I'm in depression and I'm suicidal

Hi, I'm allie987. I have been in depression for a while. How do I tell someone my story, when I'm still trying to figure it out myself. I'm obese, like 280, and 5'7. The thing is I'm only 14. In my 14 years I've experience much more than I should have. I've been tease a lot. I've cut, I still cut. I'm worthless, stupid, ugly, and fat. I know I have common problems for someone my age, but my motto is it isn't the problem, it's how the person handles it. That's the thing.. I don't know how to handle my situation. Like I said I cut, I tried starving myself, even bulimia. I've then hoped that I would find love young. Someone who will love me for me..for my non depression personality. Love me for my craziness, my caring, and helpful personality. That they would take the pain away. That's probably the stupidest thing I've ever done. All I did was build up my hope just to crush them. I've always wanted to get into Oxford university. I have a better chance at being beautiful than getting into Oxford. I think about killing myself everyday. I keep every emotion bottled up, until those rare moments out of the year when I burst. Someone who feels like I do, or do the things that I do, you'd think that I would just hate everyone. Well that's another problem, I care to much. I could be bleeding to death or crying my heart out, if someone needs me to fix their problems or help them emotionally, I'd be there. I put on fake smiles, so that I don't bring others down with me. I honestly believe that I scream out for help, but no one seams to here me. Maybe there are those who are just made for happiness, and then there are those, like me, who were made to carry there pain and those that are happy, there pain as well. Suicide is obviously the only option to get out this trapped life of pain and unhappiness. It's not like I'm afraid of death. You know it's bad when your more afraid to live than to die.

you got to Study hard!!!, show those who looked down on you! . well i have gone the same path as you, im born ugly , life is totally unfair , i get teased and drop out of school, no family, no support , nothing.... i am going the HARD WAY of life now , 22 now and studying/ working , so u decide . show your ability or listen those who trying to destroy you. I have sadly make the wrong decide when im at your age. but do remember not everyone are bad, help those who need when you able in the future.

Heyyyaaahh allie! what do you feel after cutting yourself? Does that make you feel relieved? make you feel happy? or does that even erase the fact that your not happy with yourself as being you? I want you to pick yourself up. Your a child of God. Whenever you say that your not "good" enough, it's not you that's only hurting, also God. your 14, there are stilll lot's of days, lot's of time and lot's of chances to go on a DIET.. i myself, im not sexy, people looks at me from head to foot, everyone is JUDGEMENTAL, but not God. Instead of cutting yourself, why not pray. Talk. Let it all out. Talk To God. Pray about the things that your feeling, pray about the problems that you are trying to overcome, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. YOU HAVE GOD, YOUR FAMILY, AND ME. i hope you try to think about it, if you have something to say or want to talk. email me [e-mail address removed] Godbless.

I read your post and also came across another post on which you helped and gave an advice to. That saids a lot, at least for me it does. Although you are going through depression you still find a way to help others. That is a gift. You claim that life has no more meaning and that there's no room for you, but look deep inside and look around you. You just help someone, whether she took your advice or not you still lenses a helping hand. So that proves to me that there is still life within you. You should highlight your attributed and I know down the road there is a reason and you will see the reason why you exist. Nobody is perfect. All I know is there's a reason why we are here. For good or for bad we need to make the best out of it. There's only 2 days in a week. That is yesterday and tomorrow. What happened yesterday stays in the past something we can not change but to learn from. Tomorrow as they say is a mystery, but we should and can only work on what we are dealing with today. So don't be concern about tomorrow, leave the past alone, and do what you can today and that is helping others which you have as a gift. Not everyone has that gift to give and not ask too much in return.

Ive been in this place feeling so low for different resons but still I can see and understand. Your so young and seem to have a life time of worries on your shoulders. It has got to be the hardest thing ever talking to someone who can help you professionally it took me years but my goodness I wish I had done it sooner. I didnt do well at school I had a baby young I got into trouble ended up doing drugs went to prison, what a mess! Id love people to learn from my mistakes and realise before its too late life can be amazing. Keep busy dont thinking. Thinking is lethal! Dont cut yourself I know your angry and problems are with you but you need to find a way of getting that anger out without hurting yourself. Your caring and helpful im sure your a lovely person inside and out just take the first step on your journey of finding out who you are and how to love yourself. I did cbt and it worked along with just going to the doctors and breaking down at the point I just couldn't cope. Do you have family around you?

