I am leaving my b/f.. but I am really upset about it?...

Hi everyone.. I'm so glad I found this forum. I have needed some advice for a long time on my situation. Yes, I do have friends that I have "talked" to about this.. but sometimes I think they say what they think I want to hear to spare my feelings. A little about me, I am a single mother of 4 boys. There are two fathers, one is a drug addict, and the other one is still in love with me. This has caused alot of problems with us. I am a "people pleaser", I try to do everything for anyone even if I am exhausted because I do not like when people are mad at me, and in the end.. they still are.. either I haven't done enough.. or I've said no to them. Okay.. the past few mths. this has started to annoy me. I can see alot of people in my life are taking advantage of me... but I will talk about those issues in another post :) My b/f and I have been together a little over 2 yrs. I was in love with him the minute I laid eyes on him... though some say he is not that good looking, in my eyes.. he IS gorgeous. I said IS because I still feel that way. Anyways.. Our relationship started out bumpy, and stayed that way. Two wks. after I met him I was hospitalized for eosinophilic pneumonia.. I mean ICU, ventilator.. I really almost died. He moved in my house, along with a friend of mine and got the kids all together to go to grandma's or their dad's while I was in there. During that time I got laid off from work. I wasn't able to return to work until 3mths. after. I finally go back to work, and after a couple of weeks there I had a terrible fall.. I herniated 4 discs in my neck and have needed 2 surgeries on my shoulder... so this has had me out of work for 2 years. I have always had some sort of monies coming in, whether it was disability pymts for my son, welfare and/or worker's comp. So, on this income.. I have felt that I was able to care for me and my children. With all of this happening in only a matter of mths. after meeting my b/f.. I knew things had to be hard on him.. so he was a bit irritable toward me and the boys ( I thought because of the financial strain ) Now, remember.. I had my own house, car, great job..everything when I met him. As it stands now, everything is in his name, even the car.. so somehow this all changed.. and I became totally dependant on him... and this is what I think he wanted. I use to hang out with my friends, whether it would be.. go to lunch, go for some coffee, shopping.. that all stopped. Now, the only time I see my friends is if they come over, which all of them have stopped doing because they can't stand him, or the way he treats me. I have noticed little by little how much he likes to be in control of EVERYTHING. He would even get pissed if I would go to my sister's house while he was at work.. so I stopped telling him.. then I just stopped going. In the beginning of our relationship, he use to drink ALOT. When I had this fall at work, it stopped.. because he started taking my pain meds. I'm talking.. I just got out of surgery.. get the bottle filled.. hop in the car.. he takes a few. He has continued to do this the entire two years. Now he is to the point where he splits them up.. if I get a prescription for 40..he takes 20 right off the bat and leaves me 20. I have had to hide them, say I didn't get any.. in the end he would find them and then flip out on me for not giving him any. I would also leave them down my sister's and get what I needed for the day.. and he would say "your sister can f'n give you some but she can't give me any".. and then badmouth her. This situation has gotten completely out of control. If he doesn't have any pills to take, he drinks.. or buys some.. etc. He can't just not have any, which scares me.. because there is no reason for him to take them in the first place. He told me after we started dating that he use to be a really big heroin addict.. I'm talking..living in abandoned houses, shooting up.. addict. Now, he has an attitude all the time. If he has the pills he is great. I don't see any of his paycheck, I pay all the bills.. while he says he has other things to pay. He can be so nice at times, and yet so awful at others. This is where my question lies: I have planned to leave him on Tuesday. I have movers coming at 9, and two friends coming over to help. I am staying with a friend until I can get this apartment the middle of next month. I have done this before, and then took him back. I feel awful for doing this. He doesn't know at all.. I'm really scared of him.. and can only imagine how he'd act if he knew. I still love him, and yet I know I have to do this. I just wonder if things would have been different if we hadn't gone thru all this in just two years. He has gone somewhat into debt because of me.. but if he was on his own he'd be able to catch up easily. I think this is better for him too.. maybe he will get his life back together, won't be so stressed.. worrying about the bills, me and the kids. My friends tell me don't feel bad.. and don't be upset.. but all I can do is cry. I keep saying he is better off without me, but my friends think I am the one who has suffered. Do you think this is the right thing to do? I have tried over and over to talk to him about it.. and it just ends up real bad (him punching walls, breaking stuff, throwing my table, and then the name calling.. in front of my children has got to be the worse) Why do I feel so bad.. like I am screwing him over.. or I messed up? I am so depressed about this, and just want to be back to me. My friends keep saying "yey.. I am gonna have my friend back", or they want "me" back not who I have become, this low self esteem, no confidence at all, sobbing mess. OH..sorry about this post being all mixed up.. trying to get it done before he wakes up. That is another thing, I can't be on the computer, the phone.. even in the bathroom he is always right there.. If I go to the store I get atleast 4 phonecalls.. one on the way there.. 2 in the store and one on the way home. I don't have any personal time, at all!! If I get in the shower when he is home, he HAS to come in everytime. He will not go to bed before me.. he will sit on the couch (even if he is falling asleep) and wait for me. If I do convince him to head off to bed, he comes down over and over asking when I am going to bed.. and will lay awake up there until I come up.. check the clock.. then go to sleep. Oh.. then the deal with my children's father(s) He is constantly complaining about them not visiting the boys (not because he wants their fathers to see them.. but because he wants to go out and party.. and can't if I stay home with the kids.. since he don't have a license) He never wants to do anything with the kids.. just looks forward to the weekends when they are leaving. Sorry to keep going on and on... just keep thinking of more things :( I typed all this, and yet I still sit here feeling guilty, depressed about it. I just know he will be better off.. and hopefully I will too. Is this normal to feel this way, even though I am the one making the decision to leave?

Loss is sad. even if it's the best thing for both of you. It still hurts and that's okay. It's okay to be sad, and cry. It's normal. You are a people pleaser, you said so yourself. That's why you feel like you're letting him down. You want to fix him, to help him through his problem, but you're only enabling him to continue abusing YOUR medication. I can't tell you that you'll feel better soon about the breakup, but you will feel better eventually. Take it as a life experience if you can. He should have told you about the drug addiction in the beginning. It would have been the responsible thing to do, but he's already proven that he's not responsible. Move on with your life slowly. accept the pain and cry. It's okay. It's NORMAL to feel pain and hurt from a loss any loss good or bad, death or breakup. be prepared though, he possibly could harass you for awhile. your his supplier, he needs you for the drugs.hang in there and be positive. It does get better. I rent a sappy movie and cry my eyes out to release all the tears. find and outlet for your tears and let em fly.

Hi, mysweetboys, I want to thank you for responding to my post. I hope I don't get in trouble for this but here is my email address, and I thought that maybe you could email me direct and we could write about life and relationships and kids, I have 3 boys. If you don't want to I understand. I just thought it would be good to have someone who understands what i'm going through to talk with. I could give you more details about my situation. I'm sorry it took so long to thank you but I work 2nd shift and I've been working alot of overtime due to my current financial situation. Well thank you agian and let me know either way. [e-mail address removed]