So confused and trapped

Ive been in a long term relationship for 9 years and things had been great until about 2 yrs ago when my partners personality started changing, I thought it was down to the new job he had taken and let things go on as they were hoping in time he'd be the man i fell in love with again, But after explaining how i felt about his mood swings, lack of fun etc he just shrugged it off and said it was me, ive tried talking to him, tried making an effort but its always me that has to make ammends or compromise, I shouldnt have but i recently met an old boyfriend, my first love and we've became friends again, He told me he was single but still had feelings for his ex and i told him how things were in my relationship it was good to talk to someone and we clicked like we had never been apart, When im around him, when i talk to him im happy happier than ive been in a while and i did feel guilty that he makes me feel the way i wished my partner did, I have children so its not just a case of im unhappy i want to leave or you to leave its alot harder than that, The other problem is ive developed feelings again for my ex and he says he cares for me too but he still loves his ex and she wants him back but hes not rushing into things with her again hes taking it slow, We speek everyday online and its fantastic....Ive tried to see the bad points really i have but theres a connection there, It just seems he doesnt feel it the way i do, He cares...he doesnt want to hurt me..and he thinks im hot....but thats it. Im not sure i can carry on living with my partner anymore, i love him but i dont think i still love him enough, im not a selfish person but i cant stay with someone because of the children im only 27 and ive already given him 9 years of my life, and i feel so god dam unhappy all the time.............. Whys love never simple..why couldnt my ex have felt the connection i did he says hes always been in love with me ..never forgotten me..always wondered..cares alot......but he still loves his ex... What should i do im soo lost right now x

I have been in a similar situation to you on more than one occasion in my life. I am a good deal older than you - i am 47 - and have got back with my first husband after divorcing him and not seeing him for 11 years. Let me tell you, the problems never really go away. What was there to split you up in the first place usually are there many years later - it's just time softening the hurt. You say you have not seen your ex for a long time, and now you have you are remembering all the things you liked about him. One day, though, if you follow through with this, the old problems that caused you to split in the first place will resurface, and what are you going to do then? You will, for the sake of incredible sex, lose your husband, your children, your self respect and your self-confidence, all for a man that once made you feel bad. Try and remember what went wrong between you and your first love, see if the same problem exists in your current relationship, and do yourself a big favour. Don't go back. It is never the same second time around. You might think so at the moment, because you are unhappy. But either work with your current partner and talk together, or leave him. That choice is up to you. But if you go back with your ex, you risk everything. He may be nice now, but you both had fantastic sex once, and he probably wants that - not you - again. Don't give in. Keep him as a (distant) friend, and watch him. He could be the one to tear your life apart, especially if you still have feelings for him. Good luck and hope I have helped.

Hi cj, Thanx for reading my post, The problem i have is that there was no bad point to the past relationship we split because we were both really young and going on to different colleges and things, we never wanted to things just changed and my parents didnt want me involved with a boy so much at that age, Now we have connected again its really not about the sex...its just how we are togeather and how easy we get along, Hes seeing someone at the moment and im in a relationship so we are trying to just be friends because i cant say goodbye to him all over again..i really cant. He says if things were different if i left my partner and he left his the maybe it would work out bt i know hes worried about leaving her because he knows he wouldnt get another chance again if me and him didnt work out and i dont blame him for being careful about that, Im going to have to leave my partner down to me and not my old ex because its not working not because ive met someone new its just goin to be so hard to hurt him and the kids.............x

hi there, i been reading your problem with horror, ive been there done it : ( i thought the grass was greener on the other side guess what it isnt. i was with my ex for 16 years since 16 we have to brillant kids together and like you i thought he had changed and that life was flat,we had a house together a nice car a holiday abroad once a year everything really but my life had no excitement to it and by accident i started talking to some man online and 4 years later we live together and im unhappy and very insecure we live in rented accomadation dont have much of anything ive only just started getting my relationship back with my daughter, i guess what im saying is think hard why not try having a week or 2 apart from your husband maybe it will make you both relise just how much you do love each other its easy to take each other for granted wishing things will be better if you leave is what i wished but it wasnt better i never thought things would be worse anyhow just wanted to make you think harder and hopefully you havent done anything silly yet take care sparkle x x

Thanks for your feedback Sparkle, The situation at the minute is that ive seen my ex a few times and when we are togeather its like being 'home' if that makes sense he just gets me and im totally myself with him,my partner though, doesnt get me never has we are sooo different, especially as we are getting older and that causes issues, Things with my ex have slowed down we are both backing off a little and giving one another some space, I know he loves his girlfriend and i love my partner but this is different I really have felt like i'd lost the 'one' and now hes back in my life in one way or another i feel soo happy, happier than ive been in years.... I guess all i can do is sit back, let things go on and hope they work out for the best weather thats staying with my partner or leaving i dont know....If i leave i'll break his heart but if i stay im afraid i'll break my own.

iv just read about your problem and iv been in a similar situation a couple of years ago, and very nearly took the plunge but i realised it wasnt me he wanted and vice versa it was the life we had together that we missed! just think if it is him that you want or the carefree young relationship you both lost, would he be a great dad? would he make a good financial partner? could you go to work knowing he will do the dishes? we all miss and care for our first love and we always will, but its most probably because we miss who we were with them. just make sure your not about to jump into a time machine because you wont be younger when you get there and you will have your kids with you :) i hope everything works out for you x any ideas on my problem? carebear x

Hi Carebear, Thanks for your feedback. I do actually think he'd be a good dad etc He really is a nice guy and he's dated women with children before he's told me he would love a child of his own but doesnt want to have one with his gf as he doesnt think things are good enough between them to drag a child into it and i can see his point!,( she has 2 kids of her own also). Im not looking to turn the clock back at all infat if i could i wouldnt want to go back to that life and that age again im happy as a mum, happy as an idependant woman, happy running my own business, but my home life sucks...im living with a man i see as a close relative not a lover and no matter what 'we' do to try and spice things up its just gone. I really dont know how i feel at the minute...my realtionship at home is my main priority currently not my ex and im trying to figure out how i feel about my partner, and how i'd feel if i did leave or he left, how the kids would cope etc..He's currently trying to make me jealous all the time about women at work flirting with him but he's failing misserably ive never had a jealous streak where hes concerned!! I know hes just looking for reassurance that i care, looking for a reaction off me but im not sure how much i really do care right now.