Thank guys for the advice and courage. GUIDEME, thanks for the offer on the email, I might have to use it when I'm at my worst. Also i cut because it draws the pain from my mental state to my physical, kind of like a great distraction. And I too trust God. I'm a very religious person, I go to church like 4 times a week for things. I pray, a lot, but nothing changes. CORA, thank you. I always that that I was a selfish person through my helpfulness, if that makes sense. I thought thinking about suicide was so selfish it overruled all the acts I do. BLONDIE87, I do have family..that's the reason I just haven't ended yet. Every time I'm close to it I think about the aftermath it would leave behind. I don't want to let my mom know or anyone know about my problems. I would feel like I put extra excess stress on her that wasn't necessary. I would feel like I disappointed her. My mom and I are close, but we're close on different levels. She one of my best friends, but not that friend that I would tell my deep emotional problems too.

Hi ALLIE987! I read what you wrote and it seems that we have a lot in common. I'm also 14, weigh 255, and am 5'6. I feel all the time that I'm worthless, stupid, ugly, and fat everytime I look in the mirror. I have thought that if I could just find that one guy to share my life with then I would be fine. But, I can't. Sometimes when I lay down at night I think of how easy it would be for it to all be over. I am sooo good and helping other people with their problems but I cant solve my own. I hold my emotions in too, put on fake smiles. I long to have that one person I can talk to but I can never find anyone...Even though I have thought about suicide, I know I could never do it. life is to precious and I want to live it. I know that one day this will be better and we just have to take it one step at a time and find that one person to talk to. Just remember God loves you even when you feel like no one else does. <3 :)

I used to be like you and to be honest I wish I could go back and be 14 which is when you can actually change things! You are so young and life gets so much better, please don't assume it will always be this way. I cut myself from the age of 12 and it's still a problem now (I'm 27). It's no solution to your problems and there will be a day when you'll wish you'd never done it (even if its just "how do I hide the marks?"). My advice to you is your life hasn't even begun, you can do anything you want to do, you don't have to live up to anyone's expectations, maybe not even your own. The only thing you have to aspire to be is yourself. I know how you feel, that having someone to love you is the be all and end all, but having friends is so much more important. If you have 1 friend who cares for you then you have it all, and you can build from there. Even a sister, brother, parent, cousin - someone will understand what you're going through. You don't have to tell them about the cutting, or anything, just remember, love won't fix you. You only get one chance and the things you do now will affect you when you get older but you're confronting your issues now which proves you have the strength inside. Use that to get to tomorrow that's all you have to do. I wish I'd had the strength at your age to ask for help. Just please don't believe it'll fix itself - I know it's hard but I promise it will pay off.

Hi Allie, it might sounds like a funny thing to say, but i think you should forget about your weight for now and focus on the most important issue here: your happiness on the inside. If you do that, I'm almost certain everything else will follow. Including your weight, your love life, and that Oxford place. You might not know it yet, but you were born to be happy. You are loved. You have gifts that you probably haven't even discovered yet.There are so many people out there who would love to be 14. Or who would love to have their family still alive. Or would even love a roof over their heads. Use these gifts while you have them! Here is a quote about life that I have found really helpful in the past: http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/519831-this-is-your-life-do-what-you-want-and-do I know you might feel like you have a mammoth task ahead, but take the challenge! If you fight for your own happiness now, I'm willing to bet the rest of your life is going to unfold in wonderful ways.

