Have I really lost her for good this time?

*note we are both relatively young, she 2 years younger than I* my ex-girlfriend and I have been off and on for a few months, we have split a total of four times. I will fully admit to being a shit boyfriend! I have hurt her, played with her, lied to her, and I know I do not deserve her. But I absolutely with every piece of my being love her! When we started dating it was like I had known her my entire life, I was so comfortable around her! After a month being my stupid self acting just as my father, I left her. I was only seeing what she and I had sexually! I had taken for granted all that we were! And within a couple weeks the painful truth set in, I missed her, and I needed her back! So she gave me a second chance, and I blew it! I was just a shitty boyfriend, and she told me she was tired of my games, she was not my toy, she left.... after two weeks we tried to be friends, ended up as Friends with benefits, but it became more, became complicated and she said she felt trapped... she cut off communication, but it was obvious she didn't want that any more than I did... 3 weeks past... and Christmas was here, by some chance an old text I had sent her that she never received finally made it to her phone, she texted me confused, I told her I was as lost as she was, but I had been thinking about her a lot, in fact I never stopped... she and I went out and we were back together, things were different this time (in a good way!) and they would have stayed that was had i not messed it up again... she found out about something i had done over video chat with some girl not long after we were back together, cheating is in her book the WORST thing you can do to someone.... but this amazing, perfect, brokenhearted, girl forgave me. She was torn to pieces, but she loved me and forgave me, she told me to be honest and to fess up to anything else I had done... because if she did find out about something else, I would never hear from her again.... I guess I didn't take her seriously.... because I didn't tell her about my texting, sexting, & video chatting with my whorish ex who cheated on me when we were together.... why? I have no idea. Why would i hurt such an amazing girl? but i did and she found out via my email pictures... dated after she and I started dating.... it's been a month and i haven't heard one thing from her.... i see her a lot.

I'm a great believer in the saying: "Actions speak louder than words!" and I think your actions betray your real thinking and attitude towards relationships. Your behaviour towards your ex can be seen as emotionally abusive, and I hope your ex doesn't come back for more. You need to stop talking about yourself as if you are in the third person with little control over your behaviour and start taking responsibility for your actions. You suggest you are doing what your father did/does, which could be a useful insight into the need to change your ways, or it can be used as an excuse by you to act badly towards other people. At the moment I get the impression that it's the latter. If you think that you are following in your father's footsteps due to learned behaviour, or some unconscious process, then go see a therapist. I suspect that you lack the ability to appreciate how your behaviour causes the people you hurt to feel, i.e. you lack emotional empathy with the people you treat so badly. If you are young, then some people may give you the benefit of the doubt for a while, but as you get older, so you will become known as someone to avoid. At the moment I think you are content to wear the T-shirt and talk about what a "big shit" you can be. Your post shows that you have sold your gf a load of BS time and time again so that you can get another crack at betraying her trust in you, however, I don't get the impression that you have any real regret over the pain you have caused her, rather that you are missing her and feeling somewhat sorry for yourself because she doesn't want to know any more. You refer to another ex as a "whore", who you have been messing around with behind your latest ex's back. Your ex ex sounds like a good match for you, so why don't you get back with her and get a couple of T-shirts printed? Until you grow up enough to take responsibility for your actions, do anyone you like a favour and stay away from them. Unfortunately, some people do age without ever developing empathy for other people, I just hope that you are not one of those.