Don't know what is wrong with me...

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years. I have broken up with him numerus times for things such as having a girlfriend on the side, who he says was no longer his girlfriend (after we had been dating x 1 year I saw an email from her asking him why her phone bill was not paid... so I contacted her and she told me they had been together for 3 years but she lived out of the state currently). I took him back... About a year later he was living with me and not helping me pay any bills because I was the one working while he was still in school. I was trying to be supportive. I saw on his facebook account numerus good morning posts and other flirting inbox messages sent from him to girls on facebook. I confronted him and he was mad for me snooping again and promised he was not guilty. Meanwhile.. he doesn't allow me to be on facebook and I am not listed as his gf on his account... I make up after i knew better because I'm trying to give him the benefit. I am a hard working, successful, and pretty women. I am also a single mother... he was always good with my son. Soon after the facebook stuff, he started being mean and very controlling to me. He choked me till I almost passed out and I broke up with him again. I had bruises all over my arms from him holding me down with my face in the carpet. My lip was blue from him plucking my lip with his fingers over and over when i talked disrespectful to him... so he was saying... I grew up watching my mother being physically abused by my stepfather. I was scared because I didn't want my son to see anything like that... he did not see me getting hurt but was upstairs when I thought I was going to die. I escaped my house ran barefoot outside with my son in my arms and jumped in a car that I didn't know becaused he was chasing me.. He was telling me I wasn't going to live that night..I went to my mother's house and told her the whole story. My family does not like him because of this. I ended up getting back with him about 1 week later because he said he was so sorry and was under stress and would never do it again.. I know better... I'm embarrased to say this but I'm a sexual assault nurse examiner and have extensive training in abuse and cycles of abuse. Since this, he never put his hands on me again.. I stayed with him another 9 mos... Meanwhile, I am working fulltime, going to school fulltime and raising my son by myself and still paying all of the bills... He has some money coming in and I beg him to help me and he refuses but still lives with me. One night after I had been working for 15 shifts in a row he wakes me up at 1 am then at 4 am, when i had to be up for work again at 6, and made me give him a massage by taking my blanket and not allowing me to sleep until he got his massage... I was crying and told him I couldn't live like this and needed him to be nicer to me and help me more.. He laughed, told me he didn't give a f** and when my son came in the room and saw me crying at 5 am I realized it was time to leave. That morning at 6 am, I secretly packed a few bags and did not return to my house that I paid for. I continued to pay the lease for the remaining 2 months and stayed with my mom because he refused to get out. I stayed away for 3 months... I left my home and moved all of his stuff out because he never did it... Now.. for the last 2 weeks I've been secretly seeing him again... I am so in love with him.. He says he is so far in love with me and texted me daily when I left him saying he was sorry.. He promises me we will go to couseling, and he will help me more... I don't wanna be a fool, but when we are having good times they are so good and he is the only father figure my son has ever known... I know he has made some terrible mistakes in the past.... He is stressed about his life, i know... I have a graduate degree will soon be making near 100 K yearly and he hasnt finished his bachelors yet.. but I know he will be successful when he does... My family and friends hate him... my son loves him and I love him... but im scared and i dont wanna be a fool... I need help and advice please

I think you need a lot more help than is available on the Internet, but then you are the one who needs to realise that, and ask for the right kind of specialist help. It can be hard for people involved in the helping and support professions to admit that they need help themselves, and maybe that's one psychological hurdle you need to overcome. I expect you know ‘chapter and verse’ re just how bad this situation is for you, and for your son, i.e. this guy is a bully and an abuser, and you are putting your son at risk of becoming that way himself if your lover becomes a role model for him. If you were in the UK and Social Services became aware of your failure to protect your son from this kind of abuse, your son would be removed from your care for his own protection. I have worked with violent men and with domestic abuse, and I know only too well that it can be just as hard to get through to the victims of abuse as it can to get through to the abuser. 'Love' does sometimes blind people to commonsense, but I think abuse victims who keep going back for more are best seen as if they have an addiction that opens them up to self-harm. The psychological process is very similar to that of an alcoholic or a drug addict, i.e. they have a duality of awareness re the joy and the harm that their addiction causes. It's like two channels of consciousness that clash, but don't become connected and integrated enough to enable a decision to be made to stop, or to carry on. Most addicts know only too well what they should do, but they can't bring themselves to the point of making a decision to walk away from that which draws them in. But at the same time, it wouldn't be fair to say that they choose to abuse themselves, the reality is that they exist in a state of indecision, or they think they will address their addiction "tomorrow" - but as we all know, "tomorrow' never comes. If "tomorrow' should ever turn into 'today', then that can be the first day of their recovery. The paradoxical first step for an addict is for them to admit that they have little control over their actions in relation to the patterns of behaviour that make them vulnerable to self-abuse. The demon is not the booze in the bottle, or the crack in their back pocket, the demon exists within them. The "demon' being a metaphor for their lack of self-control and abdication of responsibility. I think the metaphor of the demon is what you have in common with an addict, i.e. you know what is right and wrong, and what you should do, but you feel unable to do it? What I know from many years of experience is that you can’t save people from themselves. Your son could be saved from being exposed to the ugly and sick aspects of abuse by being removed from your care, but then abusers and their victims are often very good at covering up the offending behaviour. Think about why you love someone who has done the things you describe above, and ask yourself whether what you feel is really love. If your best friend had written what you have posted, would you say: “Oh well I know what it’s like when you are in love, and I can understand why you want to get back with him!” Also, if you were to take such a view, what would you say about the risks to her son’s development? If your friend came to you with this story, would you accept that “love” was the right word to describe what was drawing her back to this man? “Love” can have an obsessional side to it, so maybe you would think that she is somewhat obsessed with the abusive man she wants to return to? Possibly being in denial of his dark side and abusive ways? Maybe you would think that she lacks self-esteem, and consider whether her lack of self-worth means that she doesn’t value herself enough to walk away from the abuser? But then what about her son – how would you explain her decision to put him at risk – or at least failure to protect him? How would you make sense of it all, and what solutions would you suggest? I am very aware that what I have written is very dispassionate, but I do have sympathy for you and your son. What you describe is a very common pattern, i.e. in the early days friends and relatives are very sympathetic and protective, but it’s not unusual to see attitudes change when victims return to the side of the abuser. The more times a victim returns to the abuser, the less sympathy tends to be around. Sometimes in anger people will say that the abuser is: “asking for it” – but then I don’t believe anyone wants to be abused, Abusers are often sorry afterwards, and may be full of contrition and make promises to change their ways. However, even if they mean it at the time, the abuser is likely to be in denial of what it will take to make lasting changes in their behaviour. Even so, their victims can seem convinced by their promises to change, perhaps because they get drawn into the process of denial, or perhaps because they will clutch at any straw that appears to offer the hope of change. But then, I’m probably telling you things you already know only too well… I hope for your own sake, and for your son’s welfare, that you will get some help with making a permanent break from this guy, and be able avoid similar relationships in the future. Forget about trying to help him – help yourself.

Hi there, Just a short message to let you know that Skywalker's post has been manually re-submitted (see above) following the technical error noted. Regards, Richard (Admin)

Thank you!