I really need help, I love her and I can't live without her

Before I tell whoever has taken the time to read this my problem, theres a few things that probably are factors in why this came out the way it did. I have depression, its pretty bad and has been for the last 2 years. Though I've never been "medically diagnosed" I have done much online research about it, and I know I'm depressed on some level, I have tried a lot of things to just feel better about life, and the only thing that ever makes my constant pain go away is when I'm in love. I've only been in love twice, and the second time I was so much more in love than the fist, and it was the first time I had every been with a girl. (I am a girl too). It happened by accident. The first time I was in love, I was with this guy from Florida, who I met online, I am in California. For 6 months I felt like we were madly in love, crazy about him on every level, 3 days after our 6 month anniversary, he stops having any contact with me. I get 0 calls, 0 texts, 0 anything. He abandoned me with no warning at all. For the next 6 months I spiraled into a deep deep depression. I hated waking up every morning, didn't go to half my classes. He finally texted me with some bogus story about being arrested and what not. He flaked out again tho. Eventually I met this girl though, who in the beginning was only meant to be a friend, I had never thought of any girl to be anything more. With time, we flirted and became a thing. She is long distance as well, but it was so much different with her. I know I'm clingy, but she loved it about me, she treated me important and we were much closer than I had been with the guy. She knows everything about me, and I know everything about her, I'm the first person she has ever opened up to. She makes me feel special and happy and beautiful, no one has ever had this kind of affect one me. About 2 weeks ago I got drunk, and while on the phone with her i got rude, I know im very mean when I'm drunk, but she knows this. I treat her like a princess, I just dont know what happens when I drink, anyway I started being kinda rude to her, talking nonsense and she got fed up, told me goodnight and went to bed. Looking back on it now, I dont blame her, I was being rude for no reason at all. After she went to bed I tried calling and calling, and she picked up a couple times but I would just be rude again. So she really did go to sleep, I got mad and sent her a very long text message telling her I give up on her, telling her Im never good enough, telling her to go find some guy to make her happy, it was basically 5 pages of bullshit i was saying out of anger. I finally went to bed and I was of course expecting a response. When she woke up the next morning she tried to call and I didn't answer. I wasnt really able to, because of where I was, I could have left the room but I really wasnt up to be in a verbal fight with her. She sent me a text telling me basically that she was done, and this was the last time she'd cry over me. I tried calling her when she said that, all my anger melted and i just felt horrible. She didn't answer and told me she doesnt want to talk and goodbye. A few days later we talked and I worked things out with her, but for the next week I could tell she wasnt the same. She was acting very distant, and pushing me away, acting annoyed at me. I finally broke down and just told her how she was acting was really hurting, and I knew why she was acting how she was but that I wanted us to work on it and be ok, I thought this would fix our problem, we always fix them, but she responded by saying she lost her feelings for me, that it hurt her so bad that it made them go away, I just about begged her, crying on the phone to her, not to do it, but she did. I'm so lost without her. Im so broken, I just want her back. I love her with all my heart, and I know i treat her very well, I just turn into a dick when I drink. I need advice, we talk, but not nearly as much, and she told me over and over she only wants to be friends and no more, and that she cant help that they're gone. I feel depressed again, I have no motivation for anything, and I have no one to talk to about this because I cant tell them I'm hurt over a girl. I just wish i could go back to that night and not even drink, i lost her over something so unnecessary, it wasnt like we had been unhappy for a long time, we had actually been doing a lot better at not arguing, we had been getting closer, i felt myself becoming so happy and in love. I just don't know what to do. Please help me, I don't have a drinking problem, I drink every few weeks, and I would gladly stop for her. I haven't drank since and I don't plan to. It's really hard for me to try and move on, I'm not very social, and I get so attached. To make it worse we talk constantly, like there isnt a moment where we weren't talking. The thought of really losing her makes me sick. I'm so afraid to get back into my old ways. Crying daily, cutting, feeling the urge to just die. I went on a hike a few days ago, on a very high rocky cliff, the thought of jumping came too quick, too easy. I seriously thought about just killing myself, instead of dealing with all the pain and months of hating life are coming. I dont know what to do. I had her there for me, to pull me out of my last deep spiral. I have no one else this time, my life revolves around her. I've become used to talking on the phone, or texting her, skyping here at every single chance we get. Nobody wants me, at school i get such little noticing, and that didn't bother me when I had her, cause I didnt care what any guy thought of me, but if i dont want to be alone I do now? I dont want anyone but her. But she doesnt want me, and I don't know how to deal with life. Im not fit for this world at all. I believe in love so deeply. I would rather be in love, and be loved back equally then have a big house or money. Objects are so invaluable to me. I just want someone whose going to actually keep there promise when they say I love you. Not throw me away like a broken toy.