Oh Allie!! You beautiful, beautiful girl! You are so sweet, caring and insightful. The world needs more of that, please don't take your wonderful spark out of this place. Beauty is such a fickle and ridiculous illusion. I know that doesn't help much, but it's the truth. People do not remember beauty. They remember the way you've touched them and the way you make them feel. And it sounds to me like you have already touched many people's lives. And you're only 14! Oh baby girl, if you only knew what was ahead of you! I know it seems impossible, but you have so many wonderful and amazing things ahead of you. So much to learn and experience and discover. Stick with it sweetheart, and I promise you things get better. You will not be the person you are now 5 years from now, 2 years from now, even months from now. It's not possible. You change so much in your teenage years. And the best part? You get to choose who you become! I will tell you a little secret I learned. You always hear people telling you to "go find yourself". But how are you supposed to find yourself, right? The trick is, you MAKE yourself into whoever you want to be! And it is a glorious thing. Another bit of advice. Share your pain. I know you think you're being a burden, but believe me you are not. By opening up about your problems and how you feel, you take some of the power away from your pain. And as someone who has a very very dear friend who suffers from depression I can tell you, I so appreciate it when he shares with me. So that I can lessen his pain a bit. And help him through it. It is more painful for me when he closes up and doesn't let me in. You will find love someday, but if you want to find that really beautiful unconditional love, you have to love yourself first. And that begins with focusing on you and what makes you happy. What builds up your self esteem. If you like helping people, volunteer somewhere. It will make you feel needed and warm inside. Try new things, be brave. You are truly a worthy and valued girl. Don't let others push you down. Don't let them win. You are strong I know you are. Look how far you've come already. Update us please! I'd love to hear from you again. Keep your chin up, Allie. We're all behind you :)

hey guys thank you for everything you've said to help and encourage me. Like 8 years ago I liost my grand father and I loved him, he was my only father figure. People say that I haven't gotten over it yet and i think thats wear part of my problem comes from. That need for love, to feel loved, to feel beautiful, the reason I feel alone. But everything else I think comes from self hatred for myself. When all my friends and family have perfect bodies and looks and then theres me. Another reason I feel alone is because all of my family that are like also my best friends, who I've grown up with, are leaving me. I try to act like it doesn't affect me, but it does. I'm pretty sure I have seperation anxiety disorder, I know I have anxiety attacks, but when I have them I go in my room, so no one knows. My only solution with everyone leaving me, is to leave too. I'm going to go to boarding school thats like 12 states away from my home.

You are not worthless. You are a beautiful and special individual there is no one else in the world like you how unique is that. You need to step out from being the victim and do not take on the negative attitudes of others. I understand your pain is so great that you cut yourself to let that pain out - I would recommend that you go see a psychologist to talk about these issues so you can move forward. They can also give you the skills you need to gain confidence etc. Just focus on yourself. I understand being overweight can be so debilitating. I think if you believe in yourself you can achieve anything. If you really want to lose the weight you need to change your lifestyle habits from negative to positive ones and then your moods will lift. You do deserve happiness but you need to let your friends know that you need their help and that you are unable to help them at the moment and it is ok to think that way. How can you help someone else when you yourself is suffering. You do not need to take on other peoples pain. Dont give up - I have been there and it does get better but you do need help so please seek professional help that can assist you to being that person who loves life and is filled with happiness. There are people out there that do care and suicide is not the answer - you are here for a reason - you can do it just believe in yourself. All the best and take care.

You think your Grandfathers gone but, he is not! He is watching over you. You have to pick yourself and focus on the thought of "What would my Grandfather want me to do?". Take that anger and channel it in a positive direction. Instead of cutting yourself and cutting classes, take self-defense classes and excel in school. DO NOT eat food to forget eat to survive. That will lessen your calories and along with self-defense you will gain confidence and lose pounds. Keep in mind that at 14 your body is still developing and positive change can still take place. The most important positive rests between your ears. Make it happen. Remember too that most people that make fun of someone are actually masking their own insecurities. Stand tall, stand proud and before you know it you will be running circles around them. Keep a journal so you can track your attitude AND your progress. Good Luck and God Bless!!!

Let me tell you my story of turning 14. Strange how people assume when a 14 year old girl is beautiful, in face, in hair, in teeth, in body, and in spirit, the assumption is 'she doesnt have deep, dark, wounding issues others do. None of my classmates bothered to be friendly with me. Even boys would constantly tease, pick on me, i was the but of the boys jokes that year, no one liked me that entire school year. My aunt, whom is stunningly beautiful shared that she went thru this same awful year when she was 14... Point is this, it may look as tho you are worse off than others, truth is this year of 14 sux for everybody on earth. But we all get thru it and we come to find that those hardtimes you endured, now has many blessings and growth which is a part of u now and who u are and who u r becoming as a woman. Dont sell yourself short by giving in. My sense of humor was my survival and friend. Remember this, sadness, pain, suffering, these are neccessary go thru it's to get to real JOY!