I'm in love with two people

I know many people believe it is impossible to be in love with two people, but I think it is possible, because of the way I feel right now. Let me explain this to you properly. I am not a slut, I don’t cheat on people: that is not and never has been my nature. I met the first guy Peter properly when I was in a really depressed stage, we got really, really close and I considered him as my best friend. We were both getting over our exes. We would Skype every night and chat and contact each other. I know him well, and to be honest, he has a bad reputation, known by many for being a ‘Casanova’. However, I feel I know him better, I know him well, and know he falls in love easily. He also tends to bullshit a lot and exaggerates, to impress people, of course he did this to me and I shot him down. But I believe he feels he has no choice but to live up to his reputation and acts like a dick in public, when I know him to be a very different, deep, very sad and confused man. Anyway, he left for a few months to study and came back to my hometown a few months later, and spent a few months here. We spent pretty much every waking second together, I stayed at his every night after work, and nothing sexual happened, for a few months, although I was in his bed, cuddling him every night. We got closer and closer, the whole time though, I kept saying in my head ‘Don’t fall in love with him, he will just cheat on you, break your heart, he has his reputation for a reason’. We went to the Cinema together, he held my hand. I had a one night stand with someone, (which I didn’t remember and felt I was used) and was upset about it, he met up with me and made me feel so much better and looked after me, and was so, so sweet to me. But the whole time he would talk about how much of a bitch his exe was, and how much he loved her, and I talked about mine (Claudio) too, I’m not even sure if I still had feelings for my exe, I just didn’t want to put it on the table that he was hurting me talking about his. I would describe him as a bit of a lone wolf, one who doesn’t like to go out and socialise much with people he doesn’t know, I think, again because of his rep, he doesn’t know how to be himself in public. He is so completely different to what people think he is. I would go to his after nights out, and a few times after nights out I would be drunk, and one time I kissed him, he kissed me back. We got drunk together a few times at his and kissed each other. Eventually, one day, we were kissing each other (sober), and we had sex. And for that whole week, we had sex. Things became strange, we seemed to be having sex more and talking less. I think we were becoming confused with how we felt about each other. The whole time we were together we told each other we were just friends, and continued our perhaps somewhat ridiculous facade of discussing our exes. One of my friends became extremely unexpectedly ill, and he was there, every step of the way. He walked me to the train station where I was to go from to travel to the hospital, and he kissed me, passionately, in public. I was surprised and simply said ‘In Public?’ Again, remember please that I didn’t want to think he had feelings for me that would make things so much more complicated. He was leaving the country about two weeks later to travel in another country for 5 months; I knew I would not be seeing him. I thought he would find another prettier, more appealing girl, willing to sleep with him in a second. I didn’t let myself succumb to my true feelings for him, I drilled into my head that he had a reputation for a REASON. But I loved him, I know that now. The day we said goodbye, I couldn’t bear to stay for long, I left and met my friend, and was in a state: I cried a lot. But because I had always known he was going to go away, and I had always known that he had a reputation for a reason, he always talked about his exe, he always notice little flaws I had, and would point them out to me sometimes, I had my mind set that he didn’t love me. Anyway, time passed slowly when he left. My exe Claudio, who I still liked, contacted me, and told me he still had feelings for me, to which I was ecstatic, I at once told Peter about it. I was surprised when he asked me if I was going to tell Claudio about me and Peter. I did tell Claudio about me and Peter. Claudio told me he wanted to get back together with me, but eventually I realised he didn’t know what he wanted and wasn’t willing to being committed to me. I broke things off with Claudio. I was very upset. I had no Peter to console me. After a night out, I ended up staying at a new guy’s (Ali) house. Except for a little bit of kissing, nothing happened there, (although he tried). I was in such a weird state that I didn’t want to, and felt so confused. He just ended up ‘spooning’ me in bed. I left the next morning in a hurry. About a month later, I was out one night with my friends and ran into Claudio, holding the hand of his new, beautiful girlfriend. At that time I broke slightly, I simply looked at him, (he looked extremely guilty) and I walked away, refusing to cry in front of him. That night I stayed at Ali’s house again. We kissed, but didn’t sleep with each other. The morning