Why is my partner acting like he doesn't want me with him anymore

my partner, age 55 is going through a bit of a rough time caring for his elderly mother. He tells me that he feels unappreciated by everything he does for her, and then he tells me he is only doing what he can out of a sense of duty and that if he could go away, he would. The thing is that when he comes to me, I ask him how his mother is, and he tells me that she is the same as always, which makes him really miserable. He then turns the whole thing round as if it is me that is doing this to him. He tells me he tries to offer help to his mother, but she turns him down. I tell him I know how that feels, because he does the same to me. I offer him help, and he refuses, saying he doesn't need anybody to look after him, and that if he ever got like his mother, he would like to walk into the sea and never return. He says that his mother makes him feel suicidal by her lack of appreciation for the things he does. He also says to me that I make him feel suicidal just by being happy within my own life. But, and here's the but. Whenever he offers to do anything for me - and I NEVER ask him, but yes, I will take him up on his offer, when I do, he accuses me of only wanting him for what I can get out of him. I tell him if he doesn't want to do the things he is offering to do, then he shouldn't offer to do them in the first place, but when he does do things for me, I always say thank you, but this does not seem enough for him. I think he wants me to go around being eternally grateful and with a permanent smile on my face when I am with him. I am self employed, 47 and not in the best of health. I am also quite well known locally for my guitar playing, and so is he. But if anybody dares tell me I am good at what I do in front of him, he takes this as an affront to his own ability, even to the point of saying that he will never play again, and that it is my fault. I cannot help it if people are going to come up to him and tell him I am a better guitarist than him. He doesn't have the problem if people come up and tell him he is great though. Most of my friends know not to say anything now, but his friends open their mouths and put their feet in it when it comes to them hearing me play. He seems extremely jealous of the fact that I am standing on my own two feet financially through music alone, and that he could do just the same if he wanted to. That's just it, though. He does not want to. That's fine with me. He has questioned my every move, but tells me he doesn't want to know anything about my business. but he won't even play guitar with me, saying that I am too superior to him, when all I have ever said about him is that his playing and songwriting are terriffic, and that he is wasting himself away by not doing anything with it. He resorts to the most obscene name calling just to vent his anger at me, and if it wasn't for the fact that all my friends and family think I have done well despite all the obstacles life has thrown at me (unemployment, sickness, deaths), I would have thrown the towel in on life a long time ago. But my music keeps me - relatively speaking - sane and focussed. Because of this, my partner has accused me of being self-centred and egotistical. He seems very mixed up to me. I don't know what to do about it. This evening we had a blazing row, because he came up and acted like he didn't want to be here - he sat in silence, not even trying to talk to me. He turned around and said I was miserable, and that he was the cause of it. I told him that he didn't have to come up if he didn't want to, but he must have wanted to to come up in the first place. |I question his motives though. Did he genuinely want to spend happy times with me, or did he come up just to have a go at me because of all the frustration he is feeling about his mother? Some one please tell me what the hell is going on between us. I fell in love with this man because I saw a kind sensitive gentle soul, who had a very deep philosophical mind, but now all I see is someone who is hellbent on using me as a scapegoat for all the problems encountered right throughout his life. He is very good at telling me he loves me, but I find it hard to believe when he says things like 'I love you but (there's always a but) ... and then a full on character assasination on my part. like I love youbut I don't like the fact you are a musician. I love youbut I don't like your daughter/son/family. I love youbut all you are interested in is yourself. I love you but you show more interest in your cats/garden/house/friends than me. I love youbut I don't seem to make you happy. I love youbut I cannot talk to you about anything. I love you but ... and so it goes on. I know my head is telling me to let him go and sort himself out. He drinks at least three bottles of brandy a week, is having serious sleep problems, and he finds it hard to cope with life. I personally think he is very depressed, but he won't have it. He says there is nothing wrong with him - it's just other people that cause the problem. But then he contradicts himself by saying that he has lots of friends, but then he has no friends. He gets all jealous about the fact that I see lots of people through my work each week, and then he puts himself in a self-imposed state of isolation, then tells me he is only like this because I don't let him out. We don't even live together! Tonight, I had enough. I hope I did the right thing. He told me that I didn't want him here, when really he didn't want to be here. I told him that if he didn't want to be here, he was free to go. He said that I was stopping him from going out, and that he was going to sit there and sulk all evening. So I kicked him out, so that he could go out, and not blame me for stopping him from going out. Somebody out there, please try and help me with this. I am sure he is ill, but I don't know what to do now, before he starts infecting me with his mental illness. (I have started having disturbing dreams myself lately about all this and have suffered depression myself in the past - and do not want it again).

Hi cj, it sounds as he feels he has an obligation to care for his mother as she did for him when he was a child, have you or him ever thought of getting help for her as in a day carer or even putting her in a home, i work in a nursing home so i know how unaapreciative old people can be, and many of the relatives say that they never really wanted to put them there as it felt like a betrail, but they are glad they did cause it gave them back their life, it sounds like he is blaming everyone for the path he decided to take and is now regretting it, i seriously think he needs to speak to a GP as it sounds as if he has depression and drinking that amount is not helping. I think if he is not willing to get the help then you should think about going your seperate ways as he only going to drag you down with him and that is not fair

Thank you for your reply, Frankie. Your thoughts were really good, but he would not have any of that. Anyway, the problem now is not his mother's illness pulling him down, but that I am ill again. I have a bad hip (I have to have an injection in it on Monday), and have not been able to be close to my partner physically for over a week. He has rowed with me every single day - nothing has changed (I just read again what I originally wrote about and it's still the same but the blame has shifted now). Now he is saying that he doesn't want to sleep with me because of all the rowing, but I tried to tell him that although I wanted to sleep with him, that would be all I was doing as my hip hurt too much, but in the past he has told me that he does not like one-way participation - he likes to do what he wants to too, and that he finds it hard to be in a bed with me if nothing is happening. I told him earlier that he didn't really love me - all he wanted me for was sex if he couldn't be patient and wait until I felt better, and then he turned round and said that he didn't feel attracted to me because of all the rowing - incidentally all started or designed by him. I told him I was not going to be insulted any further and told him if he felt like that, there's the door and to get out and not come back. I have gained a lot of inner strength from people like yourself. I have realised over the last few months that nothing will ever change between him and me and that there is absolutely no point in being with a man who only tells me he loves me because he wants to sleep with me but is not really prepared to share any other area of his life with me. I can live without that. I am auditioning for a band on Saturday, a brave move on my part - but not really as it is what I do. But, and here's the laugh, if I get "famous" at any time (ha ha) I shall make sure I find a way of inviting you to a gig near your area - maybe we could meet up afterwards!! Thanks for your advice - it has been invaluable. Lots of love and good wishes, and thank you once again