Why won't he man up

My boyfriend and I have conflict usually when he has said or done something that hurts my feelings and/or devalues me. When I express my hurt in a calm and loving way he flies into a rage, says malicious things, and runs away from the conversation and me. Later he behaves as though nothing happened, tells me he loves me and that I mean the world to him, becomes loving and even helpful. I am still hurt because nothing got resolved. The next time is happens he exhibits the same behavior. Why can't he deal with his own behavior.

I'm going through the same thing and I'm so hurt at the moment! I sometimes wish he would change for me but I'm holding on because I love him...I honestly don't know what to do...the one thing I did do Is distanced myself from him i left my phone off for five days so far and I didn't see him at all, I'm not sure what will happen I just hope he will man up and try to make things right

I'm in the same position too. I hold on too, thinking he'll change, but it never does. If I'm upset about the littlest thing and I bring it up in a nice way, I'm called every ugly name under the sun and after that comes 'I don't want to talk about it' phrase, and then silence for about an hour between us, and then nice calm voices about another subject, like 'hun have you watched this?' and I'm left with confusion and head full of unanswered questions and thoughts! I hate it. Hot/cold nonsense is what it is, and sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy because of it. I really thought it was just me that has to put up with this kind of stupid behaviour.

This kind of behaviour is very common in domestic abuse. The trigger is often an emotional issue that causes anxiety, but the reaction is a learned response that is known as: 'instrumental aggression'. Quite often it can be traced back to childhood or adolescence and develops because the individual finds that when they flare up people tend to shut up, and so it becomes a way of controlling the behaviour of others (hence the term instrumental). If you are able to discuss such angry outbursts when things are calm and good between you, then maybe he can come to recognise the pattern and make some effort to change it. In order to change, people have to want to, so that's the first essential step. Noticing the pattern and identifying triggers is the next step. Followed by analysing the triggers - start with: 'what is said by you', and 'what is heard by him' (which may be two different things). However, the reaction is inappropriate, so even if you iron out any confusion over what is being communicated, the reason for the angry response still needs to be brought out into the open. One way of doing that for him could be to complete a sentence that starts with: "When I hear you say xxx & xxx, I feel XXX & XXX. Even if he is hearing more or less what you have said, it may be that your point is being greatly amplified within his perception of it, e.g. what has been quietly said, might sound as if it's been shouted when he hears it (speaking metaphorically that is). An example might be that you say: "I feel hurt when you say xxx", and he construes it as an allegation that you are accusing him of: "beating you up emotionally". Your message is received more or less as it was intended, but it gets AMPLIFIED by him upon reception. Another kind of trigger can be based on DISTORTION of the message. For example, you might say: "When you do xxx I feel xxx, and he hears: "When you do xxx I feel like breaking up with you!" A feeling of insecurity can often be the flip-side of anger. Logically, repeatedly responding with anger is likely to damage the relationship and bring about the very circumstance that is feared, (self-fulfilling prophesy) but when the behaviour is fuelled by strong emotion, the reaction may not be a rational one. If a pattern of: Insecurity > Angry response > Damage to the relationship sets in, and things start spiralling downwards, then the relationship can rapidly become abusive and dangerous. Aggressive, but non-violent behaviour, can damage the other partner's self-confidence, self-image, and self-esteem, plus, such behaviour may suddenly develop into violence if a (not uncommon) sense of persecution becomes part of the perpetrator's perception, e.g. they feel they are being intentionally wound up by the other party, or generally "got at" in some way. Any sense of paranoia, or persecution needs to be regarded as a flashing red light, and if the partner feels unsafe in the person's company then they should take steps to keep themselves safe. Anger as a strong emotion is not necessarily something to fear, i.e. sometimes anger is just a natural response to events, or a release of pent-up emotion. But if anger is being used intentionally, or unintentionally, to control the behaviour of others, then it becomes dysfunctional and potentially dangerous. The more angry someone becomes, the less effective becomes their higher brain, and so the sophistication of their thinking will fall, as this happens, so the lower brain will set the body up for fight or flight. One of the best ways to bring someone down when they are really losing it is to stop any behaviour on your part that might be provoking the anger, while saying that you can see how angry they are, and if their anger is frightening you, then to say that too. People who are angry often don't realise how angry they are, or how they are coming over to other people. Hearing it from someone else can come as quite a surprise to them, and might be enough to tip them into 'wind down' mode. Put your own safety first, and set aside the battle in that cause. See it as maintaining control, and a temporary truce, rather than losing the fight. People who get lost in their own anger often feel unsafe and out of control, and if you can maintain control and bring them down to a safe level it can be beneficial to them. But most importantly, doing so keeps you safe as well. If they are then able to reflect on their behaviour with a will and some commitment to changing it, then there might be some hope. The word 'sorry' is never enough, they need to demonstrate being sorry by getting some help to change their ways. If they refuse to follow through with getting some help, then don't expect them to change, and make keeping yourself safe the first priority. Sky