting from family life and draining of energy. Family life can bring great joy and satisfaction, but sometimes people need the stamina of the long-distance runner to keep all the various demands in some kind of balance. Which can be wearing, and take a toll on the best of relationships. When a new outside influence comes along in the form of temptation, there is a risk that people will cross boundaries and end up betraying the loyalty that they promised to their spouse. Some people find that an affair brings a great deal of excitement and a sense of being young again (not an excuse, just an explanation of what might help to explain your wife's actions). The thrill of an affair makes it very hard for a long-term relationship to compete, i.e. the relationship with the lover doesn't have the same pressures as the relationship at home. Apart from the attractions of the new lover, an affair can be like a “holiday” away from all the drudgery that comes along with the joys of family life. The secrecy of an affair can be part of the excitement, and I also believe it can be part of the dual reality that some people seem to experience. I use the term "dual reality" because I think many people split their world in two (psychologically and socially) when having an affair, and this allows them to deny the effects on others, and also what the eventual cost may be to them. At home they have the security that has become part of their daily life, and quite possibly a person that they love, but perhaps without being as: "in love with", as they once were. Setting aside the personal attraction to a third-party for a moment, the experience of having an affair may give them the best of two worlds, i.e. they can act as if single again and experience the "honeymoon effect" of a romantic relationship, and feeling young again, while also having the many benefits of family life at home. For a lot of people the affair is like a drug that they can't resist, but while not being able to give it up, they also feel guilty about betraying not only their spouse, but also their own personal code of values around staying loyal in one exclusive relationship. In my experience, people often manage the sense of guilt they have by way of psychological denial, and or "fatalistic thinking", e.g. they say things like: " I never meant this to happen, it just happened!" The reality being that although they may have in some ways been set up by the circumstances of their situation to fall victim to temptation, they have made crucial decisions along the way that has made the current relationship with a third-party possible. Most people will also have put a great deal of thought and effort into covering up their affair, so saying that they were: "caught up on some prevailing wind of fate in a moment of time" is not very convincing. The business of covering up an affair means that people become even more embroiled in lies and in deceiving their partner at home. The lies they tell at home may be readily accepted as "true" by spouses who are desperate to avoid the various clues they keep finding that suggest their partner is betraying them. One of the mental tortures for people who are cheated on can be the convoluted mental process they go through in trying to convince themselves that their partner is not cheating on them. Which in itself can be seen as a form of psychological denial. Recognising that your partner is cheating on you can trigger anger and other emotions towards the cheating partner that some people feel extremely uncomfortable with. It can also launch some people into doubt about the general value of themselves, and their lives in general. The most commonly used phase is "I feel devastated". Awareness and recognition of an affair can turn people's lives upside down, inside and out, i.e. socially and emotionally. Some people say that they get a sense of relief, because despite the pain that comes with confirmation and recognition of the affair, at least the mental torture of suspicion while not knowing for sure has come to an end. It's not unusual to hear people say that they feared for their own sanity when struggling to deny what was staring them in the face, but was being unequivocally denied by their partner. This brings me to what I see as the being the biggest problem for you, and anyone else who has been betrayed, and that is TRUST. You may want to forgive, but how will you regain trust in your wife? Or to put the question in a more realistic way: 'How can your wife regain your trust?' Assuming of course that she wants to carry on with the marriage. I can understand you wanting to keep the family together for the sake of the children, also, if you do separate and a custody/ residence battle follows in the Courts, the law (or rather the people who administer it) often discriminates in favour of mothers, and fathers can lose out on contact with their children. It can also be very hard to see another man acting as father to your children. My advice to you, as a first step, is to do all that you can to get to the truth of the matter. Don't be tempted to accept false assurances, even though it may feel like the easiest option because you don't really want to hear the full story. You don't need graphic details, just whether the affair is on-going. I think you need to know what continuing with the marriage entails, which means getting some honest replies from your wife. If I was you, (assuming you haven't already) I would definitely speak to a lawyer specialising in Family Law to check out how things will stand if she decides to end your relationship, i.e. living under the same roof, and how that might effect your contact with your children. If you have any thoughts of moving out of the family home, check with a lawyer first, not to do so could have a profound effect on the legal side of any break-up. Don't accept verbal reassurances from your wife about contact with your children, get everything in writing, and get it confirmed by a lawyer. If she sets up home with her lover, then he may have a considerable influence over ongoing arrangements re your children, not directly, but by influencing her. One of the most frequent reasons for unwanted changes in contact arrangements between children and absent fathers is because of influences by the new live-in partner. If your wife wants to carry on with the marriage on terms you can both accept, then seeing a marriage/ relationship counsellor might help with working things out. What you need from your wife right now is the truth, and the whole truth, about her relationship with this other man – painful as that may be for you, it will give you best chance of working out a way forward, with her, or apart from her. Also, don’t think about trying to get back to the way things were, if you are both committed to moving on from this, then changes will probably be required on both sides. Good luck! Sky