after, we were sober and kissed each other and had sex, and it was very different to anything I had experienced before, I looked him in the eyes, (this man I barely knew in comparison to Peter), and felt very surprised by how attracted I was to him. Of course, I was in contact with Peter whilst he had been away, I told him about Ali. He responded that I ‘shouldn’t rebound from Claudio with Ali. He said I should rebound with him instead (Peter)’. He told me he missed me and missed having sex with me. My friend told me that I shouldn’t accept Peter talking to me in such a way; she said he talked to me ‘in a demeaning manner’. And I could see what she meant. Peter told me he wanted to spend a week in bed with me when he returned and missed me, but he never said he loved me. I for a while stopped myself from going near Ali. But eventually, he broke through my confused, scared, worried guard. He was a charmer. Ali is the Opposite of Peter. Peter is cocky, sometimes rude, opinionated, and very intelligent, but he is hidden behind a wall, a mask. Behind that, he is a scared, sad, interesting person, who does have a heart but reveals it to very little people, he over thinks everything, and is very blunt sometimes. But he looked after me when I needed him before, and he cared for me. I owe him a lot for his true friendship and support. Ali on the other hand, is a gentleman, he insisted on buying all my drinks, talking to me often, giving me all his attention, kissing me, telling me I was beautiful and pretty much worshipped me. All of this affection and courtship I had never been accustomed to. He is extremely kind, loyal and committed. All my friends loved him and told me how much better he was for me that Peter. My friendship group and his friendship group merged together. He would text me often, he always made me laugh and smile, and was an extremely funny boy, we began sleeping with each other every time we were out together, but I was unsure of what was happening, as he was going to university in a few months time. After a while of feeling extremely guilty and confused, I realised that I was really starting to like Ali, I told Peter, and Peter told me he loved me. I was shocked. I hadn’t allowed myself to consider that ‘Casanova’ cocky Peter would ever actually have any feelings for me beyond the bedroom. I told myself he only said this to me because he wanted someone to have sex with when he returned from his studies. For a while I was so confused and confided in my friend, she said to me that personally she believed Ali was better for me. I had to agree with her. Ali was a lovely person, who always put me first. However I and Ali had discussed that we could not last, because he was going back to university at the end of the summer. When it got to the end of the summer, Peter returned. Peter didn’t tell anyone when he was coming back. I was the first person he came to see. He surprised me by coming to my place of work one night. I was so shocked, and unprepared to see him, (I had wanted to meet him on my own terms and be prepared) I simply stared at him for a few seconds drinking him in. I hugged him passionately. We talked for a few minutes, he was quiet. He asked me to go to his; I told him I had planned to go out with Ali and my friends. I invited him along. He refused, and left. The person at my place of work asked me if Peter was my boyfriend, which I laughed off, shocked and unhappy for this unwelcome comment. To which the person said ‘You looked very happy to see him’. Peter messaged me on Skype the next day, when I was at Ali’s house, he asked where I was, to which I responded at Ali’s. He simply responded ‘oh’. He refused to meet up with me and my other girl friend. On a night out, Peter turned up with some ‘mates’, soon left them and followed me around the whole night, Ali watched (I had told him before about me and Peter having a ‘fling’ but not in much detail), unhappy. Ali’s friend observed to me he could see a bit of ‘competition’. Peter kept on trying to get close to me, he snuggled up as close s he could to me without touching me when I was having a cigarette outside. When we (me, Ali, Peter, Ali’s and my friends) walked down the street to go to another Club, Peter being Peter randomly just put Ali on his shoulders, and ran down the street with him on them. I watched, mortified. It was so embarrassing and immature of Peter. I couldn’t bear to be around them both at the same time, it was too stressful. At points me and Peter were left alone, he made several passes at me, and at one point kissed me, I was drunk, and let him kiss me for a few seconds, then pushed him off me. I was so angry with myself. The kiss felt so strange, and wrong, forbidden. I had become accustomed to kissing Ali. I tried to leave Peter where he had made the pass at me. But he had my bag, and being the immature person he is, he refused to give it back to me. I told him to give it back. I pleaded with him to give it back. I wanted to return to my friends and Ali where I wouldn’t be subjected to Peter questioning my feelings, of which I wasn’t sure. But you have to also understand: I hated hurting Peter. He is my best friend, and I hate upsetting him, although maybe it was for his own good, I