My actions and words don't match

I feel very passionately about my husband yet my actions consistently suggest otherwise. We make decisions together, then when I'm not with him sometimes make other decisions which go against the decision we made earlier, or I make decisions about important life/work things that affect him, yet I give him no opportunity to input. I worry about things and him all the time - especially things related to the minutia of day to day lving. but on important life matters I don't respect his opinion, don't listen to him, and don't follow through with things that I said I would. It probably sounds like I don't wnat to be with him. And that what's he says too. We argue reguralry at the moment because it feels to him that we are living separate lives. I know what he means. But as much as talk about it, or shout or be compeltely reasonable, I understand at the time but my beahvour continues to imply that I don't like him. in fact I love him, so much that I think I'm lost about who I am. And i'm desparately seeking control in muy life. I'm always trying to please other people but I treat him so badly. Obvviously my earliest role models for relationships was my parents. Their relationship worked for them but I'm repeating behaviour patterns from their relationship that are causing stress and hurt in mine. Basically my dad was silent and pretended that he wasn't listening so that my mother could makes all the decisinos and feel valued through feeling too busy and needed. I understnad intellectually that this is no good! But my behaviour is not changing. When he gets upsets and tells me why, I generally respond by getting more upset than him. This has become emotional blackmail on my part really. But now we can’t talk about difficult things without me dissolving into an emotional puddle. On the outside and to the outside world I’m happy, congenial and helpful. But I consider these skills needed for work and I don’t apply the same sensitivity and supportiveness at home to my husband that I do to work colleagues. Obviously he’s very hurt by this. To make things worse he’s suffering from work related stress and needs all the support he can get. But I take and don’t give. I’m not the reliable intimate partner that he wants – I think I might be sexist towards men, and particuiarly towards intimate partners. We havbe been together eight years. When it’s good it’s amazaing but when it’s bad it’s emotionally exhausting and draining. I am devastated because things are really bad a t the moment, and he’s really had enogh of me treating him badly. I tell him that I want to change and be different but when it comes to actually changing my behaviour and my thought processes I don’t know what to do. I’m unhelpfully harsh on myself – my internal dialogue tells me what a bad person I am – and this leaves me with no motivation to try alternative ways of thinking or behaving. I’m finding it harder and harder to communicate with him – I keep things bottled up, or I don’t tell him things that I think might bring him down – see, I’m constantly making decisions for him that I don’t have a right to make. I do really love him and I want to be with him. I also want to be less self-absorbed, have less internal dialogue which causes me to make really bad decisions, and I want to reconnect with him and become his soulmate again before it’s too late and he’s thoroughly fed up with me, if it’s not too late already. Can anyone advise me on how I can re-channel my energy into my relationship? How do I learn to listen again and put him at the centre of my life without putting him on a pedestal?

You seem extremely self aware, so you might want to think about some self led therapy. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy causes you to challenge your beliefs, and is very successful for most people. You should have no trouble finding books/worksheets on it. Also, I think it would be worthwhile for you and your husband to come up with a code word that he can use when you've upset him. Like "flag" or "cup" or anything neutral. Then, instead of dissolving into an emotional puddle, perhaps you will be better able to discuss things calmly. This actually seems somewhat self destructive to me - so you may want to talk to a therapist. Perhaps your parents relationship left you with negative feelings about yourself as well. I really hope things work out for you.