Hello, I would like to start by saying that I am very sorry that you are going through this and even more sorry that you don’t have anyone to talk to. I have been in your position before and completely understand your feeling of helplessness. That being said my advice to you is to start at the foundation of your problem and work your way up. If you are depressed and have been for some time being in love is not going to cure that no matter how good it makes you feel. Being in love is a band aid and your underlying problems will end up hurting any relationship you find yourself in. It is sometimes hard to see the bad stuff that happens to us as part of a bigger picture instead of random and unfortunate but while reading your story I saw several instances where your depression and inability to identify and address the root of a problem has hurt you. For example: “For the next 6 months I spiraled into a deep deep depression. I hated waking up every morning, didn't go to half my classes.” The fact that your life is so impacted by people and situations that you cannot control is something that should not happen and furthermore as it pertains to the thing you want most (love) it is difficult for a person to love someone who puts the sole responsibility for their wellbeing on their significant other’s shoulders. “About 2 weeks ago I got drunk, and while on the phone with her i got rude, I know im very mean when I'm drunk, but she knows this. I treat her like a princess, I just dont know what happens when I drink, anyway I started being kinda rude to her, talking nonsense and she got fed up, told me goodnight and went to bed. Looking back on it now, I dont blame her, I was being rude for no reason at all. After she went to bed I tried calling and calling, and she picked up a couple times but I would just be rude again. So she really did go to sleep, I got mad and sent her a very long text message telling her I give up on her, telling her Im never good enough, telling her to go find some guy to make her happy, it was basically 5 pages of poop i was saying out of anger... She sent me a text telling me basically that she was done, and this was the last time she'd cry over me. I tried calling her when she said that, all my anger melted and i just felt horrible. She didn't answer and told me she doesnt want to talk and goodbye.” Ok… 1. It is one thing to know someone is a mean drunk and another for that person to get drunk and go out of their way to say hurtful things to you. So it is understandable that she was very angry with you whether or not that was a personality trait of yours that she had already accepted. 2. Drunkenness from what I can tell makes you more insecure than rude because everything you texted her sounds a lot more fearful than mean. A preemptive strike out of fear that she would give up on you. The fear that you are not good enough and finally the fear that your relationship is temporary because you are both first time lesbians. (Note: These are all my personal opinions and I apologize if I am wrong.) 3. Her response was not surprising when you think of the concerns that she probably had about your relationship were thrust in her face in that abrupt hurtful and pessimistic way. Asking her to just accept and forgive the things you said is like asking her to blindly have faith in something you don’t believe in yourself. “I feel depressed again, I have no motivation for anything, and I have no one to talk to about this because I cant tell them I'm hurt over a girl. I just wish i could go back to that night and not even drink, i lost her over something so unnecessary, it wasnt like we had been unhappy for a long time, we had actually been doing a lot better at not arguing, we had been getting closer, i felt myself becoming so happy and in love.” It is important to understand that drinking was never the problem, like you said you are not an alcoholic. It was the feelings that drinking brought to the surface and your ability, or lack thereof, to deal with those feelings in a healthy way. You cannot expect to feel better or have her take you back if you just fix the surface of the problem because if you do all of this will just keep happening over and over again. You should probably see a therapist if you can afford it or at the very least a counselor because while you may be able to find out that you are depressed you may not know how to make things better or even cope. Again I apologize if I am off base but addressing the root of the problem helped me and it could help you.