Horrible inlaws!

This is a long story so I will try and trim it down. My husband and I have been together for 6 years, married for 4. About 3 years ago we fell on hard times and moved into a crappy little renthouse my inlaws own. It hadn't been lived in for 15 years or so and needed alot of work but we were thankful just to have a roof over our heads. Unfortunately we lived in the middle of his family. The street went like this: his parents home, his brothers home, our house, then his sisters house. This wasnt aterrible problem until tthe last year we were there. I always disliked his sister just one of those people you immediately get a bad vibe from. One day when drama was on high his mom and sis got into it and everyone was mad at the sister. My husband tells me as best he can that the sister molested him oncw when he was 6 yrs old. It took a little over a year to actually get the whole story from him. He feels very guilty and ashamed though he was just a child when she was about 17 yrs old. That was the last straw I wanted nothing to do with her, just avoided her at all costs. However this made his mom want to shove the sister down our throats. We not once had a conversation where we didnt hear how wonderful "sister" is. During this time sister supposedly sells home and moves away due to all the problems. This makes the mil give in and apologize so they make up when sister moves.Then the holidays roll around and my MIL decides since she knows we didnt like her she would not tell us sister was coming for dinner and just let it be a surprise. This is when my husband and I make it clear to his mom we dont like sister. We have our reasons we just ask she respect that. Nothing changes the sister somehow buys her home back a year after selling it. (I found the home online RENTED not sold one of her long lists of lies) and mil decides to start telling sister all of our financial business. Everything comes to a head while my husband is gone to work. After them badgering why dont yall like sister, we cant know unless you tell us. So I blurted out ask her, ask what she did to him when he was 6. What she did that he has night terrors to this day. Mil tells me ive destroyed the family and blah blah blah. So we moved a week later. My biggest problem with this whole story is that his parents supposedly didn't know about the abuse. But after the argument he comes home doesnt work for 3 days his parents didnt call him or come talk to him. Didnt ask if I was crazy and making it all up or nothing! So here we are now 5 months later and wveryone even my husband has decided to just sweep it under the rug. His parents still associate with the sister like nothing happened. Brother lets sister keep toddler. I dont want to tell my husband he cant see his parents, but I know for a fact when we have children they are not going to be allowed over there since they all act like we made it all up. So now do I want to have children? Husband cant disown parents and I dont want to force him to do that but I will not put any child of mine in a high risk situation like that? I wish my husband could see how terrible his parents are but even after all that and them stealing money from us and his siblings...he still cant see it! Idk what I should do, should I just continue to not see them and let him have a relationship? I just feel that's slowly driving a wedge between us...I am alot happier since we have moved and he doesnt talk to them as much. Alot less drama and negativity!

I think you need to take a step back from the situation you describe, and work out what is important to you, and then to be realistic about what you can change, and what you will have to live with. Based on what you said, it sounds as if you see a life with your husband, and that you want to have children by him? You seem to see his parents as the in-laws from hell, but then there's nothing particularly unusual about that, except for the fact that you have grounds for not trusting them when it comes to contact with any children that you have. Based on what you have posted, it seems that your sister in-law should not be trusted with any contact with your children unless there is a trustworthy adult present. Further to that, although his parents don't sound like a direct threat to children, it seems that they cannot be trusted to protect the children, e.g. if your children were on a visit to GrdPs and SIL turned up, they might not show adequate caution. So it would seem that any contact arranged between GrdPs and your children should be supervised by you, or someone you trust. As you have acknowledged, you can't insist that your husband disowns his parents, and despite the past, they are his parents and it sounds as if he's suffered enough ill fortune already without allowing it to completely destroy the family relationships that he has. You say that the abuse has been 'swept under the carpet', but your husband knows better than most people what the consequences of abuse can be, and my guess is that he wouldn't want to expose his own children to the risk of such consequences. If you seriously suspect that he doesn't recognise such risks, and wouldn't act to keep your children safe, then don't have children with him. One of the main reasons for intervening in family life when abuse happens is: A, to stop it continuing, and B, to make sure that the victims of abuse understand that what has happened to them was abuse (which can be a very painful process) and that it was wrong, and that it WAS NOT their fault, i.e. the responsibility rests with the abuser, even if the abuser is unable to recognise it - which is not that unusual, hence they remain a risk to children. Victims of abuse who don't come to terms with the fact that the abusive behaviour they suffered was wrong can be at risk of turning into abusers themselves. If your husband has any areas of confusion about where the responsibility lies for what happened to him, then I recommend that he gets some counselling to help him come to terms with what happened so that he can put it behind him, although it will always be part of his development and personal history. No amount of counselling can change the past, or the fact that he was abused by a member of his family. I can understand your concerns, but I think you need to see the current situation from your husband's perspective too. There are ways of keeping your children safe without destroying the relationships that he has with his family. I do think vigilance is called for, but that can be done without drama and without being at war with all concerned. It sounds as if contact between any children you may have, and their paternal GrdPs, will be limited, which can easily be put down to the fact that you don't get on with them, other than that, they don't need to know all the details of your husband's past, and IMO, you need to respect his right to keep such things confidential and between you two. Hope this is helpful - although I realise that you may strongly disagree Sky

