Insecure, paranoid, need help!

This post is about my insecurities and trust issues. It's a long story so please take the time to read. I think I need help! I married a man when I was 21 and we had a child together. Soon after he developed alcoholism, it was a very trying time, with a small child a matter of months old he would go out to the shops in the morning and come home at night so drunk he would threaten me, at times hit and kick me and on one occasion I had fell asleep on the sofa and he stood and urinated on my face, all the time looking at me, laughing. My husband became a person I no longer knew but I loved the person he once was and he attempted three private rehab attempts. Each one failed. I married him, for better for worse and continued to seek help. After around 6 months I was approached by a woman who said she slept with him and she described in detail what happened. I never doubted she was telling the truth and certainly doubt she was the only one. She just confirmed my worst suspicions. That day, I left him. I never vowed in church to stand my a man who sleep with another woman. I spent some time on my own, raising my daughter and still, to this day my ex husband and I maintain contact for our daughters sake and he see's her regularly. He continues to drink and has had many health warnings. Anyway, I eventually met a man, fell in love and after a fee years I sold my house and we moved in together. My daughter got on well with this man and all was going well until one fateful day. I was using the family computer and came across some pornograpic films downloaded on it. I confronted him, he said he forgot they were there and deleted them immediately. I accepted his explanation and he assured me they were not something he watched or felt he needed. My intuition told me differently, I searched the computer and discovered he logged onto an adult website to watch vile hardcore porn almost daily, I felt sick to the stomach and violated. Immediately, my daughter and I left. We moved into a lovely home and after a long time on my own I met the lovely man I'm with now. We have been together almost 3years, my daughter adores him, his daughter adores me and we have been blessed to have a son together who is almost a year old. My problem is I'm so insecure and paronoid all the time. He has given me no reason to be. I know he has had a colourful past with many sexual partners, although he has never cheated on a person, and has strong views on this. He has deleted all ex partners from Facebook as I asked him to but still, I constantly feel he is 'waiting for someone better' to come along. He tells me he loves me daily and shows me much affection. But, I can't help but snoop! It's a horrible feeling. Sometimes I get so worked up I feel physically sick! I can't stand the idea of him speaking to an ex partner! Please offer constructive advice. Thank you for taking the time to read this post.

Hi there! I would say what you are experiencing is entirely based on how you have been treated in the past. Our mind tends to have an inclination towards repetition and hence we train ourselves to build defense mechanisms and behaviors that are designed to help us deal with the similar emotional trauma if it is to happen again. In your case your defense mechanism is being suspicious. The best way dealing with this very bothersome defense mechanism is by training yourself to start telling yourself "I have been very lucky, I got out of it all and I have survived". Survival means you have been a strong person inside and you have the potential to make positive changes in your life and the ability to accept facts and move on. Now that you found true love, have children to take care of and have a life to look forward to, you should always remind yourself that you are a lucky person and you will not suspect actions of the one you love. "To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved". If you claim that your husband now is a great guy and you want to have a fresh start, give him the compliment of trust rather than only love. Remember about how our brain works and this behavior of yours is all a part of a learned behavior. Being a strong, intelligent and logical person, you must train yourself every single day to get rid of this defense mechanism. Furthermore, try having talk sessions regularly with your husband, tell him your fears and listen to him while he'll reassure you. It will definitely help. I hope this helps, besides lifes too short to be miserable about your past when you have such a lovely future!