Confused by baby daddy

I chose to keep my son after my significant other said he didn't want me to because we needed more time to work on us and he's saying that i have punished him for a lifetime. Now he wants me to get back with him but wants me to feel the pain that he felt and will always feel knowing our son wasn't planned and he didn't want him. I love him with all my heart and want to be with him but I'm not sure that that is the best for us. He's saying all I have to do is lie to everyone we know for the rest of our lives saying that our son isn't his. He wants to adopt him over taking on the Real Parental responsibilities. Im not sure on what to do with this situation. Please help me figure out what I should do.

How old is this guy? He sounds as if he's immature and self-centred. If he's the child's father he doesn't need to adopt him. if you are in the UK and his name is on the birth certificate, then he has Parental Responsibility already. If his name is not on the birth certificate, then he can fill out a form, get you to sign it, and obtain PR that way. The help desk at the Family Court will advise on the paperwork. He needs to sort his head out and get his priorities right - being a parent means putting your child's welfare before this kind of nonsense. Tell him to grow up and act like a man and own his son. He should be proud of his son, not putting his own pride and selfish interests first. I hope you will put your son's welfare before this weird plan and make it plain that you want things done honestly and in the right way for you and your child. Relate would help with this if he is willing to go.

he is 20 years old and he says that he is being mature because when i got pregnant he didn't want him at all and wanted me to abort. i chose to keep which he said was selfish on my part because he wasn't ready for another child. And he isn't on the birth certificate and doesn't want to be. and when i tell him i want everything to be open and honest with everyone instead of based on lies he says that i lied to him for 2 years saying i loved him when i didn't because if i did i would have aborted for him, so the lies are already there. i even tried explaining to him that just because there may have been lies in the past as he put it doesn't mean we should raise our child on a lie and lying to everyone we know. two wrongs don't make a right and he's saying that if we don't lie to everyone that we can't be together. i love him to death and want to be with him but i need to find a way to make him realize lying isn't the answer to the problem we are facing but i have no clue how to get him to realize that.

His thinking is distorted and he's not taking any responsibility for his role in you becoming pregnant. Your son may not have been planned (which is often the case in many conceptions) and although abortion may have been an option to consider, you decided not to go that route. Which has no bearing on whether you love the father, or not. Based on what you have posted, I don't see that anything has been turned into a lie. You have done what you believed to be the right thing to do, it wasn't what he wanted, but that doesn't mean you don't love him. To insist that you would have had an abortion if you loved him is a form of emotional blackmail, and to suggest that your decision to keep the baby made a lie of your love for him is rubbish. He needs to get his head around the fact that loving someone doesn't mean doing everything they ask of you, particularly over something as important as this. If he insisted that you jump off the top of a six storey building to prove your love for him, and you refused, would that mean that you were lying about loving him? Of course it wouldn't. What about the fact that if he loves you he wouldn't be trying to use such twisted logic to get you to do things against your better judgement? Please don't get bullied into doing this - if he loves you then he needs to start thinking about your happiness and emotional welfare. He also needs to start thinking like a father, and not like a vindictive child who wants to punish you for not going along with what he wanted. Your son is a human being, and although he may not have been planned, to regard the child as a mistake that should have been rubbed out is horrible, and shows no love, or compassion, for the child. Fathering a child is easy, acting as a parent is not. Your child's early history is part of his identity. Millions of children are born without being planned births, so what, such is life. The important issue is that children feel wanted by their parents when they do arrive. To be disowned by a parent can scar someone psychologically for life. What your bf is suggesting is morally wrong, and if you fill out adoption papers with false information both of you will be putting yourself on the wrong side of the law. You sound like a loving mother, and I get the impression that you know what the right thing to do is, even though you may be somewhat confused because of the pressure your bf is trying to bring to bear on you. Hard as it may be for you, if it comes down to who you put first here, I think it has to be your son. Stick out for what you know to be the right course of action. You can't change the fact that this guy is the baby's father anymore than he can. Your son has a right to know his father, but your son's father has no right whatsoever to insist on this bizarre arrangement. By doing so he is showing that he is not capable of being a responsible parent at the present time. Hopefully he can turn that around if given the chance, but not on his terms. You are the parent in the eyes of the law, and the law puts the baby's best interest as paramount. Because your bf is not on the birth certificate, he has no legal standing as a parent in law. Consequently, you have all the authority necessary to be able to do the right thing by your son, and I get the feeling that you have enough maturity to take the hard decisions that may be required of you, i.e. standing up for what is right for your son. If your bf loves you he will stick around, even if things are not on his terms. My advice is for you to let your bf have regular contact with his son, but for the time being, only with you present, or with someone else present who you trust to be responsible. He needs to decide whether he is going to accept your son, and start acting like a caring parent. I am wondering if there is more to his bizarre thinking, e.g. perhaps he has family, or/and religious issues, causing him pressure over becoming a father when he did? Even if there is pressure on him, it can't possibly justify what he is suggesting. If either of you feel the need for support, advice, and counselling with this matter, there is Relate and Marriage Care in the UK (you don't need to be married) - google will find their websites. They normally charge a fee, but if money is short they will probably find a way around it. If I can help with information about the Children Act, or the Family Court, I will do my best to help, so don't hesitate to post again if the need arises. Stay strong and have a think about getting some support, you can go to Relate or Marriage Care on your own, or with him if he's willing. If he gets some help to sort out the emotional aspect of getting you pregnant, maybe his thinking will straighten up and he can start acting like a responsible father. Sky

