Relationship stress

Me and my partner have been together a while now and were due to get married next month but the problem is that he's so lazy!! He makes no effort with me or our 2 month old son!! I do night feeds all by myself, I also have to get up in the morning and do everything by myself, I try to wake him up to help me n he just goes back to sleep and if I get upset over it he starts shouting at me like its all my fault!! On top of coping with our son by myself I have to clean all the house by myself, his only job is to wash up and I have to nag and nag for him to do it! I am not a messy person and it drives me mad that he takes days to do it! In the end I have to do it myself!! On top of all that I have to make sure he brushes his teeth daily because if I don't he won't do it! And honestly I can't remember the last time he had a shower!!! And that obviously makes me not want to be intimate with him. He's losing all of his friends because he talks to them like crap!! He talks to me and his family like crap and expects everyone to be ok every time he says sorry but sorry is starting to mean nothing to anyone when he just does it over and over again!!! He doesn't look for work because he's too lazy and yet all day he complains about being tired and I can't see how he can possibly be tired because he's in bed all day and has a full night sleep too!! He then expects to have a baby free night so he can play on his ps3 when he doesn't even do anything with his son all day! It's beginning to take its toll on me and I don't think I can cope with him any more!! I'm starting to get really depressed because he treats me so unfairly and when I do say something he either has a go at me or says sorry and he's gonna change and then let's me down within hours!!! Help me!! I don't know what to do any more!!! :(

Has he always been like this? If he's drifted into being this way recently it could be that he's depressed - the tiredness, lack of motivation, low-self-care, and irritability, are all classic symptoms of depression. But then it could also be that he's just a bit of a slob by nature. In which case, I think you have a real challenge on your hands. If his behaviour is due to depression, then there is hope if he seeks treatment. Sky

Well I have spoken to his mum about this and she's told me he has always been very angry, he has lost all of his friends in the past because of it and has punched holes in his mums walls and doors. But his mum and brother both think its everyone's fault as they are too soft on him so he thinks he can get away with everything. His room when he lived with his mum was a state but I told him if he moved into my place it would have to be kept clean and if any holes go in my doors or walls he's got to get out. He hasn't damaged my property but he started keeping my house clean and then it just stopped! It causes arguments because I don't have to pick up his stuff and clean for him I'm not his slave. Even when I was heavily pregnant he would sit down and watch me struggle to clean by myself. It got so bad at one point I had to call his mum for help and she helped me clean up to shame him. It worked for about a week. I want him to get up out of bed and at least look for a job at least that way if he was working full time I wouldn't mind doing it all. But he won't even wake up in the mornings. It's always been a struggle but now he's a dad and going to be a husband I thought he would step up to his responsibilities and grow up and stop expecting me to mother him!! I'm even more worried that I'm going to get my son taken off me if the house is a pig sty because my health visitor already told him he had to step up after I gave birth because I couldn't walk for a month due to stitches!! I'm lost but we can't start a marriage like this! But I don't want to keep saying something to him because I get screamed and shouted at and told to f**k off in my own home!! :( feeling really down about the situation and I need some sort of help some kind of way I can make him see what he's doing to me! Not even to me but our son won't even go to him because he shouts all the time. Our son is scared of him and I feel on edge whenever he's in a bad mood. This can't be how I live my life!! :( also I was in a violent relationship before him and he knows how easily scared I get but that doesn't stop him screaming at me! :(

Sounds as if he's just grown up as a bad tempered slob. Think very hard about marrying this guy. I think you would be well advised to put off getting married until he has shown evidence of changing his ways Good luck - I really think you are going to need it.

I know I have taken my engagement ring off a few times now and thought about just throwing him out but I do love him. He knows how miserable I am and he knows its down to his lack of effort but doesn't seem to do anything about it. Just really want a change. I want him to realise what he has and to appreciate me but I guess that's not going to happen. Thanks for taking your time to reply and listen to me. Really needed to get everything off my chest before I go crazy!! X

It sounds as if you need someone to talk to without someone telling you what to do. If you are in the UK, try Relate or Marriage Care (you don't need to be married). Google will find their websites. Don't be put off by the mention of fees, as they will probably make allowances if money is tight, and it will be in the strictest confidence, your partner need not know. He's been used to his own family giving in to him, so unless you lay down some rules, and stick to them, he'll do the same with you. Call it 'tough love' or 'survival tactics', whatever, if you carry on as you are you'll probably just get more and more depressed. Take care of yourself - your son needs you to do that, so don't put up with it on your own, get some support. Sky

the typical pattern for marriages is that they start out in bliss and then degrade from there. some marriages evolve into stable, rewarding, lifelong relationships. many don't. if the situation is this bad and you are not even married yet, you shouldn't expect it to get get better. reason and experience suggests it will only get worse. you can let this situation consume you, drain you, and use you up for years to come, or you can take yourself out of this unhealthy situation now. the writing is on the wall. up to you.

I appreciate what everyone is saying and after the incident last night where he screamed in my face & threw things at me, I kicked him out and told him he can't come back unless things change and he seeks help for his anger!! Today he went to the doctors and is now waiting for acceptance for an anger management programme and I am now waiting for councilling sessions to begin. Thank u for everyone's support xx

That's great news - sounds like you are getting on track again. ATB Sky