Thank you sky for your reply. I dont disagree its just very hard to be a forgiving person in this situation where his parents do not believe the abuse happened. I can understand where it may be hard for them to believe one child could do this to the other. However if they would see him talk about it and how obviously painful it is for him to speak about it they would understand my feelings I believe. I will never force him to do that though. He also refuses counseling though and says that hes over it and it doesnt affect him. Though hes far from alcoholism he does like to drink anytime he is not working. That and the violent hits and loud screaming during night terrors. All that is evidence to me that it does affect him. I do love him very much and we both decided children should come when we were more financially stable. But now that we are I feel very worried about the relationship with his parents. He agrees and understands my frustration but I know will want his children to know his parents. With the SIL living within walking distance, I know I will never trust that. I also know some of my resentment is towards my husband for not supporting me after what the parents said to me. Though this didnt come until everything had settled down because this felt menial as compared to what he was going through. As my parents have said things about him to me to which we would have it out due to my disapproval of what they said. Sorry for rambling its a very stressul and confusing situation. I just still get so upset that they didnt talk to my husband until they wanted to ask about rent money. His birthday and holidays passed without even so much as a phone call. Also as a side note I still go to the bil's house to pick up my niece who I am very close to. However anytime im there the sil (who lives too far down to even see it if i did, which now i wish i had if im getting blamed)tells the mil that I cussed her or flipped her off...etc. Its just ridiculous this woman is 39 years old! Im at my wits end, but it helps to get outside perspective.

I suspect that what you are coming against is family cohesion in the face of family secrets. My guess is that what the parents know, and what they are willing to admit to, could be two different things. It might be that they do recognise much of what you say, but that it's easier to 'shoot the messenger' than turn over stones that have been put in place to cover up difficult aspects of the past. It could also be that SIL was the victim of abuse within the family at some point. The apparent adoration of her could be fuelled by guilt on her parent's part. Dysfunctional families often have weak boundaries where children become involved in sexual activities that should be kept between the parents. Or the abuser might be a member of extended family, or even a family friend. The family then collude, including innocent members and victims, to cover up and keep everyone together. Your husband's decision not to seek counselling could be due to the fact that he doesn't want any more stones upturned to reveal family secrets. Or it could be because he fears there might be consequences for his sister. It could also be that what happened to your husband was a one-time event, and the parents just want: 'sleeping dogs to lie', and your husband doesn't want to stir up painful memories from the past. I think you might have to accept that you may never know the full story of what has happened in his family. Perhaps he doesn't know the full story either. I'm not suggesting that you forgive them for anything that they may have done - I do think you need to be vigilant, and I don't think you should trust them with full care of your children. My advice is based around keeping the relationship between you and your husband strong and intact. You probably can't erect a firewall around your relationship with him. Even if you could alienate him from his family, he would probably end up resenting you for playing any kind of role in such a disconnection and it could ruin your marriage. Like many of the dilemmas that come along in life, there probably isn't a tidy solution to this problem. I would say it's likely to be more about managing things with an eye on damage limitation so that you and your husband can get on with your lives in the best way possible, and while making sure that your children are kept safe when they come along. Providing your husband agrees with keeping your children safe from his family, then I think you may have to compromise on other issues relating to his family. The after-effects of abuse can spread outwards like ripples on a pond, and they can carry on affecting people's lives for many years after the event. What I'm suggesting is that you do your best to stop such ripples rocking the boat between you and your partner. Abuse often involves a misuse of power in pursuit of selfish satisfaction with a total disregard for the emotional scars it can leave on the victim, so little wonder that you feel angry on your husband's behalf. Sometimes there seems to exist a dynamic in close relationships where if one partner denies strong emotion the other feels it for them - so perhaps that is what is happening in your relationship? I hope this helps a little with managing what is obviously a very tricky and challenging situation for you. Sky