He doesn't love either of us. So I told him to just go and I don't know what to do about a father for my son now but he sure as hell doesn't need that lame dude sorry excuse for a man in his life to tell him hes a mistake and not worth nothing like he been telling me for a few days now. Its freaking ridiculous how he acts. I should have known he was a childish vindictive asshole the whole time i knew him but i don't regret meeting him because my precious son wouldn't be here and i wouldn't trade him for the world.

You sound a great mum, who knows what is best for you and your little one. My guess is that you haven't seen the last of your baby's father, I reckon he'll be back. But hopefully having had a rethink about his attitude and his responsibilities. If he does show up again with a change of attitude, tell him what the options are if he agrees to your rules (your way of doing things). Make it clear that you don't intend to take any crap from him. He is your son's father, and that can't be changed, so if he's willing to stop being a jerk and act like an adult who has fathered a child, then maybe you can give him a chance to prove that he can start taking some level of positive role in his son's life. Even if it's only for a visit once a week. At the end of the day, it comes down to what you feel is best for you and your son, so make sure you stay in control. If you think he might be willing and able to work at changing his ways, then maybe give him a chance to prove it, but be careful of promises he might not intend to keep - the safest way will be one step at a time, i.e. so that you can see the evidence of genuine commitment. You know this guy and I don't, so only you can decide whether this guy has the potential to treat you right if you give him time to grow up. If you don't think he's ever going to treat you right, then maybe the best thing will be to keep the relationship between you and him to co-parenting, i.e. contact between him and your son. But if you think there could be any risk to your son, then you will need to get some local advice on whether contact is appropriate. You sound like a loving person with a good heart, and there is someone out there for you. Make sure they deserve you and treat you right. I get the impression that you might sometimes be tempted to settle for less than you deserve? I hope things go well for you. Sky

I don't know if he is going to come back around or not but I do know that he has the potential to treat me right. He never did me wrong until now. I just don't know if him teaching my son that its ok to walk out a women if you get her pregnant if you told her you didn't want it and she didn't listen.... Thats just not right and I don't want my son being that type of man. I like to think I have a good heart myself but he doesn't seem to think I have that kind of heart. But it's ok. And I have had a lot of people tell me that I settle for less than I deserve but I don't see myself as the best person in the world so I don't judge people. But thank you so much for all your advice. I really appreciate it and it has helped me come to terms with the fact that he isn't going to be in my sons life. Thank you.