could hardly bear to do it. He told me he would let me leave him, but he wanted to have a cup of tea with me first. So, unwillingly I went back to his house. We had a cup of tea, he cuddled me, but I didn’t let him kiss me. He told me I smelt like home. I was so drunk that I was confused and kept pushing him off me, getting upset and wanting him to stop. His sister then returned home and told us to ‘get a room’. This made me start, think and sober. I knew how it must have looked to her. But it wasn’t like that. He was cuddling me, and I was letting him, but I wasn’t doing it back. I wanted to comfort him and make him feel better. I had never expected it to be this way round, if you understand me. After that I soon left him and met my girlfriends and stayed at theirs. I told no one that we had kissed, telling myself, it was a drunken mistake. I couldn’t tell Ali. (I know I should have immediately). The brief kiss with Peter upset me a lot because it made me realise that I could lose Ali, and I had strong feelings for Ali. I was angry, perhaps irrationally, with Peter. He had made it possible for me to lose Ali, I blamed him when, of course I was just as much to blame. I didn’t tell Ali and refused to speak to Peter. I was terrified that Peter would tell Ali, but Peter didn’t. Not long after, Ali and I became officially a couple. We decided that we could overcome our distance problem. Ali is a very genuine man. He is very caring. I love him deeply and passionately and playfully. He has met all my family, and I have met his. I and Ali fell in love. I had to start some work work abroad, but Ali decided he wanted to have a long distance relationship with me, showing me how committed he truly was. I left the country about two months after we had become a couple to work in the country I am currently in now. A month into working here Peter contacted me a few times over the Internet, and eventually I decided it was best for me and Peter to have space, for him to move on. I blocked him, so he couldn’t contact me; it pained me greatly to do it. Ali visited me about a month and a half after I had left, and stayed with me for New Years, I told him about my kiss with Peter. He was very upset, but he understood that it was a mistake and told me that he could forgive me and move on from it. I was so upset to hurt him, but so glad to open up to him. We moved on from it. Me and Ali Skype every single day, it’s been 5 months since I’ve been here. I’ve returned once for a week to see him and it was an amazing week, filled with love. I know I love him very, very much and I know he returns my love and it fills me up with happiness. And surely that is enough for me and I am content with it, and so, so excited to return to him and spend the summer with him and then we have plans to travel. We always talk of the future. But here is where my issue comes in. About a week ago, Peter contacted me through my friend. He simply asked my friend ‘When was I planning to unblock him.’ I consulted Ali, who had no problem with it, and then un-blocked him. I was scared at first that he would contact me. But, he hasn’t contacted me. He hasn’t said a word to me. I checked his facebook a few times (we’re not friends online), he has now blocked me. Perhaps he has seen the photos of me and Ali together and it has made him re-think. But my problem now is: I can’t stop thinking about him. I have barely spent a few hours without him entering my head since last week. I feel so guilty and angry with myself. I have been terrified of accidentally calling Ali ‘Peter’. I am so worried Peter will message me on Skype when I’m on Skype video call to Ali, I’m starting to feel sick from the stress of it all, my stomach twists in uncomfortable knots. Do I love Peter? What should I do? I love Ali very, very much. I know that for sure. But what about Peter? I think I love him too, I can’t understand why I would react this way if I didn’t. I keep dreaming about him, in very romantic ways, I had stopped myself thinking about him for so long, and him simply contacting me through my friend has made me explode with emotion. It’s upsetting me so much. I Love Ali, but I love Peter too. What should I do?

Hi, For the most part I have been here. Easy answer, choose one and stop all contact with the other. Friendship is not an option when you are in a relationship. You can love so many people, our hearts and bodies where built to, but there should be one who makes you happy when no one else can. And that person is the one you should try to make things work with. My vote is for the one who didn't childishly block you on a social media site. You may have messed up by loving two people, it is a mistake when others feelings come into play. But it's wrong for me to say you can't love who you want to love. There comes a time though when you need to decide you want to stop bringing others into your feelings. If you can't decide you have to let both go because this isn't just about you. So, let the lone wolf Peter go because he likes non committal sex with you and give Ali the correct and fair chance he deserves. Good luck and I hope that helps at least a bit. I know I didn't touch on all your concerns but I think I got the main point covered. :)