Am I asking too much of my significant other?

I was in a wonderful relationship with my late husband of 27 years. I now find myself looking for someone else to be my companion in life. My best friend, my lover, my soul mate. Dating in your 40s is very different from dating as a teen. I understand that after 4 decades, people have baggage. They have life experiences, both good and bad. They have been in other relationships. All of this guides how they will interact in future relationships. I lost my husband almost 4 years ago. When I decided to start dating, obviously I was not in a hurry to rush into the first thing that came along. I was looking for someone to develop a friendship with that would hopefully blossom into somethig more. I knew that this could entail dating a lot of people to find someone. I also knew that, unlike most people I would be dating, I was not single because a previous relationship ended badly. I knew I would have to make a conscientious effort not to compare my husband to any potential suitor. I would never find another replacement. I would have to evaluate the pros vs the cons of each person as a stand alone individual. That being said, because I did have a wonderful relationship, I knew what one was and I knew what it took to be happy in a relationship. Putting your partner ahead of you (and expecting the same in return), and compromise. I have only made three requests in this relationship, based on what I feel is part of being in a relationship with someone. 1. Attend some family functions as my significant other. 2. Make an attempt to interact with my friends on occasion. 3. Come watch me and my team compete at our competitions...........His responses are as follows: 1. Those people are YOUR family not mine. I don't know them, I have nothing in common with them, I have no use for them. My reply is that he actually does have quite a lot in common with some of them if he'd take the time to get to know them. Nope. 2. My friends are not his friends... same argument. Don't you want to get to know the people who are important to me? Who have helped me to become the person I am (I've known most of my friends for 25+ years) Nope. 3. Your competitions are your thing. I have no interest. You don't need me there. (No, but I *want* you there). Nope. He refuses to make any plans when we have a day off, but he is sure quick to jump on me if I make plans that involve other people. I let him know my friends are coming over. "Well that just f---ed up my plans for the day." "What plans?" Silence. He had no plans, but he doesn't want to interact with my friends. My mind says that we are just not compatible. You can't pick and choose what parts of a relationship you want to participate in. There are some significant holes in this one that he is unwilling to fill, even part way. When I try to talk about these things, he gets angry. On the two occasions where he has consented to attend a family holiday (after not pushing the matter for 2 years, I finally informed him that an absentee significant otheris not an option for me and that if he wants me, spending a LITTLE time... 4 partial days a year at most, with my family is a package deal), he sat and sulked the whole time, deliberately refusing to interact. At home he'd take his anger out on me, saying hurtful or inflammatory things just for the sake of being nasty. If I don't react to his comments, I have an "attitude". If I respond in defence, I have my head up my arse. I've told him that I'm not asking anything UNREASONABLE in a relationship and that this is important to me. He replies with, "Well you refuse to do what I ask. It's important to me." Yes, he is correct. I won't do as he asks because it is not reasonable to ask me to shave half of my head and dye the remaining hair bright red. Of course the only time he brings up this "request" is to counteract my requests to interact with the people in my life and show interest in my activities. He says he's just using my argument and my words against me and how do I like it???? He then proceeds to list all my flaws, criticise me for everything, 99% of our problems are my fault....blah blah blah. Then eventually he says he loves me and doesn't want to leave me. "Really? Why would you want to stay with someone with such a laundry list of defects that you just outlined???" I'm really ready to throw in the towel. The final straw was, yesterday, out of the blue he blurts out, "Just so you know I am NOT going to your family's for easter. I'm not doing no easter egg hunt." The tone was deliberately confrontational. It wasn't a "Would you mind if I didn't go with you to your family's for Easter?", you know, the kind of request that lets you know that is does care about your feelings but this time he'd rather not go. Am I really being unreasonable here??? I say "no" and my friends say "no", but they are also probably a bit biased.

Want to add that when it comes to his interests, I am supportive. Most of what we do revolves around his interests. Our one and only vacation was centered around his interests exclusively. When it comes to his son, I get along great with him. he talks to me almost as much as he talks to his dad. I asked him, "What if I told you that I didn't want us to visit with him?" He told me "We'd be fighting". So, it's ok for him to be defensive about his family, and not seeing him was not an option, but somehow my family doesn't get the same consideration? "Well, you get along with my son." "Yes, because *I* made the effort to get to know him and talk to him. I'm asking the same of you." Nope.